SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you been told this?

I wonder what percentage of wayward spouses have said this, and whether it is simply a way of minimizing the situation and telling us what they think we want to hear.

If it was so awful, why did you want to go back?

Nope, he never said this. It was great, like dogs in heat. They could not get enough of each other. In 3 weeks they were doing things it took years for us to get to. They were having sex nearly every day, some times twice a day, for 3 months.

Then I got him back with ED. That is a whole other story of self esteem crush.

Mine said the "sex wasnt that great"...yet he continue and once a week. And oh gave her oral every other day at WORK.

He was saying that after D-day 1. After D-day 2 he couldn't really get away with saying that anymore. He does insist that it was nothing special, very fast, and kind of "angry." He also insists that he never initiated and if she wasn't an aggressor, it would have never turned physical at all, that it would have been purely an EA. Not sure how much to believe, but it doesn't seem totally off base since WH is very emotionally needy.

FWH said that by the end, he didn't even want to do it anymore and she had to undress him to even get him interested. Poor baby! Does not make me feel better about it--at all.

WS never said it was awful, but he did say it was nothing special or out of the ordinary. Being as WS was only the second man I've ever been with (and it stays that way!), and she slept around FOREVER...I didn't get it. What was the attraction, esp the second time around when you KNEW she slept around (1st time around he didn't know that, thought he was *special*. ha ha).

My situation is a little different because it involves mostly prostitutes, but my WH did say the sex was terrible. Of course, I pointed out that he must have liked something about it since he went back time and time again.

He told me that what he really like was the idea of it. He would think about it, get all worked up and think, "This time will be different, this time will be awesome". It never was, according to him. I believe that. How great is sex with a prostitute going to be? They're not there for any reason other than you paid them to be there.

I don't think the sex was good for my husband with the girl, but I also don't think the affair was about sex for him. And, he got busted the week he first had sex with her so he didn't have time for it to get too good.

My H said it was nothing special! They took off their own clothes, and there was never any touching it was straight into it! She requested to go on top twice, but according to him it was terrible and she didn't seem to know what she was doing

He continued to go back because he wanted her to keep making him feel wanted through all of her texts and phone calls.....poor baby

My H has insisted it was horrible. He has said that other than the feeling that someone wanted him, being with a blow up doll would have been more exciting. He says she never O'd and it never dawned on him to care if she did or not. This part I especially believe because I remember just how selfish he was at that time. He always says it was over very quickly every time and there were times that he just couldn't do it. I also believe this because that was ONE of the reasons I had stopped having sex with him. (at the time of the A he was a self proclaimed "2 pump chump")

He has also said that within a couple months he was tired of her, but he was in such a depression and had messed up so badly with me that he didn't think it mattered anymore. If I hadn't of moved out when I did (this was before I even knew about the A) he probably wouldn't be here today, this has been confirmed in MC. I seemed to be the only one that could either see how depressed he was or was willing to tell him. Of course, my telling him was "nagging" and she was telling him that he was perfect and that I was just a bitch. I have told her that she most likely almost killed him, and yes he was THAT depressed.

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 9:23 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

Yes, fWH has maintained since d-day that sex with OW was horrible.

It was mechanical, missionary, and silent. To him, it felt like masturbation, and "ejaculation without orgasm".

I've probably asked fWH about this 100 times. He always quietly insists that it was awful. I have not caught him in a single lie since d-day (despite reading every affair email and digging for months), so I think he is telling his truth.

I met with his IC, who says the same--that he has completely consistently said the sex was horrible, and despite 50+ hours of counseling, he's never said anything to contradict that.

So why on earth would he continue with OW? Self-destruction, reenactment of childhood abuse, and blackmail.

Self-destruction because he believed he was a worthless POS and was making it true.

Reenactment because his boundaries had been violated his whole childhood, so it felt familiar and acceptable when OW did it.

Blackmail because OW was threatening to tell me, to expose him at work, to hurt herself etc.

I completely understand that most people are not going to buy this. But I do think that a very messed up person will go through the motions of bad sex under certain situations.

It could not have been good for OW either--no open mouth kissing, no foreplay, no attention to her body, and he left her crying ASAP after. Yet she literally blackmailed him to continue.

Thanks for all your replies. I wonder if any wayward souses would like to chime in.

I think it's accepted that wayward spouses often minimize and downplay information. Is this one of those situations where that happens a lot?

Well, I'm a wayward and if it was awful it wouldn't have happened. Then again, I wasn't looking for scintillating conversation or emotional warm fuzzies.

I think that is one of those questions that everyone knows what the "right" answer is. You'd have to be an idiot not to know, "yeah, fucking lost time" would be hard coded in someone's memory forever.

Does it really matter? Was your spouse always the best you ever had? Sex feels good. It's supposed to. Your body alone can dictate that even if the other person is damn near in a comma. In fact, if you don't care about the other person it can be fucking awesome because you make sure it is...for you.

Maybe I have slight aspergers or something. I never understood why this mattered. My ex fucked my closest friend. Never wondered about how good it was. Who cares. Was more focused on her betrayal of our over 25 year friendship. She was literally my first female friend when I started school. Knew my childhood horror more than anyone else and helped me through it.

How she fucked didn't even ping the radar. How she fucked me over did and still does. The rest is mechanics.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 9:57 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

I have 14 years of making love to him and she had 3 encounters at work in the stockroom. She was a young girl who didn't know how to turn my husband on.

He said it was good but he had only ever been with me prior to her. She will always be second place and if she is a bad at sex as she is at finding her own man well too bad so sad.

Why did he go back? Idk.

I never asked. The fact that it went on for 7 years pretty much says it all.

I didn't have to ask either. One of the traits that appealed the AP to my wife was that he was a swinger. It was all about the sex. I saw their conversations, pictures, and know that she orgasmed every time with him, had multiples with him, and craved him and missed him when he wasn't around.

Does it really matter? Was your spouse always the best you ever had?

Hard to answer that question - it does matter, because I haven't had sex with anyone else in so long there isn't a reliable yardstick to measure with. It sucks that she can compare, and it sucks that she was really into him sexually.

[This message edited by Tred at 10:19 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

Naw, I was told it was "different". Not better than us, not worse than us. I do know the code word for "different" because when I was single I had a lot of "different" and it was pretty damn good.

Yeah, poor MisterSister had to "force" himself to fuck the OW a few times when he wanted to end it but was afraid that OW would go nuts and out the affair. He was right about OW going nuts. (It was already nuts, he just didn't realize it until towards the end.)

I guess for me, the root of the question is more about a pattern of minimizing details. My wife has been completely honest about most things (I think), but she also first denied almost everything, o

I guess for me, the root of the question is more about a pattern of minimizing details

Which details? What focus? It ain't the details at all, it seems. Most BS's when they ask this question seem to be "overalling" all over the place. It isn't how they touched, tasted, felt, moved. It's were they better? Where they (as a whole) different? More special? They as a person and not a sum of parts, (which often they are). You, the BS are a whole. You're not sold separately. You come with anger, disappointment, personal shame, failings, self knowledge of limitations, obligations, stress, hurt, happiness, history. They don't.

Something can be good completely seperate from the method of application or who applies it. In fact, it can be the very uncolored, uncomplicated, lack of foundation neutrality that can make it satisfying at that moment.

Escapes aren't nuanced and layered, for the most part. That's what "you're" getting away from, after all.

You jump off a cliff there's one thought. Hope the chute opens. After that leap that thought vanishes as it really won't matter at that point and you just feel...exist in that moment. No anchors to other thoughts feelings. Nothing exists but you and how you feel. Freedom.

I'm certainly not speaking for waywards. Just for me. And for me there was that added rage fueled "fuck you" all over that shit show too.

Now, if you do go cliff diving and your loved one crashes and burns because you didn't pack their chute right think you're going to be having fond memories of that whole experience regardless of how good it was at the time? Kinda doubt it.

I was not told this, in fact at first I was told how awesome and amazing it was. These days I am told it's different, too. I honestly gave up trying to process it at all and have moved on to resignation and just assume it was a mind blowing experience that will be unparalleled in the history of awesome sex. I don't think it'd help much if I was told otherwise; since she is my only partner, I have no real world perspective on the matter anyway. It could be utterly irrelevant in every way but it is just one of those pandoras boxes of self doubt that even if she had convinced me it was terrible it would feel the same because of my own shit in my own head; and I think she probably would have continued anyway as she also got off on feeling superior to the OM.