Please be gentle with any 2x4’s, but, I think I am co-dependent. But I do not know why. I am successful, I have a great career, I can, financially, take care of myself and my daughter with no problems. I am currently pursuing my Master’s degree. Overall, I feel pretty confident in my ability to provide for my daughter and myself. However, I have this stbx that for some reason, I have not confronted yet. And I have been doing a lot of thinking. I don’t want to lose the “comfort” of being in a “relationship” (if that’s what you want to call it). When things are good, they’re great. But NONE of that can excuse this behavior of his!!! So everyone tells me “kick his ass to the curb, if he’s homeless, that’s on him”. But then, me…I can’t actually see myself doing that to someone. Yes, yes, I know, HE did this to himself. But he is the father of my daughter…and I am putting my happiness and my well-being on the back burner in order to avoid being “the bad guy”, the “crazy ex”. This guy has DENIED MY EXISTANCE in his little circle of “friends”, yet here I am, afraid to be alone…like I’d rather be in a bad relationship than to be alone. But I KNOW that it’s not what I want. I just take my time in taking that first step…
We have been together for 12 years. I was the faithful wife who stood by him during 4 deployments to Iraq. I have always taken care of EVERYTHING. He never knew how much money as in the account. All he had to do was provide me with receipts every day, and I would tell him if there was no money to spend, or don’t spend more than $20 this week, etc. I took care of the cars. Oil changes, maintenance, etc. I took care of the house. I took care of EVERYTHING. I was in charge. I was in control. He…well, he served his country. I always let him “relax” because I always felt that he sacrificed so much. When he got PTSD, I helped him get in to counseling. When we reconciled, I took care of the MC appointments. When a big event happens in his life, I contact his mother to let her know. He rarely talks to her. I have practically been his mother this whole time. And now, I have reason to believe that I am co-dependent. He will not move out if I ask him to. And I do not want to resort to a court order or getting the police involved. Why? I don’t want to be “the bad guy”. I know how stupidly ridiculous this all sounds. If I were reading someone else’s post and read this, I would think “WTH?? He’s using you, he’s dragged you through the dirt, why the hell are you co-dependent on a guy who doesn’t put as much effort in to you as you do him? WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR DD????”. I feel guilty a lot. If I don’t feel that I did my wifely duties to a certain standard, I feel guilty, like a failure. Not because he makes me feel like one, but because I hold extremely high expectations on myself. Its like, if I did a half ass job on such and such, then others will think I am a dirty person, or a bad wife, or a bad mom, and that is not acceptable to me.
My parents are most definitely in an abusive, co-dependent relationship. My father is in an open relationship with another woman, who he brings to the house, and my mother turns the other cheek. She won’t leave him, even though she is successful, retired military herself and has a Master’s degree herself. Perhaps I am doing what I have learned.
I have not confronted. I will confront soon. I am deathly afraid of losing the comfort. What comfort? I do not know. But I know that I am afraid to bring another man in to my daughter’s life out of fear that he will be a pedophile. As a child of sexual abuse myself, I trust no man with my daughter except her father.
I have an IC appointment next week to address all of this and start working on making ME happy. To work on doing what is best for ME AND MY DD.
Thank you for listening…