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heavyheart1 (original poster new member #37496) posted at 8:55 AM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
Where to start? It's been a tough two years. After counselling, my husband got accepted into grad school overseas. He, of course, saw it as a way to fix things, and I saw it as a huge gamble. But I also knew it was double or nothing, so I threw my chips on the table.
Now, a year later, I've had to cope with a lot or stress and loneliness on top of the marriage problems. We never had full disclosure, and I still believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal, so tried to put it behind me. That clearly didn't work.
We've always had communications issues, mainly him neglecting to keep me in the loop and make decisions together. But I'm now looking back and seeing what is lying by omission and possibly gaslighting.
Recently, he neglected to inform me that he was taking his visiting brother-in-law out while visiting one evening, and on top of it complete omitted the fact that he had invited all his 20-something uni friends to come. And not me. This, naturally, triggered all my mistrust issues and sent me of the edge. I admittedly didn't handle it well, and had trouble talking about it all, especially since I would have to reveal my snooping sources.
It's been a few days, and things haven't gotten better. Tempers flared and we can't even talk about it. This morning, in an attempt to open the window, I left my journal out with a note for him to read it. While I was at work, he deleted his relationship status. I'm heading home now, likely to discuss the end of our relationship.
I guess there's not much you can do to help. I'm just in need of a little support, no matter what happens tonight. And I'm FINALLY reading "Not Just Friends" and feeling less alone in my feelings and frustrations these past 18 months and needing to reconnect with my SI family.
[This message edited by heavyheart1 at 2:58 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster
mesoSTUPID ( member #35679) posted at 9:12 AM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!
cannibal ( member #40560) posted at 9:28 AM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
HeHeavyheart1 I'm sorry to hear of this. I know how difficult R can be. I hope things don't fall apart for your family tonight but just remember there is always other men out there. Hopefully one that will be faithful to you.
I wish I have more good advice to tell you, but I'm sure others will be along to help.
(((Heavyheart1))) Things will get better!
Me: BS 45 Her: WS 45 dss: 25 deceased 02/15/23D-day: 06/06/04. OnsD-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ monthsSeperation after ddayMoved back in 6/20/13Broke n/c: 07/24/13D-day: 01/08/24Seperated after dday looking into divorce
refuz2bavictim ( member #27176) posted at 9:47 AM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
heavyheart1 (original poster new member #37496) posted at 12:37 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
Yup. Pretty much as I thought. Over.
Still numb and confused.
BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 1:09 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 1:18 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
I am sorry heavy heart. Hugs!
Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
Neverwudaguessed ( member #41884) posted at 1:25 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
So sorry to hear that after such a long struggle it seems that things will not work for you together. I hope that you find peace and strength and maybe not being stuck in limbo will at least help you to heal, as it seems that you were not able to do that while staying in your marriage. Please keep posting so those who have been where you are can help you through. (((heavyheart)))
BW: 46 Me
WH:50
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 14 1/2 years ago for 2 or 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 15
DD 13
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 1:29 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
((((heavyheart)))) I'm so sorry, honey.
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
(((heavyheart1)))
Do you have IRL support close? Far away? Wherever your IRL support is, I hope you connect with the folks who love you.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
meplusfour ( member #38958) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
((heavyheart1))
Take care of yourself.
BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."
LivinginLimbo ( member #35004) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
(((heavyheart)) For him to have changed his relationship status is immature, cold and heartless.
I am sorry. It sounds like he still has a terrible sense of entitlement. It's a no-win situation when there's no compassion.
BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years
D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.
BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 6:25 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
I'm so sorry!
believe there are a lot of things he's been untruthful about regarding the A. But I felt like I was playing the victim and taking too long to heal
You were set up to fail. You can't heal if you think they are still keeping things from you. I'm sorry someone convinced you that you were taking too long.
Sending you strength! (((heavyheart1))
deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 6:56 PM on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
I am so sorry. One day at a time...
Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.
heavyheart1 (original poster new member #37496) posted at 5:01 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
Thanks for all the love and support everyone. It's dark days.
But I thought I'd share some words from our former MC.
"... All I can say to you is that you need to be honest with yourself about what you want your life to look like. It seems like not much has changed, and that some things may have actually gotten more difficult between you two. If this is true, you have to think that maybe this is what it is going to be, and it can't get any better. Can you be happy as you are right now? You deserve happiness. Make the life that you want and feel entitled to it."
BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:23 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
Brokenhearted49 ( new member #39243) posted at 10:45 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
I am so terrilbly sorry you have to go through this. At least you can honestly say that you more than kept up your end of the bargain. I know you can get past this heartbreak and find happiness again. Surround yourself with those who love you and you will come out on the other end stronger and happier. My sincerest thoughts and prayers to you. Please dont despair. "When a door closes, God opens window" Find your new window and be happy. Best wishes.
Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling
JaneDeaux ( member #42630) posted at 11:53 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
Gunsmith ( new member #42761) posted at 2:23 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone
Gunsmith ( new member #42761) posted at 2:24 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
Be strong heavyheart . U are not alone 
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