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I was foolish. I emailed my stbxww and broke NC. I did this a few days ago and again yesterday. I had a really rough night. I know it was absolutely foolish of me and opened myself up for more pain, and I got it. I emailed her about what she had recently done and how it hurt deeply. For anyone that doesn't know the story it was about her texting me a tattoo she got to remind her of me. It hurt like hell and I tried to explain to her what it did to me. She did not like my honesty. I was in a really dark place. I was triggering with a lot of things that late night. A lot of things from my past, my stbxww, and my future. I even started contemplating suicide again. It is hard when certain things align in my life not to go there. It is hard not allowing depression to cloud reality. And it is especially hard not to listen to all the lies your depression tells you. I wrote a very honest and heartfelt email to her. I then used my resources I learned after my first attempted suicide and got help. It worked.

The problem is, I sent her an email again yesterday about money she had planned to give me. It is a few days late and I am overly stressing about it. I know she doesn't understand why because she tends to think the worst of me. I have a problem when it comes to feeling secure in my life. It is something I am working on in IC. I never learned how to feel secure due to my family home growing up being nothing but chaos. Money always triggers that. My finances lately have been triggering that insecurity like crazy. When you look at it logically, I am not in any sort of trouble. I have a little money in my bank, can pay all my bills, and have a second job now. I am getting interviews with even bigger job opportunities. But I don't have 6 months of savings in the event I cannot work. It is not logical thinking. Most people around the world don't even have shoes and here I am having intense anxiety because my savings isn't increasing? Yesterday, before I sent her the email, I was freaking out again. I was triggering hard at work...everything was hitting me. My anxiety was going through the roof. I know I sent her that email asking about the money in order to cope. I don't trust her not to hurt me. She is not safe. She doesn't handle my vulnerability. She doesn't care to or understand. She lashes out at me the moment I remind her how much damage she has done and how her selfishness has destroyed our marriage. She reacts instead of understanding. She thinks the very worst. I was needing sensitivity and understanding from her again...and again she is rude, self centered, and selfish. I really screwed up looking at her to be anything different. I wish I would have been stronger and went to someone who actually loves and cares about me...not her...not this person I don't know anymore.

I am scared... right now I am okay. But, eventually I will trigger again. I hope not. I hope I do not contact her ever again and for any reason. I know NC equals no new hurt. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. Once November comes I won't have a single need to contact her ever again. Maybe I just need to go easier on myself till then. I can't get over the shock of just how cruel of a woman I married.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:01 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

(((Justme)))

You will be ok. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Also remind yourself of the pain you receive when you do break no contact. Isnt worth your time, your heart.

Talk yourself out of those triggers with positive thoughts, whatever they may be in your situation. You are going to make it through this. And come out for the better.

I'm sorry your having a hard time. Keep reminding yourself these triggers are only temorary.

Hugs and strength to you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(((justme)))

Have you read the phrase that's common here, "Don't expect from the divorce what you didn't get in the marriage"?

She was not able/interested to take care of you or be your security while you were married; certain she cannot be relied upon to do it now. It's tough, but sometimes confronting the truth helps us redirect our energy to healthier places.

Do you have a strategy for dealing with triggers?

I have a friend with PTSD from his time in a combat zone with the Army. He gets physical and emotional triggers sometimes, and he has a very specific and intentional coping strategy that he uses to get through them. Part of it is telling safe people what is going on - for instance, a few weeks ago we went to a roof party together where there was dancing, loud music, flashing lights. He knew that the lights and noise might trigger him, so before we got there, he pulled me aside and quickly explained the situation, and how he might react, and why, and what he would need to do if he triggered. He did trigger and we ended up leaving early, but because I knew, I was able to help him, including being ready to go at a moment's notice just because he said so, among other things.

Do you have safe people in your life who you can go to for help when you trigger? Talk through things, vent out what you would like to send to your STBX, etc.?

Do you have a plan for dealing with triggers? Get to a place where you can either be distracted until it passes, or focused enough to work through it, depending on what you need in your healing style, keep a mantra to repeat to calm yourself down, etc.?

(((JM1264))

quit apologizing for needing security. it is perfectly understandable and logical need. you didn't say you have to have 28 tons of purple jello chilled to 45*F in viking refrigerators in order to feel safe. you need to be in control of and feel comfortable with your finances. that's not unreasonable.

most of us struggle with NC for a while before we really understand that NC = No New Hurts.

I'm actually grateful to my X for being gentle with my vulnerabilities. I can't imagine dealing with someone who is so insensitive.

This is so hard to deal with, I have been there. NC is so hard to accomplish. For me, it was just really believing, getting it into my head that he really was as bad as I thought, heartless and cold and selfish. He is not capable of empathy so that if I looked to him for it all I was going to get was more pain. I just found it so hard to really accept it, accept the truth of him.

A couple of things that work for me, I still use them now.

I text a friend whatever I would like to say to x. I spoke with them before hand so they would not think I was nuts.

Sometimes it was just a simple phrase sent back to me that would keep me strong, remind me to protect myself. My favorite lately, "don't feed the monkeys". Story behind that and it makes me laugh which is also helpful.

The other thing is to post here. Just get it out, doesn't have to make sense, just vent.

I have also pm'd with a couple of members and that really helps also.

Another thing I do to quiet the anxiety. I am stressed about money also, the future, the unknown, all those things that we can't really control. I tell myself, "right now in this minute I am safe." Sometimes just getting in touch with the reality of the moment helps me to calm and then think calmly about the steps I can take to work on any practical steps that I can take to improve my future.

NC is such a battle. I posted here yesterday about how it is the key to healing. I had been total NC for 8 days after D. He texted me yesterday and I was forced to respond because he was going to invade my space, my home turf, I had to defend myself.

It sent me into such a full blown anxiety attack. It showed me so clearly how much better I felt with NC. I had been posting about how much better I felt, calmer, more optimistic, more focused.

The contact sent me into a tailspin. The one positive that I did get out of yesterday. I survived it, I didn't need to take medication, I was calmer after about an hour. I realized that I have the control, he cannot hurt me unless I allow it. The final D and court orders protect me.

NC, it really helps once you can achieve it. If you slip though don't beat yourself up. Just start over again. I think that we struggle with it because maybe we expect them to be the humans that we thought they were. It is hard for us to wrap our brains around what they really are because we could never treat another as they have treated us.

I wish you strength, it will come, it really will.

Please don't beat yourself up for your anxiety or breaking NC. You're in crisis and your behavior is normal. For now just be extra good to yourself, drink water, exercise, journal, go to therapy, lean on friends, post here. Dust yourself off and stay NC again. Come up with a plan when you feel the urge to contact her and tell her how much she hurt you. She will never give you the reply you want, remember that. You can also write nasty letters to her, don't hold anything back, use bad words, etc. Read it in private in your own voice, then tear it up or burn it. This letter is not meant to be sent, it's only for your benefit. Try it.

Don't expect in your divorce, what you didn't get in your marriage-boy did this it home.I keep expecting my stbxh to be decent to me.

Anyway I know how you feel and I sometimes write the log letters to my STBXH but I never ever give them to him. For me it is a way to get the anger, frustration, and hurt out. I myself would never ever want him to them. I feel it would give him more power or t least and ego boost. I ill not give him that.

Are you on any type of anxiety meds? I know I never took them before but without them I' not sure how I would function.

Your STBWW sort of sounds like my STBXH he hasn't told me about any tattoo but is always telling me she is his future.

I keep reading here the best revenge is to live well. Try and focus on a better life. I have motivational note cd posted all over the house and I'm getting ready to put some new oe out and about.

Do you keep journal? I now keep two. Oe I my angry journal and I vent in it ll the time. When I read back at the beginning even though it may not seem like it to me I kno I am slowly recovering. I also started keeping a ne life journal. It's not the life I wanted but I try to write about the new things I do and how I feel about them. I opened a checking account in my own name. I know it seems minor but it is a ste to the new me.

(((Hugs))) here is a safe place to vent and get the support you need.

I tell myself, "right now in this minute I am safe."

This really is key to surviving that phase ^^^. It's kind of like AA only instead of 'one day at a time' it really is 'minute by minute'.

Which is also the title of a really great Doobie Brothers song about this very thing.

NC is so hard at first until you realize you're just feeding their needs.

Don't feed the monkeys indeed!

(((justme)))

You two only split last month, and your Dday is only a few months back too. You are still very close to everything. It's normal to feel anxious as you are, and it's normal to slip on NC. It will get easier the further away you get from it.

Just know you are ok. You are going to be ok. Your slip ups in NC are not the end of the world, ok? You can get through this.