SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story so far....

My wife of 7 years together for 13 dropped the bombshell on me she has been having a physical affair for the past 6 weeks that she was in love with om. The first 48 hours was a pure hell of torrents of emotions and I nearly completely lost it. After 14 years of being self harm free that Friday night I cut again. Saturday I found out why she told me through other people. She is pregnant by the om. So I packed everything she had and put it by the door and told her to pick it up. Sunday I let her come back home. So for the past 2 weeks I have been in limbo hell. She is sleeping downstairs, says she confused doesn't know if she wants to stay and try. Says she's too broken for me. Monday if that week was my first ic. I've had 2 so far and have the next 4 weeks scheduled. I week out I was not well. This week was better but Friday night was bad again. She keeps giving me this rubber band effect that tearsuo my insides. She tries to tell me about om and uses the exact words she use to say about me. I've got 4 good friends who have been my rock so far and began running as an outlet for all of my emotions. Now I'm just stuck unable to heal or move forward.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry for having to go through this! But I'm really glad you found us, I hope we'll be a good support and help for you!

It's great that you're going to IC and that you have good friends. I also hope you're getting helped with regards to your self-harm. Have you considered anti-depressants? I've been on them for a year and they have helped me tremendously.

Have you exposed her affair to friends and family?

Is the OM married or has a girlfriend?

How far along is she? Is there any chance she's pregnant with your kid?

I urge you to go consult a lawyer IMMEDIATELY!

How are the kids handling this? How's your relationship with them?

I encourage you to read "The Healing Library" in the yellow box on the left. Also, please google "No More mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and it might help you tremendously!

Keep talking to us, we're here to help and support you!

Best wishes

Shattered,

So sorry you’ve joined the club of which nobody wanted membership, but you’ve come to the right place. SI can be a terrific haven; a safe place to vent to, and seek advice from, those who can relate.

I want to note a few things you’re already doing right:

1. You’re in IC. You’ve already recognized you need some help through this journey and you’re getting it. That’s a great sign.

2. You’re physically venting through exercise. Running can help you work through and shed some of the stress.

3. You’re getting support from close friends.

4. You’ve begun posting here.

Don’t ever underestimate the value of each of the above.

Some additional things you can do:

1. Drink lots of water. Sounds insignificant considering the magnitude of what you’re going through, but it really does help to stay well hydrated.

2. Try to eat well. You need high quality fuel.

3. Start a journal. Create a document in your computer. Let everything flow. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar or punctuation. It’s another means of venting to reduce the emotional pressure. Keep it password protected. This is for your eyes only, though you might want to share some of it with your therapist.

4. Don’t worry about your WW right now. Stay focused on you. Let her take care of herself. Don’t fall for her “Poor me,” and “What am I going to do?” crap. When she gets in that mode, remember you need to focus on you.

5. Make the rules and maintain control. You are the injured party and your preservation and healing must take precedence over all else – and everyone else.

6. Get tested for STDs. Clearly your WW and the OM didn’t have the common sense to use any protection. I repeat: GET TESTED FOR STDs!

7. If the OM is in a relationship, out him to his wife or girlfriend. This may sound harsh but she deserves to know. And like you, she should get tested for STDs. Neither you nor his BS knows how many times he may have had unprotected sex with others – and at this point you don’t know for certain if your WW has been with other men, either. Moreover, the OM’s BS will assist in ending the affair – permanently.

An observation: Your WW came home. She didn’t run off with the OM. Given that she talks so much about how she loves him, I think the odds are pretty good he’s in the process of throwing her under the bus. Poetic justice if true. Meanwhile, when she speaks of him in glowing terms you might want to show her the door. If all she thinks about is him, why invite her to stay and cause you more pain? Clearly, she’s not ready to commit to rebuilding with you. Some time on her own should help her to come out of her fog, and remember – it appears that for whatever reason, the OM isn’t inviting her into his life or under his roof right now, either. In any event, don’t give her the power to make this time about her. Again, focus on you.

Finally, this is perhaps the best advice I can give you. You’re in the throes of what I call emotional vertigo. You’ve been knocked off your emotional foundation and it’s very tough to find equilibrium. The emotions will come in waves. Don’t fight them. Let them come and ride them. Analogy: You’re at the beach. You walk out into the ocean. Waves are coming at you. If you try to “dig in” and stand up against the wave, you’ll get knocked down. The force of the wave is too great to fight. But if you rise off the ocean floor and just let the wave carry you for a few seconds – RIDE the wave – it will pass and you’ll land on your feet. Similarly, don’t try to dig in and stand up to the emotional waves. Let them carry you. Ride them and you’ll land on your feet.

Good luck, man. Focus on you. Keep posting.

PS: It tends to get quiet around here on the weekends so don’t be discouraged if there are few responses to your posts until Monday. It’s just the nature of the beast.

wow. this is really tough.

first, you're not going to do anyone any good, especially yourself, if you are not in good health and have some emotional stability. make sure you eat right, liquids, exercise. exercise can numb the pain somewhat if you are used to workouts or running and such.

this is a real mess. you have to decide where you are on the pregnancy. that's the big thing in this situation that goes beyond everything else.

where is she on the pregnancy?

where is she on the OM?

where are you on her?

you have to decide one of the following:

1. R

2. D

3. S - separate

4. allow this to float around unresolved (oh, that's ok honey, what time are you seeing him tonight).

from what you said she's still talking about the OM. this sounds like a typical case of The Fog. Go to "The Healing Library" and read "The Fog": http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp

notice The Healing Library on the left has Articles in the tabs. go there to see what fits in your case.

she sounds like she has these fantasies in her head about the OM, maybe the baby to be and such. it might all be nonsense in her mind and she's in this magical world of the fog where there are no rents, no dishes, no eating, no laundry, no car problems, no bills to pay, just her, the baby and the wonderful OM who will soon be appointed the wizard of oz where they will all live happily ever after.

right now i'd advise you to create some degree of clear separation between the two of you at least until she comes down from cloud 9 flakeville. she seems to be in a dream world. i do notice the stuff on the saturday doorstep didn't turn into the pumpkin carriage delivering her to the residence of prince charming. instead you got her back on sunday.

the IC has got to be helping but you have to sort out what YOUR options for YOU are all about and then decide how she fits, or does not fit into those options.

this is one fine mess she has gotten you all into.

What fo you want to do?

If R you need to expose to OM wife asap. Yiur ww is trying to get more timw ti get OM unfer tje hood. Once you expose hil to his wife or girlfriend, he will dumo your wife in yje blink of an eye.

If D get legal advice asap, you need her to keep her self in fantasy land while you D to avoid drama and confrontation in cort.

Any chiice you make start 180 now.

Good luck

shattered

I think asking your wife to move out was a good start.

She is really messed up.

Stop the cutting. There is no reason for it.

What is your wife going to do about her pregnancy?

She really is not thinking at all.

HM

She's keeping the baby. Abortion is not an option for either of us.

She's undecided between me and om. The longer she keeps nondecision the less I want R, because I am in intense pain and she should be helping me with this. And it just keeps hurting more with her non decision and lack of intamacy towards me.

Om was married his wife kicked him out of the house.

She is maybe 6 weeks at this point, definitely not mine I have a vasectomy.

Devastating. I'm so sorry you have been thrown in this wood chipper. The other responders have great advice; I just wanted to corroberate that the people on this site are sensitive, experienced, knowledgeableand helpful. Let them be your sounding board; ESPECIALLY before you start hurting yourself!!This site really helped me. Take care of you and your son(s)!

Don't sit around waiting for her to decide, buddy. YOU have to take control. It's the only way to minimize the pain and suffering you will be dealing with.

Drink water, but no booze. Eat what and when you can. Exercise. A lot. It's better than cutting, and will provide some of the same relief.

She should be willing to do ANYTHING to win YOU back. She is not the prize here. I don't believe in waiting around for someone to fucking decide if their fucking SPOUSE is good enough.

I made mine choose RIGHT NOW. She hesitated, so I made the decision for her. She's gone, despite deciding that I was the correct choice after all.

Don't be afraid. Take control. YOU tell HER how it's gonna be. If she don't like it, then you have to give her consequences. You will never win her back (if that's your goal) AND you will make your pain worse and longer by trying to nice her back.

Read some of the longer threads around here, particularly those started by men, and see what happens when the BS (betrayed spouse) takes control compared to what happens when they don't. I'll give you a hint; TAKE CONTROL NOW!

Keep posting. We're here for you and, unfortunately, we know EXACTLY how you feel.

Sorry you are here my man

"She's undecided between me and om."

Why would you let her come home and keep disrespecting you. The next time she tells you how great the OM is then throw her $hit outside the door and tell her to go and be with her FB.

And even if she "picks" you, as your wife is going through with her pregnancy the OM will be in your life for the next 18 years and then some & interacting with your wife on a daily basis in regards to the child.

Even if she "picks" you the affair will continue, for there is no chance of the R with the two lovebirds meeting together to bond with their child.

I do not hold out much hope for your M. Your WW cheated, became pregnant from the OM, is keeping the baby, you kicked her out, then for some unknown reason you let her move back in even though she loves the OM and tells you her H how great her FB is. She tells you she is confused doesnt know if she want to stay or leave.

Looks to me like you are just a temporary hotel for the WW until such time as the OM has a place lined up and they move in together, or your her plan B where if the OM can get back with his BS and dump your WW, she will all of a sudden see the light and let you know that you are her number 1 pick (now that the OM is out of the picture)

Either way the OM because of that child will be in your in your life forever and if you think your in mindfuck country now just wait.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:13 PM, June 14th (Sunday)]

What does your attorney say about your financial responsibility until this child becomes an adult? Do your state laws say the husband is responsible regardless of if the husband is not actually the father?

she was in love with om.

If she is "in love" with om, that means she is "NOT in love" with you.

After 14 years of being self harm free that Friday night I cut again.

How did you act when you courted your wife? What did she find attractive about you?

Saturday I found out why she told me through other people. She is pregnant by the om.

How disrespectful! Not only did she cheat on you and get pregnant, but she told other people and not you, and that's how you find out that your wife is pregnant.

So I packed everything she had and put it by the door and told her to pick it up.

That was a good move. What she did to you, this is something an enemy wouldn't do.

Sunday I let her come back home.

That was a bad move. Your wife is "in love" with the other man. She is "NOT in love" with you.

So for the past 2 weeks She is sleeping downstairs, says she confused doesn't know if she wants to stay and try. Says she's too broken for me.

She wants you to have the security and stability of her life with you, to have you pay for her, to have you give her comfort, to have you share chores with her, and she can still have the other man for romance and "in love." She likes having both other man AND you. Maybe she isn't quite so sure about this other man being committed to her and she might need you to step in and shoulder the responsibility.

She keeps giving me this rubber band effect that tears my insides.

She is "in love" with the OM. She is placating you enough to make sure you are still "reeled in." She might need you.

She tries to tell me about om and uses the exact words she use to say about me.

She is making you a "friend" who talks about her love problems with OM. She has removed you as "husband" and now treats you as "friend." With her no longer thinking of you as her husband, you are just a man. Male vs. female relationship dynamics will apply. It's very likely she will not find you attractive if you are needy and clingy and insecure, especially if the om is confident and bold.

I'm just stuck unable to heal or move forward.

Your wife is lost to you right now. She will not come back to you until she has suffered missing you, she will not come back until she stops taking you for granted. She will have no reason to end things with OM as long as she feels you are in her back pocket. If you are acceptable for her to be with om AND with you, then she will be fine with that until om puts his foot down. Then she will have to drop you. If you put your foot down about stopping OM, she may eventually drop OM.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:55 AM, June 15th (Monday)]

Thanks for the reply.

You mention her keeping the baby. Could you live your life taking care of the OM's baby and keeping OM in your life (through visitation rights etc.)?

What are your deal-breakers, things that make you say "No more, I want a divorce!"?

Best wishes

Unfortunately in your situation your WW & OM will never be NC as even if your WW realized the error of her ways and went total NC on the OM the court of law could rule differently and actually help to keep the two A partners together thru visitation rights and such.

Your wife doesnt know what she wants. Show her what YOU want. File for D and slap the papers down in front of her face and expose at their workplace & family to.

You have nothing to be embarrased about and why are you worried about her feelings? What, much like she was looking after yours when she had sex the OM and she let him plant his seed inside her.

You would almost have to believe she planned on the pregnancy unless she has never heard of condoms, other various birth control products or getting pregnant from sperm.

This is all about doing the right thing. To be treated like your a nothing, have your marriage vows $hit on, telling you about her feelings and love for the OM & having sexual relations with OM reulting in pregnancy should be a pretty good indicator of how much love your WW has for you and just where your M is heading.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:35 AM, June 15th (Monday)]

so she chaets and and now is about to have a baby, and she also doesnt know yet if she is willing to stay or go, and YOU are waiting for her to decide... really?

ok.....

ASK YOURSELF THIS: Am i willing to live the rest of my life with a cheater and a innocent baby not mine that will remind me for the rest of my life what she did to me?

Dont get me wrong, many have raised baby's not thers and loving them the same way, but in this case you will always be triggered... expecialy when OM will be around to be with HIS SON....

the OM will be in your life for the next 18 years and then some

uh no this is not obvious

DNA don't mean a damn thing - he can adopt and shut the OM man out permanently. Only if that is what he wants to choose

Due to the marriage OM doesn't even need to be on the birth certificate ... but this is only in the extreme that Shattered chooses the path to be a father to this child.

OM inseminated...in my book, that ain't honorable. To me, it certainly doesn't mandate they give him rights to anything = sorry but plenty of kids are adopted all the time.

We had heartbreaking stories from two OC's grown now and as BSers here and their lives played out as if they were just baggage in the adults' lives - don't think that is healthy or in the best interests of the child.

Look, all way round this sich sucks - his other son was also conceived outta wedlock so I'm not saying your marriage is worth saving - only YOU know the true underlying dynamics

I get the "kick them out" and yet when the shit hit the fan in my house I also had my step-daughter and my sister and her two boys living at my house = found out WH had fucked around on me while pregnant witha goddam random ONS CL whore who catfished his sorry ass ... only now it's 5 years later.

So no, I didn't kick him out in addition to a whole bunch of other mess. But I am not saying to follow what I did as I can just as easily point to problems I set up by not being clear in my communication early on.

The biggest difference is it's not that I had a foggy WH still professing "love" = your WW behavior is the biggest obstacle to considering R. I have to agree with the others that you are not to be the protector/provider of her at this point - focus on you and your son. I would just as equally understand completely you kicking her to the curb and just you raising your son... he's old enough to determine visits and if WW shacks up with OM, plenty of agreements can stipulate no visitation under NC enforcement... when he's a teen after a few years, if he wants to set the pace with his egg donor, fine, but honestly, I wouldn't credit her behavior as a "mother" in any positive light in the moment. Just because she breeds, don't mean a damn thing in my book. Plenty of breeders in this realm. We need teachers who guide children to becoming whole

I am so glad to read you have 4 good friends - a support network is vital so please keep that outlet. Good to read you run. This new path you are on is truly like a marathon, so pace yourself for the long road ... don't forget to breathe

Set your conditions for R if you choose to - I would absolutely refuse to be her "counselor" or "buddy" regarding the OM = totally agree that you will need to be strong and give her what she deserves at that moment - the door - if her actions continue to disrespect.

The baby is not here yet so there's time for you to focus on you and your son and if WS gets her head out of her ass... like I said, adoption and shutting out the OM is absolutely a possibility.

The I can relate thread has two other gentlemen there who are BTDT going thru this and we have a WW member who also is attempting R with OMs gift to create a family by choice and not genetics

this club ain't for sissies = that's for sure. So take that as a left hand compliment that you got handed "you can handle this, too" to become your best self this life

peace as you process and please read everything and anything in the healing library - especially the 180 to avoid getting reeled in!

[This message edited by Merida at 5:33 AM, June 15th (Monday)]

Man....I understand not killing the child.....but no way in hell would I reconcile with this situation. Baby would have to be given for adoption....I would even put my name on certificate if it would keep posom from gaining custody. Have records sealed and give adoptive parents family medical history for wife.

She is sleeping downstairs, says she confused doesn't know if she wants to stay and try.

I can understand she is confused (but still hate her for it), but she needs to wonder if she wants to be allowed back and try, not stay and try. Kick her out and let her decide while she is not reaping the benefits of staying. Allow her back if she commits, or at least pretends to. Toss her out if she ever brings up the OMs name.

She's got a foot on the boat and a foot on the pier. Pull the boat way. Make her decide. Don't even bother talking to her until she commits. Even then, I don't see this one making it. Sorry to say that, but the effort to win her back will have a cost later in terms of anger and resentment by you. Plus, the child is not yours.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:12 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

6 weeks is not a very long affair. Surely you've told her that isn't long enough to "fall in love"

Kick her out. She shouldn't be there until she wants to be there and goes total "no contact"(NC) with other man (OM).

She wants her cake and to eat it too.

Read the 180 article in the healing library.

Good luck. Keep posting

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 2:23 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

I've done it even though it kills me inside I made an appointment with a lawyer on Friday.