SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A month ago today my ob/gyn calls and says I have an STD. I couldn't believe it. How? I asked. I'm married! Well, duh. I told my husband and he just stared at me and didn't acknowledge anything. I knew at that moment something was off. A week later (no intercourse) I pressed him again and he finally disclosed that he had had a one night stand 5 months or so prior and the condom broke. We've been dealing with this now for about a month and I got medication and was tested for STD's (unbelievable to me!!) All negative thus far. I have to go back and have another pap smear to confirm complete treatment and 100% STD free!!!

My husband is regretful. I sometimes even feel bad for him. Karma came back and bit him in the ass. I asked him how? could he 1. betray me and my kids (2 kids) and 2. how could he recklessly sleep w/me without protecting me 3. not get tested himself if he had full knowledge of the condom breaking??? So many many questions.

I think he is such an idiot. I am disgusted by the whole thing. He won't give me details because he says it is just unimportant. He had this affair 5 months ago yet I got sick in January. Something is still off to me.

He doesn't want the marriage to end. I don't know what to do. I have always been faithful and I feel like he has dragged my dignity through the mud and he has brought something dirty to my home and my bed. I get so angry that I think, all that "good behavior" for what? I was faithful only to get infected with an STD anyway! From the person that I most loved and trusted.

I want to leave so bad but I worry about my children. I feel he doesn't deserve me. We've had challenges along the way but nothing extreme. I am so afraid of the future right now. I am so scared about how this will impact my children and everyone. He doesn't seem to acknowledge that this is going to be extremely difficulty. I keep telling him how hurt I am yet I am scared to see him go. He offered to move out for a few weeks to give me space and time but I'm too scared. I also mad at myself because I have allowed him to visit me at work, take me to dinner, shower me with attention (we have not had intercourse because he has not been tested yet). I love him. I love our commitment that we have shown to each other after DDay BUT when I'm by myself I only think about what he did and I get so angry. I imagine him with someone else and I obsessively think about him and OW. It has literally made me SICK. I have an constant anchor sitting in my stomach. I hate him but I don't hate him. What do I do????

You want the full truth for a start. He didn't get the STD from a broken condom. He is trying to tell you that he had sex just once and the condom broke with that woman, who also just happened to have that STD. Statistically rather unlikely.

My guess he has been cheating with escorts and recently picked up this disease from one of them. Maybe he had unprotected sex with her for an increased 'donation' Probably been quite a few women not just one. Start digging for answers.

This happened to me too after 30 years of marriage. You need to proceed with caution as he may not have told you the whole truth and frankly, his story sounds a little fishy. The fact that he won't give you details is a huge red flag. Trich is most common among people who have had multiple sex partners.

When I got it, my doctor prescribed medication for my H to take as well because, unless you are both treated you will keep passing it back to each other when and, if you start having sex with him again. He needs to go for testing ASAP and make sure you get the results from the doctor's office/clinic. Don't take his word for it. Cheaters lie and you should be very Leary of believing anything he says. Check your phone records, computer history. You need to do a little digging.

Huge warning bells are ringing. His story is pretty crappy. Make him get tested, maybe have him take a polygraph? I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now.

Big hugs to you (((((Cleo))))))

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Take a deep breath. I have to agree with all the other responses. His story is not the truth. Cheaters like to minimize. Demand the truth from him. This is your health. Get a full battery of STD tests and tell him he will need to do the same. I would not come home until I had the testing in writing. I did not have a STD, but I was getting vaginal bacteria I could not get rid of. My H cheated with multiple people. He had one main person he was having an affair with, but then continued to seek out others at times. We have been in therapy 8 months... PLEASE protect your health.

sorry dear. You need him STD tested and you need to be at the doctors office to personally hear the results. At this point you can not trust anything he says.

You have discovered his affair(s) or use of prostitutes. He most likely has unprotected sex, and got it that way.

There are numerous posts about "trickle truth"...that is what you will get until you have some actual proof of what he did (emails, texts, phone logs, voice recordings).

(Cleo35014), I'm sorry that you are going through this.. It is so unfair. I got two STD's from my XBF, one of them I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. To this day, I don't know if he finally got tested when I asked him to or not, and he never seem to be worry about it either. I left him since D-day and will never go back with him. Thanks God I was not married to him. Please listen to all the great people here and demand your WH to be tested and show you in writing the results. And please protect yourself.

" Something is still off to me. "

Most of us are picking up on that too! Getting to the truth can be hard, so trust your gut! Do some snooping. Is his phone available to you? Do you have his passwords? He isn't being forthcoming, which would happen with remorse.

Regret? Regret will get you another Dday down the road - you need remorse! It is not okay to have a one night stand when you are married - nothing is okay with that, but I doubt that is what happened here.

He won't give me details because he says it is just unimportant.

He doesn't get to decide what is important! It was important enough to risk his marriage over...

(((Cleo))) and welcome to SI. You've found a great place for support/info/advice/commiseration.

Read in the upper yellow box - the healing library has lots of good info!

I'm so very sorry for your pain. I've been in your shoes--with the same disease, and with a WH who would not tell me the details.

Don't make the mistake of accepting that.

You need details to make an informed decision about your life. Furthermore, you need them to protect your physical well-being.

There is more to the story. He's not sparing you, he's sparing himself consequences. And even for him, that's a poor choice, because whatever he's up to is placing him at very high risk, as well.

Trust me. Learning the truth is far better than the alternative.

If nothing else, no sex until he's been tested, the results come back clean, and the testing has been repeated at recommended intervals for the recommended period of time (also with clean results). Once tested clean the first time, use condoms for EVERY sex act. (My trich manifested in my throat and went undiagnosed for well over a year---a year during which I was VERY ill, and my stbx did not think to mention possible exposure to our known philanderer of a doctor who, likely, would have treated us both without spilling the beans, leaving me none the wiser, but with vocal cords that still functioned properly and a few fewer ribs cracked from coughing).

My current doctor recommendeds testing at 6 month intervals for 18-24 months AFTER monogamy is re-established. If you're with a man harboring secrets and lies, you can never be sure when or if that occurs.

I'm sorry to hear this, Cleo. I had five (5) separate STDs over the years with my WH. I was naïve to the extreme. Your WS's story does, indeed, sound rather unbelievable. I would, if I were you now, go through absolutely everything that you can lay your hands on: emails, phone calls, bills, dates - you name it. There will probably be some other data that will point to the fact that he didn't have some one night stand and the 'condom broke.' I mean, really, how often does THAT happen in real life??

As everyone else has said: you both need to be tested for everything and you need to be there when he gets his results. If he is completely transparent from now on, with all passwords and records, then you know that he really does want your marriage to work. If he is at least one tiny bit defensive, then you know that he isn't.

Your intuition and the others are right. You are still being lied to. He has not told you everything. I also do not for one moment believe the baloney about the condom breaking. He had unprotected sex and probably much more than once.

Read here. Try to keep eating and drinking. If your world starts spinning too far out of control asking the Dr for meds to get through the day or sleep is common and can be a big help during this time.

((cleo))

Another one for that story isn't right at all. Keep digging and sorry this has happened to you.

I'm with the clear majority. He's lying.

"I had sex ONE time and the condom broke!" is the most over-used bullcrap story cheaters use when they're caught with their pants down.

It's highly likely he's been cheating with low lives who don't care that he's married and don't care who they hop in bed with, or he's having an affair with someone whose been around for a while.

But one time? Not by a long shot.

Don't trust his offer to move out to 'give you space.' That's simply an excuse to give him the opportunity to be free to screw around whenever he feels like it without you there to catch him doing it.

As long as he continues lying, there can't be any real reconciliation, but it doesn't sound as though you're leaning that way at this point.

Good luck to you.

Having read probably a thousand stories on SI, I can say that one thing cheaters are consistent with is that they never give up the whole story when they are first caught. The initial post by the BS is just like yours. Then when the BS presses more they post again and again as they learn more and more about the real truth. The one time and the condom broke is a classic SI tale. There might be a manual out there that cheaters refer to.

You will need to play hardball or he will continue to minimize. Let him fear that if he doesn't come clean then he stands to lose everything. But be prepared. When he starts to tell more don't overreact as it may shut him down. Stay calm and show him that he can tell you everything. Once you have enough of the real story you can react however you'd like.

Good luck.

Ok now that we have beat your about the head and shoulders with the fact that we all think he is full of shit, I want to say welcome, and offer a few gems of information for you.

Welcome to the best club NO ONE ever planned or wanted to join. You will find many wonderful people here. Some of us far out from the infidelity, and healed, some in the middle of the journey, and others just like you, just realizing that your world has been turned upside down.

There is a library up to your left side of your screen it has tons of great information in it. Start reading. There are other posts in the Just found out forum (JFO) with bullseyes, I will bump them. They too have great information.

Right now you are probably feeling confused, weak, embarrassed, and scared. All normal. Let's put some of these feelings where they go. Embarassed - You Have ZERO to be embarrassed about. This is all on your Spouse. He did this, and if anything you should trade the embarrassment in for anger at his selfishness and stupidity.

Confused- hell yah you're confused, the one person who you could count on to be honest, and true, has now proven himself to be a liar, and untrustworthy, you are also confused because his story makes no sense. That is because he is still lying. As you read you will discover that he doesn't get to be in charge of how this plays out. YOU DO!!!! but only if you take charge.

Scared- Fear of the unknown is the scariest feeling in life, as far as I am concerned. The what if's can be almost paralyzing. I would urge you to arm yourself with knowledge to take away the what if's, and allow yourself to be empowered.

Weak - This was a bad one for me, I kept saying if only I had done x, y, and z he wouldn't have done this. Frankly that is self defeating bullshit. He is doing this because he is a broken man. There is something in him that desires the attention, ego stroking, fantasy. He has to figure out what that is, and why, and fix it.

So you have STD testing, please tell me that included HIV, and Hepatitis screenings too. If not then call your OB and have them ordered immediately. Also if the stress of all this is too much, and you are having trouble with sleep, and eating, then let your Dr know. This is quite possibly the most difficult thing you will go through in life, and many of us have found medications can help. Everything from Antidepressants, to antianxiety meds to even treating our ADHD when we haven't had to our whole adult lives. There is no shame in it, and you need to be sleeping so you can keep your emotions in check, and your brain working well. Same with eating.

See a lawyer, no matter how this can or will turn out, you need to know your rights, and his legal obligations. He is running around having unprotected sex, you need to know how to protect yourself financially, and protect your kids financially.

It's up to you, but Do NOT leave your home if you want some time away, send him packing. This can be a real eye opener for the cheater, it makes them realize that you are not going to tolerate being disrespected, and also makes it very real what they stand to loose, home, wife, kids. Until this point it's just a possibility, and had he not gotten a disease, wasn't even on his radar of getting caught.

Keep reading, keep posting, and know that we share our words, advice, and recommendations based on caring, and wanting to prevent you from making some of the same stupid mistakes we did.

((((and strength))))

I too got an STD from my XWH, and mine also did not confess the truth for several more months. I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain and confusion in your post. To me, this kind of betrayal is unimaginable, until it happens to you.

I hope that you will both seek counseling so that you can hear the truth and learn how you want to move ahead.

Know that you will always be heard and supported here.

As tushnurse put it so well........

Ok now that we have beat your about the head and shoulders with the fact that we all think he is full of shit, I want to say welcome, and offer a few gems of information for you

.

same for me.

First of all, thank you, for all of your generous words, even the difficult ones to read. You are right in that his story is probably not 100% truth but I'm being patient. Eventually truth prevails and it will come out, just like the STD allowed me to learn about my WH. I am extremely confused and I have found an apartment, contacted some potential lawyers, AND joined him to his doctors office for a full STd results. We're in the clear with Std's which include HIV, chlymidia, syphilis, etc. I have yet to sleep with him and really don't have any interest in going through it without some healing and 100% honesty. Although I miss us and what once was.

I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Why am I not more angry? I fear I'm too passive. He is struggling and feeling lost. I fear that I'll be taking care of his healing without protecting mine. Which is why I've decided to leave temporarily. You see I know this is not a result of escorts or prostitutes. He and I lost a 13 year old child two years ago. We've never been able to be the same. I need my space and time to focus on me and in the meantime we'll coparent out 2 other children. If in fact this OW was a long term situation and he decides to remain in that relationship I now know I am willing to face those facts.

We've been so broken for so long I don't have the strength to heal us both

Im so very sorry for the loss of your child and I agree, your husband has to learn to fight for your relationship or face the additional loss of your marriage.

Just maintain some contact during your separation and perhaps counseling would be in order; anything to get it into your WH's head that the marriage is poised to end if he doesn't show some energy and will to save it. Hopefully the OW is now out of the equation.

You want the full truth for a start. He didn't get the STD from a broken condom.

^^ yep

I can say that one thing cheaters are consistent with is that they never give up the whole story when they are first caught.

very true.

So sorry you are here. expect far far more damaging things to come out. Him not willing to communicate is avoiding.

If you need more information, demand it. Be strong. While losing a child is a heartbreaking, tragic thing it does not excuse an affair.

Focus on you... do what you need.

((hugs))

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 7:26 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]