SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out three weeks ago that my wife of 3 years was having and affair. I knew in my heart several weeks earlier but held out hope.

I finally figured out her phone code and saw messages that I prayed would not be there.

We have a four year old daughter and I realize that I will be missing so many memories as she grows up. She will also lose some of the confidence she has when she realizes her parents are no longer together.

It won't be a messy separation as we both put our daughter first. The craziest thing to me is that I thought she was the most honest person that I had ever met.

She lied over and over again without batting an eye. It makes me wonder if it has happened before.

The truth is I still love her but will not be trampled on anymore. I need to stand up for myself and put my daughter first and myself right behind her.

I know she is still seeing the dude but she denies it. We went to a counseling session and it was very emotional for both of us. When I mentioned the moment I knew I was in love with her she started crying so hard.

When we got out of the session we both felt we got a lot out of it.

She says she wants to get sessions on her own and that we need to have better communication with each other for our daughter.

She told me we were separating yesterday and took off her ring.

Even though I know she is still seeing OM I am still in love with her and want to do everything in my power to to put my family back together.

Sorry you have to be here.

Is this OM married, if so, tell his wife.

Your last paragraph states that you want to do everything to stay together, yet you make it sound like you want a divorce.

I do understand you are fed up with being lied to her continuing the affair.

Is she leaving the house ?

Glad to see you started your own thread.

Time to man up. You can't win her back by being a nice doormat.

You must be strong. Find the Healing Library and read about the 180 there. You don't have a marriage right now so you need to detach. Only discuss kids and finances with her. Focus on yourself. Be selfish: she was.

I have been very tough on my STBXWW thanks to the excellent advice of guys on SI like Badhurt and YearsOfPain. She is now begging, fucking BEGGING me to take her back.

You must see a lawyer NOW. You are at war, and she is the ENEMY. You must protect yourself and show her that you will NOT do anything to save your marriage. You will NOT share your wife.

Read my thread. Read mhca's thread. Read all the really long threads in this forum and you will see... the nice guy gets his heart abso-fucking-lutely destroyed.

Time to nut up or shut up.

Keep posting. We've all been there, and we've got your back.

The truth is I still love her but will not be trampled on anymore. I need to stand up for myself and put my daughter first and myself right behind her.

This attitude will be your greatest asset in the coming days. Whatever you do, do not lose this.

I agree with Craig that you come off sounding very conflicted and that is OK. Take time to yourself, figure out what you want, what you don't want, what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. She does not need to be in the loop with regards to your introspection so do not clue her in with any revelations. She lost the right to be in the loop like a wife should be the moment she stopped acting like your wife. You can still R or D or really whatever you want; any choice you end up making will have an awesome narrative to it:

The guy who kicked her to the curb - hell yeah!

The guy with grace and strength who offered his wife a chance at redemption (regardless of her taking it) - good for you!

Etc. - You rock!

Etc. - What a badass!

You get the idea, the main thing is you take as much time as you need to come to a conclusion on which path you feel conviction towards.

ETA: Oh and Changemaker is right, you cannot nice your wife back into this. The rules of the game have changed and this one almost never yields the expected results of your wife having a come to Jesus moment and coming back.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 6:27 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

Thank you Changemaker, Mercelesslynuked and Craig for your insight. You have all given me a little clarity.

The worst thing for me is that he may end up being around my kid and that thought angers me so much.

I think I will be posting on here a lot. It really feels good.

Thanks again

Hey man, sorry you are going through this and had to join the SI club, but welcome. The guys who posted before me all gave good advice. You absolutely cannot nice your way back into her heart, if at all. But if it's going to happen, it has to happen from a place of strength. Go to the link for the "healing library" (on your right) and read up on the 180.

If you can't find it let me know and I'll look it up and give you a link. When you're ready, you might want to go to the I Can Relate forum and find the Betrayed Men thread. Only men who can relate to your pain are allowed to post. I think you'll enjoy the company.

Does anyone else know about this affair, especially her parents. And if so, do they have any input or words to persuade your wife that she is in the wrong.

What’s the goal of the counseling?

Look – You probably know someone that’s divorced. If your marriage ends because of the affair then I sincerely hope you two remain good coparents. But you won’t be friends… You won’t be spending time chatting and communicating. You won’t sit side-by-side at school plays…

Just like your divorced friends don’t spend time with their exes…

I think this is a major point you have to grasp: Divorce is a termination of a relationship and the process of minimizing future interaction. It’s not an alternative relationship.

Yup, bigger is right. Divorce means the end except for a businesslike and hopefully respectful co-parenting relationship.

I'll hop on later to see how you're doing. For now take a glance at the link in my sig, there are a few thoughts there that might be useful.

Pettinger sorry you are here.

There is no niceing her out of this.

Expose to both families before she rewrites history.

If he has a wife tell her.

If she wants a separation she moves period not you.

Stop going to mc it's a waste of money right now.

Separate bank accts now.

We have a four year old daughter and I realize that I will be missing so many memories as she grows up. She will also lose some of the confidence she has when she realizes her parents are no longer together.

She will be fine as long as one of the two parents is strong, acts like an adult and decent parent, and has a plan for the future. That would be you so lead the way and set an example of what a strong should be. Your WW is going to act really flaky once you start 180 so your daughter will need you to be the comforting rock to rely on.

The worst thing for me is that he may end up being around my kid and that thought angers me so much.

Odds are good this won't happen, especially once the affair gets exposed. If the OM is married or has an SO there is a very high chance he will throw your WW under the bus. If the guy is single, the thought of taking on child care makes a lot of them run, which is why they push WW to cake eat situations - being at arms length but within reach for booty calls.

You actually have a lot more leverage in the situation than you know or feel, but all of it will disappear if you attempt to be the understanding metrosexual type hubby who willingly gives her WW "space" to figure things out. Instead, be the strong male adult who deserves better and accepts none of her behavior and acts in the best interest of you and your child. Don't let the fear of losing her dictate your decisions.

Speak with actions. Get a lawyer and get knowledge about the divorce process, your rights as a father, and likely outcomes of your situation. The more you know the less "what ifs" that will swirl in your head and feed your fears. You don't have to file right away, but doing so will tell her you are serious about not accepting the situation and force her to contemplate reality much sooner than she anticipated. Next is talk for custody and division of assets, more issues for her to contemplate. It tends choke the fantasy. Talks of "seperation" in these situation means "I want you to stick around and be plan B while I go see if OM is my real soulmate."

Of course this douche OM isn't a soulmate. He's dopamine dealer. But your WW isn't going to begon seeing that until consequences are delivered to her by you.

Hey Pettinger,

You know what just happened to me? My STBXWW just came and cried and begged me not to "close the door" on us. That's 7 days begging.

Read my thread in the Divorce/Separation forum called Getting a Start on the End to see why. I've been strong, decisive and ruthless from the start. I didn't ask if I could have some control, some part in my own life... I fucking took it!

You know what you must do. Now do it.

ETA: mhca TOOK control too, only he's far more level headed and thoughtful than I am. You don't have to be crackers like me, but you DO have to take control.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 9:27 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

Please read 3 times what Jduff and Change have written.

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save this one.

pettinger99, some great advise... the only thing i want to add is that "she is the one deciding to separate???" from the quote below:

She says she wants to get sessions on her own and that we need to have better communication with each other for our daughter.

She told me we were separating yesterday and took off her ring.

pettinger99, don't let her write the rules here. What have you told her? From her perspective, does she still think she has you as in to "get over this?" You need control, she get's no space, no time... you giver her the choice to reconcile on your terms or you proceed with D. Either way, move forward, get your assets in place and ready.

Many times divorce wakes up the wayward and if you so choose can stop the divorce.

You need to flat out take control and tell her, if she has any inkling to be with you, she does x,y & z without fail. She has to now earn you back.

ALso expose, expose, expose the affair. to the other man's wife, your family, her family.

Exposure almost always has an immediate effect in stopping or pausing the affair, allowing you to get control.

I will conclude and agree with the others:

You cannot not nice her back!

[This message edited by atreides at 9:40 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

I am overwhelmed by all the responses. I can tell you honestly that I am going to take your advice as the nice guy thing isn't working at all.

The OM is single. We were going through a tough time in our marriage and he was the guy that "understood" what she was going through. He works for her.

She is the one that wanted the separation.

I'm not going to take this s**t anymore I am going to give her a little taste of reality. I won't be waiting around for her.

I feel like you all have given me the confidence and strength that I need to go forward.

Thank you all so much.

You are a great guy caring for you little girl and who she will be around, as everyone has told you, dont be the doormat and let her walk all over you. You have a voice in this marriage so USE it. How hurtful is she to take her wedding ring off at this early stage. I know it hurts I know you love her, but right now you have to look after yourself and the best interests of your little girl. Please read the 180 its in The Healing Library under betrayed spouses BS no 11. Top left hand corner. This will help you.

Atta Boy Pettinger!

It will help you, and it will help your daughter. As for your "wife", who cares at this point?

You are doing great, and you are doing the right thing. It won't always feel like it,but stay strong and stay in control of the things you can control.

Hi pettinger99,

I am so sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs, but you are getting golden advice from those above------we all know how you feel & have been down this road. Please learn from our mistakes. Read my story if you like.

I wish Badhurt was around to reinforce what you have been hearing above----he was able to shine a clear light down the only path that works for a lot of us.

We BSs are afraid to be tough, we are afraid to lose the marriage.

I tried "nice-ing" my WH back, & all that came of it was that he continued to eat cake.

I kicked him out when I found out that he was having sex with OW coworker (who was single),but I was still so nice, let him come over to the house to see the kids whenever he wanted, cooked supper for him. Guess what happened, he kept seeing her.

After I caught them having lunch together

the SECOND time after Dday, is when I started divorce proceedings & took my wedding ring off------- that's when WH came crawling back & begging for me to reconsider.

Divorce takes at least several months. You can always stop the divorce proceedings at any time, you can even remarry WW again after getting divorced------IF she ends the A & becomes remorseful. But nothing sends a clearer message to the wayward spouse in fantasyland than drawing a line in the sand & saying ENOUGH---"you want to keep seeing OM , go ahead, but not as my wife." It shocks them into seeing what they will lose.

Like the others said above, you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it----it is the only way.

And if that doesn't work, you don't want her anyway.

Just wanted to reinforce a few points:

"Out" her to all of her friends & family. You said that POS OM is not married----can you "out" him to any family members or his boss?

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. You have done nothing wrong. You stay in your house with your daughter. You & WW are no longer friends. Friends don't do things like this to each other.

Counseling is a waste of time with a "friend" like this. You only discuss finances & your daughter, that's it.

You & your daughter are going to be ok. Sending you strength.

I will echo many things others have told me here which of helped me immensely in the past few weeks. Get it in your mind right away but you're not going to be able to save this, start making definitive plans for you and your daughter, find that inner peace inner strength and inner anger embrace it it will keep you warm at night. It's hard but you need to move to the anger zone as quickly as you can it only took me about a week and a half and I was there and it's all been great since I arrived at that point no longer were my thoughts clouded by emotions. Do not worry about her at this point focus on you and your daughter and stay in here with us you will receive so much support and guidance from everybody here they are wonderful. Hope for the best but plan for the worst and always remember don't allow yourself to be her plan B.

pettinger99

please listen to all the advice everyone is giving you. They are 100% correct. I couldn't get anywhere with my WW until I left her a note saying we are through and that I wanted her out of the house by the weekend. I went up to the attic, got a bunch of moving boxes, left them in the spare room and told her she can take anything she wanted. I even told her she could call her boyfriend and have him come and help her and I'd leave the house. She was in shock. I later found out that after I left for work, she called her niece in tears saying she couldn't believe I wanted a divorce. It was at that moment she snapped out of her fog real quick because her fantasy life just came crashing down and she was woken back up into the real world. Listen to what they are saying. it's the truth. Good luck.