SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We're not married.

We've been together for 7 years. We felt married. By common law in many states we would've been (though not in our own) he proposed 2 years ago and I had actually started planning the wedding about a month before Dday.

What is the difference? We FELT married. We called each other husband and wife.

My question is basically the title. What is the difference? So what we weren't legally married it still sucks just as much. We still had the same rules against infidelity that married couples have. So why does it make a bs pain who's been married for a few years but together for 7 more valid? Harder on them? It's still a damn hard decision. It's still a shitty thing to go through.

Do you get what I'm asking? I'm looking for input. as much as I can get.

I don't think a married BS' pain is any more valid or real than your own. You were in a long-term committed (or so you thought) relationship. He *did* cheat on you. Your pain is real, and I hope people aren't telling you it is somehow less than what the rest of us are feeling.

Are you asking why people,who aren't married, usually get the advice to run,as opposed to those who are married?

I usually advise they run...unless their are children involved.

Why? Because it's much easier to leave when you're not legally entangled. Not emotionally easy, but in every other way.

And, dating serves a purpose. You're looking...usually...for a life partner. When someone you're dating shows themselves to be a liar and a cheater, then you can break up, and date someone else, as you search for a person who has the qualities you're looking for in a spouse.

And...usually...when you're dating..And not married..each of you are showing the other person your best self. It's the honeymoon period of the relationship. If they cheat during this time, it's a huge indicator that you can expect more of the same in the future.

Again...it's different when there's kids involved.

I don't see any difference other than legally. A relationship is a relationship to me, especially where boundaries are put into place and relationship rules are followed.

Maybe the same "difference" as someone married for 30years vs 8y.

Or the "difference" of a LTA vs ONS. Or One A. Vs several.

If it hurts you, then it matters...regardless of any "differences".

[This message edited by Green2016 at 9:36 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

In same boat..look at my signature. I saw it as a marriage. I thought she did too but seeing how she cheated on me with a married man, maybe it was good that we didn't get married. She obviously didn't have the same view on what marriage means.

I think there is a difference between people who are dating (even if they are at the stage of thinking of getting married) and those who are married and/or in a relationship that has gone on for years.Just because it's usually easier to cut and run when you're dating.

In your case, I would classify you in the latter category - you acted as though you were married, you have been together for years and presumably had a house etc together? I think it's those things (the mortgage, the shared accounts and kids) that make it harder to split rather than the actual marriage certificate.

And no doubt the pain is equal.

Emotionally there is no real difference... Legally being married and getting a divorce is much, much messier. Your feelings don't hurt any less but the financial and legal impact of infidelity on married folks can be more complicated...

I doubt the pain would be different. The entanglement legally (perhaps financially)and if children are involved are the difference makers.

It would have been much easier for me to just cut and run had we not been married and had we not had kids. Financially I am free, so I am thankful for that. However, I can see how that would affect a decision to try to R as well.

I used to wonder what I would have done without the kids involved...for me that is easy to answer...I would be gone.

Would I have regretted it down the road? Maybe, maybe not. It's those "what if" questions that I used to ask but don't need to anymore. I chose R for the kids at first. Now I am choosing R for the family as a whole, if that makes sense. If you choose R, your reasons are yours and ok too! If you choose leave, also ok!

The pain is here regardless of any of it. Sorry you are feeling less than able to grieve like anyone else. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

I felt connected to my WH in a different way after we got married. I should add that we didn't live together or share finances prior to marriage.

At the end of the day, pain is pain.

I don't think the pain felt is any different. Infidelity is awful.

I can tell you that I am married with kids, but what has run thru my head since dday is if I didn't have kids I don't know that I would stay. I don't feel like I have the options like you do. Not that I think your pain is any less. It is just that I feel that I need to try to stay and work on this as long as my WH is remorseful. But see here, it's sort of like I don't feel i am choosing me. I can't just think of myself, I have kids. I want to know I did my very best for them. I am not saying I think anyone with kids should stay, if my WH wasn't trying I would leave.

It is such a hard decision I agree. I think it just becomes more complicated when you add kids to this mess. But please don't think for one minute your pain is less, I never think that way. This all just sucks.

Stuckinlimbo, that's exactly it.

When he finally out and told me the whole truth after TT, I thought, thank god we're not actually married.

But I guess that thought answers me question.

Struggling, I feel as if I am less allowed(?) to feel the pain and shock and whatever it is than the rest who are married. I got told basically that "I am free what does it matter, I'm not married so I am free to move on" I don't even know what that means but it made me feel like the infidelity I'm going though is less valid than the rest of y'alls.

I just don't even know. I guess I'm having a bad day? I thought it was going ok but it amazes me how often I suppress my true emotions. And occasionally I get a glimpse (like now) and I think oh yeah! Right, I feel like shit I almost forgot. Oops.

Survivor, this makes sense to me but also...I have a son....

it's sort of like I don't feel i am choosing me. I can't just think of myself, I have kids. I want to know I did my very best for them. I

I stay for my son. It was literally he only reason I had decided to wait it out and see how I feel about it later (have not decided to R by a long shot) but I did it for my son. Otherwise I would have been out the door in a heartbeat and not even thought twice about it. Fucker is lucky he's a father too.

[This message edited by Trippd at 10:29 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

I wouldn't say the it makes it more valid if you're married or been together a long time. The pain is very real either way but I say its more amplified when there was more investment. My mother is going through it now as my father was caught in affair around the fall(which makes me more pissed at my ExWS as I was emotional when this was going on and she was doing her own dirt) so im reminded how "lucky" i am because I dont have alot on the line compared to her. I can chose to walk away and focus completely on myself and our child.

I stay for my son

dont do this! I know from my own life experience. I'm not saying dont attempt R but you gotta take the chance to sit back and ask what is it you want out of life and the relationship. If you stick around for the pure reason of keeping the family intact, you'll do more harm than good.

[This message edited by Stuckinlimbo8607 at 10:40 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

There is the saying, "Comparisons are odious". Each person comes to SI with a different set of circumstances, but we come here because we've been cheated on. I think we can all agree that infidelity causes an extremely high level of emotional pain regardless of any of the following circumstances:

marriage

kids

length of relationship

emotional, financial or physical support from family, friends, community, etc.

attitudes of family, friends, community to divorce

abusive situations

mental health (depression, anxiety and general resilience)

work and financial situation

the availability and affordability of decent individual or marriage counsellors in your area

about a million other stresses and variables that can affect an individual's or a couple's ability to recover from infidelity.

Let's say that the level of pain from infidelity varies between 70-100 on a pain scale of 100. I don't want to argue with someone over whether my pain was or is a 75 or a 95.

Logistics of splitting up are affected by marriage because a divorce is required. That doesn't really affect the pain level, though. I think how much marriage affects someone's pain from infidelity depends on how much importance they attach to the act of marriage.

I feel as if I am less allowed(?) to feel the pain and shock and whatever it is than the rest who are married.

Aw, Trippd, I'm really sorry you feel that way. Betrayal is betrayal.

I have vague memories of how I felt after 7 years with my W, and I believe splitting then would have been excruciating. I can't help thinking that any 7 year relationship builds bond that are very painful to break, M or no M.

But you're letting someone tell you how much to feel. Gently, that's in you. That's on you. You can tell whoever is sending these messages to fuck off. Or, since that violates guidelines, you can just ignore the messages or even write a snarky response.

You're a full-fledged human being - you feel what you feel.

If you ask a problem-solving question (and some of us react as if all Qs are problems to be solved), you'll get some suggestions about solving the problem.

That's different. It just seems easier to walk away if you don't have to D, have no kids, and have little property.

(((Trippd)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:01 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]