SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You all were so right. Every word. He only wants me when I am helpful and happy and never being up the affair that I found out about 3 months ago.

He made glorious promises to be patient, kind and truthful. I believed him and we had a great weekend together. He was thoughtful, caring, fun, loving to our baby girl.

I found out more info about the affair that contradicted what he said in the past. He sent the following in response to my inquiry:

"I know I made a mistake, it doesn't help when u saying in different ways to hurt me and u need to stop saying "i can ask whatever and whenever i want" it's annoying...I can't believe u doing this again? I don't know why u keep attacking me with questions?! u free to do whatever u wish!" Do you think I am scared if you leave? You are free to do whatever you want. I don't want to be part of this anymore. You are not getting any better even with therapy. You are still just angry and let your imagination run wild."

Just now he sent me a text after I tried explaining for the hundredth time why I ask so many questions:

This is what he sent me just now-

" Happy new year to u and your family!!! I wish u all well, health and happiness. The most important to me that my daughter was born this year and I'm happy about it. What happens about the rest like our marriage, is nothing really important or matters right now for me! I don't want anything to do with you from now on. Good bye!!!! Turning off my phone."

I've never felt so rejected in my life. This comes after several instances where he does really sweet things and has moments where he truly seems to understand and want to do the things I need to heal. Then he slips and get angry. Then he bounces back. This time I know he is serious about ending things with me. He wanted all to be settled by New Years. If it wasn't settled, he was going to settle it for me and he did.

I cannot sleep. My crying keeps waking up my daughter. Please show me which was is up. I've got no one else.

I should have taken every ones advice and not spent any time with him. I didn't and this is what I get. I can own that I put myself in this situation despite wiser people telling me to do something else. Only, I believed him when he said he would change.

Now I'm home alone with my daughter and I cannot cope.

I am so sorry. He is being a heartless bastard and he is not worthy of your heart. Is there anyone who can come stay with you tonight? Family or friends? Fuck that jerk. I am so sorry.

You've got your daughter. The best part of him is with you now.

Just keep reminding yourself that he is the loser. He is the weak one. He just is.

It doesn't make it any less painful now, I know.

I don't want to bother my friends and family bc it's very late here and most are probably returning from NY celebrations.

His words and demeanor and resolve make me see him as the strong one, and I the weak one. But I do get what you are saying.

Thank you both.

He's not being strong, he is being heartless. He is stuffing his emotions in a little box and locking it away so he doesn't have to face them. It is the epitome of weakness. He is running away. You are attempting to be honest and authentic and work through your pain. That shit is TERRIFYING. So much easier to deny reality and never face real issues.

He is the weak one.

((Hugs))

It doesn't take strength to be cruel to your wife and mother of your child. It takes an inhuman coldness bordering on evil imho. If he never said or did another bad thing in his life I would still view him as a scumbag just knowing he was capable of acting that way.

I sent you a PM

I should have taken every ones advice and not spent any time with him. I didn't and this is what I get. I can own that I put myself in this situation despite wiser people telling me to do something else. Only, I believed him when he said he would change.

You didn't deserve what he did to you in cheating. You do not deserve what he is doing now. It doesn't matter if you didn't follow the advice of others. You believed his promises and followed your heart. Your situation is your own and there are no easy answers or methods to getting through this. He is who he is and nothing you do/did can change that.

Your WS is acting very selfishly to his wife and the mother of his baby. You are not responsible for what he does. If he were a decent man, he would be focused on helping you feel loved and secure again. He wouldn't be defensive and blaming you for your pain. You can only focus on what is best for you and your child now.

Also, He didn't make a "mistake", he made a conscious decision to destroy your trust in him and blow up his relationship for his own temporary selfish wants. Now he wants to walk away with no responsibility. Its not right but he can do that. If he choses to, he is showing you how little of a man he is. I am sorry. You deserve better.

I feel like my daughter and I are discarded, unimportant, irrelevant. In his mind, we are not worth the trouble. I cannot handle him thinking that this is all my fault because I did not move on fast enough. I hate that he placed a deadline on me. How does one person who says they love someone treat them like this?

Can someone help me understand how you can go from crying (him) on my sofa telling me how he can't believe he hurt me so badly and promising me the sun and the moon to discarding me the very next day?

Perhaps not now, but will he one day see what he has thrown away? Will reality ever catch up to him?

It is really easy to explain that - he's been giving you the reaction that you're looking for to temporarily appease you and get you 'off his back' but he's NOT really willing to do the actual real work that it takes. When the chips are down, he's showing you where his skewed reality really is.

Now, does that reflect on you one itsy bit? Hell no. He's counting on it tearing you apart and he's staying in victim land, where he gets to feel sorry for himself. You can't nice him out of victim land, it's just going to make him feel more justified as a victim. Barf. Just look at this text:

" Happy new year to u and your family!!! I wish u all well, health and happiness. The most important to me that my daughter was born this year and I'm happy about it. What happens about the rest like our marriage, is nothing really important or matters right now for me! I don't want anything to do with you from now on. Good bye!!!! Turning off my phone."

1. BS

2. Yep, great, do you want an award for putting your daughter's birth as the number 1 happy thing for you this year?? Seriously dude. Also, fu for that passive aggressive dig.

3. That is true. Because the marriage is about you both when what he wants to really focus on is him.

4. Yeaaah, right. Give him a day or two and he'll be trying the bawl routine again likely.

I have a WH who is remorseful. He doesn't get frustrated when I ask more questions or express sadness.

You have every right to grieve and be sad and take things in your own time, but don't let him make a victim out of you any more. This isn't your yoke of blame to carry.

It's like this, and this takes time and practice, but you can use it in all facets of life: We view life as a tug of war with us facing our troubles as a monster on the other side of the rope. Some days we pull harder and gain ground and some days we can't pull as hard and the monster gains ground. We all believe that our job is to pull harder, to gain more ground. The thing is that isn't our job. Our job is to drop the damn rope.

What a dick. A cruel dick. No excuse for that.

My guts says he picked a fight so he could spend NYE with OW. You say he vacillates between being understanding and acting like this?

I would bet money there's contact every time he picks a fight like this.

I hope you got some sleep and are ready to wake up to a new perspective. You weren't dumped, he lost you through his stupidity. He's not strong, he's weak because he cheated and can't do the work to repair what he broke. Love isn't always sweetness, sometimes it's turning away and not allowing someone to continue to harm you.

Lift up your chin, hug your DD and start with the 180. You'll slip. He'll try to Hoover you back in. But each time you'll be a little stronger and he can either catch up to you or be left behind.

That was cruel. Not to make excuses for him, but could it have been alcohol talking?

Maybe, hopefully, things will turn around. Until then, (((hugs)) to you and your baby girl. This is such a hard road, and we all need encouragement.

@Holley-Isis

I got the exact same thought...he is probably picking a fight to 'justify' being with OW.

@statistic

you and your baby deserve better than what he is providing. It takes 2-5 years to deal with the trauma of an affair...no-one can put a timeline on your healing journey. Sounds like a toxic relationship. Ask yourself: do you want your little one growing up thinking that the way daddy treats mommy is normal?

This journey isn't easy. We are here to listen. We understand.

(((statistic))) So sorry. It's going to be tough, but you really need to make you and your child the number one priority. That means taking care of yourself by eating properly and getting as much rest as you can.

That was cruel. Not to make excuses for him, but could it have been alcohol talking?

I wondered that as well. Some people can become pretty mean when they are drunk. That could explain the crazy mood swings.

Also remember, sometimes a WS will demonize their spouse in order to justify their actions; so in your WH's mind, you are the bad guy here. Please do not take anything your WH says personally. It sounds like your WH is very angry and wants to hurt you as much as possible.

I know I made a mistake, it doesn't help when u saying in different ways to hurt me and u need to stop saying "i can ask whatever and whenever i want" it's annoying...I can't believe u doing this again? I don't know why u keep attacking me with questions?! u free to do whatever u wish!" Do you think I am scared if you leave? You are free to do whatever you want. I don't want to be part of this anymore. You are not getting any better even with therapy. You are still just angry and let your imagination run wild."

Your WS is not sorry, remorseful or repentant. He just wants it to all go away and him not have to deal with is actions. He want you to instantly forget about it. He left you a long time ago, he just forgot to tell you. I would bet his “mind” is still with the OW. I am so sorry.

u saying in different ways to hurt me

Seriously, "hurt me"?? Wow, what a total a$$.

Yeah, Stat you are hurting him with your questions

He just does not care how bad he hurt you to the millionth degree.

the rest like our marriage, is nothing really important or matters right now for me! I don't want anything to do with you from now on.

Stat.

By all means - give him his request. Get him the hell out of your life right now, you need to focus on yourself and baby. I would say he is still involved with OW.

You need to do a hard 180. Get a lawyer. Talk to your family, tell them, you are going to need their support. He needs to leave, he just keeps hurting you. You will need to dig deep inside to find the strength to say: No, not any more, I will not be second best and disrespected, and abused (it is emotional abuse). Then walk away from this man. You need to be strong.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:16 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Thank you for sharing your support and time.

Perhaps alcohol was a factor. It would make me feel better if he also didn't say things like this when he was sober.

We was with his parents last night at our home celebrating NY according to neighbor who used our yard to pop fireworks. The neighbor called to ask why I wast there with our DD. He and his parents were drinking outside the house watching fireworks until 2 when everyone went inside. I had the same thought about him seeing OW, but he stayed home according to GPS.

I will find the strength. I do not want to waste the energy and attention I should spend on our DD on this very toxic relationship. For some reason, I just cannot stand him thinking that this is my fault. It is important to me for him to realize that he is self-destructing and not living up to his promises. I expend a lot of time and energy trying to explain how he is hurting us. He gets it for a minute, then loses it as if the conversation never occurred.

I need a reality check that I have no control over this. I cannot make him want me or our marriage. If I could, I would of done so already. It's a harsh realization to know that he wants nothing to do with me. I wish I had a suit of armor so his words and actions do not sting so strongly and deeply. I'm not sure how to keep his actions and inactions from affecting me. I can't exactly turn off my emotions. How do I keep these things from hurting me so much? Do I pretend they don't exist? Do I swallow it and distract myself? I'm not sure.

I don't get angry. My father always told me since I was very young that he doesn't understand how I do not get angry when the situation warrants it. It's just not in me.

The reason I've put up with so much is that it has not gone in a linear fashion. It's a cycle where he woos me back and I start to dream about the potential future we have together, then I get upset, and it all falls apart. It's hard for me to reconcile his words of undying love and devotion with this. But an earlier post she's light on this for me.

I am sure I will never hear from him again unless he wants to visit DD so there is no risk of me being caught up in this circle again.

I know what you mean. I wanted so badly for my husband to just SEE. To just GET what he was doing. All my crying, explaining, yelling . . . None of that helped. I finally just let go and accepted that I couldn't continue on with the person he'd become. THAT is what woke him up - my giving up. Not to say that letting go will make yours wake up - but it will help YOU stay sane.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

This is the 180 - this can help you detach from him & get some perspective. ((Hugs))

For some reason, I just cannot stand him thinking that this is my fault. It is important to me for him to realize that he is self-destructing and not living up to his promises. I expend a lot of time and energy trying to explain how he is hurting us.

Ok. Gently. Making it YOUR fault is on page one in the Cheaters handbook. They (9 out of 10) will put the blame for their actions on the victim, you the BS -for lots of reasons, mostly they want to justify what they have done. Don’t forget, YOU are the victim of infidelity, not him. He is the perpetrator of a crime. Don't let him turn it around on you.

How do I keep these things from hurting me so much? Do I pretend they don't exist? Do I swallow it and distract myself? I'm not sure.

You need to go no contact with him as much as possible. Only child and finances should be discussed.

No contract = no new hurts. No contact is for your well-being.

He may come around to understand what he has done or he may never. Either way you are on your way to healing.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:10 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Just because he wasn't with OW doesn't mean he wasn't in contact with her.

It's hard for me to reconcile his words of undying love and devotion with this.

Because his actions are at odds with his words. It's the actions you need to believe.

I am sure I will never hear from him again unless he wants to visit DD so there is no risk of me being caught up in this circle again.

You can't be sure of that. He has you in an emotionally abusive cycle. People like that don't just give up control. They feed off of being wanted. So you need to prepare yourself. Read the 180. Plan for what you will do when he begins to try to pull you back into that cycle. Stop communicating except through texts and emails This gives you a record of contact and time to consider your reply and take all emotional discussion out of it.

Then only about finances and your DD. Get a lawyer and custody settled as soon as possible, as well as who gets use of the primary residence. I've seen so many times on this board when the WS leaves and then comes back to intimidate the BS by staying in the house while continuing to be remorseless. Or, worst case, taking the children and using the lack of custody order to keep them.

Finally, decide what you need to R as a bare minimum. Concrete actions you can see. Write the list down. Then, if you feel yourself being sucked in, you can check the list. Know that the minimum you accept is usually the maximum you'll get.