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I think my WS and I are finally on our way to reconciliation. He left me about 5 different times in the last 3 months and I am mentally exhausted, but I really think he wants to reconcile now. He has been back for about a week. I really want him to show me that he really loves me and he is sorry about what happened. Honestly, I don’t really know exactly what I want. Of course he needs to have NC and he needs to be available at all times and answer his phone whenever I call. I need to know where he is every second of every day. He is complying with these requirements, but I want a special romantic gesture of some sort. He has written me a couple of nice notes, but after all I have been through with all of this, I feel I deserve an enormous romantic gesture. I want something that just takes my breath away. Not that anything could really make up for what has been done to me, but just knowing that he would go through the trouble would really help to take the edge off. My dream is for him to get the car back that he gave her and park it in front of the house, but he says he has no way to do that since it has been put in her name.

Have any of your WS’s done something very romantic to try to make up for all the HELL they have put you through?

Well I have gotten flowers more in the last yr then I did all the yrs before. He also wrote me a letter which is huge for him as he has a very hard time expressing his feelings. I was like you, wanting the big gesture but after talking to the MC about that I think he is right, its sort of like putting lipstick on a pig. Now I just want honesty, affection and truth.

My FWH replaced the center stone of my wedding set with a new diamond twice the size of the old one. Our MC was in favor of doing a "grand gesture." Something that would kind of mark the "before" and the "after." It was a good gesture.

But you know what? In the same week he picked out the diamond? His AP surprised him at work for lunch (she drove 2+ hours and showed up at his door). So. Eh. Not that impressed after all.

I get the desire for the Grand Gesture. But what has meant more to me long term is his consistent efforts to be here for me when I hurt, to own up to his fucked upness and to be my real rock from here on out.

I get cards with lines of thanks & love for "rescuing" him.

I have given up on the idea of my fWS being indebted to me.

There is nothing that she could do that would seem good enough for me. Holding the A over her head even if only in my own mind just sets me up for more disappointment.

The only way she can make amends is to do the work on herself to become a happier stronger person so that it never happens again.

Romantic gestures are great if they are given as a token of love but not if they are an expression of remorse.

I kept asking for grand romantic gestures, and then felt like they were hollow upon receipt.

For example, he got me a new ring but I told him I didn't want a diamond anymore. He asked me what stone I would like and I said green sapphire. So he got it. It was big and expensive and flanked with diamonds anyway, but I had practically put it all together myself so it was more like my gift to me.

At the end of the day, the grand romantic gesture that I really want is consistency. Consistent truth and affection.

He kisses me while I'm sleeping every morning before he goes to work. That is just perfect.

Have any of your WS’s done something very romantic to try to make up for all the HELL they have put you through?

I find honesty, consistency, and her rubbing my back before I go to sleep very romantic. While I think the grand gesture can be complimentary, I'd rather her give me herself. Her time, her attention, selflessly and without expectation of anything in return. Just to show she loves me. The grandest gesture she can give me is her honest self. That's enough. I'm not saying that a make up gift wouldn't be appreciated, because it shows forethought, planning, and caring, but I just think that it is too temporary. Just my opinion.

A couple of weeks ago, on our first-kiss anniversary, I got him a very rare cologne that they no longer make. For a very long time, I gave to him sexually without expecting reciprocation (dwindled significantly when I discovered he was watching porn and rejecting me). Many nights I tried to surprise him with a homecooked meal that he'd really like. Other times I tried to dress up, change my body, act different sexually (like the porn stars he watched) to turn him on. Best thing, though, was to let him feel however he was feeling and listen and help him feel safe without questioning him. But I don't know if I would call those things grand gestures (except for the cologne and the birthday presents last year - tried to make that very special for him); more like things I should expect to do anyway as his wife, everyday. Support him.

ETA: Last year, tried to arrange for us to go to the Cheesecake Factory as a grand gesture, but he didn't want to go. That's okay, he didn't want to, but I feel badly that I couldn't make that happen.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:50 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

I don't think I want a grand gesture so much as I want him to tell the world he loves me I want him to rite on his fb wall how much he loves me (not on mine )fb is touchy subject that's were him and OP hooked up for long love letters or bring home my favorite candy make a big deal of my birthday like I do his and keeping it in his pants in the first place would be nice or make dinner for once rub my back before I fall asleep or make special plans for us to do things like I do for him I guess I want to feel number one

Well I don't know about romantic, but when I found out about the affair, I also found out that he had given her 5,000 in cash. I found out on December 14, 2010, and I told him right away that I wanted 5,000 in cash on January 14th, 2011. He had a month. I didn't care where he got it and he was to give it to me cheerfully and gladly.

My husband is the tightest person in the world and some of our problems, at least for me, had been about money and how my money was ours and his was his.

I was so fearful that he wouldn't come through or that he would act ugly or resentful when he gave it to me.

Nope. He came home with an envelope on our anniversary with 5,000 in cash. I knew that if he didn't is was done, so I was so relieved. I gave it back to him some time later, and I'll be darned if he didn't give it back to me when my car pooped out. Same envelope. He hadn't touched it. Not too romantic but it meant a lot to me.

You are all correct about the consistency. That IS the MOST important thing!! I guess I am just a pain in the ass. Over 11 years of marriage, I have never asked much as far as gifts etc.. I guess I just want to know that he is will to put the same amount of effort into doing something special for me that he put into doing special things for her.. IE giving her the car and lying to me.. sneaking around etc.. etc..

Something like the $5,000.00 is exactly what I would want. That is a beautiful gesture, especially knowing that he didn’t touch it after you gave it back!

He can never make it up. "You can't un-f**k the duck", as it were.

However, flowers, cards, romantic outings. The best… He has written songs for me for Christmas since. And, no! He's not a singer or writer.

Very awesome!

the whole "grand gesture" thing....our original MC back when we were going in 2008-2009 mentioned a grand gesture and it ultimately drove FWH crazy because he felt pressure by it. He tried and tried but never came up with one and then he started to believe maybe he didn't really love me. Things got really bad from there til I asked him to leave. This time....there has been no grand gesture requested, I honestly don't care. Him finally admitting that the A was the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life was plenty!! Because way back in the beginning he said he didn't think it was a mistake. This shows me he has grown, he has truly seen and realized exactly what he did and what it cost him. He has brought home flowers and a card one morning after work. He ran a romantic bath for us last week and we just soaked together for awhile. He doesn't make excuses for anything anymore. I think all these things are enough for me, as long as he keeps doing them.

I was looking through my old posts and thought I would update.

I was definitely in denial when I wrote the post above.We were in FULL ON false R when I wrote this. Wow! I was clueless. I just wanted everything to go away and I wanted to have my marriage back.

Just posting this to let those of you in the early phases know that there is hope. Shortly after this post, I was sure we were through. Although it still breaks my heart to know that the person I love and trust most in the world could have been so incredibly hurtful in so many ways to me and our children, it is amazing to see how wonderful and consistent he has been since pulling his head out of his ass almost two years ago.

Shortly after the post above I kicked him out and went NC with him after finding that he was still in contact w/ the OW. It was the turning point in our reconciliation process. Once he saw that I was serious about divorcing he stopped cake eating, did everything and anything to make it up to me, worked his way back into the house and has been the perfect picture of a remorseful WH ever since.

Romantic gestures that he has given in the past two years have meant a lot to me because in the pre-A I never asked for or needed them. Now,just knowing that he is willing to go through the trouble to think about and plan something sweet for me shows that our relationship is important enough to him to take time out of his very busy day to think about "us". Well I have gotten many gestures in the past two years..

1) always answers the phone or calls me back within' minutes or texts reason why if he can't answer.

2) keeps the find my iPhone app on phone so I know where he is at all times to make me feel safe.

3) answered all questions about A without being defensive.

4) surprise tattoo of my name w/ wedding ring on finger ( when he was still out of house)

5) my name is now on him 3 times and has 4th tat representing R and him sewing my heart back in my chest. He wants to get another with wedding rings with our names.

6) surprised me and bought me a motorcycle for our anniversary

7) bought a camper for vacations so we can spend more time together as family. Took us on a super fun trip to FL. And a few smaller mini vacations. ( we never did this in the past .. He used to complain when I asked to go on vacation pre-A)

8) got a glass rose for valentines day representing my heart and smashed it and told me he would put it back together no matter what t takes. The next V Day he actually sat down and glued the whole thing back together perfectly..IT TOOK HOURS.

9) goes out of his way to include me in everything he does. Pulls me away from household chores to come hang w/ him in garage etc..

10) we actually go on dates with each other and do things together that don't include kids. We never did this pre-A.

I could go on..but you get the picture.

Stay strong. There is hope.

How sad that it was a false R at the time but how wonderful that he's finally come around. I think it shows that even when they f up multiple times, there can still be hope. Albeit, we are in a million pieces by the time they stop.

The shattered rose...gluing it together--how sweet is that?!

I hope your R continues to be so sweet; you are string, loving person to stick it out like you did.

Thank you for posting a follow up. Hearing that true, positive stories can come out of this horrible situation gives me true hope and the ability to continue trying each day.

I'm so happy to read your story.