SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When you look back on your WS behavior just prior to and during their A, what behavior stands out where you think "Yeap, shoulda caught that"?

What about the second or third A? Did their behavior go back to the way it was at the time of the first A? Did it get worse? Where they better at hiding it after getting caught the first time? If so, what was their behavior like THAT time around?

My WH is still doing everything right. And I mean EVERYTHING! Too good to be true? I wonder. I won't ever be THAT naïve again. Blind trust....NEVER!

I should have noticed he was on his phone constantly. I should have noticed the stupid smirk on his face when she texted him. I should have noticed he would NEVER leave his phone around me. I have learned to trust my gut now. It knows when he even attempts to do anything I would consider wrong. I caught him a year after his ONS texting a skank bartender. Let your gut be your guide. It never fails!

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 8:55 AM, February 8th (Monday)]

what behavior stands out where you think "Yeap, shoulda caught that"?

This going to sound soooo cliché, but here goes:

...increased texting/avoidance of me while texting/texting in closed rooms/bathroom/late at night

...cold demeanor/distanced herself/aloof/not engaging in conversation anymore

...lack of sex/excuses for not having sex/no intimacy

...small details or behaviours disappear..."I love you's" fade, holding hands, kisses have vanished

...defensiveness, unnatural tendency to be short, sarcastic, and to argue

...dressing better, new underwear, lots of money spent recently...

These classic signs were all there from my ex wife. Her schedule never changed, but I do think that many of the places she said she was or said she was going to were lies...

...

yep, lots to look at, I feel so stupid for not seeing it.

freaking out if I touched his phone

keeping his phone on him all the time

getting on the phone as soon as he got in the car

not getting out of the car immediately when he got home, until he got off the phone

I should have checked the numbers that i saw on his bill to confirm they were who he said they were

should have called cell phone company to continue with detailed bills when they changed to no details

decrease in sex drive

never stayed home-always went out

late coming home from work -should have checked on his excuses

The phone was the biggest give away that I just didn't notice.....i feel so stupid for believing anything he told me and believing that I had a faithful husband that would never do anything to hurt me.

Lesson learned.....trust no one.

He stopped doing things he had always done around the house and with our family. He used to take the kids out for a few hours to give me a break, or take them camping overnight. He stopped doing that, stopped doing bath time, stopped waking up with them, etc. He didn't want to travel to be with my family over Christmas even though we travelled across the country to be with his for Thanksgiving. When I said I wanted to take a trip for our 10th anniversary, he got a glassy look in his eye and responded that he wanted to travel with some guys over the summer and to the country where OW lives for a guy friend's party. He turned iCloud sharing off on his phone so his pictures stopped uploading on the iPad. He stopped letting our kids use his iPad.

When I type all this up I feel like a fool for letting it go on for so long. Sadly, I confronted him when I saw that he got a text from OW, looked this mysterious stranger up on FB, and saw that he had liked every single picture she ever posted. I said, "You never mentioned this person, but she's texting you and you've liked all her pictures. Should I feel weird about this?" And he said, "DO you feel weird about this?" like some magical genie of evasion. And I said, "I'm asking you if I SHOULD feel weird about this." And he said, "Oh. No." And also, because she lives 24+ hours away by plane, it never occurred to me that they could be having a real affair.

On DD he had the audacity to refer to this conversation as an example of how he didn't lie because he answered my question with a question. He conveniently forgot the part where I rejected his answer and made him answer it directly. And what does it matter if you did or didn't directly lie? It's not like cheating is OK as long as your spouse doesn't directly ask you if you're doing it.

So, anyway, my feeling on trust at this point is that in our case, WH still had some compunction about directly lying. He binge-drank and complained to me regularly about how he couldn't sleep and how he was under enormous stress, poor wee man. When I would ask about that stress, he would lie and say it was from work. But my point is, he WAS stressed, he was acting differently, he was trying to walk some ridiculous line between all-out duplicitousness and being faithful-ish. Because, you know, he thought was in love with this woman, but he was careful never to say those exact words to her, so that makes it OK. He flew her across the world for sex and cuddles, but he never gave her any presents, because then she might get the wrong idea. Lots of mental gymnastics there, but the undercurrent is that he is not comfortable all-out lying.

So do I think he would cheat again, becoming a much better liar and hider than he was this past time? No. I think it's safe to assume that he wouldn't. But am I hyper vigilant to things that make me go hmmmm now? Yes. And I probably always will be, with him or with someone else.

Well, my WH's A was a little "acute". He only got the OW's number the day he had sex with her so he could contact her when he was done with work and coming over to screw her....

They had worked together for a year or so but never had any inappropriate contact until the day of the sex....talk about diving right in! But during their 3 week PA, my WH turned me down for sex a few times. That had NEVER happened before. We only had sex once during that time (at my pushing) and lucky me, I got chlamydia!

He also acted like an aloof freak, but I thought it was work stress (He'd just lost his first patient on the OR table).

For me I had a double-whammy: I had actually encouraged my WW to get out more. I have been disabled and dealing with some serious changes in my health for over a dozen years, and my WW had settled into fully seeing herself as my caregiver. My health conditions also led to social isolation, and we had stopped seeing some of our friends simply because it got to the point where I could not count on keeping plans we would try to make.

So when she started taking walks, riding her bike, and going off to kayak, I at least "knew" she was getting out, having some time to be unburdened with my issues, and getting physical activity. However, because our life has been a lot of 24/7 together time, it was difficult for me when she would walk out that door on a beautiful day to do activities that I have not been able to do for years. Many of those days were "bad days" due to a flare in my symptoms (I do not tolerate heat well, and have to skip outdoor activity in the hottest parts of summer. I actually mourned every time she left the house because I felt left behind . . . many times I would break down and sob because I missed being able to go for a hike or get out into nature. But I felt something worse underlying this sadness, like I was losing her attention, her love, and definitely she was becoming distant and even angry when I asked if she could slow down her schedule, and maybe even include me once in a while.

On D-Day I realized that the foreboding feeling, that overwhelming sadness I felt every time she walked out that door was the abandonment of her commitment to our vows. She watched me flash back to those days, and sob uncontrollably over the layers of despair I felt for not being able to be active with her and then learning she had betrayed me with that trust I had extended her.

But I did not see signs . . . I felt them. Because I had to struggle to let her spend much needed alone time away from here, and to even find some friends she could hike or bike with, I stifled my intuition/misgivings because I just thought it was my problem to deal with the abandonment feelings.

And I now simply do not know how I did not see that there was something going on . . . the timeline of her A was pretty jam-packed with phone calls and visits and activity. Her slight shift in her tolerance of me, and the rapid pace of her increase in outside activity should have raised red flags, but I shrugged them off as growing pains.

Ugh . . . .

I think for a long time he was pretty good at compartmentalising. I did try and organise at 50th for him, which he wouldn't let me do, because as it turns out it's hard to let your betrayed spouse do nice things for you when you're lying through your teeth.

Towards the end as things had escalated up a notch A-wise, he had trouble detaching himself from his phone. He sided against me with the kids, and was generally a much bigger asshole to me then usual. It was confusing for me and I felt alone and isolated. Now..I get it.

There were subtle signs all along. I can see them now. He's not that good a liar, but he was good enough. And I trusted him. My bad.

Put a lock on his phone & when I asked, said it was for "client security" in case he lost it---but he'd never done that before and I thought it odd but accepted it

New sex moves--I thought it odd but accepted his excuse that he'd got the ideas from porn.

Recommended that I buy a new type of razor to shave my legs---I thought it odd and wondered to myself how he knew about women's razors? Turns out, of course, OW used that kind and they showered together.

New music tastes

Man couldn't stop buying himself underwear. Or clothes. He has more clothes than me.

He'd call after work functions that he was going out to eat with some friends---then he'd come home with fast food and eat on the couch. I thought it was weird and asked and--you guessed it--accepted his explanation. Turns out he never went to eat--he went to OW house to have sex.

Found fault with me and was very critical--looking back, I think this was how he dealt with the guilt.

He started giving dating advice to his single friends---he became ( in his mind) an expert on women. I thought it was weird ---- I was the first woman he ever dated and suddenly he feels like a dating expert 17 years later (5 years dating and 12 years married at the time his affair began)?

The last excuse---he had to go into work to fill in his time sheets. I thought that was odd--because he fills those in throughout the day. Then he comes into the kitchen and asks me what did I think of his shirt. I thought it odd because it was a HOLIDAY and no one was going to be in the office. My husband actually asked me how I thought he looked before leaving the house to meet his mistress.

Some of his excuses didn't make sense--and I'd question and just end up accepting his lame explanations----will NOT be making that mistake in the future.

From here on out, if it feels/sounds weird or doesn't make sense, I am NOT just going to accept his excuses. I promise myself that it will not take another 3 years (!) for met to discover an affair.

For us it was lack of sex and the ensuing excuses to start.

A lot of time on Facebook.

Sitting in our driveway on the phone after work.

Texts coming in that don't get answered.

Phone secrecy including the lock .

The one that caught up with her was changing her checking account password for no good reason. That one caused me to question everything and turn into a detective.

Looking back I was so stupid in not questioning those things. Never again.

More showers ..normally after sport nights but suddenly before.....more aftershave and care when shaving....being on the phone as he pulled up at night ..popping out more for work...I was so gullable. Then once or twice scratches which he said were from karate....so stupid was I then. I was niave and now am on constant alert.am keeping a record of the odd thing just now and then...but am on the case now. Never again will I shut my eyes.

Mine didn't touch me for a year, yet had Viagra "to masturbate ".

He came home from work reeking of sex,and told me it was because he ate Mexican for lunch.

[This message edited by mharris at 10:39 AM, February 8th (Monday)]

My WH cheated on me during our entire marriage so there wasn't a "before" for me to compare to. Perhaps that is why it took 18 years before D-day occurred. There were plenty of things I was suspicious about, but he was always quick to dismiss them and turn it around on me that I was being jealous or making false accusations. All of that gas lighting really affected my trust in my own judgement.

As the years went by though, my WH got worse. I think of it as a frog sitting in a pot of boiling water. Plop the frog in water that is boiling and the frog jumps out. Put the frog in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, and the frog remains in the water until it is boiled to death. I'm the second frog. Over the years, WH got more and more blatant with his cheating until I could no longer deny my own judgement.

What started out with him accusing me of being jealous and making false accusations eventually became a flat out put down of me not being able to "prove" that he was cheating and without solid, undeniable proof of him in the act, he wasn't even going to discuss it with me. That is until I stopped buying into the fact that I needed "proof" of him cheating in order to end the marriage. I came to realize that I had every right to leave him just because he was a total ass to me.

I know that my WH was really good at cheating. He left not a single trace and conducted every bit of his A's face to face. Even so, my gut was spot on each and every time without fail. I've learned the hard way to trust my gut. I now have zero tolerance for anything resembling him attempting to make me not trust my gut. There was a TON of little things that my WH did that gave himself away. It would fill a book just to begin to cover all of the different ways he outed himself.

If it feels too good to be true, it usually is. Do whatever it takes to verify that he is actually doing what he says he is doing. Taking my WH's word for it is no longer an option and blind trust is not something that I would ever want in any relationship that I am a part of. If they are up to no good, sooner or later, they will slip up. The truth has a way of coming out no matter how much a person tries to hide it.

Since affair was mostly EA, sex with WH remained the same. It was all about the phone. He was always on it, would power it completely down if he left it out and removed all messaging from his iPad. Once A went underground, he would overshare where he had been and who he was with. Claimed to be Christmas shopping twice in November, he never shops that early. Claimed to be enjoying the view on our trip to the smokey mountains while I slept. He was actually texting her.

---he was never home, & when he was, he was very critical of me, always angry at me

---cold demeanor, distanced himself, aloof

---sold our family van and bought a small, flashy bachelor's car

---never let his phone out of his sight (he even took it into the bathroom with him)

---asked one of our teenage kids to teach him how to text, & got an unlimited texting plan for himself

---Sitting in our driveway on the phone after work.

---went on a diet and lost a lot of weight (of course I was the one who went shopping for his special groceries, and cooked special diet meals for him, to help him ---in addition to cooking separate meals for our 4 kids who are picky eaters, and working outside of the home)

Almost nothing. He lied so well. He hid it so well. He didn't EVER use his phone for her. Only emailed from work. He didn't wear different clothes, more aftershave, want sex more or less. It was business as usual, except perhaps a bit of distance. But hey, all couples have spells where they aren't as connected, right? I mean it was nothing.

There was ONE night he was at the bar and his phone was off for a couple hours. One night. Of course he was with her. His excuses didn't make sense. But one ONE incident? I couldn't make the leap from that to a hidden 2-year affair.

That's what scares me. He hid that SO well. If she hadn't told me, I'd never know. If he was ever to do it again, I'd never know. He was THAT good.

Moments of black eyes, i.e., moments she was looking through me, not at me.

Inconsistent behaviors, behaviors that did not match discussions that were going on, or marriage, kids, or family concerns.

Over compensating info to me and details that otherwise seemed meaningless.

Anger.

New interests, such paying particular attention to a certain football team states she previously would have no interest in.

Spending extra time in front of the mirror.

Oh man this is still hard for me to think about and I've been divorced almost three months.

A few things, that in the moment didn't make any sense but later I saw as signs I missed:

He would be late to get the kids after school. He picked them up from my mom's house as she's our after school care and a few times she called me to see where he was and there was always an excuse like a meeting.

He suddenly started going out. Keep in mind his A was only two months start to finish and yet he was such a homebody before. I always encouraged him to go get drinks with the guys or whatever so when he had plans a few times in that two months on a weekend night I was happy for him. One time he even used my sympathy for the underdog against me by saying a new guy at work who no one liked (which was true) asked him for drinks and he felt bad for him, so I encouraged him to go and stay out late.

He volunteered to chaperone a dance. He had taught HS for 7 years and avoided chaperoning dances that whole time but suddenly he was game for it.

His phone became his bff and he took it to bed with him.

And then these things that still get me to this day:

We went out for his brother's bday and brother's gf laughingly told me how she'd had a dream she caught me kissing her bf (my BIL, who I've always been close to) and ex laughed it off. He got drunk and on the way home said, "Remember her dream? Don't you wonder what it would be like to experience that excitement of kissing someone new?". I remember being hurt and annoyed but brushing it off. This was about two weeks before dday and at that point he'd slept with her once already.

And, one night he went to bed early and I didn't notice he had his phone. I went to use the bathroom and caught him on his phone and he panicked and shut it down immediately. He had declined sex that night and I assumed he was masturbating to porn. After dday it hit me he was probably sexting her.

There were other things, too. Shaving his pubes, less sex and when we had it he didn't want foreplay and only wanted it from behind where he wasn't looking at my face (which I also didn't connect until after dday...he was always a fan of that position but during his a that was ALL we did). Being short with the kids. All the stereotypical bullshit.

Oh it's so easy to see now...

The phone was a big one. All of a sudden it was never out of his sight. He claimed it was because business never sleeps.

OW's number kept showing up in his phone after he 'deleted' it when I first asked him to (I didn't like her and she wasn't a COW anymore). He said he has no idea how it kept coming back, maybe when he did updates it was saved in his contacts from before. I was so stupid to believe that!

Bought all new underwear and clothes. He used to wear underwear with holes!! Suddenly he bought really nice underwear that I helped him pick out...ugh!

Lost a ton of weight and kept talking about wanting to workout

Made weird excuses why he was late or where he was going that never made sense but for some reason I believed him.

Sometimes I would call or text and he wouldn't get back to me until later and say 'oh, your calls never came through'. I knew they did. iPhones always send a message when you have a missed call even if you have and reception at the time.

I feel so dumb for not noticing...but every time I asked him about it he lied, denied and got angry at me for being suspicious. I never had any hard proof until DDay.

OMG Deephurt. I had to look twice at this. I thought I had written this. Guess we all have a lot of similar strories. We just thought they loved us so much they would never do something like this. Personally I think it's just chicken sh... They were selfish and didn't want us to be with anyone else!

freaking out if I touched his phone

keeping his phone on him all the time

getting on the phone as soon as he got in the car

not getting out of the car immediately when he got home, until he got off the phone

I should have checked the numbers that i saw on his bill to confirm they were who he said they were

should have called cell phone company to continue with detailed bills when they changed to no details

decrease in sex drive

never stayed home-always went out

late coming home from work -should have checked on his excuses

The phone was the biggest give away that I just didn't notice.....i feel so stupid for believing anything he told me and believing that I had a faithful husband that would never do anything to hurt me.

Lesson learned.....trust no one.

Also have to add:

Always trying to pick a fight

Walking outside to talk ( we live in the country so I thought reception was bad 😳

We even went through counseling and the affair never came up. Wth???

I also feel stupid. Never again will I love with my eyes tightly shut. They are wide open. But the day I feel the need to constantly check up on him.....I will quit.