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Tomorrow is our 2-hr couples session to talk about the "A" in great detail

WW has refused to talk about her "A" (6 yrs LTA-PA-EA) with former boss and family friend.

She wants our home to be safe so we only talk in couples sessions.

Tomorrow will be the big day for her to finally talk abou the "A" and all its details. She is prepared and wants to get all this out.

She is suffering from extreme anxiety in anticipation of tomorrow's 2 hr session.

everytime i tried to open the door on the "A" topic at home, she wold start crying, shaking and said she cant talk yet and keeps apologizing for the hurt she did to me and the fact she cant talk yet.

I had an IC session last night and here is what our counselor told me:(counselor is a phd in clynical psychology with her specialty in marital infidelity)

I thought the session went very well last night...

I was told....same as all the book have said...dont ask a question you really dont want the answer to...

i am prepared....wants me to preface questions...not all ...but the hard ones with

"help me understand"....why

........then ask the question...in a gentle voice

if conselor see's WW imploding. after some time......she will jump in to lighten the air....

said for me to also say this a few times...

which i already know....from reading many books..and from IC

"i know this is hard for you....but i want you to know the relief i get from the truth far out-weighs the pain and hurt of the betrayal etc..and or the lie..."

also to say once and a while...."i know this is difficult for you...i want you to know the truth helps me heal as this heals part of my heart

.....and i know this also helps you heal and helps "us" as a couple, heal together"

tell her whats in the past is exactly that..all this is in the past as we dont live there anymore and that we mourn that past together as we build new happier memories together...etc

i need to help her relax... which will alow her to release....and in the end...this helps both of us...and gets all this out and over with..

i had a difficult night sleeping last night...with all this on my mind...woke up continually...even with advil pm....(3)

Dr said...just think of your WW....and how very difficult this will be for her....its more difficult for her...since she chose to have the "A" and also chose not to talk at home in small increments...but i want you to know she has talked here in IC and knows what must happen

WW has built this up to tomorrow's "big" session"

Dr. said...WW most likely will want to "hurl".......as Dr. said she would if that was her

i had intestiional issues last night from the stresss....and thats me...i can only imagine what WW will be going thru in anticipation...anxiety tonight.. and tomorrow morning

this all sucks soooo bad...

conselor said...to me last nite in IC, that in the past (for years) when i would reach out to wife to attempt to talk..and open the door to work thru what was bothering her etc....she felt sooo guilty about the "A" she couldnt work on the issues without talking about the "A" and that was soooo painful for her ...she pushed me away not to address the "A"

what a broken way to address relationship issues.... but for each their own..we all have different coping mechanisms...

psychology...psychiatry...etc...is not a absolute science...its not like math which is an absolute science..

...2 X 2 will always equal 4...

when its the mind....everyone is different...and thats the enigma here in trying to work your way thru everyone's individual labrynth

of justification means...and coping mechanisms

comments suggestions...etc please from wayward's (expecially wives) and Betrayed spouses (expecially men)

AP tossed my WW under the bus to save his marriage...

i am in contact regularly with AP's wife...so i know many of the details of the "A" that i will (or should hear) from my WW tomorrow

me: FH (58)

her: WW (57)

LTA- 6 yrs (PA & EA)

with former boss

D-day march 13-2012

confrontation day: april 22

one daughter- beautiful 23yrs

together working on "R"

married 25yrs.last week

AP- married with 2 sons

this is by far the most difficult time of my life and most emotionally painful 6 months i have ever experienced

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 10:37 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

Just wanted to say good luck to you. Sounds like an incredibly hard session coming up for both of you. It will be emotionally draining on you. She is probably terrified and wracked with guilt.

You probably have an upset stomach in anticipation of what you will hear. I am sure this is normal. I have heard over and over that often the BS has mind movies that are much worse than the truth. I hope this is the case for you!

Please let us know how it goes. Hopefully this will be what you need to start moving forward!

Hugs!

Hope all goes as you need it to go. I am sorry you are in this situation. I am amazed at your patience with your WW. It sound as if you have allowed your WW to make all of the decisions regarding disclosure. Letting it build up to this one, giant super session sounds a bit over indulgent on her part. I am surprised any IC/ MC let it get to this point so far out from DDay. I understand the reluctance of her sharing, but taking this long would have been a deal breaker. My WH started the "I'm so broken" response to his A. I let him have about a month of IC before I required him to get it together and start answering questions. I have known those who only "talked" in a session, but for me, if I needed an answer at 2 am he had better be ready to answer. Our recovery would have never gotten this far if I had been as restricted as you are in the discovery phase.

It sounds as if your WW has created her own anxiety situation for letting it build up like this. Be strong and do not let her push the buttons on this. You deserve her honesty and her disclosure. You need to see the whole picture without holes or pixalation so you know what to heal. Secrecy is damning and the truth is freedom.

hurt - I think I'm in the same boat as Lovedyoumore...don't think I could have dealt with the 'poor her' approach. I suggest you roll with it and try to move toward a place where she can talk outside of counseling. From my experience, limiting it to those sessions will not get YOU the healing you need because there are going to be times in the middle of the night that you need to talk.

The strategies in question couching seem OK to me...I had to use much same approach with my fWW...make it safe for her.

Good luck and hang in there. Make sure the therapist is looking out for YOUR needs too.

I think all the explosiveness on her part is conflict avoidance, and the whole keeping it safe thing means she will never get to a place where she can help *you* as she should. Hopefully the MC can help open that up.

If she genuinely has that much shame and anxiety to the point of debilitation she needs to see a psychiatrist. Good luck to both of you, hope it goes well tomorrow.

Still, Forward & Loved

thank you for your comments and wisdon.

My WW is a very complicated person. We have dealt for the past 3-1/2 yrs with our only child having an eating disorder.

A breakup in our marriage would devistate our only child. She had threatened suicide during the bad years of the ED.

She is much better now and past the ED, but has excessive OCB with "scheduling" .and what food she eats and what time she eats

She is in IC with our MC to bring the entire family together and work with her to get beyond this and lead a normal life without any OCB's.

So i have a different set of circumstances here in addition the the hurt and devastation from the "A" than most of my friends in SI.

WW and i are leaving in 2-1/2 wks on a Mediterranean cruise. That cruise is 2 wks long and both want to get the big stuff over with and out in tomorrows session so we can reconnect on the cruise.

This is our 25th anniversary cruise.

I have learned to be patient here because of the sensitivity of our daughters recovery and all the walls my WW put of to justify and compartmentalize. As she pulls these walls down she actually shakes at home after her 2-hr session in IC.

This is why i have given my WW "patience" way beyond what most would do, but my situation is completely different.

I know this will be difficult for WW and me, but from the AP tossing my wife under the bus and spilling his guts to his FW ..i know way much more already about all the details

...but as you know i need to hear it from her to heal and to have her heal also.

She has said all week long, she wants to get this over with and will answer all of my questions truthfully.

This is why i have given her patience.

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 10:44 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

Hey I hope tomorrow goes well for you.

I think it's worrisome that it's all about her. Speaking as a WW, it encourages the "poor me" and "I'm a victim" talk when YOU have done nothing wrong. You did not cheat. You did not lie. Yet the MC/IC and you are going to coddle her into this Big Question Day. Maybe I'm too much of a tough love advocate here, but I worry that it'll just keep the feedback loop going. She is being rewarded for taking so long to open up at your expense because she has had so long to "prepare". You are suffering.

Speaking as a BS, IMO you should have a plan B prepared in case she says stuff that you know for sure is a lie, based on evidence that you or the other BS found. Your WW may do the right thing by coming completely clean.... She may also act out of self-preservation because she has been doing it for a long long time.

Good luck tomorrow. Maybe go for a good workout tonight, it can help you sleep better if you're physically exhausted. Tht has given me much relief since DDay and subsequent TT.

Brother I hear you, but your situation isn't that different from anyone else other than it's yours. You can't throw a rock but hit someone dealing with additional issues from life-debilitating sleep deprivation to bipolar to schizophrenia. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have patience and love and respect for your wife, I am saying give those things without the attached reason that she is too fragile to be treated like a responsible adult.

I say again, if your wife is that damaged then she needs to see a doctor. Things do not get better by hope and prayer, they get better by fixing them. They can be fixed.

You know your situation best. Good luck sir.

^^^^This!^^^^

(((hurtsobadinside))) Good luck tomorrow. Hope it goes well.

Happy Anniversary and Bon Voyage, too!

I'm sorry you're dealing with cheating and all the extra crap. I know you hurt so bad inside. From what you wrote above, I think you're causing yourself extra pain because you're trying to take care of your W when you need to take care of yourself.

I have a different view from your IC. Let your couples counselor moderate and provide protection to you and your W. It's not your job to take care of your W in this - it's your job to identify and process your own feelings, because bottling up your feelings is the opposite of healing.

You spend your energy between now and the session and in the session getting what you want.

Go in with some goals in mind, and lay them out at the start. Go for the goals that you all agree on (with you and your W's votes weighing more than C's).

I'd suggest one goal to be getting your W to discuss the A with you outside of CC. (I just don't know how I could be alone with my W for 2 weeks and not discuss the A.)

Yeah, this is difficult for your W, but it's painful as hell for you, too. It's not that your pain is more important than hers, but if she wants to R, she needs to be honest and open with you even though it's excruciating. After all, her actions made it this difficult. You need to be honest and open with her, too, and that means processing your feelings even though she won't like your response to her A.

The A is in the past for her, but it is most definitely NOT in the past for you. In a sense, it's in the future, since you know so little about it. Make her understand that you're living it now and that she needs to help you now if she wants to R.

The best, and perhaps only, way for you to heal is to take care of yourself and your own needs. Stop thinking of taking care of your W's needs in this.

In all likelihood, your W has said so little because she doesn't want to face her own failures, but the only way to healing for her is to acknowledge what she's done. Stop coddling her. Bring it all out into the light. If she doesn't do that, you can't R. It'll stink to high heaven for a long time, but light heals.

Good Luck with your MC session. I hope that you get all your answers and that she can feel more comfortable opening up after she gets it all out.

I completely understand that even though we BS need a healer sometimes we have to still be a healer for our WS. You are very strong that you can put your need and hurt aside for a bit to get her through something she feels is difficult inorder for you to get to a path of healing together.

I'm a FWW, and I see an intense need to conflict avoid here.

I have followed your story somewhat from the beginning and I have seen you put up with quite a bit in this situation and it seems to stem from you worrying about your daughters situation. If you weren't so worried about rocking the boat with your daughter would you have dealt with this differently with your wife?

Tired Girl

to answer your question:

If you weren't so worried about rocking the boat with your daughter would you have dealt with this differently with your wife?

answer

YES....

you have no idea how bad it was been with her ED and how long it has taken for her baby steps forward

i will not play symantics in blaming my WW if i blow up and let the cat out of the bag and advise daughter what her mom has done over the past 6 yrs

That would set us back...and we dont want to go there

tomorrows session will tell me much ..and i cant wait to get this over with.

thank you everyone in SI..you have been so wonderful and supportive

I felt that was probably the driving force more than your wife.

I understand your deep concern for your daughters welfare.

At some point, if your wife gets to a point where she is not participating fully in the healing in your marriage and you, you may have to make a decision.

Is there any way to prepare your daughter for this type of event?

Hurts, sending you strength for tomorrow's session. It will not be easy. We are further out than you, and still slowly walking through the details of the affair in mc. I agree with Sisoon that you need to get your needs met in this and not worry so much about taking care of your WS.

Hope you get enough sleep and get what you need from the session. Get it all out there. Be gentle with yourself though. And give yourself plenty of time to process this. Journal away.

Hurts, I think you patience is akin to saintliness. No way could I have catered to the needs of the W above my own to that degree. You are far stronger than I. Good luck.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:19 PM, September 28th (Friday)]

Good luck today, hurts. Will be thinking of you.

Peace.

Our CC session is as 10:00 this morning

i slept well last night....WW didnt..she tossed and turned all night long...from 2:00am...

got up at 4:30....

i can feel the stress in her and in the air in our home

this big session....is wrong...after today i pray..we can talk at home....

once the 100 ton elephant is out of the room...she should be able to fill in some other details at home... i hope

thank you to all for the strength and hugs and sonderful support you have given me

i am ready for today

thank you...thank you and thank you

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 6:28 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Hoping your WW will be able to give you the things you need to move forward. Keep us updated.

Hello to all my good SI friends...

The 2 hr session went well and it didnt go so well

Wayward Wife cried through about 1/2 the session. Admitted to the "A" and shared with me the reason for it.

Did blame shifting for the reason. blamed pre-"A" marital issues. never accepted accountability for her actions or contribution to the pre-"A" marital issues other than saying she regrets having the "A" it and feels guilty.

Didnt take any ownership of the pre-A" marital issues

all were "my" issues.

its obvious to me, this big day of hers was a gas-lighting episode. gas-lighting of herself!

She would not confirm intercourse. and all i asked was "did you have sexual intercourse with him?" (didnt want to know how many times or what positions or did you orgasm just did you have intercourse)

she said no, i asked her again a second time and she got mad at me for asking.

counselor had to step in to kool things down.

now i know there was penetration from AP's wife and the AP's confession to his faithful wife.

Claims the "A" was therapy for a bad marriage. He was there to "talk" to and calm her down. He was a good friend and had been for years.

is also upset for all the information my private investigator got on her said she wants to know all of that...i refused and told her she wont get that..said she felt "stalked" with my PI

told her i had every right to know what was gong on in my marriage.

said she never planned on leaving the marrriage. whatever that means in her twisted mind???

Wants nothing more than for us to move forward and get all this behind us....called for a new beginning...and new healthier marriage for us and looks so forward to all this.

i went along with this becasue she is in a place with the two of us that we have not been for a long time

however, i am going to press the counselor to work with her in IC. She is in need os some real work and the counselor has her work cut out. i guess thats why

"R" is a long road..and a hard road and take patience

She appears to have convinced herself, that any pre "A" issues...justified the "A" and she is not to blame.

so here i am....at the place i wanted to get to with her, but not via the correct road to get here

she refuses still to read books...prides herself as knowing everything...and i could see that the counselor knows exactly what happened here today

didnt give a timeline on the "A" etc...

also said i ask for too many detials and she is a big picture person (again whatever that means?)

wife has a 2 hrs session in IC week ...and we have another 2 hr couples session next saturday

i have a 1 hr ic session this coming week and will tell counselor what i think needs to happen here with WW

she needs a few 2 x 4's in IC

still rug sweeping...and not accepting full accountability

and appears to have created some kind of alternate reality in her mind...that she has accepted to avoid the real truths here and the impact it has on me (most likely still protecting herself)

were going out for dinner tonight..and she is happier tonight than i have ever seen her in years....

primping...i can smell the perfume in the family room

i think she actually thinks...its all behind us and we never have to talk about her "A" (6-yrs.) again..

??????

thoughts please everyone

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 6:35 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]