To make a very long story short and save you the time of reading my story, the STBXW and I lost our only child (stillborn) and a few months later, we learned we had pretty much lost the chance of having children naturally at all. She was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POV).
Now, the worries. Her condition means that in some ways, she's closer to 60 than to her real age of 31. She needs to take calcium supplements and hormone replacement (essentially birth control pills)to offset the effects of basically going through menopause early. Before our split, there were many times she'd just forget to take her meds, so who knows what she's doing now. She was also told that by all means, do not smoke. She still smoked off and on when we were together, so now that she's "on her own," I'd bet she has no one telling her not to do it now.
Couple this with the most troubling aspect - denial and her need to "escape." I am all but certain these 2 losses related to childbearing and her seeming refusal to confront it is what has landed us on the path to divorce. It is understandable that what happened to her is incredibly hard to deal with. As much as it hurt me, it has to be multiplied several times over for her. This has changed her whether she wanted it to or not, and I mean real, physical and hormonal changes which only magnify the grief. Like I said though, she seems to just want to escape it by leaving any and all reminders of that life behind, and that cannot be good for her.
After we got the news, we went to counseling briefly. All she wanted to talk about then is what to do next (adopt, etc.). She never would address the situation head-on, just what to do next (if that makes any sense). Questions about how she felt about the POV were just kinda dodged, or the answer was "I'm taking my meds." It was almost like admitting her condition made it real when it already was very real. Early into counseling, she basically decided she didn't need it anymore and it was a waste of time.
In one of our few post D-Day conversations when we did briefly discuss R, she said something very telling that sent chills through me, and still does. I brought up that any chance for R would mean not only MC, but IC for both of us. Her question - "I really don't know what I'd have to talk about with a counselor." Really?? You can't think of anything?? "Just tell your story and let them do what they do" was my response. Her reply - "eh." She talked to her friends and family who I'm sure told her what she wanted to hear in validating her decisions, and that was that. She refuses to face down her demons, period. She chooses to run from them.
Before D-Day, she was also drinking much more heavily, and I worry that has continued. She didn't drink every day, but when she did, it was to blackout stages far too often. There were times she drove after having way too much as well because, well, her new party friends didn't stop her. Here's another disaster waiting to happen.
While I have maintained NC, I have had to try to mentally prepare for the worst as chances are, I will catch wind of where she is and what she's doing from time to time whether I want to or not. I'm worried of everything from a quick and toxic rebound relationship, hell maybe another marriage. I'm afraid to hear that she's sleeping with anything and everything in sight, that kind of thing. I'm afraid to hear that someone I know may be the OM - I still don't know who. However, I am very, truly worried about her well being, despite all she's done to me. I'm afraid to hear of failing health or worse. I'm afraid she is on a path to self-destruction, and I know there's nothing I can do about it. Still, I can't turn it off. I want her to get the help she needs but refuses to recognize. It would give me no satisfaction to hear that her life has completely crashed and burned.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Guess I just wonder who among you have or had similar worries for your exes and what you did to handle that worry.
