SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anybody here have experience with polyamory? PM me if you're uncomfortable talking in an open forum. (Is that okay, Mods? If not, I apologize in advance of your killing this thread.)

XWH tried to take us in this direction.

I will only say that unless both parties are fully onboard, it will not work.

I did not sign up for an open marriage/polyamory.

He saw it as a way to have other women with "permission". Obviously I'm not married to him anymore.

My wife and I considered it for a time. It was during our HB phase after my A. We met many people who made it work.. and some others that did not.

In the end we realized that it was not something we would be interested in.

What I can say is this. Those that did make it work did not arrive at the poly lifestyle through one partner cheating on the other. It was discussed openly before anyone engaged in the activity and they were NO secrets. No hidden e-mails or phones or deleted texts or emails. Those that made it work did not jump right in either. They took it slow.. gently prodding boundaries to find their comfort level. It is simply impossible to have this work without incredible trust.

Without trust.. don't even consider it.

[This message edited by Maxiom at 10:10 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

I think it's something that makes more sense before an affair, and only if both parties were interested in it without coercion. It takes a lot of communication and trust, from what I understand.

I couldn't do it. There's too much competition for kinetic energy with our species even in a monogamous relationship. (Anthro classes bubbling back up...)

Without trust.. don't even consider it.

Exactly that. I've no first hand experience but what I've read on it and heard anecdotally from those in it.. open communication, expectations, and agreement from the beginning.

Sometimes extremely loosely defined, sometimes extremely specific.

But never as an outcome from or response to infidelity.

That's how my WH's affair started - two polyamorous "friends" who decided that my husband needed to be in a poly marriage but didn't feel the need to inform me about this or get my consent.

I also had a best friend in college/young adulthood who had her life absolutely wrecked by a serious boyfriend and a group of friends who got into polyamory. She was a very intelligent, normal, sane young woman before meeting up with them, and it took her 5 years to heal from the experience. She is now 40 and still has never married, and I think it is partially due to what happened with that experience - she doesn't trust partners enough to commit in that way.

Although I have known ethical people in open marriages who made it work, I will personally never allow anybody in this lifestyle to get close to me again. IMO, a lot of broken and manipulative people are attracted to alternative sexual lifestyles, and it can be difficult to tell who is honest and who is putting on a facade in an effort to undermine your marriage for their own purposes. For me, it's not worth the risk.

And I definitely agree with the poster who said that becoming polyamorous as a way to address infidelity is a particularly bad idea.

ON EDIT: I also wanted to add that poly is in no way a talisman against future infidelity, because it is completely possible to cheat in a poly relationship. All relationships have boundaries, even open ones (e.g., use condoms, tell me if you have a date, don't do X thing in bed because that's just for us). Someone who can't meet boundary expectations in a monogamous marriage may not be able to meet expectations in a poly relationship either. There are poly people on SI who are here because their partner broke whatever agreements they had. For example, I remember reading a post by one member who said that the one and only requirement in her poly marriage was that her husband tell her when he was with someone else. Guess what he did? He snuck around with someone for months and lied about it. He could have done anything he wanted with the OW with his wife's blessing if he just told her about it, but instead he spent extra time and energy to be deceptive instead.

It's a misconception to think that affairs are all about the need to have sex with someone else, or that infidelity could be "cured" by allowing a partner to just go do that. One of the things you learn pretty quickly lurking in the wayward forum is that many of the reasons why a wayward cheats have nothing at all to do with sex - some want ego kibble, some are acting out FOO issues, some are having midlife crises, some people get off on deception and secrecy. Opening the marriage won't solve any of these issues, but instead is likely to make some of them worse.

Just my opinion. Other people's mileage may vary.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 7:01 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

Asking for polyamory after having an affair is a lot like trying to call your truck a boat after driving into a lake.

Before you try it you need to get out of the lake, dry yourself completely and work out what alterations need to be done before attempting a clear, intended and defined drive into the lake again. Most likely a different lake.

We discussed it for years before the A. But in the end, he was unwilling, or unable to give me what I would need to feel safe in such a relationship. He couldn't be open and honest. He couldn't garuntee safe sexual practices. So he had the A instead.

Not a solution to anything in my opinion, except maybe boredom. Want some drama? Open up that relationship! Most of us can't even handle one person at a time, well.

I love Bigger's analogy -- nailed it.

My own affair was with a polyamorous "friend" and her husband was complicit. During the EA, there was talk of speaking to my BW about opening up our marriage. My AP and her husband seemed think the outcome of the talk with my BW was pre-ordained because their philosophy mandates that you can't restrict who other people want to be with despite the preaching about consent. Apparently consent only applies to body parts, not members of a relationship. Anyway, that talk never happened because we crossed the line to PA first. Instead, shortly after my first confession and botched attempt at no contact, my APs husband verbally attacked my wife for her lack of empathy. He used a lot of poly community terminology in that attack.

Yeah, now that my head is out of my rear end, I can't accept the thought process that my BW would just have to accept my choices. Relationships require huge investments and trust. Anything that weakens trust or takes resources out of your marriage is a risk. Emotional and sexual investment outside of the marriage pulls from the finite resources that any human has to offer. Even so called attachment-free sex takes time away from the marriage, creates chances for STDs and pregnancy and paves the path for emotional bonding outside of the relationship.

I'm going to stop here because I'm deviating from the thread.

My WW suggested an open relationship during false R. The reason was to get permission to continue her ongoing secret affair, not because of any legitimate interest in that lifestyle.

Only now do I realize that "what about an open marriage" is code for "I'm cheating and I want to feel better about it."

My best friend is in a polyamory relationship. She has been dating a married couple for about 5 years now, lives with them, everything. I am pretty knowledgeable about the relationship. If you have any questions, I am more than happy to help answer them.

Only now do I realize that "what about an open marriage" is code for "I'm cheating and I want to feel better about it."

True story. When my FWW brought it up, I smiled and thought...wow... cool! Not knowing she was already involved behind my back. It was destructive.

That is rather terrible of that guy NGU. I almost wonder if this guys wife was herself bullied into the lifestyle.

This has more to do with the individual rather than a representation of the whole community. The majority of people in the poly and fet communities are themselves striving to be accepted and to not feel shame for their lifestyle choices. They are usually the LAST people you would ever expect to be judgmental of other peoples choices and preferences within a consensual sexual relationship. Yes.. this does mean that the community will generally refrain from judging those who are actively engaged in an affair. However, the majority of couples in the lifestyle do not want any drama. Which means while not openly criticizing, they will avoid them like the plague.

JustForgave, I sent you a PM.

Maxiom,

to answer your question, no, she was not bullied into the lifestyle. We knew them for years and she and her husband were active and influential in the local poly/kink scene. They were not outliers in that community. Their lifestyle was not a big deal until I started looking for ego-kibble and she was willing to shovel it across my porous boundaries.

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 2:37 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

The whole thing that makes it work, being swingers, having an open marriage, all that stuff is being completely and totally transparent, and having clear boundaries that both partners abide by. Anything less than that has disastrous results.

Starting in the Lifestyle, after an A, is not healthy, and will also lead to disaster.

I have a fair amount of experience directly with polyamory, from the inside.

You are welcome to PM me.