SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I must admit that after reading about such pain and misery suffered by the posters here, I feel a little embarrassed to submit my story; which in no way compares to some listed here. However, if possible, I would love insight on my situation. My W (50) and I (55) just celebrated our 29th Wedding Anniversary and plan to stay together for the long haul. I have never cheated and she once had a EA with a co-worker going through a divorce which she ended. My problem is something that happened 30 years ago (this week) before we were married which I learned about last year during a heart-to-heart talk. She was at the beach with a girlfriend and they took two guys home that night and had sex. She said it was awkward and painful and ultimately confessed to the entire ordeal, or so I thought. She claims she cannot remember the guys name?! I have pressed on this issue a few times and it is to the point that she gets upset when I bring it up. Fast forward up to two months ago, when looking through old photo albums, I found pics from that week of her and her friend; however in two pics, both girls were pictured meaning someone else had to take the pictures. She always maintained they met the guys at the club and went back to the room, had sex, and left. So, I showed her the pictures and asked who took them. Does deer in the headlights conjure an image. She took a long time to answer and the answer (her mother) could not be true because her mother works during the week. Otherwise, she is not sure and I should let it go. I feel a victim of trickle truth. Was the one night stand really a longer liaison? Why won't she tell me the guy's name- do I know him? So, anyway, my birthday is coming up and she asked me what I wanted (anything, so she says)and I told her that I would let her know. This is where you guys come in. For my present, I want full disclosure about that beach trip. the good=bad=and ugly. It had really be eating at me a lot, a the reason I began perusing these boards. So, should I drop it? Should I pursue it? It feels like it happened last week in my heart. I want to believe her, but I can't after finding the pictures and the way she behaved when confronted about them. Help...

Since it is suddenly bothering you, I guess you should just tell her to be honest.

It is not an affair since you weren't married at the time. I assume nothing she can admit to that happened before you were married would ruin your marriage.

Bring up the fact you know she is lying when she said her mom took the pictures.

Also, bringing up the past like this after so many years of a faithful good marriage could be asking for trouble. Do you really want to open a can of worms.

If this is really tearing you up, just tell her it is bothering you so much. Odd, after 29 years of marriage this should suddenly come up, she should suddenly mention it.

And I cannot remember every girl's names I was with 30some year ago no matter how many times someone asked me.

Yes she cheated on you before marriage and that can be devastating to hear.(I'm in the same boat).

If you find out the whole truth to what happen 30 years ago will it affect your marriage?

Is knowing the truth going to really be helpful?

You have to weigh all that out, I wanted to hear more about what my husband did before we were married but all it did was bring me pain. My counselor stated and he was right, it isn't helpful in our marriage what happen years before we were married.

Unless this will be breaking point of your marriage and if you find out what you really don't want to know. Is it really worth it?

Thanks for your advice. Sometimes I feel silly for letting it bother me. Its not something I dwell on constantly either, just moments here and there. The only reason I wonder why she "forgot" the guys name is that her memory is uncanny otherwise. For example, she can recall events from our first date with remarkable detail. The night she and her friend went out, they met these guys at a dance club, had drinks, danced, etc. for a couple of hours before heading back to the hotel where the hanky panky took place. She had to be using his name at least some of that time. She also told me that a couple of weeks later, he called and asked her out, so she had to give him the home number (this is pre-cell phone times) so this was a home number (she was living with her parents). She also told me the guy knew her brother by playing HS football, opposing teams, so he lived nearby, at the least. Not remembering at least a first name just does not add up.

She knows it.....sounds like she doesn't want to hurt you.

You think she ever cheated while you were married?

Honestly, since the disclosure a year or so ago, I had put it behind me until I came across those pictures which for all intents and purposes seem to suggest that she was not telling everything. If she has lied by omission, then what else is lurking. the only way my marriage would be jeopardized is if the guy was my brother or very close friend or colleague. (not possible, just an example).

Were you two dating at this time? Was she not supposed to be going out with other guys at this time?

I also have a great memory and there are still names from that long ago I don't remember. But I think if I was with a girl and she called me again, I might remember.

The problem here is that her reluctance to answer your questions honestly, is now making you wonder more and more.

When someone hides something and it is obvious, it just makes it that more curious.

Is there ANY answer that she could give you that could hurt your marriage, any answer that could ruin 29 years of a fine marriage just like that?

If not, tell her that.

I guess, if it were me, I would be curious, because that is the way I am.

And I would also wonder, why in the world my wife went so far as to tell me these things and then stop from telling me the rest. Almost like, if you werent going to tell me the entire truth, why the heck did you bring it up in the first place.

yme: during our heart-to-heart she admitted to an EA culminating is a parking lot kiss after a Christmas Party at a local restaurant. She was so forthcoming, knew names, etc. that I believe her. The reason was the same thing you see in this forum a lot. I was busy (finishing my PhD dissertation)and was distant, etc., etc. Since this was during the marriage, I grilled her pretty much looking her straight in the eye - not a flinch.

Craig, we were exclusive. It was an plain old messing around thing on her part. When she came back from the trip, we attended my 10 year HS Reunion. Not a clue as to the "infidelity." My birthday came the next week... celebration city... not a clue. How can someone who is crazy in love (she pursued me quite intensely) do that and just put it aside. That part kind of eats at me, too.

she admitted to an EA culminating is a parking lot kiss after a Christmas Party

How long ago was that.

From what you say, it sounds like you were satisfied at the time that she told you the entire truth about the EA. Are you now doubting that?

I think it is great you and her can have talks like this. Make sure you can keep it that way. By that I mean no matter what she admits to, try very hard not to get mad, threatening anything or stuff like that.

If she is willing to talk, keep talking.

Craig. Yes, our talks were open and good. The EA would have around 1997 or 1998. One thing is that as open as she was about that, she seems vague about the other. I know there is a 13-15 time difference, but wouldn't the EA during a marriage seem more damning than a ONS while dating? See, it is perplexing. I let the EA slide because there is no reason to suspect it continued.

I believe that is someone you know and that it's going to hurt you.

Do you honestly forgive her for what she had done to you before you were married? Or are you just taken aback from all of this?

You last message was how could she have acted differently when we went to the reunion. It sounds to me you're actually hurt about what she did.

How can someone who is crazy in love (she pursued me quite intensely) do that and just put it aside. That part kind of eats at me, too.

It is called compartmentalization for one thing and women (and I guess men also) can easily put in a box and forget about memories they do not like.

I have never been one of those that believe someone can just forget.

I mean, yes, anyone can forget a ONS when they were single.

But I do believe in this case your wife does remember who this person is/was.

Just be careful and don't start a big fight over this, something that happened so long ago and before you were married.

If it continues to bother you, and your wife continues to say she doesn't remember. Is there any realistic way you could call the other girl and say, we were talking about the past, can you tell me the guys name.

Without causing a huge fight. The last thing you want to do know is ruin your marriage over this.

Continue talking with your wife just like you did when you and her had that heart to heart talk.

I agree with Craig..... This is something that you can just let go.

If you're happy don't let this ruin what you two have.

Here's how I figure it will go down. No big drama, hopefully another heart to heart. I told her that I had picked out my birthday present and it wouldn't cost her a penny. And left it at that. I'm guessing she thinks it will be... you know.

I will gauge the atmosphere that day and invite her to sit and talk and here's what I will say. After you read this I will be happy to hear what you think.

Me: I know things have been stressful in 2014 with you losing both of your parents in a span of four months and it meant the world to me to get away last weekend for our 29th anniversary, and reconnect. We have a good history. We have survived a lot, raised two wonderful daughters, and through it all, I felt that when push came to shove, I could count on you. You would be there for me, and I you. Remember a month ago as your father was dying, he asked me to always take care of you and that is a promise that I will keep. Our vows 29 years ago mean something in a time when so many see them as empty promises.

There is nothing more I would like than to once again recommitted to each other in everyway - heart to heart. But there is a problem I have that only you can help with. I'm hoping you will find it in your heart to help me get through this.

When we discussed the now infamous Beach trip where you admitted to a ONS I looked you in the eye and you seemed sincere in answering all of my questions about what happened. As I stated then, I still thought you knew the guys name but told me you couldn't remember. But I let it go, but in my heart I think you know/knew him. But it was so long ago, we weren't married, so I let "sleeping dogs lie." Then, as you know, just a few months ago, I came across the pictures of that very same Beach trip and a couple were taken by a third person. When I showed these to you and asked who took them, you once agsin could not remember, got very quiet, and 15 minutes later, just out of the blue, stated your mother must have taken the shots. Point to note: it could not have been her, she was working that week, she has never centered a photo shot in her life, and why would she take a pic of your friends butt while laying out for a tan. So here's what I need to say. I do love you, I will always take care of you, and we are in it for the long haul. However, there is an empty space in my heart because this story does not add up at. There are many missing pieces that make me think you have not been forthcoming with ALL of the details. And that hurts me to no end because I want to believe you letter to letter. But I cannot with this issue. Maybe this will seem trivial to some given the time lapse, not married, etc.; however, it matters to me. It matters to me that I can look into your eyes and trust you completely. Is that important to you?

Me; At that point it has to rest, either she will admit something then, or maybe later, or not at all. I will not bring it up again.

Obviously this is bothering you a great deal.

I really don't know if it is a great idea to mix it with what you want her to give you for your birthday.

She probably is looking forward to getting or giving you anything but that.

IMO, I think it best to separate the two things.

Keep your birthday separate from this truth.

You asking her this could bring up BAD memories for your wife. She might be lying because it was bad.

She said it was awkward and painful and ultimately confessed to the entire ordeal, or so I thought.

That doesnt sound like a wonderful memory.

Craig, you make a good point about timing. I am definitely working toward it, though. Just minutes ago, I gave her a body massage after a tiring day. And about to suggest we go out for milkshakes (she likey). I want the relationship to be in full smooth mode when I make my speech.

I wasn't going to add this in, but you are completely right about it being a miserable experience for her. She called me later at 3am and woke me with "how do you feel about us and where are we going, etc.) My radar went up, but I was jolted out of a dead sleep and kind of blew it off. See, I have the "damning" details, her on bottom, then her on top. Protected sex... that kind of stuff. Its the name I can't get and it may not make sense, but it bugs me to no end. What could be so bad?

The ONS was a long time ago. What was going on at the time? Was she recently( at that time)out of a relationship? Were there any red flags at that time? How about your male friends at the time, did any of those relationships change after the ONS? Do you suspect anybody?

Toby: These same questions have played out over and over. And at some points, I have asked indirectly. I can't say any relationships changed; but there are these possibilities: 1. She really doesn't remember 2. It IS someone I/we know personally and she thinks it might hurt me, not that this doesn't leave an empty place(he did live nearby as per other details given along the way)3. It is someone she is ashamed to admit being with (maybe she learned he was married).

She called me later at 3am and woke me with "how do you feel about us and where are we going, etc.)

You mean that night 30 years ago?

I think it is best that you leave it until the time is right. Have your birthday and make it fun.

When you feel the time is right, explain to her that you can't live wondering the rest of your life. It is not fair. She is the one that started it by telling you in the first place.

She cannot leave it hanging like this.

Also remember, thinking you know the truth and being right is different than actually hearing the truth from her. It is worse when confirmed.

So just be ready for the worst possible answer. And then work it out from there. And again, you are talking about a long time ago.