SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From what I can tell my wife had a long term affair (about 8 months) with a man she met on AM. They talked of getting divorces and how much they loved each other. But after some time she started talking to many more men and the original affair looks like it ran its course. She had another long term affair (about 10 months) with another man until he went back to his wife. They also talked of divorce and during this time she thought heavily of divorcing me. She talked of him often in the emails that i've seen. So much that she said a few months before D-Day that if he came back to her she'd divorce me that day (to her best friend). Of course I didn't know about it. After that she met other men and had another affair with another man until D-Day (4 months).

I don't get it. Why have the first affair of course, but if she "loved" the first man she met, Why didn't she stay with him? Further more, shouldn't it have been a trigger for her to figure out her life when she'd stop being with one of these men?

Another thing, i've seen in emails to her partner at the time that she was made at me because she thought I might be cheating on HER. And her friend was mad because she thought her husband was cheating, all the while she was cheating on him.

What logic is that? They cheat on us and get mad and feel like they can't trust us because they think we're cheating on them. It doesn't make sense to me.

[This message edited by Jorge123 at 1:43 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry you are here, but welcome to the site where others understand and can help.

It won't make sense because it has no real logic on the surface. The reality is that there is some deep, often unconscious, reason that is driving the self-centered behavior. The outward fears help her justify her actions and/or reflect back on herself. The fact that your WW repeatedly chooses this path indicates her issues are strongly embedded in her and she might have some sort of addiction (e.g. approval, love or sex). Does she want help and is she willing to do the work needed to change?

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 2:16 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

Well I know that her parents spoil her. She's always been selfish. She may be addicted to sex, I don't know. She's never been very sexual with me though. But she sure was with these other men. She'd meet them once and have oral sex with them. Some of them.

[This message edited by Jorge123 at 2:22 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

What logic is that? They cheat on us and get mad and feel like they can't trust us because they think we're cheating on them. It doesn't make sense to me.

I think the logic is two fold.

1- They need to convince themselves that you are cheating on them, and that's why they want to cheat in order to lessen their own guilt.

2- They know how easy it is to cheat and fool an unsuspecting spouse so they start to become paranoid that their loyal spouse is doing the same thing to them, that they are doing to the loyal spouse.

During his affair, my Wayward regularly came home and accused me of cheating.

I was unaware of his affair at the time, so I would just laugh it off.

His OW though regularly hacked into her husbands cell phone and computer to ensure he wasn't cheating.

He was not, but she was many many times.

evil evil evil

Because waywards are very broken. They need to do a lot of work to identify the 'whys.'

I'm a BS so I can't really say anything but I think it is easier for a wayward to avoid instead of facing their problems and that is the first step.

I would guess your WW was partly in love with the early stages of love. This stage comes with many chemical side effects that act like a drug. Once that stage was over she moved on to the next man (drug fix). My STBXWW is very much into this early and immature stage of love and thinks that is how it should be all the time. As I remember National Geographic had a nice article on this a few years ago.

My STBXWW also accused me of cheating while I always took extra precautions to make her feel safe since her first husband had cheated on her. I believe it's just them trying to justify their bad behavior. If they can convince themselves we are cheating, don't love them any more, wouldn't really care, etc. then their affair isn't so bad. It's really just personal brainwashing to me.

WS here...I can't offer anything on the multiple affairs. However, a similarity I see when I was in my A and with your WW, she convinced herself you were cheating on her most likely for justification. For myself I had fully convinced myself my BH didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me I thought he would be relieved when I told him I wanted a D. I had really drilled this in to my head. I could not have been more wrong. IC has been so helpful in changing my thought process and coping skills. I wish I would have started it a year earlier.

Is your WW in IC?

I believe it's just them trying to justify their bad behavior. If they can convince themselves we are cheating, don't love them any more, wouldn't really care, etc. then their affair isn't so bad. It's really just personal brainwashing to me.

Yes yes yes!

[This message edited by ilovemylove at 8:35 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

First i am sorry

now to answer your questions.

I don't get it. Why have the first affair of course, but if she "loved" the first man she met, Why didn't she stay with him?

AI don't get it. Why have the first affair of course, but if she "loved" the first man she met, Why didn't she stay with him? Further more, shouldn't it have been a trigger for her to figure out her life when she'd stop being with one of these men?

Another thing, i've seen in emails to her partner at the time that she was made at me because she thought I might be cheating on HER. And her friend was mad because she thought her husband was cheating, all the while she was cheating on him.

What logic is that? They cheat on us and get mad and feel like they can't trust us because they think we're cheating on them. It doesn't make sense to me.

What logic is that? They cheat on us and get mad and feel like they can't trust us because they think we're cheating on them. It doesn't make sense to me.

Very simple, i have said it over and over again... infidelity is an addiction it does not have to do with love, it has to do with the high and the never ending thirst for it. Very few affairs can escape the being called an addiction. If you see it as such, everything will make sense.

Too many of us relate the wrong things to infidelity such as marriage problems or the spouse or what have you BUT none of those things have anything to do with infidelity.

We don't blame "life" for a drug addicts addiction do we, we also do not try to reason the high itself, start treating infidelity the same way and the logic falls in place.

[This message edited by atreides at 8:55 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]