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So full disclosure d-day for me was Dec 9th.... Christmas is just about a week away. We have two kids 13 and 9 who have no idea what mommy has done. They know that stuff is happening but certainly not the truth.

So what the hell do I do about gifts??? I have always bought a nice surprise for my wife at X-mas especially in the last 5 plus years. The kids have seen that and to be honest I loved surprising her to see the look on her face.

What do I do now? How needy will it seem this year to do something like that.....but how do I keep it "normal" for the kids and the rest of the family who know nothing?

I sure could use the help here?

I'm reading your post and thinking how f...ing cruel and unfair right before Christmas.

Any way you can buy your wife a Christmas one way ticket to Timbuktu?

Sorry, just sickened from hearing so much pain when the holidays are supposed to be such a blessed event.

Maybe you can start a new tradtion of just buying gifts for the kids and making a donation to a worthy charity in each other's names for Christmas.

I seriuosly don't think I could buy STBXH anything for Christmas except a grenade.

(((hugs, strength, and peace)))

StillLivin has a great idea. Why not make a donation to a charity in her name? Buy a duck for a family in an impoverished country. You can give her a gift, without actually giving her anything. You can do some good with the money you would have spent. Win. Win.

I love the charity idea others have - so, so many ways to make a huge difference.

Other than that, the kids will be going through turmoil anyways. Don't sweat having to go through the motions so things can be normal. Things aren't normal and that's not your responsibility.

Can you bring yourself to get something generic? I know what mean about the kids being excited to see what you got her.

Maybe like something for the whole family? Or a kitchen gift? Nothing too personal. If you get something decent and wrapped nice, she is going to have to act "happy" and "surprised". I think it makes you out to be a very decent and caring H and father. You don't have to do it out of love for her, do it for yourself and the kids.

Just a thought. As I tell you this I am struggling with what to give my WH. I am doing something though because I don't want it to seem awkward to the kids, even though mine are much older and know somewhat of what is going on.

One more thought, what about taking the kids to help you pick out some stuff? Take them to the dollar store and let them get a whole bunch of crap and wrap it up, there you go. They will have so much fun and she will be stuck with a bunch of crap!

Perfect.

I was in a similar situation last year. I helped each of my kids get their gifts for WH, and that was it, nothing personal specifically from me. My heart just wasn't in it.

I'm struggling with gift giving this Christmas too. WH and I used to never exchange gifts for holidays then he started buying me gifts each holiday. The affair was the impetus for that - he felt guilty buying her a gift and not me.

This year I don't want anything from him and he's been getting packages delivered everyday with gifts for me. I have no desire to receive anything from him and have yet to get him anything in return. I bought him a VERY nice gift (read: Expensive) for our anniversary and I got nothing. (We were in false R, and he was actively trying to win OW back at the time.) I have no desire to ever exchange gifts with him again.

So in a similar vein I feel your pain. I will purchase WH a gift. I just don't know what or when. Sometime in the next week I guess.

Hi guys, I have just posted

How the bleeeep do I bring Christmas here?!" in the R forum. My D-Day last year was Dec. 6th. Also his bday.

Firstly, you must take care of yourself. But if you have decided to stay in the house (or not ask her to leave) then you have already made a decision to be "present" (really no pun intended) bc of that choice.

I do like the charity idea or the family gift as well as taking the kids out with you. I had our boys pick out my H's fav things like his fav candy bar and potato chips.

But there is nothing wrong with saying, "Well, I just wanted to change things up this year everyone. Hope you enjoy!"

Hugs to you. It's incredibly difficult to manage.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:35 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Just don't do that for her. If the kids want to make something for mommy and take over for you in doing the surprise then maybe that will head them off from too many uncomfortable questions. Just a thought.

I have discussed this with my wife as we are talking a lot to try to rebuild things.

One of the things we discussed was taking a trip just the two of us to be together and that way we would have the time to ourselves to talk, laugh, cry and those sort's of things that will help us recover. like a couples retreat without the other couples!

My daughter and I went shopping the other day for her so we did that. My daughter wanted to buy her own gift this year so she did. We did grab a few other things that the kids can give as well which is a little different. IT was actually fun to shop with my daughter as she was really happy to do that for her mom and spend time with me.

What do you think about the idea of the trip?

DDpain I know it's tough. We were in the same situation on the first Xmas after DDay. I took the kids to buy him presents, again not expensive stuff.

I got him a minimal gift that year, and honestly the kids didn't say much, of course he had lost his job, and we had buckled down on the finances obviously.

Now we tend to get something we need, for the family each year. This year we got a new couch. Lasts year a new hose for the central vac, nothing horribly romantic for sure, but stuff we needed.

Hi again DDP,

Our first getaway was one night in the city approx 7 weeks from D-day. It was difficult as most of their liasons took place in a hotel room so lots of trigger time but I did my very best and did not regret doing it.

If your wife is behaving with remorse. If she is willing to talk to you openly and honestly and w/o getting defensive and if she is willing to go to ÍC to talk about the A, then I would encourage a trip at some point in the new year. Plan it and book it together. Would be nice to meet for lunch once/week for a month to plan it.

Trips are great connectors but at this point in time - and I say this gently - they are not "real life" and that was where I needed to live last year at this time. In the house of real life.

Glad you had fun with your daughter.

H and I no longer buy gifts for each other. The kids never question it. We just say, we are too old. AND we meet our needs as they come up. Christmas morning, I pass out gifts. I am uncomfortable, having nothing to do. I am happy I have found the passing out of the gifts, it takes the focus off. Its painful all around. And then I start feeling very happy. Giddy in fact. The holidays are over!!!!!

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:32 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]