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I think most everyone here can relate some to what I'm talking about.I seriously feel like I'm slowly losing what is left of my mind. I knew on dday that my life would never be the same but, I truly didn't understand the fundamental changes that I would undergo as a result of SAWH's massive betrayal. I absolutely feel psychotic at times. There is still an element of shock that the man I slept next to at night and held hands with in church was living a double life and I would never have been prepared to learn about the many women that he paid to have sex with him. I was right there but, he overlooked me obsessed to have sex with disease infested tweekers. Part of me still has trouble dealing with the gravity of it all.

I used to like me. I was kind. I used to trust and believe the best in people. Now I'm cynical, bitter and suspicious. I don't recognize this person I've become. I can be rocking along actually having a pretty decent day when something so small and insignificant pops up and I begin to spiral out of control. Sometimes slowly coasting downhill but, more often than not, it's like an explosion. It just feels like there is no stopping it. My heart pounds until I think I can feel the veins in my neck bulge out and awful, hurtful things spew from my mouth that I'm instantly embarrassed or ashamed of myself for saying. Ive kicked doors and slammed cabinets so hard I couldn't believe they didn't splinter. I'm sporting a bruise on my arm right now as the result of slamming my wrist against the door in a blind fit of rage while throwing his clothes out of my bedroom. I'm not even sure I remember what ignited the fire. This isn't an everyday occurrence but, even at once every couple or three weeks it leaves my head spinning and I'm struggle to right myself again.

This is SO far from who I am. I am strong. I have survived every parents worst fear in losing my six year old daughter to a brain tumor. I watched a perfectly healthy 5 year decline into an invalid before she finally died in under nine months. I lived through it and, actually learned how to be happy again but, I can't seem to console myself now. I still can't believe that this is where I've spent my life getting to. Where is that happily ever after stuff I've heard so much about?

I'm admittedly a little high strung but, always professional and tempered when at work but, when I go home the gloves come off. I have invested the last 37 years of my life into a marriage that ultimately feels like it has finally flatlined even tho WH has tried harder than he ever has. I think its just too little too late. He was living two separate lives and I'm doing good to be able to deal with one.

So much disappointment, sadness, resentment all balled up into a fireball of rage. My thoughts are fragmented and I can't remember what happened yesterday much less last week. I'm worn out and just need be reminded that being re molded and transformed into a new person is painful but, hopefully, will make all the difference is going forward.

This spilt personality is getting the best of me. That other woman that is sharing my body with me really needs to go.

I'm not sure if i can offer any comfort. I was just googling the words, " anger issues". because i am in the same place. I feel sometimes that it, this anger, rage, is an actual thing that now lives inside of me.

Had 3 yrs of IC and it hasn't helped with this.

I lost a little baby boy 34 yrs ago and IC suggested that grief i'd never dealt with may complicate my emotions.

Do you feel that may be a part of it for you?

Oh, outtanowhere, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.

I wish I had some wisdom...all I can say, is I am so damn sorry . Losing a child I just cannot imagine the pain of that.

And then this, the betrayal.

I understand how you feel on that. I don't feel like myself either. I get angry now, I am so impatient now, I just don't feel like me. I have to fight to keep myself in control.

Happily ever after, I get that too. I used to tell my stbxwh, "if I had to go through all this pain to get to life with you,it was worth it".

It seems to me there should be a limit to the pain in ones life, a quota. When it is reached, enough, just enough.

I could just feel the pain in your words. I wish I could help in some way.

I can only hope that you have someone in real life to hold onto, to reach out to.

I am just feeling your pain and wish I could do something to ease it.

(((((outtanowhere))))

Thank you both for just listening. I have a very strong network of friends and family but, I'm not ready yet to reach out to them with this. It just make it all seem so final when people know what's going on.

Mindisgone-im sorry for your loss too. Losing my daughter was the hardest mountain ive ever climbed.....until now. I have been able to deal with it and have a peace that she is in a better place although I will never be able to understand why as long as I live. Thats part of the problem here I think. Its insane to me that there is absolutely no rational explanation for things that can be so devastating. Some things will just never make sense.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:08 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]

I understand completely. I just cannot not control my anger. It hits out of nowhere. My WH says it is because I cannot accept the A. I am 3 years post DD and I am still bitterly angry and I cannot see a time when I won't be. Isn't that just terrible? I feel exactly like you do. The more I read the more I believe that this betrayal by a someone you loved and trusted is so much more damaging to the self than is imaginable and the depth of it reveals itself as time goes on and manifests itself in these sudden dark bursts of violent anger.

It is awful arias. The ripples from all of this are far reaching for sure and, I feel like I have to be able to sort it out and put it away for my own sanity. I just haven't found anything that has really helped me yet.

outtanowhere,

Today I spent an intense session with a psychiatrist. Previously I was seeing a therapist but it wasn't doing any good at all. I am much like you - angry and can't seem to control it. Crying jags that leave me exhausted. I gave up on the therapist about 6 weeks ago because she actually said my husband didn't cheat on me because he had an emotional affair instead of a physical one. WTF??? I have been thinking I need medication but already take an anti-depressant so just figured I needed to "feel" all this and move on. BUT....Monday afternoon I found myself in the fetal position on the floor in our closet and knew I had to get some help. I knew something was wrong with me - really wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm living outside my body, like none of this is happening, like I'm truly disassociated with my body and life.

So, in meeting with an actual psychiatrist today I was diagnosed with "Disassociative Trauma Disorder with Emotional and Conduct Imbalance." This is directly related to my husband's EA and the resulting devastation to our marriage. It is much like PTSD but with PTSD there is typically a death involved.

It sounds like perhaps this is what has happened to you. I don't know if you have an IC but they cannot prescribe medicine and may not be able to provide you with the level of care you need if this is what has happened to you. Please find a licensed psychiatrist to help.

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. You are a strong woman - the loss of a child is devastating and you are still standing. God bless you and comfort you.

I feel the same way. I tried to talk to my husband today, and promised that I wouldn't blow up. Unfortunately this did not happen. I cried, I came with snarky comments, and i ended up throwing mulch all over the place in frustration. My husband is still BS'ing (after 8 mths since DD) and this is so infuriating. Yes, I was devastated to find out that my husband had a girlfriend at work. But knowing that he still won't admit everything that went on drives me nuts.

Today i started the ball rolling for the divorce, and now, when he's coming with stupid excuses, I know that, not too far in the future, I won't be associated with him anymore, and that's a huge relief. This mad rage is part of me for the moment, but hopefully, when this traumatic chapter of my life closes, the rage will disappear too.

Thank you but, I don't feel strong. I feel like a hot mess and an emotional wreck. I have been in IC since dday but, I'm feeling the need for a switch. Thanks for the suggestion to see a real psychologist. Amazingly, I hadn't even thought of that! I knew that I would get great feedback from this place!

This mad rage is part of me for the moment, but hopefully, when this traumatic chapter of my life closes, the rage will disappear too.

I think you are right about this. Sadly, it's taken me a year and a half to come to this conclusion. I guess I just had to know if this was really a deal breaker. I'm afraid it was. So many years just flushed down the toilet.

outtanowhere,

Make sure you see a psychiatrist. They are the only mental health people that can prescribe drugs. A psychologist cannot.

You are strong believe me. I didn't think I was either. My psychiatrist told me today I AM strong. Just because I'm a hot mess, emotional, angry, and in terrible pain that doesn't mean I'm not strong. She said all my feelings are normal and expected, and that I need to realize that being devastated isn't a sign of weakness.

Hang tough. I know how I feel after 18 years of marriage and having this happen. I can't imagine having in 37 years and have it happen. WTF is wrong with these people?????

WTF is wrong with these people?????

God, I wish I knew! The insanity of it all is mind bending isn't it?

I feel a bit the same, things hit out of the blue and they are so overwhelming and intense.

I hate the person I have become and I fear I will never get back to the person I once was.

Sorry double post

[This message edited by stunnedmullet at 7:14 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

I don't even want to be the same person I was. There were things about me that really needed to change but, being grown into a tornado of negative emotions wouldn't have been my choice. I keep thinking about the whole "iron sharpens iron" and how beautiful jewels only became that way after going thru an intense fire.

That's what I'm hoping for. I want to have a better version of me. Sadly, I think there will need to be more hurt and pain before that happens so I get somewhat depressed about that. I'm getting very close to 60 years old, have worked for 35 years and I now find myself in bankruptcy. Long story but, when I clear that hurdle I'm fairly sure the next one will be D. Long, long way to go yet....I could use some prayers

oh man, can I relate. I just, literally JUST, posted about the same thing in the R forum. I am dissociative and this rage just comes out of no place at all. The slightest frustration and I instantly go from calm and happy to a screaming banshee. And it's when I'm by myself. For whatever reason, if my FWH is here and sees me starting to go there, he's able to diffuse it with a word or a hug. But when I'm myself, I shatter things, I scream until I'm hoarse, I'm like a crazy woman.

I don't like this "me" very much.

I can completely relate to how you're feeling right now. It's like I can't control my emotions. So now, I'm not only faced with the realization that I don't truly know who my husband is, I'm also faced with the shock that I don't know who I am anymore either.

I cry, scream, get angry, withdrawn, and I don't enjoy the things I used to. And this week, I've been tempted to pursue a revenge affair. Very tempted. I know deep down that I'd never do it, but it's even shocking to me that I've seriously considered it.

Side note, I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I watch my best friend go through this years ago, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. I can't even imagine.

*hugs!!*

I'm right there with you, outta. I say it often, to myself, my WH and my IC: this is not me! This is not who I am, and not who I want to be! I know I will never be the same, but I don't want to stay the way I am right now. I have to believe that the best bits of the old me are still locked inside the crazy woman and will return to me.

Like you and m.i.g, I also lost a child and lived through it, only to be floored by betrayal. In some ways, I think this hurts more. My son's death was was a fluke, a twist of fate. The betrayal was a deliberate choice by my WH.

Hang on and believe it will get better.

Kersplat, that's how I feel. It was easier to reconcile her death because it was cruel act of fate. Although it hurt it wasn't what you would call a purposeful act meant to cause me pain. I don think my SAWH thought he was hurting me. That sack o' shit believed what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me! Dumb ass!!

I totally get how you feel. My husband was with 40+ sex workers. I get it. It is very difficult to wrap your head around many things -- how could he do this? OMG, SO MANY WOMEN! How could I not know? How can I possibly stay with him? Etc etc etc. I felt like I needed to be hospitalized from the trauma of discovery.

I am on year 4. Year one was a blur. Years two & three were very, angry, red hot rage years. I said and thought things that I would never before. I constantly played mind movies in my head. I was nauseous around him. Could not look him in the eye.

Over the last 6 months I have come to realize that (for me), my anger has served a purpose: it protects me from getting hurt again. If I stay angry, I can't get close -- so he can't hurt me.

He has not acted out. He attends SAA mtgs, IC & MC. He is doing everything he can to be a better man. He IS is different man now. But I cannot get past what he did. The number of women. The risks he took. The lies. The humiliation I feel.

You are NOT psychotic. You most likely have PTSD. You are still grieving. No one knows about my situation except my best friend. I feel like my husband that I knew has died, I am grieving, and nobody knows. You need to feel this pain now to get to the other side. I promise it will get better. You are NOT crazy. You have survived so much already. I wish I could give you a big hug and just sit and cry with you.