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We are 18 months out from D-Day. My WH had a LTA of over 8 years. We are attempting R, he is currently a model husband if I play nice and avoid any mention of the A. Obviously, this is neither satisfactory or sustainable, but for various reasons (we live overseas) I have to carry on for the moment, but my heart is not in it.

Reading through some old mails of his today I found the following from an old girlfriend (not OW)sent to him after he had attended a class reunion several years ago.

"Please write to me on this, my work mail, as my family read my private mail. How about you, do your family have access to your hotmail?

I am so upset that you just disappeared on Saturday, although maybe it was for the best as the chemistry between us was amazing.

I would love to meet with you, call me or write.

Lots of love, J "

There follows a further exchange of five e-mails within the next week and then nothing more. His replies are frankly innocent, he chats about me and the children and asks to her family and husband. Hers continue to refer to a desire to meet up, and in one she actually tells him when she is away on holiday, noting that she has kept some holiday in reserve and asking when he is off work!

I am staying because of the enormous financial and logistical difficulties involved in splitting up whilst living overseas. I was hoping to last another year, until our youngest finishes school. However, this is a deal breaker for me. If this is a pattern of behaviour I dont have the energy to deal with it any more and I will have to cut and run regardless.

I have confronted him and he insists, very convincingly that there was no relationship. I feel, however that for the woman to be so brazen, that he must at least have behaved inappropriately (flirting, kissing ...., if not worse)

Even though it is not recent I feel I would like to contact her and call her out on her behaviour. I suppose I am hoping that she will spill the beans. Should I just ask her outright if they have had a relationship, or is it crazy to contact her at all as it was not recent?

Your thoughts are welcomed.

I don't think contacting her would help, but it would help if you and your WH attended counseling.

If he isn't talking about the LTA and helping you through the healing process, he isn't in full R mode.

This isn't much in the way of advice, but others will give you more, I'm sure.

((jules6710))

You've already said your done. What's the point in trying to find out more? Is it going to change what you are doing right now? Is it going to change what your H is doing?

I say let that dog lie.

I also would like to encourage you to stop zalling what you are doing R. It's not. Not even close. If you tell your H that you are done will he walk away? Or can he reasonably live with you until you can get back home and file?

This limbo faking it nonsense is soul crushing. Focus on you and your kids if you can't just end it and live peaceably then you should 180 and get strong.

Please don't con tact her. You can never know if she would tell the truth. But you should discuss it with your WH. Rug sweeping may mean he blows up and gets on you about his privacy, or he may lie...but it's something you need to talk about with him, since you feel it may push you over the edge to leaving.

((((Jules))))

I'm so sorry for your situation and for the loss of trust. Not having a partner in healing is awful.

Honestly, your husband has already shown you his true colors loud and clear by conducting an 8 year affair (and god knows what else he's done that you DON'T know). So you already know he's perfectly capable of lying to you everyday and conducting a secret life without you in it - with absolutely ZERO guilt or remorse.

You know what he's made of and you know what he's capable of. He has no remorse whatsoever for his 8 year affair or you wouldn't be afraid to bring it up and talk about it. So not only is he completely fine disrespecting you and lying to you day after day, but he's perfectly fine letting you wallow in your pain while you keep your mouth shut.

So I honestly ask, are you really suprised to find out he was trying to hit on someone else - whether he was successful or not? How will that change that you're mired to a man who has no compassion for your feelings at all?

Good luck to you, Jules.

It's an email from a woman telling him how to contact her so her BH doesn't find out...and asking him if his email is private.

Red flag.

She mentions he disappeared. And she says they had amazing chemistry together.

It sounds like he had a ONS(or more), took off without explanation, and she wants to see him again.

This is an OW. With your WH's track record, I doubt this is OW2. But she is one of his OW.

Playing nice and not mentioning the affair is not R. It is rugsweeping. And he is unremorseful if he is rugsweeping.

Ae you ok with that? Because as long as you stay quiet and don't talk about what he did, then you've grabbed a broom, and you are helping him rugsweep.

You can not heal yourself or the marriage if you rugsweep.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R? Being a good husband *now* is not enough...is it?