My bitch boots are on. I finally found that magical place where I have let go of the outcome of the M. For the first time since D-day, I know that I will be ok even if we D.
I had been trying to tell my H for weeks that we can not keep working opposite schedules. It is not working. My kids get to spend very little time with my H. He works and sleeps. That is all. I, on the other hand, work, come home, cook dinner, play with kids, maybe go swimming, come back, give baths, put kids to bed, clean up the kitchen, do a couple of loads of laundry and got to bed between midnight and 1am. Just to get up at 5:30 am and start over. There are still things that don't get done. Lots of them.
If you know my story, my H's A was with a single co-worker and happened during the night shift at the same job he still works at. She doesn't work there any more. But on D-day, my requirements in order to R were for him to find another job and no more night shifts. He agreed, but never did anything about it.
We have discussed it so many times. I can't live like this. His answer is always, we need the money, we have to get out of debt and then I will stop working nights. Every time he works his usual 6 night stretch, I spiral way down into the rabbit hole, only partially emerging on his days off before he starts all over again. On his days off he is not pleasant and always tired. Sleeps the majority of several days away to "catch up."
So at MC I spelled it out. I told him I can't do it and that if he wants to continue working nights, he certainly can, but we will not be married.
It isn't just the nights. He has been so emotionally detached. When he isn't working, we do stuff together and we have fun, but I feel disconnected from him. He doesn't talk to me about whatever is rolling around in his head. He doesn't try to help me understand his A. We are not on the same team. There is a push/pull taking place. If I am upset about something, H tries to make understand why I should not be upset rather than validate that I have a reason to be upset. He gets defensive. For instance, at MC after I told him what I had to say about the state of our M and what needs to be better, he is angry...he is sitting on the other end of the MC's sofa stewing.
I start to explain how I don't like the fact that he never took the initiative to find another job after he said he would. I explain how when he is at work I think about how he and OW worked there together for over 3 years. They hung out in the break room, in the parking lot sitting in one of their cars after work. I explained how it makes me sick that his co-workers know about his A. It humiliates me. His response, "Do you think that all of that doesn't bother me?!?!?" I said, "Idk, does it? Because I have no idea how you feel about anything!"
MC stopped us there and said to my H, "Right there! That was the perfect opportunity to offer LTL some reassurance and let her know that you are sorry that you blew a bomb up in her life, but instead, you are focused on your own shame, guilt, and pain and it has NO place in this conversation as well as the conversation about money. This conversation is about LTL's pain and what she needs from YOU to heal. It is not a competition over who has the most pain."
After MC he drove around for a while. Came home. Crawled in the bed pulled the covers up and withdrew. I gave him some time and then went in to talk to him. He was crying.
He said, "I took the wind out of his sails and that he thought we were doing pretty well." How the hell could he think that when I have been telling him over and over how I can't keep living like this. He hasn't even been listening. He thinks he is doing the right thing by holding me at arm's length while he works his ass off to get us out of debt. He thought I was ok. What the hell?
I told him that i came to a realization that I have choices and I will be ok with or without him. If he wants our M to work things have got to change. If we divorced right now the only thing that would change is my H would have to spend more time with the kids...yes visitation would be more time than he is with them now... One of us would live somewhere else. And I would get child support. Pretty scary now close we are to D and my H thought things were "good."
I think he understands now and I think he wants to change. I guess we will see.
Thanks for listening!
