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When they leave for the OW and don't look back and are "happy"about their choice; are they actually satisfied in there life? Or holding on to the relationship because they know how bad they messed up and also don't want to be alone?

He had the perfect life! I did everything for him and sacrificed so much but apparently that wasn't enough.

Are they even the same person with their AP?

The way my WH spoke to me in the phone after d-day was pure awful. He was monotone, defensive and harsh.

Anyway else's husband leave for the OW? How did it work out? Did your H ever want his "normal" life back?

I wonder often how they block out their wife and the years of memories or feelings. It seems so bizarre.

When they leave for the OW and don't look back and are "happy"about their choice; are they actually satisfied in there life?

Generally the divorce rate for these types of relationships is 75%, so they usually do not work out.

Source:

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

So sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:45 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

Are they even the same person with their AP?

How could they NOT be?

It takes a lot of psychic energy to hold a mask up, to charm, to appear as one is not - you know, to get the shits and giggles, to get the medication they constantly need to avoid themselves. Then, then they generally move on, to their next target, once the mask slips a bit. I think you can count on this happening in your sitch. Plan accordingly.

jjet

Ya your definitely right.

He will either move on to someone new or I can see in my case her leaving him once she puts pressures on the "relationship" to move it forward (to become more reality). Or maybe the OW is just the type of woman who does not give a shit and will care less when things move on.

Regardless, I'd rather a different woman enter the picture or my WH be left alone so that this HM isn't associated with the damage in my life as my child grows up.

I know of 2 personally where i consider them exit affairs... and i don't mean that as to lessen their actions... but there was no fog and delusion with these men, they were just cowards to face their wives and say they wanted a divorce and simply cheated and did not care...

both have successful marriages now with the OW and have children with them

(((Atreides)))

Were the marriages in a bad state prior to them having the affair?

I could see an exit affair happening if the spouse was in a bad marriage and things were rocky for a while or at least consistently.

I sometimes wonder if my WH's affair is an exit affair. Although, it's hard to believe that because we did not have a bad marriage and had a new exciting baby coming and to enjoy when he started it. Sometimes I wonder if the baby and commitment scared him and the affair was his ticket out. I never got a real answer from him though so I will never know.

My XH married the final OW and has been married to her over 20 years. I don't think he is a "different" person with her. In fact I believe he cheated on her as much or more than me and has treated her worse than he treated me throughout the entire marriage. She is the one that is different because she is the one who will put up with it forever when I would not.

Now there are cases of Runaway wives as well. I don't know what the future holds but my DS's wife cheated with at least three men in the past six months. My DS found out while she was in Affair #2. He actually confronted the guy and asked him to back off and let him work on his M because he loved his wife very much.

And here is a question for everyone here, is there even one other known case out there where this actually worked?

Because it apparently did work in my DS's case. However his wife was extremely angry that he "ruined things" for her and she went to a rock concert soon after, hooked up with a guy there and he has been her new man ever since. DS tried the same tactic with rock concert guy and predictably, it did not work and in fact made him and her allies against her terrible husband who would DARE look at her phone text messages (with her track record he obviously should have just trusted her, right?) She has never apologized for anything and in fact seems to feel everything she has done and is doing is fully justified. She did leave him at the beginning of September and she has been to a lawyer.

Anyway, it almost seems like every day gets worse. She claims to be "happy" about her choice to leave my DS and file for a D but she does not act like a "happy" person. Her life is turmoil and disaster, in a continual downward spiral, but she conveniently continues to blame all of her misery on my DS and has told DS that this latest guy makes her happier than DS ever made her. I believe she has spent about five nights of sex with him, and the rest is all sexting or whatever from the distance. He's never dealt with any real life issue with her. In fact my DS saw in a text where this guy said he doesn't really like kids, doesn't know how to act around them, and kids are afraid of him! (DS and DIL have a six yr old and a 4 yr old).

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:59 AM, September 25th (Thursday)]

(((Atreides)))

Were the marriages in a bad state prior to them having the affair?

((Firstlovelost7))

1. yes she was a total b**ch even with her kids and she won custody and they are neglected... we try to help but she takes the money with her new husband 10 years younger and parties. He the husband who had the exit affair, i gave him hell and told him he did it all wrong and should have divorced, we actually expected it and would have supported him.. but he acted like his father which is story 2.

story 2. perfect wife, i love her to death, i married her daughter and he is just a pig and cheated from day 1 on her and drank constantly. He has since tried very hard to right his wrongs and has been welcomed back after many years of trying in the family.

I could see an exit affair happening if the spouse was in a bad marriage and things were rocky for a while or at least consistently.

I sometimes wonder if my WH's affair is an exit affair. Although, it's hard to believe that because we did not have a bad marriage and had a new exciting baby coming and to enjoy when he started it. Sometimes I wonder if the baby and commitment scared him and the affair was his ticket out. I never got a real answer from him though so I will never know.

I am very sorry to hear that... it is not an uncommon story... but it is hard to say what your Husbands reasons were... likely he will also cheat on his next "conquest" because most infidelity is an addiction and he likely enjoys riding the high until the buzz is gone and seeks it out again. It's the same thing when i read about mothers leaving their kids with the father to go after the affair high. so sad.

((Astreides))

It definitely is sad.

I'm curious when the high of this affair will fade.

And he gave up everything...

A new house, a good marriage, a new baby, family, friends... All for what? Her? She must be really worth it I guess... It's weird how in the beginning he would try and protect the OW! He would tell everyone it was all his fault because "he is the married one." She knew my husband was married and that I was pregnant at the time.

Apparently she even said to my husband she'd be his mistress.

The only reasons I got from my WH were:

"I wanted change"

"We have been together a long time"

"I feel out of love with you"

"I have been unhappy for a while"

That's it. Nothing specific.

I don't know how then he can maintain this and continue to justify it.

I'm so sorry for all of the pain you're going through. Your WH and his AP both sound like just awful people. You will never know the answers to why he would leave everything behind because you're not an awful person and don't have the capacity to think like one.

When they leave for the OW and don't look back and are "happy "about their choice; are they actually satisfied in there life? --Statistics say no. Their relationship will most likely not last because they are both broken people to be able to cause the kind of hurt they have.

Anyway else's husband leave for the OW? How did it work out? Did your H ever want his "normal" life back? ---WH left me for AP, although I did not know it at the time. AP left WH for her BS (oh, Karma) and WH wanted to come back to me a few months later. We also had a small child at the time and WH did want his "normal" life back, but mostly tried to TT and rugsweep to make everything better for him. Things weren't "normal" for years and even now things still trigger me and I always will wonder if they would still be together now if she hadn't dumped him.

I remember how hard it was in the beginning, being single with an infant and trying to do simple things like go to the park or the zoo was so depressing because there were happy families all around and I was so sad and alone. But you don't really need WH. I surrounded myself with family and friends and my son and I had a good time without him. I would have been fine without him ever coming back.

My stbx is with his OW as far as I know. He lost everything for a trashy chick with 2 baby daddies, pile of debt, uneducated etc etc. Lately he's been trying to spend more time with the kids and has been talking how much he misses his family. I told him to shut his mouth, as long as he's still in an affair it's just another giant lie. Pretty sure he knows how bad he's screwed up, but will he do anything to change it? Nope. We should be divorced in about 40 days.

(((Plantx)))

Thanks for the honest reply! I truly believe that my WH won't return or even try unless the OW dumps him or moves on as well.

I think he is holding on and sticking with her as best he can to justify what he has done. And to "prove" he made the "right choice."

You are right about how depressing it can be to go out. It is hard seeing everyone around you with someone and happy when I am suffering an internal hell just trying to find a little bit of normal.

But you don't really need WH....I would have been fine without him ever coming back.

This is also reassuring. I can do this! I do not need him! I don't have to always depend on him. I can find myself and happiness in other ways. I need to rediscover how to be happy alone.

[This message edited by Firstlovelost7 at 11:43 PM, September 26th (Friday)]

Fear not you sound JUST like me. My WH and I were together (married) for 13 years and have been separated for 3. We did have a rocky marriage but while we were in it he said all kinds of lies about how this and that didn't matter and he would work it out no matter what but then when things got so bad I couldn't take it anymore he left and never looked back.

He lead me on for 1.5 years sleeping with me making me believe he wanted to work on things but really it was all a giant ruse because he moved in with OW. They have been together for 3 years but I just relish in the fact that I know it won't last forever or if it does that she will be treated like shit too.

She knew damn good and well what was going on with us and moved in with him anyway.

He knew he should have given it time and should have told me but chose to lie.

And because he is NPD he threw it all back onto me and he said he didn't want to say anything because he was afraid I would get upset and hurt myself. WTF ever. Um and you don't think that now 3 years later after you knowningly cheated on BOTH of us that I am not MORE pissed off???

so yeah I think that all the time about if he has regrets or whatever but I am getting more and more distant and am seeing that he is a total pos and I don't care anymore. They deserve eachother and every bit of crap that comes along.

Do I feel like shit that he is with her and has some sort of relationship while I am alone? Sure. But unlike him I don't believe in jumping into a relationship till the one I am in is over. I refuse to even date anyone till I am divorced. And then I still might not because he has ruined all the trust I ever had.

Interesting term Runaway Husband, I like it.

My xh left and never looked back. That was 2003. 6 months later we were divorced nd he was married to OW. They are still together. Is he happy? I do not know. Nor do I care.

I do know his wife has made him choose her and her lies over his family. His family has nothing to do with them. She keeps him on a tight leash. That way he can't cheat.

XSO glanced briefly back and decided to choose OW. That was 2012. They married this spring. He followed the same exact timeline xh did as far as living with OW in the early part of their relationship. Are they happy? I don't know.

I know and care if I'm happy. If I'm living my life as honestly and authentically as I can with the people I love. And are they living it with me. I don't want dishonest people in my life.

It isn't worth it.

Hugs,

K

After a crisis at my WS work, he ran away from home and went to live with the OW. They lived happily ever after. For 11 weeks. Then he asked if he could return to me. We have been trying to R ever since. Apparently, the grass was not greener on the other side.

Do you think WH miss their spouse when they leave for OW?

I would be curious what goes through their mind when they leave.

If they think of all the history and memories and miss what they had.

My X left for OW. Happy, doubt it. She is, well, really she isn't much and that's being kind.

I know that he was shocked when I had him served D papers.

I know the PI had to explain 3X that his wife was divorcing him. I also know that I received 17 emails on how could I do this to him, why couldn't I wait, he thought I loved him and then it got really ugly. For someone who proclaimed he wanted a D so badly he sure was upset and pissed. Oh, almost forgot, he slowed the D process down by 3 months and was still contesting stupid shit.

Whispers of him being not happy, just whispers. I don't really care anymore. Though, I would probably crack a grin and a snicker if I heard about a good karma story.