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My husband doesn't want me to go to individual counselling at all. He would never 'stop' me as such but he has said, lots of times over the weekend that he doesn't want me to go.

What am I supposed to do? I've hurt him enough and have no desire to hurt him more. If I go it will stress him out unnecessarily.

I'm stuck. My appointment with my doctor is tomorrow and it will be him who refers me to counselling. I'm wondering if I should just leave it for now, maybe go at a later date when he's feeling a little better?

BS here. Why does he not want you to go? That was a "must" for me and H to R - that he go to IC and he readily agreed. I go to IC as well. Plus we go to MC.

He's scared he'll get blamed.

He thinks the counsellor will advise we break up.

I would be curious why he doesn't feel comfortable with you going. I know in the beginning, even though IC was a requirement for R, I was afraid the C would encourage lra22 to leave me or that he would use that time to reminisce about his AP. To dispel some of my own fears, we did a joint first meeting with the C so I could get a feel for what she was like and after that appointment, I was 100% comfortable with him going to her for IC. Could this be similar for your H?

ETA: Just saw your post. Would he go to a joint first session?

[This message edited by MandoBando at 7:16 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

MandoBando seems to have a good suggestion for you and your H, Sienna.

It was really impt for both of us to know how someone could be so diametrically opposed to cheating and then....cheat. So, he's working on uncovering that.

I wish you well.

He would go to joint counselling but that convo did go a little strange, he said he would go as long as I didn't bring certain things up in case they get misinterpreted. I know what he means but I was trying to say that if we're both there we can explain things more clearly, that is of course assuming I don't freeze- another of his concerns and mine.

Could you assure your H that if the C suggests you leave your H, or hints that your H is to blame for the A, that you will not continue with that C?

Which brings up a point...go in with a game plan. My last, and best, C was told in the first meeting that infidelity was the primary issue and that it was my choice. He seemed to understand pretty quickly that I had a mindset that was in line with what we all know here on SI. He accepted it and worked with it.

Sienna, Don't you find it a bit odd that your BH is worried that about you seeking help? Really really odd in my book.

Does he not want you to find out how to help yourself?

Does he fear you getting healthy?

He should support you and put his own insecurities (or control issues....more likely) aside.

If he hasn't done anything wrong, why does he fear so much?

A good counselor will help you to heal. A good counselor can also recognize if you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are truthful.

Maybe your BH needs IC to figure out why he feels this way.

ETA: you should be able to discuss anything in MC....what topics

Are taboo according to BH?

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:35 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

My opinion is, you don't go.

Long story short, IC did a terrible amount of damage to my wife and to our marriage.

Sienna, Don't you find it a bit odd that your BH is worried that about you seeking help? Really really odd in my book.

Very. I also think the fact he doesn't want you to discuss certain things because they'll be "taken wrong" is complete bullshit. I think he's concerned they'll be assessed correctly and would mean he's got some serious work to do himself.

A bad IC is not a good thing. A good one can be priceless especially if they can help you find the tools or use the ones you have to work toward health.

If you read many BS's posts here you see how much they value their WS's getting healthy and becoming safe. Very odd yours doesn't. What is he afraid of? It's your lack of healthy processes that enabled you to make toxic choices. He wasn't a fan of those, now was he?

I really don't have a clue what to do. He's coming with me to the docs this afternoon but I don't know what I'm going to say.

He think's they'll make him sound like a "wife beater"- he's never hit me though and I know he wouldn't. I do know what he means though, he does have a tendancy to pull me about and I really wouldn't want a counsellor to get the wrong idea and go down that route. He wouldn't get half as frustrated if I spoke up more and that's what I want the counsellor to talk about and help fix.

I love the idea of him just going- he'll talk for me and I'll rely on that, like it even and he'll be upset that I didn't talk and it will be a waste of time. He'll still be scared I'm going to do it again.

I do make terrible decisions and I just don't know the right thing to do here.

...and, my Mum isn't keen on me going. She says they'll drag things up and draw it out and it won't help anyone. My sister thinks I should go... I don't want to upset my H anymore but I do want to try and fix this.

Sienna,

Maybe you have allowed him to speak for you for too long. You need to find your voice.

The more you let us in, the more concerned I am for you.

You desperatley need counseling in my opinion. You have done some very self-destructive things, and you don't know why.

You have a low opinion of yourself, and you must change that.

This is not about HIM. And shame on him for making it about him.

I agree there are bad counselors. But there are good ones. Look, you can bounce what they say off us here.

Finally, you offhandedly mention that he "pulls you about a bit." WTF. Care to explain how that is ok?

He just holds my arm a lot, like I'm a child- stands me up or sits me down. He does it when I freeze up. I just ignore it and he'll eventually say 'forget it' and we move on. I need him to see that I can't answer him when everything gets so dramatic, my mind starts racing and I choke. My lightly bruised arms coupled with me being silent or him talking for me might make a counsellor think I'm being hurt, I agree with my H on this but surely it's up to us what we discuss so they wouldn't know unless I said and I obviously wouldn't.

I would like to find my voice. It's so frustrating because sometimes I know the answer but then I just feel like the words don't come out, or I get scared that they'll come out wrong and make it worse.

He's coming with me to the docs and he'll leave time for me to speak, he always does... Then if I look at him he'll answer for me. He doesn't ever talk over me, if I am speaking he always listens. I have that horrible feeling I'm making him out to be bad again and he really isn't. He even texted to say he can wait outside if I'd rather go in alone, he said it's up to me.

I am a betrayed spouse. My cheating husband and I went to marriage counseling but I have been in individual therapy quietly now since I first found out and am still. We have discontinued marriage counseling and are OK. My spouse doesn't want me to still be seeing my therapist. He said his opinion of me would be diminished!

I think your spouse and mine are afraid. They want the pain to stop - different pain, of course. It's an anxiety to get things back to normal.

I think you should continue; even if you, too, need to do it quietly.

He would go to joint counselling but that convo did go a little strange, he said he would go as long as I didn't bring certain things up in case they get misinterpreted.

BH here and this is throwing some huge, huuuuuge red flags to me.

My lightly bruised arms

You should never have any bruises from your spouse laying hands on you. Never.

Not wanting you to go into IC because they might advise you leave

Wanting to censor what is brought up in MC, which would render it completely ineffective imho.

These indicate the mindset of a person who is controlling, if not abusive. He doesn't get to pick and choose what it worked on. He doesn't get a free pass for his behavior. The pre-A issues in the M should be addressed separately from the A but that does not, never does, mean they are not to be addressed at all.

If in his mind the IC/MC is going to advise you to leave the M because they might "misinterpret" his actions, then it's due to the fact that he knows he's wrong in how he behaves.

You need to be safe.

I am 100% safe with him, he can be controlling but a lot of the time it's my choice too. He doesn't hurt me he just gets so frustrated that I don't talk to him.

I'll be going soon so I think I'll just see what happens.

I understand that you are in a place where you feel the need to protect him right now.

Can you look at what we are trying to say? Him being frustrated because you don't talk doesn't give him the right to bruise you, and I am sure it doesn't make you feel like talking to him does it?

This need to clam up and not talk goes way back doesn't it?

He just holds my arm a lot, like I'm a child- stands me up or sits me down. He does it when I freeze up.

Ok, this is how my ex started. Thing is he hasn't had to escalate. He has been in control. Yes, your choices to cheat were not his. However, he may not get the same pain many betrayeds do. Mine didn't. In fact in a sick way he got off on it.

His lack of encouraging you to get healthy is a very big red flag. Your paralysis is enabling his dysfunction and the dynamic worked until you went off the reservation in a blind attempt at finding your voice and taking control.

Now you have shame for your choices which you might as well throw in a fat guy and a tree. Christmas for people like this.

Please stop polling the crowd and do something HEALTHY for your self to become a safe person for yourself and other's.

Your husband is afraid that the counselor will call his behavior exactly what it is. That shows you he knows what he's doing is wrong but sees no need to stop it.

Sienna, even if you're never sitting in an ER waiting to get your jaw x-rayed because you forgot beer please don't dismiss his actions. You don't accept someone moving you unless you're in the path of an oncoming car, for fucks sake.

I never even noticed it until a friend called him out on it. My ex would just move me out of the way if he needed to get in a drawer or by me. He would laugh and say it was easier than saying, "excuse me I need to get where you're standing". "Fucking move" would have actually been kinder.

Not ok. You know this. Rage, hon. You have it. Soooooo far down its just whispers but it's there. Get help. For you. For your kids.

Revisiting this after last night. UO is so right as are the others urging you to get IC. None of us know you so we have no ulterior motives here. No hidden agendas. This is pure.

You need help. Your kids need you to get help. YOU are their only voice right now.

LA

I think it's just so difficult working out the 'right' thing. I struggle to decide on anything... This is why I asked on here but I know I shouldn't have, I'm a big girl and it's my life.

Anyway, my H did a U turn and wants me to go on my own, he told my doctor after a huge 30 second silence of him waiting for me to speak. Very embarrassing.

He sees me not speaking as being childish and he's probably right, it just drives him mad. He asks me a question and if I don't answer he just sort of pulls down on my arm and shouts my name. He does know it isn't right, he knows he can be horrible to me. He isn't a bad person I'm just driving him to the edge.

Our kids are alright, they're pretty unaware luckily. He's an amazing Dad. We had 1 shaky moment a while back but that's all forgotten now. I'll be a lot better as soon as my H is hurting less.