Well, here I am, two weeks, two days in (tonight). The last couple of weeks I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I know you all know.
I'm 38, married for 7 years to a wonderful woman who I love dearly (but to whom I undeniably haven't always shown it). We've been together for 15 years. My wife is 37. We have one amazing little boy of 5 who we both ADORE. He truly is the best thing that has happened to us, and has kept me (speaking only for myself) sane over the last five difficult years. He has no idea how much strength he gives me, nor how much he has helped me since my own dreadful D-Day.
I've done a lot of reading on this site since week one so I feel like I've taken a crash course in Surviving Infidelity. Not that I am an expert; I am just a beginner and struggling hugely with enormous ups and downs. But I do understand that the part where my WS 'crossed the line' is in no way my fault. What led up to it though, I take full responsibility for my share of. If this was meant as a huge kick up the backside, then it's worked. I knew what was wrong with our marriage - we both did - and we both failed miserably to do anything about it. In the almost two weeks since D-Day, the true meaning of the 180 has become clear, and I'm already taking the first tentative steps to improve ME, as I know that's all I have any control over. It's a battle though, with my constant mood swings and a WW I'm pretty sure you'd say is well and truly still in The Fog.
I feel like everything that preceded my wife's infidelity is now another life. Yes, it all feels tainted right now though I hope that will one day pass. But certainly Part 1 of our marriage. I look at pictures from only a couple of weeks ago and feel like everything's changed; everything I held dear and believed to be set in stone has been shown to have been no more than an illusion, and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel secure or trust my wife again.
I cannot deny that I've taken my wife for granted, that I've snubbed her affection and advances over petty niggles, that I've no more confronted our problems than she has. Coinciding almost exactly with our son's arrival, my work situation has been diabolical (losing a family business etc) and our finances have really suffered. I spent much of those years sleeping in the second bedroom. It's been a very bad time and I've felt like a poor provider, despite keeping a roof over our heads and the fact that my wife has always worked too and doesn't expect to be reliant on me (or any man - ironic seeing as just the other day she threw at me that the OM could pay off all her debts).
In amongst all this confusion and wretchedness, yes, I hope for R, I really do. It might sound perverse but I forgave my WW on Day 1 and knew I wanted to save our marriage. And I knew it could be so much better. Convincing her my motives aren't just the fear of the unknown and/or of messing up our son's life, that I do actually love her, is proving an enormous challenge and the legacy of years of taking each other for granted.
So, here's what happened.
On Monday 14th April, my wife admitted she'd slept with the dad of friends of our son (I now learn he's been married - or should I say divorced - three times) and that she'd been getting emotionally involved since Christmas. She told me that evening that she thought she might love him, and it was this that really stuck the knife in and twisted it. She said her plan was to get Easter out of the way and our little boy back to school and then confess to me the following week. I have to believe her as, in the end, my sixth sense finally kicked in and I forced her hand.
It was Friday 4th April. All I knew was my wife put our son into after-school club (which isn't that unusual though he usually only does this on a Wednesday) as she was going to a party with her best friend that evening, and staying out overnight. This isn't that uncommon either - I now feel a fool but I've always trusted her and 'let' her stay out on numerous occasions over the years. I can't say I've always been that happy about it, but truly never believed she would be unfaithful to me and believed it was my job to trust her. I even believed (and still do on some level, in the midst of all this pain) that it was OK for her to have male friends. I even defended her right to have male friends when the OM's ex started spreading gossip that something was going on between them, only very recently. I've 'let' my WW see some of her own exes on a couple of occasions. The bottom line is I had complete faith in her, and treated her the way I expected to be treated myself (though I never put my wife in those same situations).
I left work early to go get our son. I even chatted with the lady there about my WW's plans for the evening and how she'd been at home all day, chilling out and pampering herself a bit. What of course I didn't realise was that she was actually going to a work dinner (at a venue I wanted to take our little boy to and now feel sick about every time I go past) with the OM as his 'girlfriend', and staying at his overnight (his kids being with their mother).
I am still really struggling to get my head around this betrayal. She LIED to me for (I think it was from going through my text messages) eight days after telling me she was staying out that Friday. She has since claimed that 'it wasn't like that', that she didn't 'know' they were going to end up in bed together, and that - when I've (regrettably) resorted to crude language to really drive my point home - it wasn't some sordid affair. It was nice. She was falling for him. He treated her well and say kind things. It just 'kind of happened' and it actually did mean something. Yeah, right, I know what you're going to say.
They went back to his by taxi, sat on the sofa, had a drink (my WW's even claimed she doesn't remember all the details as she was drunk - again, yeah, right), starting kissing and ended up having - unsafe - sex. Just the once and then again in the morning when they woke up. He even made her breakfast (how lovely). All the while I was at home, getting our boy his breakfast before taking him out swimming (I had no idea what time she'd be back and - another symptom of our failing marriage - knew better than to ask). My wife came home early afternoon. I remember texting her from the changing rooms after our swim and sending her some funny pics of our boy wrapped up in his towel. She texted like everything was completely normal. I took our son out for his dinner, knowing I probably wouldn't see my wife that whole day as she was out again with friends that evening (she has told me that the OM wasn't there - at the same time as criticising me, with a little justification, for not bothering to come out that evening with her).
To add insult to injury, following this betrayal she proceeded to tell me not to take any time off work in the first week of Easter, that the business needed me (I was made redundant at Christmas and started a new business again within days, which is still struggling to get off the ground - she's used this as a justification for her infidelity, pinpointing my 'ignoring' her views on the subject when she said she didn't want me to start again) and that I should stay there and make us some money. I accepted this, then watched as she (and my son) spent most days with the OM and his kids. I know, I'm a complete fool. It was only the Wednesday when she 'announced' (she's very good at sudden announcements) that it wasn't only our son going for a sleepover at the OM's on Thursday evening, it was my wife too, that the vague thoughts in my head started to form into something more concrete. I made my uneasiness clear but fell far short from banning her from going - again, I've always trusted her (though as far as I know, she'd never stayed round a male friend's house overnight before) and, if I'm honest, we'd let our marriage reach such a low point any argument would have been futile. She wouldn't have understood, would've felt 'controlled' and done whatever she liked.
I barely slept that night. My sixth sense was really kicking in - I just didn't know at the time that it was already too late.
She has told me since D-Day that they did not sleep together that night, though they did kiss once the kids had gone to bed. To be honest, I'm struggling to believe this. The next day my son quite innocently remarked that the OM had slept on the floor next to my wife, who was on the lower bunk of one of the kids' bunk beds, and that the kids slept elsewhere. I genuinely didn't ask him ANYTHING - I wouldn't do that to a 5-year-old - so this took me aback. Something quite clearly wasn't right.
I confronted my WW about this and she denied there was anything wrong. It's all a bit of a blur now but I ended up determined to have a good weekend with my family, which we did. We really did. I was obviously in some kind of denial/protection mode, trying to act as if nothing was wrong. I also knew - and still do - that pushing my wife would get me nowhere. But come the Monday I couldn't focus on anything else. She knew on some level and after we put our son to bed, she disappeared into the bathroom until gone 9pm. When she finally came down, I forced her to face things and we had it out. No shouting, no arguing, and lots of tears (hers - at this point for some reason I couldn't cry, and I felt like there was something wrong with me until I did the next morning). She owned up and told me she'd slept with him, but it had just been the once (OK, now I know twice but I suppose you could say I'm being pedantic).
In the 2+ weeks since, we've talked and talked and there have been lots of tears (not enough though - right now I feel like I need to cry forever to get it all out, but the tears just won't come). The problem is I feel like it's been mostly me doing the talking. My wife is very good (as she's said so herself this past week) at burying her head in the sand and acting like nothing's wrong. This is what she says she did the day after, when I was at the swimming pool with my son. Since the weekend, anger but mostly frustration has kicked in (with me), mainly because I feel like she has been a closed book, answering the sordid details when asked (though I suspect not telling me everything) but refusing to let me in to her thoughts. Every now and again she'll throw in a 'I still don't know which way to go' or a 'our marriage was over long before I slept with him'. OK, this is in her most defensive moments so I'm left not knowing whether she's trying to rub salt in the wounds or really means these things. Over the weekend she even muttered something about my best friend, as if to imply something else had gone on between them (and implied there was now some problem between me and her sister, who is like a sister to me too). I obviously couldn't ignore these comments but, when pressed, she said she'd just been trying to hurt me. This is classic her - when she feels under attack the walls go up and she protects herself, any which way. And all the while she keeps saying she wants to go away on her own for a while (and I won't let her), despite the fact I've laid myself bare and made it clear that I need her here while I try to process all this.
The day after D-Day, she told her mum, face to face. She's since blamed me for 'making' her tell her mum, which I didn't, when I was seeing that as a positive step. The next day I allowed her to go see the OM one last time, to supposedly tell him it was over. I felt wretched and sick as I took my son out, just to get us out of the house (despite the business needing me, I was able to make some excuses in week 1 and avoid going in), and my wife didn't text me for over 2 hours, leaving me to worry what was going on/where she was/if she was ever coming back. When she did finally surface, she said she'd needed some time out and had gone for a drive. She also promised me that nothing had happened. She admitted she wasn't as forceful in what she said to the OM as I'd have liked, and he'd tried to convince her how they could live together and of all the things he'd be prepared to do (like driving our son to school every day).
The problem is, still to this day she defends him. 'Don't blame X, he's not a bad person', that kind of thing, and reminds me she misses him.
On Saturday I fully expected to come face to face with the OM, at the club where we all first met. I had no intention of confronting him (I don't think that's either of us) but it was going to be awkward, if that's not the understatement of the century. He didn't show (I don't remember the last time his kids weren't there, even if he wasn't). As my wife didn't come either, I couldn't help but worry but she assured me she was at home, on her own, and had no idea the OM wasn't going to be there. As she said she wanted some space, I kept our son occupied until late afternoon, when I arrived home to a mildly aggressive WW who then announced (here we go again) that she might stay out overnight (I knew she was going to see her sister to tell her what was going on though it did seem to turn into a normal girls night out, from my perspective). I flipped out. Not aggressive, but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And, despite my best efforts at being strong I ended up pleading with her to see my point of view and to come home. Eventually (and very much out of character), she agreed but said not to wait up, she wasn't going to be rushed home early.
I felt wretched so text my mother-in-law (I know, against the 180) to ask if we could talk (to be fair, she and my wife have a slightly tempestuous relationship but I know she is on the side of our family, which we all should be). We ended up talking for three hours. And it helped. I was careful not to overly criticise my wife but her mum knows her and understands the frustrations I'm going through. She also made it clear they feel just as betrayed and that her dad, a lovely man with (in her mum's words) 'one point of view on everything', is hugely disappointed (and this is part of the reason my WW has started turning her own anger against her mother behind her back - she certainly doesn't want to confront what her dad thinks of what she's done). I've had no-one to talk to other than my wife (she's seen to that, though I have also realised once I've told my mum or my best friend, I can't take it back and frankly I don't want them seeing my wife in a bad light and/or offering me their well-intentioned 'advice'. What I decide to do has to be MY decision, without influence from well-meaning loved ones, but this has left me feeling very alone).
To be fair, my WW did send me a picture message of her and her sister at the very place she promised me she'd be. That was a minor breakthrough, for us, though this apparent 'transparency' hasn't lasted.
Last night we DID come face-to-face with the OM. The complication is the kids. His are lovely, and my wife says she loves them (this from someone who usually tells everyone she doesn't like other people's kids). Our boy was understandably excited to see them, having not seen them for two weeks after quite an intense period of seeing them all the time. My wife's reaction was worrying. On the face of it, she didn't want to punish the children. But I'm sure if I hadn't have been there, she'd have been chatting with the OM like there was nothing wrong. Instead, I made my point and she stayed with me (but was very off/cold with me). It was only when I spotted her exchanging a few words with the OM (apparently, he said, 'are you OK?', and she replied something like, 'not really') that I found myself confronting him. Again, not in an aggressive way. I even waited until his son wandered off (after an awkward 30 seconds) before telling him 'I think we both know who the better man is' and not to speak to my wife again. She told me on the way home that he had text her to say what I'd said (she says this was his first text in two weeks) and implied I'd done it in front of the kids (not true). I feel conflicted over what I did. It didn't get me much satisfaction and I showed him that I am hurt/defensive but, at least, I did confront him and didn't let myself down.
So, where are we now? She can't understand my mood swings and says that I'm messing with her mind by being nice to her for a whole day and then wanting to vent my frustrations at night. She only wants to talk when she wants to talk (though I've not given that much concern). The other night I woke up and 3.30 and those mind movies started playing over and over in my head. My WW just got annoyed at me for being restless so I ended up walking the streets for an hour at 4am. I found myself at the church where we got married, yet still the tears were coming but just wouldn't flow.
She point blank refuses my efforts at demanding transparency. Her iPhone is well and truly off limits (and PIN-protected) and, as she keeps telling me, 'I've deleted everything anyway' (again, this could just be her fight-or-flight response doing the talking). She swears on our son's life that she's had no contact at all from the OM since D-Day (except that text last night), nor has she tried to contact him. I have no access to her Facebook (though apparently he's not on it) or emails or anything. She refuses to even contemplate MC/IC.
I know how all this sounds. I get it. And I can't flog a dead horse forever. But I know my wife. She is the most stubborn, pig-headed person in the world when she feels under attack. And I have attacked her in the last few days (out of sheer frustration). I've let myself down. I even threw the phone against the wall at one point, that's how much this is getting to me. I'm not proud of it. But I do believe underneath it all, she does love me. I almost believe (in my more confident moments) that we'll get through this and a lot of what my WW's said during this period of coping will be shown for what it is - if not game playing then certainly 'attack is the first line of defence'. This is partly why she refuses MC - for someone who apparently doesn't care what anybody else thinks, she sure is touchy about being blamed or told she is a bad person (not that either would happen there).
The other night, before we went to bed, she said she would try harder this week to sort herself out. And, to be fair, there were signs, until last night derailed progress. I just feel like we're wasting valuable healing time. At the same time, I don't want to push her.
Last week I saw my best friend (a fairly rare thing these days - entirely my fault) and her reaction was interesting (not that I was playing games, just putting myself first). He lives in the middle of nowhere and there's very little signal. Knowing this, I said bye to my wife properly (I didn't just leave the house as I may have done before) and even texted her on the way to his house. But when I got home I had a text from her saying, 'I know you're ignoring me and that's fine, I get it'. The very next morning her first words were, 'Did you tell him?'. I didn't.
One last thing, bizarrely in week 1 I felt closer to my wife than in the last several years, both emotionally and physically. We did not make love (and still haven't - one demand I have had is we both get checked out for STDs, which she has agreed to but is yet to do) but our physical closeness was better than it has been in a long time. But for her - on a rare moment of getting her to open up about her feelings - it was messing with her mind, making her deal with her guilt (which she does say she has) over what she's done to me. So I've told her I will respect her space, keep talking but not initiate anything (which I failed at a couple of nights later). I don't know if that is healthy or not right now. I just love her and want to be with her. She says she can't understand why I don't feel repulsed by her, and that she's struggling to deal with what she did and needs to before we can get any closer. I understand but I don't see a lot of evidence of her dealing with anything.
I don't know which way to turn, and I'm sorry this is a bit of a monster post, but it has really helped taking the time to write it down. I just know that I love my wife with a passion, and feel so messed up trying to deal with how SHE is dealing with this mess. She's said some very hurtful things when feeling under attack, as recently as last night, yet a couple of days ago text me to say she can't think clearly with me about, that it 'reminds me of the guilt and makes me feel vulnerable so my barriers go up!'. She added that she loves me and that 'it sickens me all the hurt and upset this is causing you! It's really hard for me to deal with 
'.
I've just had two reasonable days (or maybe one-and-a-half) but last night has really set me back. I've only slept for four hours (again). I woke up from a nightmare about her leaving me for the OM. It wasn't so much seeing the guy as my wife's reaction to it. We bickered all the way home (with our son in the back - I deeply regret this), tried to talk when we got in but, from my perspective, didn't get very far.
This would be so easier if I didn't love my wife, didn't want to protect my family, and could just walk away. But I can't. I want us to not only survive this, but learn from our mistakes and this awful experience and put our marriage right.
