I married my husband in 2006. I have always struggled with depression despite being a cheerful person. As we started growing our family, I lost myself more and more without realizing it.
When I became pregnant with my third baby in four years, we were fighting more and more. My husband said, "I seriously think there is something WRONG with you, your mood swings and threats about leaving me". I tried to control myself, and decided to start antidepressants after baby was born.
He recommended a young girl he worked with as a great babysitter who just looooooved kids.
He worked 65 hours a week, and I would stay up late nights to spend time with him, then wake early with kids. Sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes we would take turns sleeping all day.
I work nights, and he worked till 2 am sometimes. On days I worked back to back shifts, our babysitter would stay the night to help with kids in the am so I could sleep.
It was one such morning that I went to bed as the kids, babysitter, and husband were having breakfast. I heard them laughing and talking as if they were married, and I was an outsider. I went on alert. No more sleep overs with the pretty 21 year old babysitter. Other babysitters if I could find them.
And then in feb, during a party, I glanced over my husbands shoulder and saw him texting her. I demanded he show me what they were talking about, he lied and refused to show me his phone, even though I was heavily pregnant, tearful, and begging. When I finally got his phone after he had fallen asleep, the babysitter was wiped clean from his phone.
He had good excuses and it all could make sense. I wasn't myself, he said. I was looking for a way out of the marriage, he told me.
I didn't believe him, but I was due any day with my son, so I filed it away, put a smile on, eliminated use of the baby sitter, and thought I caught it in time. I even told my friends that if he was cheating, I could deal with it, but later...and I thought I had nipped it in the bud.
I have birth to a beautiful baby boy without issue (despite having life threatening scares with baby #2), and went home on maternity leave. I noticed my husband was short tempered and frustrated with the kids, and I turned myself inside out to give him plenty of time to rest and de-stress. I would be up till five with the baby, then up at eight with the older kids, trying to give him at least a solid chunk of eight hour sleep.
He was attentive, he seemed happy. I hated his long hours and that I was always alone, but l tried to support him. I bought books on how to help our marriage. I read them. He didn't.
Then on April 22, I took a deep breath and decided to look back at the feb phone bill so I could deal with the past and make sure I hadn't imagined the text, he seemed so different now! Maybe they really were just babysitter and husband.
But on my iPad, in order to load feb bill, you have to scroll through current bills back. My heart stopped in my chest when I saw 6000 texts to the baby sitter in April. 6000 in march. 7000 in feb...and so on...all the way back to July.
I wasn't trying to catch him cheating. I thought I had caught it and turned it around in feb.
I confronted him and when he denied it, I reached for his phone. I was eight weeks post partum and started to say, "if you want this phone, you will have to physically take it from me.", but he wrestled me to the ground before I could finish the sentence.
Then came the trickle truth over the next five days.
They were just best friends.
They just made out.
Etc...etc...etc.
They were having an affair and calling each other husband and wife. They were working together all day, then meeting each other in parking lots to have sex, then texting each other 6000 times a month. They were having unprotected sex.
He text her over 300 times on the day I gave birth. I was able to recover some of the deleted texts, and that morning, while I was in labor, she said "oh, I didn't think you'd be able to talk to me." And he said, "no, it's ok, she's in her own world."
Having your baby.
I filed for divorce, because I didn't know anyone could ever save a marriage after infidelity. He refused to leave the house, and my lawyer said I couldn't make him.
I've caught him in at least two lies since discovery day, about contact with other woman.
My infant son had a mystery rash/blisters in his groin that went away with topical care, so the pediatrician called it normal. However, my blood tests came back positive for an std. And the lesions looked exactly like my babies. Had my husband come clean in feb, when I confronted him, I could have elected to have a csection so my baby would not have been exposed. I was already considering a section anyway, from #2 birth experience.
I think a marriage can make it through cheating. But this is a very special kind of cheating. All those nights up with a crying baby or toddler, waiting for him to come home, lonely as hell, unhappy and blaming myself...and he's out in some parking lot screwing a 21 yr old.
I would do anything for my kids, including trying to work it out with this man. But I have no faith he can change, and my kids are young enough to get through this without trauma.
He cries. He is closed off and quiet. The man does not talk, never has, unless I ask the right questions worded exactly. He has not followed through any of his promises, like therapy or dr or parenting classes. He has bought me jewelry, and flowers, but still managed to miss Mother's Day because he "didn't have time to shop".
I'm angry and empty. I would feel better if I could be sad, and cry it all out, but nothing. I have started therapy and feel strong.
We are putting the house up for sale. We coexist, and sometimes it feels like we are friends, but I can not think about letting him touch me. We pack boxes and divide our belongings and make jokes.
I don't understand this new life.
