SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone have thoughts on is an "Affair Fog" the same as if you were just in the fog of being "single" (if you were actually single) and first dating someone.

Or does being in an "affair" heighten these sorts of feelings because it's something that is based on fantasy and brainwashing something you shouldn't be doing - drama - secrecy - lying to the persons your suppose to care and love for - that a "typical" person dating someone would not do or be in that sort of mind set?

Does this question even make sense?

Thoughts?

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 3:56 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

(I'm the WS)

To me it felt the same as "new relationship high." I'd already had a prior dating relationship with the OM that had been over for 4 years at the time the A began, so it was like newly dating all over again. I really didn't "get off" on the secrecy or the illicitness...I hated that part.

FWIW, it felt the same with my XH when we began reconciling as well, after having been apart for 2 years.

If you are single, you are not doing anything wrong by dating, so there is no need to try and justify it to yourself, or anyone else.

Being single and meeting new can give you those crazy "in love" sort of feelings that mess with logic, but that is not the same as affair fog. When you are dating, you don't need to denigrate anyone else to make yourself feel better.

Incidentally, not everyone having an affair experiences "the fog". Narcissists and sociopaths are pretty close to immune, since it does not conflict with their values. There are many other circumstances where people might have an affair without experiencing the fog.

Also, I think I know what you are looking for here.

I hate to say it, but the affair fog can last a lot longer than the affair. In fact, a WS can even break up with and begin to detest the OP and still have the fog remain. That is why it is considered so important to not only end the affair, but to do the work.

If you are holding out hope that eventually your WW will see the light regarding the OP, and that the fog will break and she will come back... well, it doesn't really work that way. A lot of the damage done to your relationship by the fog can be permanent. If a WS refuses to face what they have done, the fog can last a lifetime, even if the OP is long gone.

Aesir's replies made me go back and re-read your original post; I don't think I read carefully the first time. My fault.

The part of the affair that I consider "foggy behavior" WAS the secrecy, the lies, and the illicitness...and the fact that I was able to do such during that time even though it in no way represents my personal values. That is nothing like dating. Aesir makes a good point...when you're single and dating someone new, you're doing nothing wrong.

However, it is possible that people in active affairs eventually "see the light" and the newness and excitement of the OP eventually wears off. In that case they may start seeing their behavior for what it is and may stop doing it.

aesir - you always have good insight - thinking perhaps your a professional in this subject (or should be)

Yes - I would agree the FOG could/does last even if the affair is over - unless the WS admits to self - what they did - was so damaging and wrong to the BS.

My WS is seeing a psychotherapist and he has said he can't confront her with what she is doing or done but is trying to bring her back around to a 180 by helping her to see things. He said confronting them only pushes them back into their behaviour - that by slowly "moving them" asking specific questions and saying things like "thats interesting" "I wonder what that means" helps them to see.

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 3:54 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Interestingly, I was thinking something similar just earlier today.

And I think it can be either or both.

I think some affairs are about that new feeling of being in love, whether the WS admits it or not. And I think its possible to "feel like" you are in love with more than one person. Which is different than the actual act of love (which cheating/sneaking/ lying/hurting definitely is not).