It's the sort of evil that FEELS threatening to my soul.
Yes, Wabisabi...it is. This is spritual war-fare. The FACT is ALL marriages are under attack. How often I have thought that adultery is the weapon of mass destruction in this war. It has been used in each of our marriages (SI members). Prior to this...there was small-arms fire from each spouse (and unrecognized FOO wounds), but this is war at a whole new level.
Ironic thing is I never thought my M was in a battle. Was actually quite proud of what we had. Felt as safe as my own coping mechs would allow me to.
Truth is, our M was in danger from the begining. We were blind to that fact. Blind...but we still felt pain from unresolved wounding from our lives BEFORE we even met each other. These illusive influences limited what our M could be, what God intends for ALL marriages to be.
For that illusive pain we had "medics on the field" with us as we used false-intimacies to make the wounds less painful (and keeping us from healing wounds of our childhood that affected us profoundly)...which worked for the small arms fire we sustained as we did M as best as we knew how. But these "medics" (coping skills) were no match for the destruction adultery ushered in. They DID keep our insecurities hidden from others and largely hidden from us. We sometimes used these external, false intimacies to "prove" we were as we WANTED to be....keeping us from being authentic. "Circular reasoning".
We didn't know our M was under attack. We took each other for granted....kinda realized somethign was missing but rationalizing away any real, authentic, intentional restorative efforts with the dreadful rationale of "we were better than most".
We DID do M better than our parents.....but floating at the top of a septic tank doesn't mean you aren't still in an unhealthy spot. KWIM?
God is referred to as "the great physician" and "the great counselor". We never invited Him into our lives to perform what only He can do.
Ignorance and fear were the big players in that decision....and a lack of inviting God into our M. He loves us so much he gives us free will...even though we sometimes use it to hurt ourselves and others. We must ask Him for help before He will provide it. Rare occasions....miracles do happen. I have prayed for miracles....thus far they have NOT materialized as I wanted them too!
BUT, I have been blessed by this trial and my stumbles on my own personal journey......have not yet gotten to the "rejoice in everything" spot, but getting closer with each new stumble and subsequent forward movement.
Your welcome TotalEclipse....that peace that surpasses all understanding? Yep, I have felt that several times over the past 2 years...often times in the bottom of a pit! Ironic. or is it?
My pastor contends this.....
--when I "loose" that peace it is because I took my eyes off God. I do for two main reasons. Selfishness (wanting what I want when I want it). Fear (not trusting God to be there for me, so I take matters into my own hands....ties into my CoD tendencies as it pertains to "control"). Once this happens and I find myself at the bottom of a pit....I reach the end of myself and can either accept this is who I am or I can look up and KNOW that God has a better plan than I do.
Whatever the reason....I am a man that must stumble in order to move forward.
--God does not turn away from me....I turn away from him. Or I hide from Him. Sin blocks my relationhip with God. It is something to be so comfortable in sin so as not to recognize it as such.
I am blessed to have 3 christian men in real life with whom I can fellowship with. Each from different "religions". Like you my goal is to be a christian, not a religious person. I was raised Catholic....first 8 years of school were in a Catholic grade school. Had religion each day of the week...always believed in God but never walked with Him. KWIM?
My pre-A M, pre-A life was noticeably lacking with regards to involving God in it. My childhood taught me that I can trust no one and that connecting with people on an intimate level will cause you extreme pain. I projected my experience in childhood into all of my relationships. I am just now realizing this.....
I did a lot of healthy, good things in my life...in my M. But I consistently stopped short of full authenticity. My fear has been if people really knew me they would abandon me. This is what I percieved happened in my FOO. Keep in mind that single statement was not known by me until after my wifes affair and PLENTY of introspection and prayer! And I am STILL learning about myself....am learning to sit with my feelings and dig deeper to see what really is driving me. For 30 years my first reaction was to defend myself. I NOW see the healthy choice is to....be vulnerable. To God first (who already KNOWS all of me, but I foolishly thought I could hide from him too), and then to my wife.
It is scary...to expose yourself to a person who has proven to be able to hurt you so deeply. It is equally scary to admit you have hurt your wife deeply.
Hiding from oneself???????????
This moment of faith has me turning towards God, has me desiring to live righteously...and has humbling experiences almost daily as I do this!!!
I am truly better than I deserve.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:04 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]