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I found out on December 22nd that my wife was texting her boss throughout the day. Unfortunately if was my daughter that found the texts. Nothing was sexual, just kinda "how was your day dear" stuff. Well, I got into detective mode, and looked up her text history online the next day.

Hundreds and hundreds of texts during the day at work, during the evening, late at night Fri-Sat(while I was sleeping(then she slept most of the day sat and sun). Dug further...this started a weekend while I was out of town with my son for a college football game. It continued, and even happened while the whole family was at my brothers for another game two weeks late (late night texts)

I confronted here with all of this the day after Christmas. "We are just friends, its not physical, etc, yada, yada, yada.

A month later, check the phone online again, late night texts, even one when I made dinner and she went upstairs for some quiet tv time. That one incenses me. I blow up again. She stops texting except for work related stuff during the day (weekends only )

I can't and have never read any of the texts from Nov/Dec/Jan. Don't know how to retrieve them. It is driving bat shit and whenever I hear his name (when it affects my life, like vacation plans) I blow up. Had a guess a "trigger" last Friday.

Last night, as we are going to bed, she makes a snide comment: I had to text "boss" at work today cause he was late for our meeting" I replied okay, not checking anyway. Hers, I know you are.

Now she can get work email on her phone too. Just had IT do it for her.

Thoughts?

Sorry you're here.

Definitely smells like an EA to me, possibly more. The outright disrespect and lack of boundaries reminds me of my STBX. You state that you cannot retrieve text messages, but is there anyway to install keystroke logger on her phone? I thought about doing that with my STBX's iPhone(who's sending 100's of texts to OM) but figured in my case it wasn't even worth it. His loss, my gain. Headed for D.

Hi imalive- Her actions are very suspicious. I suggest she gets another job if she wants to regain your trust. Period. Sending good vibes your way.

A voice-activated recorder in her car for a week should give you all the answers you need.

How come you can't see the texts? She deletes? Refuses to let you see them? Or you haven't asked?

She rarely talks on the cell with with him, almost all texts..... they texts have all been deleted, don't know how to retrieve them, if it is even possible. Hell, my 16 year old S shows me how to use I phone I have...lol. I forgot one thing. I recently sent her and a friend of ours to Orlando for Memorial Day weekend. She got a toe ring. She texted a pic to him before she texted to me. Really? Major league pissed me off. I go weeks without thinking about it, but then bang, a trigger?

Remove the question marks from your topic title. There is no doubt this is an EA -- at the very least. Time to shift into BH mode and start aggressive detective work to find out exactly what's going on.

Since all the personal texts have stopped so suddenly..and her blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings...I think it's highly possible she has another phone.

Get the VAR...hide it in her car..you'll know within 24 hours, most likely.

Im sorry.

Also..it sounds physical..they see each other every day. And, again, the disrespect for you as her husband is a big red flag.

There are people on here that know a great deal about getting to deleted texts. I think there is software that can also be used.

The VAR in the car and snoop as much as you can...this is in the category of an affair and is certain an EA and if not it could turn into an PA.

Is this OM married?

The reason I say EA for sure and possible a PA is your wife's attitude towards you. If it was just nice texts without real feelings, she wouldnt have the crappy attitude with you.

She is in the fog of this affair and needs to be snapped out of it.

Quitting her job would do nicely.

But you do need to find a way to get those deleted texts, if possible. Because now she knows you look and she knows you know. That means that they will take this affair underground and make it much more difficult for you to see anything.

Look around (everywhere) the house for any types of letters, gifts. Look at her checking and credit card accounts for anything unusual.

Look in her car for the same things and possibly a cheap cell phone. Check her facebook account if she has one.

There are software packages that kinda act like a keylogger for phones in that it intercepts all SMS incoming and outgoing and sends it to a separate server, and the same with call information. There are also SMS backup apps that will automatically back up texts (although I've only seen the words 'texts received' on them). I'm not sure these would be useful in this case because the personal texts have "stopped". That means some other mode of communication be it another phone or some either app on her phone. Does she still spend as much time tapping away at her phone?

Like others here said, it's definitely an EA. I would say the possibility that it's progressed to a PA is fairly strong (texting a pic of the pinky ring to her boss first?). The snide remark just seems to almost be challenging you, or something.

You're going to have to do some sleuthing. First, take some deep breaths. Practice that, you'll need it to help your sanity. Learn to trust your gut. Quite often that's your subconscious picking up on signal your conscious mind misses. If your gut says something's wrong. Stop, take some deep breaths, and start examining what is around you. Is the passenger seat back further than normal. Is there a hair on the seat that doesn't match a family member etc.

You'll have to be pleasant whilst you watch her behaviours. You're looking for patterns. Does she sit in the car for a few minutes after she arrives home, or before she leaves. Start helping her by putting away her clothes. Does she get tense when you go near certain places. The patterns will be there you just have to notice them.

We've all been in (or near) your situation. Worry is unproductive thought and panic is unproductive action. Just try to Focus, and observe. It's going to take all of your willpower (and then some). When you think your crazy, just look at all of us. Yes, we're crazy, but we were being driven there.

I'm sorry you have to be here and go through this. It's a hard thing, but you're stronger than it is. I know because you made it here. So learn to breathe, and learn to watch, listen, and feel what's around you. And then remember to breathe again (it's really important).

DBW

[This message edited by Not.the.Big.Easy at 6:29 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

To all, thank you for your replies. Shes home now, had a rough day, bitched about work (and him if that matters, studying now. She decided to get a Masters without telling me. hmmmm. Been chief cook and bottle washer for a month.

Did take her to the Bahamas a couple of weeks ago. Really felt closer to her than I had in long time, then back to reality. Don't know, but my gut tells me something, not sure what. I may be in denial, but I think her "position" at work and his is going to her head. Me, just have my company, and without the bonus, make $25K more than she does. I am to a point that just being around her here at home is hard. Perhaps I need to talk to someone, but I am the strong silent type. Had to be the one to hold up both older and younger bros when pop died, then hold moms hand for four years til she passed too....

Don't know, but my gut tells me something, not sure what.

Ignore this at your peril. I have been continually amazed how right my gut has been and how wrong my mind and heart have been. Start snooping. Think about GPS and VAR and all that stuff. Look for discrepancies.

Sucks, but you gotta find out what the real deal is.

imalive, your story is how my story started, but not how it ended. Because I did not stop the EA that started with inapproriate texting and violation of boundaries, d-day #1. I did not listen to my gut, and I did not confront my wife when I had concerns. As a result, we are now trying to R after her 2-3 year PA.

There is good advice here. Please take action now. To stop the EA you need NC, thus IMHO your wife needs a new job!

EA for sure...possible it is far more.

Crush this A ASAP.

Inform POSOM's BW or gf (if he has one)

Expose the A to both your families and all friends.

Inform HR at her job....direct supervisor in a relationship with subordinate...against the rules in any business/organization I've ever heard of.

Give evidence of late night and weekend convos....there is simply NO work related excuse for these...they prove the inappropriate nature of the relationship.

Inform her she will take a poly to determine the extent of the A or you will immediately file for D.

HR at their company isn't going to do squat. It's not HR's job to police individuals based on a spouse's suspicions. Secondly, if these two are using their own personal phones for all this communication, there's not a thing HR can do. If they're company owned phones and these two are abusing the phones for their private nonsense, that's about the ONLY reason HR would get involved.

Don't take this to HR - it's not their problem.

Your wife sounds like a very selfish, self centered, self absorbed spoiled little brat. I hate to say it, but it sounds kind of like she rules the roost and does what she wants and you silently suffer and pick up the pieces behind her. Unfortunately, women see this type of passive behavior in men as a sign of weakness and will tend to lose respect for them - and that's exactly what you're describing is the situation at home. You're just a convenient means to an end - you'll pick up the slack so she can have some 'quiet time' watching TV. Good God, I guess her workday puts quite a strain on her - what with texting the boss all day, and all.

Stop catering to her. Just freakin stop it. Stop being so damned willing to do everything in order for her to continue being selfish, lazy, and self absorbed. She doesn't appreciate any of it.

STOP DOING IT!

You need to get tough, Imalive. She's steamrolling you because she can.

Hi imalive, this is not just a friendship this is definitely an EA if not a PA. If it is an EA stop it before it gets to a PA. I made the mistake of being trusting and naive I knew my H and the OW were talking online and on the phone, she was a friend, so I thought it was all aboveboard. Until one day DD called me at work and told me that dad has been talking to the OW for hours on the phone the last few days. When I questioned him about any phone calls he said no one had called. He was being evasive. His moods were up and down and then before Dday he had almost completely stopped speaking to me and I had no idea why. He was angry and it was all directed at me, as if I had done something.

Dont fall for act of WS bitching about the OP, my WH did that as well but now i know it was just to throw me off track. Ask a friend to help you set up things to monitor her.

Also he would constantly walk around the house with the phone when she called just so I couldnt hear what they were discussing, of course I did finally realise that was the reason. I did ask him one day how she managed to call when he was home because he works on a rotating roster and his closest friends cant work out when he is home and he said it was just a fluke. Ha that was bulls.... Do whatever you need to do to find out what is really going on.

It is so sad that we cannot trust the ones we love.

"HR at their company isn't going to do squat. It's not HR's job to police individuals based on a spouse's suspicions."

If POS is her boss and direct superior, then HR will definitely take action....they will investigate if he provides his evidence of middle of the night conversations and weekend texting marathons.

HR at some companies may not involve themselves with co-workers who are peers or do not have a direct supervisor/subordinate work situation....but EVERY one I know will seriously look into boss/subordinate allegations because of the massive legal ramification from other workers who sue alleging issues such as favoritism in assignments, evaluations effecting promotions, etc.

I have never heard of a business,government agency, school district, etc that does not have SPECIFIC rules that forbid such a relationship.

My dad was a union rep for the grocery industry...the were so strict that even allegations of legitimate dating (not just affairs) between ANY employees in a store mandated at minimum a transfer of at least one of the lovers, and if the investigation uncovered even the appearance of favoritism or other improprieties, it was grounds for termination.

And I have read many threads on several sites where a direct boss/subordinate A led to the termination of at least the supervisor, though sometimes both were fired.

So I think you are very mistaken in your advice to OP given the nature of the work situation.

Likelihood is at least boss gets shitcanned if investigation reveals active A, and a transfer if it shows inappropriate and unprofessional interaction.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 5:26 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]

One reason why companies usually act when a supervisor/underling relationship is disclosed has to do with sex discrimination liability risk. If the underling is fired, demoted or otherwise affected, they might sue based on retaliation or other form of discrimination. The added fact the the company was "put on notice" of an inappropriate relationship heightens the risk if the company does not act.

First of all, I'm sorry, this is a lousy thing to have to go through. You will feel both better and worse once you know the truth. Better because your doubts are gone and everything she has been doing finally makes sense, and worse because, well, at a minimum, you will know for sure that she's been lying to you. Every time she deletes a text, every time she omits telling you something, it is a lie.

I know this is all new to you, but this is like some cheesy TV movie to me, and probably a lot of the others posting here who have already been through similar, if not damn near identical, to what you are going through now. Seen it all before, and the ending is NOT going to be a big surprise for me or them.

She rarely talks on the cell with with him, almost all texts.....

The voice-activated recorder (VAR) is low-tech enough for you to use. The VAR will catch them both together in the car, if that's what's happening. May also catch her confiding in one of her friends over the phone. Or may catch her talking to him. Give it a try.

they texts have all been deleted, don't know how to retrieve them, if it is even possible.

Have you asked her not to delete them? If not, that's the first step. Ask her not to delete them. Make sure the VAR is in place first.

I forgot one thing. I recently sent her and a friend of ours to Orlando for Memorial Day weekend.

Tell us a little more about your relationship with your wife. Does she like to go away without you?

She got a toe ring. She texted a pic to him before she texted to me. Really? Major league pissed me off. I go weeks without thinking about it, but then bang, a trigger?

Did you ask her why she texted a pic to him before you? If not, why not? Does she know you're major-league PO'd? What is her reaction to you being upset by it?

She decided to get a Masters without telling me. hmmmm.

Even if she's not cheating on you (chances range between slim to none), she seems to have disconnected from you. What are her complaints with you?

To all who have replied to my post. Thank You! It has been a tough six plus months to be sure. I took some advice off of other posts, focused on me today. Finished some work early this am,worked in the yard (which I enjoy) and needed to work off some stress. Yard looks GREAT btw... lol. Have basically blown her off today. Tomorrow (by design) taking her car to get washed and detail it and as MHCA and others suggested, I will search the interior and trunk for phone, etc.

I feel better just having gotten all this out and I appreciate your feedback.

BTW: While she may think she rules the roost, I only let her think that. I hold the most of the dollar cards in our marriage so she will need her job. Way I am now, she can either be here or not, that is where I got to last night

Going to play golf tomorrow! Have only played 4 times in the past year and I am in business! Excited but will prob play bad... oh well

imalive,

I'm glad to see that you're doing well. I'm going to be bluntly honest with you. Your wife is doing something wrong and while you're taking her car to the wash you'd be best served by dropping a var in there tucked away. If your gut is telling you something is up then you need to investigate hard before your life comes completely unwound. My gut told me something was up but I didn't want it to be true and my wife hid so well but the signs were all there.

People don't delete their text logs on a regular basis unless there is material that would get them busted. Does your wife take a lunch to work with her? If not is there evidence of an expenditure on your debit/credit cards? The reason I ask is because the boss may be taking her out all the time. It's worth investigating. Take a day off and rent a car. Watch her at her work around lunch time and see who she goes with. My wife was never gone when she wasn't supposed to be except while I was busting my ass at work she was busy working off some steam with this other asshole.

If you value holding the upper hand then you need to make her think you're playing golf and watch her. I just don't want her getting away with with anything. It's abuse and not tolerable. I may sound a little obsessive but you may be able to bust her before she's actually done anything physical. Imagine finding out that the day you went to play golf was the day she decided to meet the other man at a hotel for the first time? You can play golf later because you're at war right now whether you know it or not. My advice is simply that. Take what you need and can the rest or don't take any at all it's up to you. Best of luck to you.