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Looking for advise if possible...

My BH is suffering severely from PTSD. It's not just depression. He has physical symptoms that are beyond depression. Sometimes it is much worse then other days. His body reacts physically - shaking uncontrollably, often violently.

Last night as soon as we went to bed, his mind movies took over - actually this happens every night. Some nights are much worse then others. I can count on one hand the nights where he fell asleep without his body twitching. When he is having a really bad night and starts shaking violently, it seems my touch makes it worse. I just lay there feeling helpless. Wanting to hold and comfort him but knowing I can't.

His triggers aren't only at night - they are all the time. When we are with friends, watching football, eating dinner with our DS, in the shower, working in the yard, driving, - you can see him physically reacting to a thought. He says the mind movies are so real and vivid.

It is my understanding that PTSD is like a viscous cycle where your mind will never understand the trauma that has occurred. It is like it has just happened, over and over again.

I am posting because he is unable to seek professional help (work related), it is not because we can't afford it. The guilt I carry for causing this is huge. I can not let go of my guilt while watching him suffer. I just can't.

Any input would be appreciated.

Look into EMDR!! It really helps with PTSD.

I kind of know what he is going through. I experienced it second hand. I'm going to send you a PM.

(((SandAway and BH)))

Gma

Thanks Stillhere97, But EMDR isn't possible, unless it is something we can do at home.

Really looking for self treatment advice, if that is even possible...

My BS had to go on Meds after Dday to cope with PTSD, Anti depressants and Anti anxiety meds, but even those just take the edge off, doesn't get rid of every symptom.

You say you can't seek professional help...so it sounds like IC is out too?

I wish I had better advice for you and your BS.

Is he reading any self help books on how to treat PTSD?

A lot of the PTSD self help is going to be geared towards returning veterans. Try looking up PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder).

Also, it may be able to back door a professional treatment without it showing up on any records if you find a marriage counsellor that also has PTSD or PISD qualifications. It can all be classed under marrriage counselling, which I assume is okay.

Does anyone else find it ironic that things have gotten so ridiculous regarding employers being afraid of having someone with a psychological issue that they force their employees to not get treatment so there is no record?

I googled treating PTSD at home and I found sime sites which can be useful .. http://www.treatingptsd.com

This is one of them .. looks helpful

have you considered any faith based organizations. some have the ability to get the professional treatment and yet keep it off insurance or employer knowledge.

badchoice - yea, IC is off the table also. SI is pretty much his therapy. Probably not the best, but it helps when he needs to vent and he does get lots of support here. Not sure where we would be without it.

messedupchick - I have bought a few books on PTSD to help understand it as well as a workbook, hopefully they will help.

aesir - I originally thought it was PISD, even bought a book on it but it is PTSD that he has. My A had brought up many old buried traumas from his past. Backdoor treatment isn't possible either. Trust me, I suggested anonymity along with paying cash, but it isn't an option. And yes, it totally sucks that even a personal marriage issue isn't an excuse for seeking help.

EmotionalFool - checked out the website but that is to order a book for battered women... Doing research myself online.

5454real - Faith based won't work as it just isn't his thing.

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate you all taking the time to offer suggestions. It's nice knowing people do care and try to help.

(edited for spelling)

[This message edited by SandAway at 3:21 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Any input would be appreciated.

Okay, here are my suggestions.

First, your husband should really seek medical help. I was placed on Remeron (AD) and Xanax (Anti-anxiety med) for two years. As BadChoice said, it mostly takes the edge off.

Your husband needs to get outside and get some physical exercise. I'd recommend at least 60 minutes daily.

Eliminate any alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and sugars from his diet. Have him eat whole foods and forgo the junk food. Also, fish oil and a multivitamin are excellent supplements to take. He may need to take vitamin D as well. My physician recommended these supplements and I took them daily.

Eliminate or reduce loud noises/sounds in your home...TV, radio, telephone ringing, etc.

Don't insist on your husband going here or there. Let him decide if he wants to attend any functions outside the home.

Suggest he listen to soothing music such as relaxing nature sounds or praise and worship music. (Both helped me)

Here's an example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khnlt0NSbwU

Your husband needs to discuss the trauma he has endured. He may find himself repeating the same story over and over. It's called trauma. It's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. By doing this, I believe, the healing will begin.

Read PTSD self-help books and seek out info. on Youtube and the internet.

Now this is where you come in, SandAway. Tell your husband you love him and will do whatever it takes to help him. And mean it. And if he allows you to "love on him"...do it! Hug him and show him you care.

IMO, PTSD is the nearest thing to hell here on earth.

You and your husband are in my prayers.

[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 10:19 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

What kind of work situation precludes mental health care? It's as important to treat mental health needs as it is to treat physical illness. If insurance is an issue, there are low- and no-cost resources available. If it's a stigma thing--well, really, stigma has plummeted; a huge percentage of the population is on ADs or antianxiety meds---the world is finally coming to understand that the chemicals in our brains can require a jumpstart just as, say, diabetes requires the jumpstart of insulin in order to properly process glucose.

You can get basic mental health care from your primary care provider. The specialized treatment for PTSD or PISD needs professional help.

Is it really an impossibility,or is it just something he doesn't want to do? If the latter, please---do whatever you can to change his perspective.

In your shoes, I'd encourage him to locate a doctorally-prepared psychologist VERY experienced with emotional trauma who uses various modalities to regulate the physical response to the emotional trauma. My IC uses biofeedback, neurofeedback, and EMDR. I did not require IC for long---but wonder if I would have survived, emotionally, without it. I would NOT have let any "work-related" excuse place my physical and emotional well-being in jeopardy---with untreated PTSD, both body and mind are at grave risk.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:48 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

whoops wasn't clear. a priest Minister rabbi etcetera who might have a member of their congregation who is a counselor and would be willing to do it under the table so to speak. most in denominations are willing to reach across the table and help anyone in need. at least the 1s who practice what they preach.

Hi, SandAway, BS here. I suffer from devastating PTSD because of this nightmare, so I can relate to what your BS is going through. Mine manifested as a result of the A, but going through therapy, I understand that I have been through a great deal of trauma in my life (alcoholic father) that the A was the just the tipping point.

It is extremely difficult daily. I, too, trigger at almost nothing, pretty much all day many days. The one thing that helps is exercise, it is a must! Getting involved with any activity that will take his mind away from the trauma, even for short stints of time, is also necessary.

We recently went back to our NJ home for the holidays, seven weeks to be exact, and I didn't nearly trigger as much as I am now back in TX where Ihave a great deal of time to think, it is all-consuming and draining.

PTSD is very real, and unfortunately, there is no cure. One thing veterans are trying to do, something you might consider, is animal therapy. Having what they term a "battle buddy" to help soothe some of the emotions. Does he like dogs?

Would he be able to obtain a small dose of anti-anxiety medication from his PCP? I get a bit of relief from just a small dose of xanax from time to time. Ambien also to help him sleep, I think when our bodies are exhausted the symptoms worsen.

One thing you can do is be patient with him. I am 7+ years out, and occasionally my WH gets frustrated with me, I can understand to a point, but I always remind him about the symptoms and how sometimes I cannot just control my anger.

If you want to PM me, I'm here just about every day. There is a fb page I follow, veteran-related, but just by reading it, I feel less alone, perhaps something else your BS can look into.

[This message edited by annb at 4:21 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

There is a book about working through this type of trauma.

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing

I have worked extensively with veterans suffering from PTSD. One of the things they work on in therapy is having a plan worked out to deal with triggers before they happen. This is sometimes successful...sometimes.

Maybe he will discuss common triggers with you and work on a plan to help deal with them when they happen? That's only a small part of it but having a plan in place can help decrease the anxiety of waiting for the next trigger.

For example a code word for BH when you are in public and he feels it coming on would enable you to help ease him out of the situation into a place where he is able to deal with it safely and hopefully privately....?

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:29 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

I am a BH suffering from PTSD, but it took a long time to figure that out so all the "early treatment is most effective" advice doesn't help me. I don't know how long it has been for you.

My WW's A was 25 years ago, with a co-worker. It went on for a long time, even after the OM's W outed them on my front porch one day. That was pretty goddamned traumatic, let me tell you, and even after being caught worse than red-handed my WW still tried to deny it, and then wanted to "have her cake and eat it too" for a long time.

Nonetheless, we had a reasonably successful R and two kids (now grown) afterwards. I feel permanently scarred but reasonably happy. Still have some triggers, and will never fully trust her again, but keeping it under control 99% of the time.

Then, in the last month I was confronted with irrefutable evidence of an A between my two closest co-workers. Both married, just not to each other.

Bam! You talk about a trigger, it was like a bullet between the eyes, except it hurt more. The flashback literally took me back to that sunny day on my porch when a strange woman told me, in explicit detail, private things about my marriage that I didn't know.

I know that an A can leave you with bad movies and other memories, but with successful R and a good M afterwards, they fade with time. This was no fade, it was back in 3-D living color, complete with the sounds and smells, and the heart palpitations, sweats and nausea, the whole enchilada and a double side of extra hot sauce.

I know what your H is feeling. I didn't even consider PTSD until I saw a reference to it on SI, then I looked it up and I'm a 6 on a scale of 5. Sounds like your H is too.

I'm looking for professional help, hope to get started on something very soon. As for so many people in our fucked-up healthcare system, the creation of a "pre-existing condition" is a huge problem, but the cost without using insurance in these tough times is not an option. Fucked if I do, screwed if I don't. At least she had fun.

Sorry SandAway,

I just read through everything and found you are actually looking for help with PTSD. I have a lot of stuff available for that. PM me if you want and I will look through to see what I can get to you digitally or otherwise.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) was the most effective treatment for my PTSD. It is extremely effective in fact.

My PTSD was caused by a life threatening situation and also my sisters death. I had been having symptoms for 20 years until last year when I started EMDR with a psychologist.

There are books on how to do it yourself. I believe it could be quite easily done at home. I just searched for books on EMDR on fishpond and there is one called "Getting Past your Past" By Francine Shapiro. I haven't read it but I personally think that learning about it and trying this method with your husband could really help him.

When I went for EMDR. Some one told me there is an app for it and that they used that. Also there is EFT. And if you google it it will show a video it helps with anxiety.

Hi SandAway

There are some online resources

Trauma Releasing exercises have been so helpful in my management and given the very physical symptoms he is displaying may be helpful

Try googling TRE and David Berceli or Peter Levine.

Thiese excercises and somatic therapy have made a massive difference. My husband infidelity set me into a trauma hell reliving deep child hood pain.

Best wishes Meg