My Pastor talked about fear recently. A couple things that made me think.
"Fear keeps us alive." We use it to run from a tiger, drive within our limits, etc. So fear, like all other emotions, is not good or bad...it is our actions in response to them that assigns that value to them.
"Fear is payments on a debt you have not incurred yet...and a debt you may NEVER incur.". I like this analogy as I understand budgets, delayed gratification, and debt.
Right before my wifes A I was wrestling with anxiety...which is a fancy word for fear. I was in counseling for it during the time my wifes A went from EA to PA. I wish I had been given this example early on.
You see my fear was causing me to spend valuable attention and energy (payments) on future "what ifs" (debts).
I was bankrupting my marriage and my life over things that may never happen. I see that NOW....I did NOT see it then. I would have sworn I was providing for my family and preparing for our future...determined to be a "family tree changer". Both of our parents divorced...both of us have FOO from our families. I really thought we were going to model a healthy relationship for our girls. Not perfect, but healthy.
During counseling it has been uncovered that I have a fear of abandonment (FOO issues). I believe I did what I did in an insane attempt to control my environment...thinking if I prepare for everything, nothing will surprise me (my reaction to my parents D as it happened quickly and without eplanation or warning).
So I was foolish in making payments on debts that were not mine to pay on.
"Fear robs us of our dreams." It certainly does. I thought I was protecting my dreams of a family that was united, supportive, and healthy. Without realizing it, my fear jeopardized this goal of mine. I am not taking credit for my wifes A...what I am doing is realizing how my actions pre-A were not doing what I thought they were doing.
I sense fear in both myself and my wife. I want to find a way to use that fear to make good decisions (make payments on debts I currently have). Above, I have spoken to the fear in me that drove me to make bad decisions. I very much don't want to repeat that cycle. I am working through my abandonment issues....proving to be tough for me.
I so don't want the marriage I had pre-A...to do that I have to continue to grow. I have very little fear associated with changing myself...my fear within is that I fail to recognize each part that needs addressed as such.
Kicker is...when fear comes in...I want to go back to my old ways...less each day, but that still is the learned response I have used for decades. I know it doesnt work.
I realize I am relatively new into this journey of seeing my role in an unhealthy marriage...really about 4 months total (most of this year was damage control after DD, and I still wrestle with it daily, but I am spending serious energy on this journey now)... my thirst for it seems almost unquenchable. How niave, innocent, ignorant I operated in parts of my life.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]