SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is on my mind a lot lately. Having just become single yet again, I can't see any reason why I would want to go through any of it any more.

I can't imagine that there is even a man who exists who would be able to give me what I need, or who would be able to handle me. I'm quite a handful to be honest.

And I can't imagine that I will ever feel anything other than distrustful and cynical. That's not a good place to be- but every experience I have tells me that I'm right to be that way.

People lie, they deceive, they bullshit. They are generally shallow and immature. They are selfish, closed minded, and demanding. They don't take the time to figure out who they are and what they want and then they blame you because they don't know.

People can't cope with anything difficult, so they run away when the going gets tough. I think their instinct is to trash what they have and look for something easier- but life isn't easy, so they wind up in an endless cycle of searching and dumping. And they don't even stop to think why they're doing it.

I want more than that, and I don't think it even exists. I don't want to put up with hoping that this time I'll find it, only to be disappointed again. It's just a worthless exercise.

Anyone else feel like that??

Yup. Word for word what you wrote.

Except you left out the part about getting together with people whose life narrative is that they don't deserve anything good/to be happy so they take shit out on you in order to push you away so they can live their own self-fufilled prophecy of undeserving-ness (of which you are now the victim). That one is the BEST.

Sigh.

People lie, they deceive, they bullshit. They are generally shallow and immature. They are selfish, closed minded, and demanding. They don't take the time to figure out who they are and what they want and then they blame you because they don't know.

People can't cope with anything difficult, so they run away when the going gets tough. I think their instinct is to trash what they have and look for something easier- but life isn't easy, so they wind up in an endless cycle of searching and dumping. And they don't even stop to think why they're doing it.

To help in replying to your question I need some clarification. Since you referenced men in the beginning of this post, can I substitute men for people in the quote above or do you feel this way about all of humankind.

I feel that way sometimes. I just don't see the point in a romantic relationship. I could have just as easily gone to a sperm bank (or just had amazing sex with a hot guy at the right time of the month) and had these kids and ended up where I am now, a single mother, only better off financially & with a fulfilling career. So why did I get married again? Was it really necessary for me to lose my career and be completely destroyed as a human being?

Well, I am alone now but I'm not sure I would say it is easier. Some aspects are, some aren't. I ultimately want to be in a committed relationship with a man, and I'm finally healed enough to be considering dating. I've spent plenty of time alone in my life, and of the two, I prefer being a part of a couple.

I don't think ALL people are as awful as you state, but some certainly are. I can understand that you just don't want to do the work to weed through the dreck to find a man that meets your requirements. I know far too many good people, IRL and on this site, to not have hope of meeting a good man.

Although there is nothing wrong with choosing to be alone, it sounds like you are unhappy that way, and unhappy with recent events. Since this is recent, perhaps you just need some alone time to heal.

I made the decision to remain single. With XW2 promising me that she'd never, ever hurt me or cheat on me, then doing it repeatedly over the course of our relationship and marriage, I no longer have any capability to trust.

There's just nothing about relationships that appeals to me. I'm a loner by nature, I'm asexual, I'm infertile and don't like nor want children...three strikes. I don't believe that there is "somebody for everyone". I think there are some folks, like myself, that are just meant for the single and solitary life.

No.

I think it would be lonely.

People lie, they deceive, they bullshit. They are generally shallow and immature. They are selfish, closed minded, and demanding. They don't take the time to figure out who they are and what they want and then they blame you because they don't know.

People can't cope with anything difficult, so they run away when the going gets tough. I think their instinct is to trash what they have and look for something easier- but life isn't easy, so they wind up in an endless cycle of searching and dumping. And they don't even stop to think why they're doing it.

I don't think that is true of all people, or all men. We all have faults. But there are also people that are honest, don't bullshit, know themselves, and stay the course when things get difficult.

They may be difficult to find but are very worth it when you do.

I would rather be single and alone than be lonely in a relationship. And depending on what age I am when my current relationship ends, I may choose at that time to be alone. But not because it's easier. Or because I'm distrustful. Or because I find people to be as horrible as you now feel they are. But because it'll be the right thing for me, at that stage of my life.

I'm sorry you're hurting. ((Eranda))

Count me in Eranda. I think I knew it on DDay that if things didn't work out with WH (obviously they didn't) that was it for me. I am done. Funny my X said the exact same thing however he called me a couple weeks saying he is thinking about getting remarried.

I think there are some folks, like myself, that are just meant for the single and solitary life.

I agree.

you just don't want to do the work to weed through the dreck to find a man that meets your requirements

Well that's definitely true. It's too much work, for too little benefit. Even the ones who seem to have it together- when you get to know them, they're a mess. People are just a mess in general, I'm finding.

perhaps you just need some alone time to heal.

See, that just seems to be everyone's answer... not that it's a bad answer- I just think it's simple answer to a complicated situation. Just because I'm "healed" still doesn't mean I want to go through it all again for nothing, kwim?

There's just nothing about relationships that appeals to me.

That's kind of how I feel. Like relationships are always a struggle for me. Like I never really get what I need out of them. And then they end, for stupid/immature/selfish reasons that I can never really understand.

I'm not unhappy being alone- in fact I kind of prefer it a lot of the time. I like doing things my way, and when I want. I guess part of me still worries that that means there's something wrong with me.

I just recently had a realization that was pretty stunning. I always thought I was an extrovert- but I'm not. I'm actually pretty introverted when it comes right down to it. I don't like small talk and bullshit. I get stressed out in situations where there are too many strangers. I think too much, and I expect other people to think too- and that's usually too much to ask. Most people arrange their lives so they have to think as little as possible.

I guess I'm trying to convince myself that being alone is ok and doesn't mean I'm a social outcast or something. I'm not trying to convince myself that being alone is ok because I really want to be part of a couple and right now I just can't. This feeling is much deeper than that.

Does that make sense?

BTW- 6M$Man, nice to see you dude, it's been a while! You and I are some serious old-timers around here eh?

I read the introvert signs thing going around on FB and pretty much every one of those points applied to me.

The shocker was reading about how they were/are considering putting those into the box marked "screen for mental illness" as if we're some kind of secret leper tribe or something.

Togetherness is overrated IMO.

I'm at an age where I have my shit together and can now ENJOY doing things my way, free from the relentless hunt for the next mate.

I'm officially old. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I like your way of thinking FF. That's my excuse too.

[This message edited by mom of 2 at 7:44 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

they were/are considering putting those into the box marked "screen for mental illness"

Hmmm... maybe my x is right and I am completely insane LOL.

Yeah... I don't think so.

Yes, absolutely.

But it is not some deep contentment with being alone that makes me feel this way.

It is fear. Fear is not healthy.

I read an article about different types of infidelity and one line raised a flash of anger in me. "A few men and women go into a rage and refuse to turn back, and then spend a lifetime nursing the narcissistic injury,".

I'm not ready. I may never be. As angry as it makes me it is true, right now I am still nursing my narcissistic injury.

Yes there are just plain universally shitty people out there. There are people shitty for us. There are people we are shitty for.

We can't say "people" are all shitty without including ourselves.

People aren't all shitty. Lots of folks are wonderful, amazing, kind-hearted and just plain lovely. Most wouldn't dare let anyone see that side of them lest they get burned again.

I see it all the time, someone starts off being stand offish and kind of aloof then you get to know them and you realise what a jewel of a person they are.

Most of my closest friendships started off with them finding me far too OTT (I am 'me' from the get-go) and me finding them completely uninteresting. Forced togetherness via mutual friends or working environment had us inadvertently getting to know each other.

I think we can be just as sick and hurt alone as we can be in a garden-variety toxic M. I am not saying its not better to be out of a toxic M as it absolutely is, I'm saying that we can be almost as miserable OUT of those toxic M's as we were in them. Not because we miss our spouses but because we're not healthy. Being out of toxic Ms means no new hurts but that doesn't mean the old hurts aren't still keeping us unhealthy.

I don't hope to be alone forever nor do I hope to be in a relationship.

I just hope that whatever way it turns out that I am in that place for healthy reasons, not unhealthy reasons.

Alone or coupled I just want to be healthy and happy. I don't think either option is a guarantee of health and happiness - I don't think your relationship status has anything to do with your health and happiness.

The thing about walls is yes they keep the bad stuff out but they also keep the good stuff out too.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:08 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

"A few men and women go into a rage and refuse to turn back, and then spend a lifetime nursing the narcissistic injury,".

I know people like this. They never forget, and they never accept. They are always a millimeter away from rage about the situation, and they hang onto the pain like grim death.

That's not me. I'm ok with what happened all those years ago, and I've had several other relationships since then. Some of them serious. My life does not in any way revolve around that infidelity.

I guess I feel the way I do because the pattern I see is not something I want to be involved in. Meaningless dating just to be able to say you're dating and so you don't have to be alone and face yourself for any length of time. Not being truthful about who you are when you meet someone. Expecting to get more than you give. Using other people as crutches to deal with your issues. Expecting solutions to be easy and then getting mad when they're not.

These are not healthy things in a relationship and yet in my experience- they are the main thing people do in relationships. And they see nothing wrong with it- and when I do, then I'm the one with the problem...?

Perhaps my problem is the despite being as cynical as they come- I still believe what someone tells me.

Perhaps my problem is the despite being as cynical as they come- I still believe what someone tells me.

This is one of my favorite qualities about people. It is rare. Too many people believe everything, everywhere, and are annoying in the gullibility.

Some people distrust to the point that it is offensive. Why not just call me a liar?

What you describe is how I hope I live my life. I do believe that most people are genuinely good most of the time. I don't know that there is anyone out there that is good for me, even part time. I am ok with that... most of the time.

Talk it out Eranda. Whatever you decide, if it makes you happy, embrace it.

I know people like this. They never forget, and they never accept. They are always a millimeter away from rage about the situation, and they hang onto the pain like grim death.

I don't think that's the only way you can nurse a narcissistic injury.

Rage is hurt expressed in a different way. IMHO some of us express past hurt (way back to FOO for some of us) by never letting anyone in. This can be done during obsessive dating AND during zero dating.

I think it is very different to the deep contentment with being alone that I mentioned earlier. I don't have that.

Perhaps my problem is the despite being as cynical as they come- I still believe what someone tells me.

You are right there is a whole lot of broken out there. I feel the same way you do but I don't accept that its wholly a 'them' problem. I think a lot of it is a 'me' problem.

By 'me problem' I don't mean I make them broken or that it is my problem to deal with, I mean that if most/all of my relationship experience has been that men are shit is it because most/all men are shit or is it because I'm picking/attracting/attracted to/connecting with shit men?

I would argue the latter.

Broken attracts broken. I was broken well before I met the clown who brought me to SI. Well before I picked him and was picked by him. IMHO our respective brokenness was the force that brought us together. A toxic that was familiar to us both so we felt 'connected'. So connected.

Right now I am choosing to cut myself off from having a relationship because I am not ready, my picker is on the fritz and I honestly do not trust my judgement romantically.

Picking friends, yes - I have had great success with that. The risks aren't so great.

But I am rubbish at picking relationships for a number of reasons. Unresolved FOO issues, unresolved intimacy issues and because I am scared to death of ever being hurt again. TBH I always have been. That is one of the reasons why I picked an emotional void of a husband. I felt safe with him. I told myself it was because he loved me SOOO much and because he made promises to me. Promises of love and protection. All whilst ignoring the blazing yellow and red flags all along the way. I believed him even when I didn't truly believe him, IYKWIM?

The truth is I felt safe because he was an emotional void who would never be a real risk of getting to my soft centre, let alone hurt me. I hate admitting it but it is true.

I've never dated anyone who hasn't been a huge love bomber. Good men don't love bomb. That there is the 'me' problem. Not men.

The tricky part is recognising good/healthy people, the scary and more important part is getting to good/healthy ourselves.

I am a good person but I am not yet healthy. I am healthier. I would absolutely be toxic in the way you describe if I went into a relationship right now.

I am not insisting that this is you or your experience but I totally disagree with you that all/most people are shit.

There are so many good men and women around. So many.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 11:31 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

I get where you're coming from Eranda. I don't think that all people are how you described. I really don't. However, most of the time, you don't get down to the true layers of a person until you are are emotionally invested and have invested time in the relationship. And the fear of getting hurt again and wasting precious time with another selfish ass is a very real fear. At least it is for me. On one hand I feel like I'm really ready to date again. I crave the companionship. I don't like being alone. But on the other hand, I don't think I have it in me to survive what I've been through another time and I'm not sure if I have to courage to take the risk. I'm not sure if I will ever have the ability to trust someone again.

All the time but then once in a while the cynic in me gets a glimpse of healthy relationships and the idea of being alone doesn't look as appealing anymore

Yes. But not for the reasons you described. I just have no desire to be with anyone who is not DD's father. It's just not for me.

Once XH walked out - I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. 99% of the time I am ok with that.