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I hired a Private Investigator, and he just confirmed my suspicions about my WS, pictures included. Now I'm stuck on what to do. I will confront WS, and ask her to tell me in her own words what is going on, why, in love with OP, etc. Although evidence came today, I've known for a week now, and its been the worst week of my life. I've had two visits with a therapist, which helped tremendously, but otherwise have told no one. I've come to the decision that I want to attempt to salvage our marriage. The OP also happens to be my WS's boss. WS is very career oriented, and has a high profile job, and I am afraid she will tell me she wants to stay and work on our marriage just to avoid her being embarrassed in her career. Not sure how to believe/trust her.

Original poster here: if it matters, we've been together 11 years, married 7

The saying around here seems to be welcome to the best club no one ever wants to join. It is so true. Someone much better than me will come along shortly with good, solid advice. I just wanted to let you know you'd been heard. Check out the healing library. Don't make any decisions yet about the future of your marriage- your emotions will be allllll over the place; it can be best described as a roller coaster during this time. Take care of yourself. Get to your doctor and have yourself tested for STDs. Continue therapy. Consult an attorney just so you're informed of your rights, even if you think at this point that you want to reconcile with your WW. Stay hydrated and try to eat when you're able.

Hugs

(((9374ABC)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:33 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Abby's right on all counts.

I admire you - you've been able to keep quiet and keep your cool, knowing all along the evidence was coming soon that would substantiate your suspicions of her affair.

I, too, strongly suggest you go to a lawyer.

Knowledge is POWER, OP. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you blow this wide open. Yes, I know you want to reconcile, but it could go in so many possibly different ways and knowing exactly what your rights are and what you could expect if it came to a separation/divorce would be a huge advantage.

Good luck to you.

Personally, I would not say anything to your wife just yet. I would take the evidence to her boss/OP, and tell him he is to break it off with her immediately, with no explanation to her as to why. If he attempts any further contact with her, or if he tells her why he is breaking it off, you will immediately take the evidence to his wife.

I would hide a VAR in your wife's car, and sit back and watch how things unfold. Then, based on what you hear on the recorder, proceed in whatever way you choose.

Is boss married? If so, it is possible that he would drop your WW in order to save his M. From what I've read here, that's very eye opening to WW's . Also, where does boss fit in , in the job hierarchy? If there are higher-ups above him, and OM is not the owner, he could be at risk of being fired. This likewise may cause him to drop WW if you disclose.

If you can keep it together for a little while longer, make time to see an attorney so you know what your options are before you discuss this with your wife. If you can talk with an IC, you might be able to find some grounding. You've been traumatized and making a decision while you're brain is trying to process this hurt is going to be tough. Get the professionals in to help you.

9374,

Welcome to SI. You've been given some great advice - I would definitely see a lawyer so you know all of your options. Knowledge is power. Also, you said:

I've come to the decision that I want to attempt to salvage our marriage.

It takes two to reconcile after infidelity. Hopefully your wife will be on the same page. Have you thought of any conditions for reconciliation (R)? Such as no contact (NC) with AP, complete transparency, individual counseling (IC), marriage counseling (MC), access to all e-mail, cell phones, etc?

R isn't easy. It's a roller coaster from hell for a long time for a lot of folks. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited to add (ETA): Out the boss to his wife. She deserves to know, and exposure means there will be two sets of eyes to make sure they don't take the affair underground.

[This message edited by Tred at 2:08 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

The boss is an idiot. Imagine putting your marriage and job in jeopardy for a little strange. Not to mention handing over your power to AP who could sue if any adverse job actions are ever taken against her.

However, approaching him successfully depends on him never telling WW that you approached him and told him to quit e A immediately or else W would be told. Sort of sounds like blackmail to me.

Besides, you'd be guaranteed a WW still deep in the fog and deeply mourning the loss of the new love of her life. R, your goal, is difficult enough without added layers of complication.

Simply confronting her and giving her the I choice of marriage to you or continued A for her pushes her decision. You can't control it, but at least you'll immediately learn what she is thinking.

Read the Healinf Library and the thread labelled 20/20 Hindsight which by now is probably on page 2. And read those threads marked by targets on the left which are probably on page 2 also by now. They are best for newcomers and summarize the tens of thousands of experiences of those down this road before you.

One final thought. If she is career oriented, tell her hat screwing the boss is not generally a great career move in e profession unless it's who're in a brothhel like Cathouse on HBO..

Good luck with this mess and keep posting.

Thank you to all for the great advice. I think I will indeed consult an attorney before confronting WS.

As per some of the questions, her Boss is married, but at this point I do not want to let his wife know just yet. I don't know her or anything about their marriage. I don't how she would react if at all. They could have an open marriage for all I know. I do know that if we were to try to reconcile, then I don't want someone (OP's wife) who could come in and add more drama then there already is into the situation.

Someone posted that i should confront her Boss. I'm still considering that option, but I don't think it make any difference in helping with reconciliation. It's my wife who needs to own up to her actions and agree to move forward. Her boss breaks it off doesn't automatically fix our marriage or really make me feel any better. The damage has been done.

When I first found out a week ago, I experienced all of the symptoms I've read from others here: nausea, loss of appetite, trouble breathing, knotted stomach. I feel better now. I can eat finally, and can even manage a couple of hours of sleep some nights. Their affair is still on my mind every minute of the day, but I'm feeling more numb than anything. That seems abnormal to me, as if I should be in more pain they way I was when I first found out. The strangest thing is that I'm looking forward to seeing her when she gets back from her fake work trip. I can't understand why, but last weekend, even having learned of the affair just a few days earlier, we had a fun weekend together. I can honestly say I enjoyed being with her even knowing what was going on. That maybe drives me more crazy than anything else- why the hell is it that the one thing that makes me feel better is to be around her?

It is way too early to know if reconciliation is possible. While R may be the ideal situation, it is not possible unless she will be an active participant. Even more so, she will have to lead if a true and successful R is to happen.

You are shell shocked and heartbroken. You will have many many emotions between now and when you eventually heal. R may be the last thing you want a few days, a few weeks or a few months from now. A lot depends on how remorseful she will be and how much she works to make you feel safe.

One thing I must emphasize now is do not come on as a weak spouse willing to do all it takes to win her back, even if that is how you feel now. Read as much as you can from the healing library since knowledge is power. My heart breaks for you.

9374ABC, I experienced the same physical conditions that you're experiencing now. With respect to MY job performance, the lack of sleep and resulting lack of focus were most damaging. I didn't get more than a couple of hours sleep a night until I started taking a kickboxing class. After the first class, I was able to sleep through the night for the first time after PI confirmed my suspicions. I recommend that you do any form of strenuous exercise; it does help. I chose kickboxing because it let me vent my aggression.

Alone is right on about physical exercise. It does not matter what kind. If you are a long distant runner or can do laps at the pool good for you and get on it. I envy those people that can get in an exercise zone. Not me--I was the explosive athlete in my youth who played college ball and enjoyed the explosive rush but hated the endurance stuff. What worked for me was hiking mountains.

Whatever it takes and whatever works for you do it. You will find sleep easier and feel better.

You've had some great advice. Do avail yourself to the Healing Library, post here often. The emotional roller coaster ride is rough. Please speak with an attorney so you know all the options available to you. Glad you are in therapy.

The only other advice I can give, is to listen to her actions, not her words. I found that my WS would throw out a few carrots for me, to keep me entangled. His actions made it crystal clear to me the action I needed to take.

You will hear people tell you that it takes time. That was so hard for me to hear, because the pain was so overwhelming at times. You will find an inner reserve of strength that will carry you through the next few minutes, hours, days and weeks.

I am so sorry that you are here.

9374ABC - I am sorry you are here.

I know this is not easy but you are at a critical point in seeing how this will go forward. It sounds like you have clear evidence but have not confronted yet. It also sounds like you would like to offer R to your WW. I too wanted R after finding out, I think that is an ok position to take but I think it is important to think how you plan to conduct the confrontation with your WW.

I think it is ok to tell your WW you are willing to offer her R but you can not do it being weak or needy. You need to be strong and firm. Think about expectations you have for your WW in order to go foward and make those clear to her. Normally NC is one of these conditions, given that her AP is her boss you need to think about that. You say your WW is very career oriented, how will she feel if one of your conditions is to quit her high profile job?

There are people on SI who have dealt with co-worker A's and they are not easy. I don't think you will be successful in R if he is still her boss. Also don't forget that you have an HR card that you can play on this guy as well.

When presenting your evidence you may not want to tell her all of your evidence. Your WW has lied to you, you have no idea how deep her lies go. You may want to hold back some evidence to help confirm her story. You need to present enough evidence so that she clearly knows that the gig is up though.

Again I am sorry you are here but be strong. You are in the power position though that is hard to see right now given how much she has hurt you. You have evidence and the type of affair you are dealing with has HR consequences for the boss and your WW, they both have much too lose in both careers and family. Be strong and get what you need out of your confrontation.

9374 - It sounds like you are thinking clearly and have some good thoughts. See the lawyer as soon as possible and determine what your rights are and what you should do, such as closing joint accounts.

Because you have no idea how your wife will react or what she and the OM have planned, if anything.

I agree with you that it is up to your wife to own her own stuff. Confronting the boss before you wife is advice I have never heard of before and I think that is just prolonging talking to your wife...which obviously is most important.

Confront your wife soon as you have talked to the lawyer. See what she has to say and how she reacts.

You will then have a much better understanding of the path you should take.

Also, keep documenting everything you can. Texts, VAR if you think that will help and her hours late home from work.

The sooner you confront your wife the better, she might get her own gut feeling that you already know. Which means she could have time to come up with excuses and lies.

It is better to confront them when they have no idea you know. The WS has no time to think of excuses.

ABC- For what it's worth: you sound like a guy who is very together and are handling this most personal trauma exceedingly well. Your strength shows. Starting therapy, hiring a PI and planning to see an attorney to get info are all excellent moves. Here's my 2 cents: inform the OM's wife. As a betrayed spouse myself, I feel for her. She deserves to know. You mention that they may have an 'open marriage'. Maybe so, although I highly doubt it, and in which case she can simply inform you of that fact. Most BS's who at first resist informing the other BS do so because they are afraid of 'pushing' the affair couple closer together, or appearing mean and vengeful and 'not nice'. Examine your reasons for not wanting the TRUTH out there, and the secrets and deception to STOP. I Am pretty sure of one thing: you will have a better position if you have your ducks in a row before confrontation. Legal facts, facts from your PI, a list of immediate changes demanded of your WW (firm NC, full and complete transparency, pack your bags, all truth out now....whatever theses things are for you). Use your strength well. You will have the element of surprise on your side. Also, I would not do much of the talking, ie, do not immediately offer R. Listen to her. Make her talk, make her talk some more, and you do a lot of listening. Best luck, and sorry for your pain.

I think now what I'm most mixed up about is how to handle confronting my WS with the info that I know about her affair. Should this initial confrontation just be a quick talk, like "I know you're sleeping with your boss, and I need some time to think our marriage through" or should I press her right away for as much info as possible- not only about the affair, but also her thoughts on our marriage and her feelings about me?

Sorry you have to go through this trauma...it sucks.

Based on your original post, I feel you are possibly about to make several crucial errors, however.

You seem to be reacting out of fear of losing your M.

I sense this from your fear and excuses for not exposing POS to his BW and at work.

That coupled with your statement about only wanting to be around her tells me that you are terrified she will leave the M if you expose the A and blow it up.

In reality, exposing the A is the BEST chance you have to save the M.

It is imperative you end the A ASAP if you want any chance at R...and the best way to do that is to blow this POS's world up and make the bastard scramble to save his own ass.

He will instantly have to worry about losing both his family and his job...the most likely result will be that he will drop the A with your WW and run while throwing her under the bus.

That's good because it will show your WW what a manipulative loser this POS truly is, rather than the fantasy Mr. Wonderful she sees right now.

Your fear is causing your to view his BW as a potential problem or threat...in fact, she will almost undoubtedly prove to be your biggest ally in ending the A.

Stop thinking and reacting out of fear and start fighting for your M now or you are never going to get a chance for R.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 6:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

I think now what I'm most mixed up about is how to handle confronting my WS

When I had enough evidence, I just looked at my wife and asked her to explain to me about her and so and so.

The look on her face was total shock.

My guess is that if you shock her with the info, that she has no idea you know, do not really expect a mature discussion about the future.

She could be defensive as hell and say all kinds of BS things. Mainly to hide her shock and extreme embarrassment.

I would talk to her then and there, mainly to find out as much as you can, before she has time to warn the OM, before she has time to think up excuses and lies.

But confrontation is usually not the time to calmly discuss the future.

Pick a time when you and her will have a good amount of time to talk without interruption. Tell her you need to talk to her and then just ask her to explain to you what in the hell is going on between her and OM boss.

She might start out saying, nothing is going on. Then you show you SOME evidence at that time, but not all of it.

Tell her you know and lying about it now is a waste of time.

Do not tell her how you know. Keep your avenues open for more snooping later as you probably will need to.

I want to add, let her talk. Try and do all of the listening. When there is a pause, let her continue. Try to learn as much as you can. It can be very hard not to ask 1000 questions. Let her talk. You might consider having a hidden VAR during this confrontation. So as she cannot go back on the things she admits to and says.

Because as time goes on, she might decide not to talk. Or when she tells the OM, he might instruct her not to talk.

Sometimes the initial confrontation is the best time to get important info. You never know how the next days are going to go.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 6:31 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]