I found out 4 months ago my H was having a year long affair with a women at his workplace. I have agreed to give it some time before making a decision ... of course I haven't tossed him out and I am hopeful we can move forward. We have 3 kids, been married 11 years.
He has been trying to do everything right, I have actually been surprised by his actions. It seems the affair had gone on long enough to run its course naturally and he was "trying" *cough cough* to end it before I found the emails.
We have been to 6 couples counseling sessions (his company will pay for that many)
He has officially ended it in writing, it took 2 emails for her to get the picture (both approved by me.) a few weeks after the first one she left him a voice mail about how she was an emotional train wreck, and he never did say if they couldn't still be friends...so he called me right away and we wrote another. They still work for the same company but do not necessarily have to see each other often. He has been coming home daily with *contact reports* for me. There was some contact at first as he delegated his responsibilities that would include her to other people. (that contact was limited to email and group discussions) but hell who knows the truth here...
Anyway, the point of my post... I have read through many of the posts here, and *how long does this take* is a common question with no answer haha.
I guess I am seeking advice on obsessing over every detail. At first I asked him daily...berated him, needed more more more...I was horrible and mean and angry ... he deserves it...and I just NEEDED TO KNOW everything. that seems to have settled down to about less than once a week...maybe longer between days like this and I am less mean and angry... Like I am now able to shake the thoughts and questions out of my head more because I know they really serve no purpose but to cause me pain reliving it over and over.
However this past week was BAD I have started to have panic attacks and thoughts seem to come out of no where..
Though I have partially narrow where this came from down to; on the Wednesday he had to go into work late for a presentation (first time since D-Day) she was not there or involved...I know he was there because he gave me access to his live work security log (he works in a high security place) and you have to swipe to get anywhere and pass through security guards (he was there the whole time, she was not) he called me several times while there and even offered to secretly turn on his phone so I could hear it all. An hour before he had to leave I just lost it, couldn't breath..etc. which pisses me off and makes me feel weak.
Anyway, it seems to have stirred up everything again for me. My problem is I can see the toll it is taking on him after 4 months. I find myself caring that it is taking a toll on him...his shame and guilt...then I get pissed at myself for giving a shit about it or how he feels..
I don't want to push him away, but I also don't want to hold it all in... I pictured us going through this together stronger on the other side...but maybe there comes a point when I should just stop talking to him about it? maybe I need my own private counselor? or is this still common at month 4 and I should cut myself some slack.
Thank you for your time and thoughts.