Over 6 years out... yesterday and forever ago... and I still trigger...
They tell you the triggers die eventually, but it’s only a half truth.
Now, to give you the background of my story, it’s quite textbook. My exwife ran away after some other guy... and... well... then some other, other guy. Anyway, we divorced, I moved forward, and I married the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Oh sure, there was all sorts of crazy surrounding the breakdown, but that’s all just flavour text at this point. It’s like reading some cheesy romance novel... the underlying structure is the same as any other, just drop in a pirate or a cowboy, vampire, fish-squirrel, or whatever the heck is in this year.
Okay... reading that last paragraph I feel compelled to keep my man card and state that I have, in fact, never actually read one of those works, but I do nonetheless feel fairly confident in my prejudiced assertation of that literary niche.
Anyway, back on topic, it was a just the other day that I triggered. With my new job I travel around quite a bit providing engineering support. Okay... it’s been a little over 3 years with this position, so I guess it’s not really "new". But it’s not my old job. I could say "current", but that implies that I’ll be leaving shortly and I don’t have any plans for that. Job #2 doesn’t work either as I’m only working the one, so maybe we should go with my current job which I intend to stick with for a while which is probably news to you if you haven’t been paying attention for the last 3 years.
Alright... now that we have that important distinction clarified... With my current job which I intend to stick with for a while which is probably news to you if you haven’t been paying attention for the last 3 years, I travel around quite a bit providing engineering support. With the travel, that means I’m often eating on the road... well, not literally “on the road”, but I’m sure you all get what I mean. So, the other day I had an early morning pour a few hours away, and in the afternoon I stopped for lunch on the way back to my office/lab. It’s not one of those fancy office/lab buildings like they have at NIST... this one’s more like a garage that I put a desk, library, and lab equipment in, behind a real office.
Anyway, back to the point... you see I stopped off at this Indian restaurant in my hometown and that is where I triggered. Well... not hometown as I didn't grow up here, but the town I have my home in. Umm... city actually. And don’t worry – it’s not a case of bad butter chicken for those of you jumping to the worst! There was a good reason for this trigger.
To explain... the very first weekend separated my son and I went to this very restaurant for lunch. He was not even 3 years old then. I can still remember the owner welcoming us in... JRJR thrilled with his mango lhassi... how much he liked the food. This was something new for me and JRJR. His mother wasn’t very adventurous with food, so I wanted to strike out and do something new and expose our son to it. He loved it... in fact it quickly became his very favourite restaurant. Since that first time, we have made it a tradition to go there every few months for lunch. It’s our thing.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I trigger.
It is because I cannot go in there without remembering where this tradition came from. It was an act of bonding with my son, of finding something no matter how simple it is to enjoy together. It was an act of building our lives together. And that trigger sure as hell makes me smile.
Everywhere around my world these triggers exist. I see a cow, a kiwi, or a chopper and I chuckle. I see a rabbit and I think “right on brother”. I can’t see a picture of Oz or Darth Vader without wondering how they’re doing and why I haven’t been invited over to try out the pool. I still enjoy my red onions. I discovered I like chess. I hear Knights of Cydonia and I know that something awesome is going to happen. I still check for ogres under the bridge at ogre park. I’m enjoying our weekly adventure with the mad man in a blue box. I look forward to our trips to the Falls and our hikes, and my father’s day photo albums. I enjoy when we do the runs together. All traditions built with my wife and son that I cherish. I don’t expect that many of these will have particular importance to any of you, but that’s fine because they are mine.
And all those bad triggers I used to have? Nothing more than just another scalp added to the pile. Nothing more than a reminder that the worst out there cannot beat the best in me. Nothing more than a testament to the fact the when the need arises, so can I.
I don’t always trigger. And these triggers don’t always elicit an intense emotional reaction. These things are a part of my life, so they’re not always seen. But they are there. Everywhere around me... there’s these messages... like clues hidden in plain sight... reminders, from another me, that ultimately I am the author of my story... reminders to treasure what is truly important.
So yeah... I don’t always trigger. But when I do... it’s fucking amazing.
A long time ago, I used to think that triggers were something to be feared. But really... life isn’t about what’s been lost. It’s not about being too afraid to live it. It’s about what you have to give... to yourself and to those you love. And nobody, and no thing can take that away from you. Triggers are yours. You are not theirs. Make them mean something. Yes... some triggers can be painful, but don’t let that keep you from embracing your life and your world with arms wide open. When triggers hurt it is because we are human. And that’s a good thing. Because being human means continually striving to be better. And you can certainly do that.
And... for whatever it’s worth... I think fish-squirrels are now on that list.