SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(Separation day +6. We have a small farm with 30 animals, and the agreement is that she will come over to take care of them when I go into the office; on telework days, I'll take care of them. We had agreed to see each other for dinner once a week. I decided last night that I didn't want to do that yet, but hadn't gotten a chance to cancel)

Her 8:20: Good morning.

Her: You seem very angry with me.

Me 9:19: Not angry, although I have every right to be. Just trying to figure out what I want, and giving you the space that you asked for.

Her: What happened?

Me: I think it's safe to say that I am working through the stages of grief over the loss of what we had.

Her 11:23: When should I come over? Are you teleworking? we should probably cancel our date I'll just cry.

Me: No need to come over today, I'm home and can take care of everything. Yeah, I agree we should cancel for tonight. Let's just plan to see each other on Saturday.

Her 2:44: Can I come see you and the guys?

Her 2:50: I miss you.

Her: I wanna come home

Her 3:24: Ok I understand.

Her: I'll write you a letter tonight and see you Saturday. I am so sorry.

Her: I love you so much!

Her 5:04: Am I never allowed to come home again?

Her: I don't know how to repent.

Her: You won't even speak to me?

Me 5:15 PM: I'm taking care of myself today. I can't help you figure out how to repent, you need to figure that out and then do it.

Her 5:19: Ok. I'll move out. I'm sorry. No point in couples counseling if it's all my fault.

Her 5:32: Guess I've lost everything.

Me: I will not let your threat to move out make me feel guilty. It was your decision to sleep with other people. No matter what issues we have - and I do take responsibility for my part of our issues - you made the choice time and again to forsake me and all that we have built. I believe I am willing to work toward reconciliation, and I want to believe that you do too, but I will not pretend that what you've done didn't crush me to the depths of my heart and soul. So if I am distant, it's because I have to find a way to regain my sense of self and learn to trust you again. It's not going to happen overnight.

Her 5:41: I'm human and make bad decisions. I was hurt and angry, felt rejected and unloved. I am also crushed. I left in an effort to not hurt you anymore, or stay and feel rejected and sad. Or trapped. I care about you and I want you to be happy. I feel unworthy of your love and trust. Punished, exiled. Stripped of my home and dignity. My animals, my family, my home. I have nothing.

Me: Do you want to stay married?

Her: Yes!

Her: I did not cheat to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. But I was sad and very lonely.

Me: I hear you, and I truly Apologize for my part in your feeling sad and lonely. But that in no way justifies what you did.

Me: If you want to show me that you are committed to making this work, then I need you to demonstrate that. No more contact with Matt, DJ, David, or anyone else that you have had a physical or emotional affair with. I dont say this to punish you or to control you. But if we're going to move forward, it has to be this way. I will not ever again be the doormat that you return home to. I need to know that I am the priority in your heart, as you have always been in mine.

I bumped up the 180 for you.

No advice here just hugs your way.

It seems to me she sure is blame shifting an awful lot, and I sure counted a lot of "I"'s.

Reread it and see how it is all about her, and what has happened to her.

I think you're doing a very good job of articulating your feelings. Sending you strength.

Looks reasonable to me.

Update...

Her 6:55: I cannot and will not agree to your demands. I've placed none on you. I have almost no support, I've been uprooted from my home and my animals and in a sense, my identity. This isn't just about you forgiving me. We need to work as a team or we won't work. I would like to bring the dogs here. And maybe paws. I've lost everything and I need them and I don't want them home alone during the day.

Me 8:40: Wow. That might be the most selfish thing I've ever heard you say. I thought we were a team, and then I found out that we really haven't been one for a long time. You haven't "been uprooted" and you haven't "lost everything" - you made the choice to stray, and you made the choice to leave. For the record, I am the wronged party here. I've lost my wife, my best friend, the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world, and I've lost myself.

I did not make a demand. I told you something that would help me believe you are invested in a future relationship with me. But even if you see it as a demand, don't you think I'm entitled to make one right now? Imagine you were me. Imagine you learned that the VERY FIRST thing I did after separating from you was to bring over the person I just cheated on you with to the place where I'm staying. Can you really not see how your continued relationships with these people leaves a huge wedge between us? I want you to have friends and support, but how can you consider this to be supportive when they're part of the reason why we're separated?

I need to stop talking for a while. You can pick up the dogs and Paws tomorrow while I'm at work. I'll see you for therapy on Saturday.

[This message edited by barelygettingby at 7:46 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Stop answering her texts.

Finances and animals only.

She doesn't deserve the gift of R yet. She has a lot of soul searching to do.

detach, work on you, work through this mess.

Let her figure her shit out.

Date nights, not a part of the 180.

Every step you take in the 180 will make you stronger, let her see what life is really like without you. Let her start to look into her issues.

(((hugs)))

ok we cross posted

my new response

Her 6:55: I cannot and will not agree to your demands. I've placed none on you. I have almost no support, I've been uprooted from my home and my animals and in a sense, my identity. This isn't just about you forgiving me. We need to work as a team or we won't work. I would like to bring the dogs here. And maybe paws. I've lost everything and I need them and I don't want them home alone during the day.

fuck her

do not answer any more of these self-serving bullshit texts.

She has one hell of a nerve.

And therapy/mc is to heal a marriage. She needs to heal herself. I would not be attending MC with her...until she gets her head on straight.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:52 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

fuck her

Haha - thank you for that!!!

new update:

Her 9:15: I understand you are angry, but I never thought you'd be so mean. Less than a week ago you said you would help me financially if we decided to split, and said you thought it was all your fault. Now you won't let me come over to my own house? You blame me for everything. How do you know the "First thing" I did? You are entitled to make demands and I'm not? We agreed on this separation, I did not leave you! Nor have I caused you to lose yourself.

I take full responsibility for my behavior, and I am truly sorry for hurting you. I want to work on our marriage, together.

And it's my house too. I'm trying to respect your space by asking to come over.

The first thing I did was cry, and I have not stopped since.

I will not be writing back to this...

When she first told me (dday #1&2 happened at the same time) I said I thought it was all my fault because (1) that's the kind of person I am, and (2) we have had issues for a long time related to my low (non-existent) libido. However, I have since realized that while our issues are in part my fault, her cheating is NOT my fault.

She left on Friday. We saw each other on Sunday (to take care of the animals) and she told me how she spent Saturday with the OP.

Why do I feel such a need to defend myself? Ugh. I need to go curl up with a good book. Thanks for your support!

Please don't respond.

Her self-righteous attitude is amazing.

Stay strong. If you can't read a book come here and read.

You didn't make demands. You gave her choices. She can choose to continue contact with het APs or she can choose to go NC and hope you give her the gift of R. The choice is hers.

Please listen to Karma. At this point any communication by you is used by her to manipulate the situation. Don't ask me how I know this :) Be strong and lean on our friends here for support.

No advice from me. Hugs for you bro. Im so so sorry. My STBXW still guilts me. It hurts so bad. Im so sorry she had multiple OM's. Im not big on R because of my WWF. Moreover multiple partners are unforgivable. However, I wish you luck.

How many partners did she have? How did u find out?

Wait, you're being unreasonable while she spends a Saturday with another guy?! Did I read that right??

I am so very sad today. Hurt, depressed, exhausted, bewildered, despondent. Yep, all those things.

Here's what I know:

OM1 - happened in 2005, several months long EA/PA, she told me 11/8/13

OW - happened in October 2013, one night drunken sex with long-time friend, she told me 11/8/13

OM2 - happened in January 2014, her first boyfriend who came back into her life recently, slept together twice that I know of, she told me 1/17/14

WS has suffered from anxiety and depression for all her life. She also has abandonment issues. I have had basically no sex drive since my hysterectomy in 2005. Serious issues, but I didn't know how serious! We started MC in November 2013, she told me about OM1 and OW the night before our first session. I probably could get past OM1 and OW (although she is still talking to OW), but to know that she slept with OM2 AFTER we started MC is just too much for me to deal with right now.

This sucks.

What you are doing does not resemble a 180 in the least.

If you like what you are going through, by all means continue.

If you don't, then implement and sustain a 180.

WS has suffered from anxiety and depression for all her life. She also has abandonment issues.

We all have issues, pains, childhood hurts.

It does not give one the right to shit all over people who love you.

She needs to get help, IC and start owning her issues.

Until she does she won't begin to fix anything.

I am sorry you are hurting, it's a long, difficult, sometimes very lonely road.

Keep posting and talking, get some IC for you.

Wow what a self righteous manipulative narcissistic bitch.

Sorry that was a bit harsh, but seriously.

Perhaps you would have had a libido if she would have shown you some respect, and treated you with love and value.

Sorry but I honestly see her only continuing to cause you pain with her justifications. This is abuse, and you should not tolerate it.

180 180 180 180

double post

[This message edited by tushnurse at 10:30 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]