SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had many real reasons for suspicion however at a time of weekness I went to her phone and found full fledged sexting, photos exchanged, proof they have been together before and that this next weeks's beach trip with an old friend will include him for at least a portion if not the who,e four days. I've confronted her with my suspicions and she has denied it. Our relationship has been in a rut for years. She has always been physically reserved and I thought it was just her way. Married 7 years. Have a home and a five year old son.

I know my act was bad but I want to confront her just as she leaves for her trip. I want her to know that if she still goes through with this weekend, she will have to do it with me knowing on her mind.

I don't know if this will be fixed in the long run but I know that my confession of how I know may accelerate a possible separation and divorce.

You deserve more than to skulk about in the shadows like she has. If you know you have a right to confront. It's not your actions you should be worried about affecting the future of your M.

Though if you are prone to anger try not to do things you might later regret, your anger is powerful and justified but try not to let it take the wheel.

Confront her immediately you deserve to find out who she really is.

I know my act was bad

What did you do that was bad? Looking through her phone? That's not bad or weak--> that is smart.

You've already confronted her a bit and she denied....so you know that she's not going to just fall on her sword.

You could have a friend or a PI follow her to her beach trip and gather 'hard' evidence. The downside is that she will have already spent that time with him.

OR

Just tell her that you 'know'. That you know she has betrayed you and your son and that you know that she hasn't been honest with you about her beach trip plans. How you 'know' isn't important and the only people that will get caught up in that one are the ones that are looking for a way to get sneakier so that they aren't caught the next time.

NEVER feel guilty for doing what you have to do to get the truth. Oh, wait....that doesn't include things like torture and whatnot....I'm referring to investigative techniques.

More back story.....

Eight months ago she broke down saying she didn't know if she was really in love with me anymore. She mentioned our long physical drought (which she has never been in the mood, I would be willing to do anything whenever or wherever for her) like that was an indicator that we BOTH should be culpable. I was fully ok with us both being e problem for a limping marriage but I was willing to fight like hell for US, not just our son.

I asked her many times to make sure she wanted to work on us and she said she did. However she never really tried to change her attitude around me or try to be more engaged.

During that time she had read some fifty shades of grey, bought sexier underwear, and decided she wanted to go on birth control. The BC could be understandable as she had always wanted more manageable periods and she admitted that she hoped the other things would put her in a better mood physically. She also though had password protected her phone and made sure her email and Facebook on or computer was always logged out. I understood part of that based on a five year old prevalent to the computer and an iPhone.

Her mood or engagement never really got better though. One weekend morning I got up with our son and as he ate breakfast, I went to the computer to my Facebook which I leave logged in. I went to my messages and saw something saying good morning love...odd. Started reading and then realized I was in her fbook messages. Nothing specific to an actual A but a lot of love you. Panty picture. When can we be together, etc. it took me a week to confront her because I didn't know how and I was obviously distraught, she kept asking what was wrong. When I told her she admitted to just it being a message type emotional affair. I told her this had to stop if we had any chance. She was very upset and sorry but I feel it was just she hated that I had to see that. Not for what she is doing.

I had noticed secret things she never told me about. She never still became emotionally invested in me and every little thing was something to force my suspicions.

Now I am here. Wanting her to know I know all her dirty little goings on. I am not a vengeful person but in all the desire she and he are showing for this next trip. I just want to maybe ruin that. Then go from there.

I don't think you are seeing the bigger picture though if your goal is just to make her feel guilty as she goes and continues the affair. In my eyes that is almost tacit acceptance of the affair itself.

I don't know what your relationship is like but I don't think it is unreasonable to confront and say no beach trip.

Welcome brother Nik)))

Gently, you have already confronted her.

She lied.

No surprise there, as 99.9% of cheaters lie.

The real questions are: how do you confront yourself & your new reality?

1st confrontation

- ok, 'your act was bad' & your M has 'been in a rut for years', but you did not cause her adultery.

Brand that on the forefront of your brain.

You did not cause her to choose an affair.

That is 100% on her. Her choice. You own 50% of the old M problems, it's old, it's dead, she killed it!

You own 0% of her A.

Stay calm now.

So, she wants to go off on a fuckfest with the aid of an old friend? Fine. Let her choose.

You can't change her anyway.

That's confrontation #2.

Confrontation #3 is what you choose to do if she chooses to go anyway.

I take it that your idea of M is that it involves only 2 people. Not 3.

Tell her you're willing to build a new M, offer her the gift of R (Reconciliation), but you're not willing to share her.

Don't listen to any more lies, evasions, justifications, or anything at all unless it's snot-bubbling remorse.

If she chooses to go anyway, use that time to lawyer up & find out your options.

Knowledge is power, & boyoboy do you need some power right now brother.

Affairs are emotionally eviscerating - do we ever know this!

Best move is to grab your balls right away & be strong, even if you have to fake it till you make it.

Strength to you!

Eight months ago she broke down saying she didn't know if she was really in love with me anymore.

That means this has been going on for longer than 8 months.

Hi Nik79, welcome to SI, though I'm sorry you had reason to be here. Even if it seems everything else has gone to hell, you've at least got SI in your corner now.

Perhaps it wasn't a time of weakness but rather a time of resolve to get answers when you went to her phone. You felt in your gut there was something going on and it wasn't like cheaters take out a billboard to keep you in the know. Rather, infidelity thrives in secrecy.

In confronting, you must be VERY sure not to reveal how you got your information. Don't know if you've been reading here much; I see you registered last month so hopefully you have. However, if not or you've missed it, a lot of times affairs go underground. The WS now knows you're onto them and they do the minimum to keep you on the line while simultaneously going dark ops with their communication.

If you haven't already made copies of the information you saw on the phone, you should consider doing so. Sometimes the denials the BS hears are so vehement and so manipulative as to make you question whether you "really" read what you think you read, saw what you think you saw, etc.

You may also want to consider how you will maintain access to information should your WS profess to be penitent...because sadly too often saying is easier than changing the behavior.

I know my act was bad but I want to confront her just as she leaves for her trip. I want her to know that if she still goes through with this weekend, she will have to do it with me knowing on her mind.

I covered the "act was bad" part initially; the second part, about "me knowing on her mind"....gently, she's known she's married right along.

Stopping the behavior must come from remorse and a desire to change, not from whether or not you know.

You didn't describe much about the upcoming trip. How long has it been planned? How far away is she going? Who's the friend?

Depending on your individual situation, and details I don't know, I might be inclined to find a reason either she can't go or that you CAN go. Or figure a way to spin the information you have to where you won't reveal your source, confront, and say you're not comfortable with her going.

First and foremost, where were you at with the marriage before this? Were you contemplating divorce? Is reconciliation even something you want to consider, or ?

Good luck to you. Have you read the Tactical Primer in JFO yet? http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Do so if you haven't.

*****

EDITED TO ADD:

I see several posts added since I started writing mine (I'm slow!) ~

I'm with gonnabe2016 & jjct. There's been an active affair, it appears; you've confronted once, and she's continued. Right now you've got too many people in your marriage.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 10:25 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

I know that throwing in her face upon her leaving may just be contrite but it just feels like the the thing that will easily embarrass her and hopefully if the first minor revaluation was so shameful to her, telling her what I've seen know should really make her sweat. I also want to get this out just so I don't take my anger out on my son. Not anything really bad but just being short and not very receptive.

I do know it has been going on for a while. I think the first emotional breakdown that I noted was more of a guilt and see kind of thing. Her guilt. I think by bringing up all these underlying issues, she is hoping I would just agree and start talking separation and divorce.

I'll go through times of depression and she'll bring it up and act like what is my problem. I've said in the past that I just feel like she isn't really into this and That I still have an A suspicion. It kind of just gets an "I don't know what to tell you".

I had feared the revelation of how I know. I don't know how she is going to react. I guess that is why I thought I would text her when she is on her way to the beach and start telling her what I know. I think what I want the best is for her to really break down with sorrow. I guess that is just trying to drag her down to see the level of despair that I am in.

I definitely have not told anyone beside a forum I frequent and here. I did talk to a lawyer on the phone because I wanted to know what I should be aware of if I confront and how that goes. I know the her texts are not something that can prove adultery to anyone but her and I.

Assets are not an issue as we are pretty much 50/50 in all that we have. My biggest fear and the only thing that has had me break down into tears is knowing that not only is my heart shattered, we have to break the heart of our already sensitive son. I can rationalize my future with our without her but I have a sense of hopelessness on keeping him from having to experience this.

I think I resent her most for having to jeopardize the happiness of our son. Also though because in the early discussions of her falling out of love is she said she maybe didn't have that passionate connection with me that she should have had from the start. So now I've wasted ten years with her. Brought a wonderful child into a failed marriage. All because she never had her emotional shit straight. She pushed a move in, engagement, home purchase, having a child. Now that I am not able to provide a bigger house for more kids or allow her to work from home, she now dwells on the physical part? Not that I succumb to her pushing. I definitely can drag my feet. However I allowed her to make me focus on my future. And every decision came down to one thing to me. I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. Plain and simple.

great advice jjct

jjct:

Don't listen to any more lies, evasions, justifications, or anything at all unless it's snot-bubbling remorse.

I absolutely LOVE how you worded that. It is how I felt and what I hoped/waited for -- so glad I didn't hold my breath.

Sad12008:

Sometimes the denials the BS hears are so vehement and so manipulative as to make you question whether you "really" read what you think you read, saw what you think you saw, etc.

So true. I specifically recall this -- becoming confused -- I could have sworn I READ a text from WBF to OW offering to pick her up - "I can scoop you up." A saying/word he uses... but based on his VEHEMENT denial quickly was caused to become confused -- "I don't even know where she lives! How could I pick her up?" Hm, maybe it was OW who offered to come get him..? "No...She doesn't even have a car!" Well, then she must have ASKED him to come get her... Damnit -- I KNOW I read SOMETHING about someone "scooping up" someone!!! Urgh.... so friggin' frustrating..!

So glad to be OUT OF IT...

Just wish I had had all the great advice available on SI beforehand... would have saved me A LOT of time/aggravation and unnecessary dragged-out pain.

I hope you can stop her from going Nik79...

it just feels like the the thing that will easily embarrass her and hopefully if the first minor revaluation was so shameful to her, telling her what I've seen know should really make her sweat

I don't think that she's going to *sweat* or be embarrassed when you confront her. I'm sorry, but I just don't see that happening. If the first revelation had been so shameful to her, then she wouldn't have continued her behavior. What I'm thinking is that you are *projecting* YOUR feelings onto her. YOU know how YOU would feel and react if you had gotten yourself caught up in the same type of shenanigans that your WW is pulling. However, I can almost guarantee you that her thought process is very much different than yours.

That I still have an A suspicion. It kind of just gets an "I don't know what to tell you"

We call this "gaslighting" around here. It's designed to make you feel crazy. You told her that you were still suspicious of her and she acted as if she had no idea what you were talking about. Nice, huh?

JJ gave you a pretty sure-bet course of action to follow.

Take care of you and take care of your little.

{{{hugs}}}

Tell her now! If you tell her on the way to the beach, I think you are going to be set up for some major disappointment. Because, the reality is "she is so far into the fog and having a full-on affair". I fear she will still go. She is in a fantasy land right now.

Get into that facebook account!!!

Don't feel bad about looking and finding out. WS should expect that from BS for a long time. Their betrayal has warranted/caused their loss of privacy. If they don't like-they shouldn't cheat. At the least, she has admitted to an on-line EA already.

You deserve better than walking on egg-shells being afraid that you will make the wrong move that will make her leave. She should want to stay and be with her family. She is either in a fog or already checked out. Sort it out before she leaves and makes it worse.

I think what I want the best is for her to really break down with sorrow.

Not only is that is completely understandable from an emotional standpoint, it also makes a lot of sense. Just like Sad12008 said - we shouldn't listen to anything less than 'snot bubbling remorse'.

I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. Plain and simple.

I know -- we all here know -- this sucks. So sorry for what you're going through.

Several months - perhaps even close to a year before I discovered what my WBF was up to - I noticed an article in the internet history... titled "Why do people fall out of love?" It hurt so much... but that is what happened. And he- HE was the one in the beginning 3 years prior who expressed concern about how his previous long term relationship ended because she claimed her love was forever, but "it wore off"... and he was seeking reassurance from me that I would not similarly break his heart... and look what ended up happening.

Is there someone, an aunt or grandparent that can take care of your son for the time you choose to deal with her/this?

During that time she had read some fifty shades of grey, bought sexier underwear, and decided she wanted to go on birth control.

So the A was already on then ^^

...and

Nothing specific to an actual A but a lot of love you. Panty picture. When can we be together, etc.

How is this^^ nothing specific to an actual A??

Look, you've got a thick case of BS fog happening here. Why do you think you deserve so little respect? Why do you feel you have to justify looking at her phone? In a solid marriage husbands and wives ask each other to answer an incoming call without giving it a thought, or ask the other to check their email -- no big whoop.

If your boss had underpaid you once - wouldn't you be checking your paycheck each week? How is that bad?

I think you absolutely need to confront, but you don't need to tell her how you know - nor should you. You know she is cheating - and trust me - she knows she is cheating!

I certainly hope you have pictures of those texts, or that you forwarded them to yourself, or otherwise have documentation of the A. (Because I suspect you are going to need to read them over and over again to accept the reality of your situation). It sucks, but it is real, and you need to deal with it.

Focusing on "how" you know is just a way to blameshift and to derail the conversation and make you feel guilty and to get you to withdraw. You are being manipulated big time!

You already told her you know - providing proof (to someone who already knows what they themselves are doing) is well, silly...

I'd be doing 3 things this week if I were you: 1) Make an appt. with an IC versed in infidelity. 2) consult with a good atty. to find out where you stand and 3) GET TESTED FOR STD's. and 4) decide what you'd need to continue in the M if she gives you that choice - make a list of your dealbreakers.

Just before the trip, I'd let her know very matter-of-factly that you've done 1,2, and 3 above and that if she chooses to go - you'll be filing. Frankly, you have nothing to lose at this point.

(( Nik79 ))

I think what I want the best is for her to really break down with sorrow.

Naturally. That's what you would do if you cheated!

But that's not her. (like gonnabe said)

You can't control her.

You can't change her.

You can't make her have remorse.

Stop. Trying.

Take hold of you. The one you can change.

I guess that is just trying to drag her down to see the level of despair that I am in.

Trying to get her to see your level of sorrow will repel her.

- she doesn't care right now

- she's not remorseful right now

- she's planning a fuckfest, she's in the giddy clouds of anticipation

Stop trying to get her to see anything, do anything, be anything.

Take all that energy and focus it on you.

You do.

You see.

You be.

NOT HER.

As men are hard-wired to respond to physical features,

women are hard-wired to respond to strength. Confidence.

Balls. Grab them.

(Besides, she's already dragged herself down plenty!)

Eight months ago she broke down saying she didn't know if she was really in love with me anymore.

During that time she had read some fifty shades of grey, bought sexier underwear, and decided she wanted to go on birth control.

She also though had password protected her phone and made sure her email and Facebook on or computer was always logged out.

Nik79,

This is classic, and I mean spot-on classic wayward behavior. I got almost the identical signs.

Gently, this woman is, and has been, having a sexual affair.

Sear the following into your heart, mind, and soul:

What she has been doing has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

She will simply perceive marital issues as a great excuse that she was somehow "pushed" into the affair. Infidelity is a PERSONAL issue, not a MARITAL issue.

DO NOT accept any blame for her what she has done.

Now, personally, I would recommend the following. Become steely, cold, deliberate, and determined. Consult with an attorney. File for, and begin FOLLOWING through with a divorce. That jolt of reality is probably the best chance you will have to get her to open her eyes to see what she is doing to her, your, and your child's lives. It will send a clear and strong message to her that you are NOT fucking-around and you won't tolerate her literal fucking-around. It will show her that you value yourself more than this Jerry Springer bullshit she is heaping upon you and your child. Your demonstrated determination will increase your value in her eyes because of this.

If she becomes remorseful, and you are so inclined, then you can decide to attempt reconciling. If not, then you are already on your way to healing and starting a new life while leaving the lies, deceptions, and adultery with her. You don't have to take that with you.

Confront her and tell her PI would be on her tail throughout the fest.

Knowing what you know, you shouldn't allow her to have that trip.

[This message edited by Happydays at 2:02 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

CONFRONT BEFORE THE TRIP. CONFRONT CONFRONT CONFRONT. Why give her the freedom to continue to be a selfish back-stabber any longer. Sexting and inappropriate pictures is certainly a breach of marital vows. Take control, Nik. Take control as soon as you can.

I want to thank everyone for their help. It does feel so much better knowing I have a place to vent and just get my feelings out there. I don't really want to talk with friends or family or coworkers at this point. Most friends are common and I don't want to tell family until things are moving towards whatever direction they go. Also the last thing I want to do is tell family as my mom is completing final rounds of chemo.

I will say that I have changed my mind about the confrontation. I will take the advice of many or all of you and find a way to confront before hand.

However I don't know if I can stand on the I just know without telling her how. There is NO other way I would ever be able find out. Also if she is to keep denying it then I'll need to support my accusation.

Her trip is to be a trip to the beach with an old sorority sister of hers who she keeps in touch with from out of state. This is who she was to be with on a previous trip which I have reservations about but nothing concrete. S I can partially believe that this may include mostly a trip with the girls but I do know at least one night is to be with him.

Also if she is to keep denying it then I'll need to support my accusation.

Sure, that might work with a child or a rational adult.

But that isn't what you're looking at here.

Bottom line is that she's a denying gaslighter. You could have video proof of her in the act that includes audio--she'd STILL lie to you.

If she denies or wants to know how you know, you:

**just repeat that you know;

**tell her to stop insulting your intelligence;

**tell her HOW you know doesn't matter, but it's time for her to come clean with you.

**tell her someone contacted you and told you. And *who* doesn't matter;

**ask her why she's so freaked out about it.

OR. Just tell her that you know that she's having an affair. You aren't going to share your wife. She either stays home and commits 100% to YOU or you stuff her shit in generic trash bags and tell her to not come back to the home after her trip.

Shock and awe, my friend. These gas-lighting fools will understand nothing else. And even shock and awe is no guarantee of any certain outcome other than you get the *toxin* our of your life sooner so that you avoid being hurt further.