SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My STBX and I were high school sweethearts and married for 15 years. We have 3 kids who are 14, 12 and 10. A few months ago out of the blue my STBX announced he was leaving. Said he was unhappy, had been for years and that he wanted to start a new life. He moved into our basement suite while we are working on a Separation Agreement. I recently discovered that he has been having an affair with my 14 year old daughter's hockey coach for at least the last 6 months. My daughter plays high level hockey and travels a lot with her team. My STBX and this coach were screwing in hotel rooms while my daughter was in the next room!! Our kids don't know about the affair. We told them we grew apart blah blah blah. I'm having trouble deciding if I should tell them. My daughter adores this woman and she has been a good coach. My problem is in September she will be playing for this woman again. It kills me but this is a great team with all her friends. Do I tell my daughter and let her decide if she wants to continue playing for this woman? Or do I suck it up when STBX and her stop hiding and sneaking around and pretend like the just started dating? I'm not sure why I'm the one who should have to suck it up and lie for him? He's the one who crossed the line and should have to pay the consequences. I feel like he's getting to walk away with everything he wanted and I'm stuck suffering in silence to protect the kids!? Help!

Thank you

Please tell her. She is old enough to know and you dont want her finding out on her own or have another girl tell her.

As a betrayed child myself, I'd have much rather heard from my dad (who was the cheater) than to overhear others laughing and chuckling about it.

I would also be tempted to inform OW's boss too. Ow is sleeping with one of her players fathers? That's something that as an employer I would want to know and rectify (by dismissing ow).

No good coach who has the best interests of her team in mind would start fucking a player's father, I don't care how "good" she is otherwise. This is not healthy for your daughter or her team.

How sad.

(((Luvmypups))) sorry you find yourself here.

Questions for you to think about: Do you think the STBX & coach will go public at some point with their relationship or keep it under wraps forever? If (when) that happens, how do you expect your daughter to react? How will the kids feel, knowing you kept the real reason for the family dissolving? Will they hold it against you because you were dishonest with them?

You might want to consider an age appropriate truth: when people marry, they make promises to each other. Dad has not kept his promises. Then you can wait until they ask for more but be prepared to answer "what promise?" It will likely progress from there as they want more details. You can always stop short of naming names. But you might be surprised at what your 14 yr old is wondering about and didn't want to approach you about it.

You do not have to cover for him! He fired you from that job.

Luvmypups. (((Hugs)))

I see this is your first post on si.

May I welcome you to the club that no one wants to be a part of, yet there is no better place for you to be right now.

Also, as you post and receive recommendations, please take the info that matters to your situation and leave the rest.

Every poster here wants to help you but none have been in your exact shoes. But we all have worn the shoes of infidelity one way or another.

I personally have not been betrayed in the same way as you have, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my son's high level sport.

My son has played in his sport competitively since he was twelve years old. He has just turned 16.

His sport is considered a summer sport, yet my son plays, trains , trys out and travels all year long. 5-6 or 7 days a week all year long.

He played for his school as well since grade 7.

Plays for our capital cities team and has gone to nationals twice. Hoping this year will make a third time.

He has also played for our provincial team since he was twelve.

His nationals coach is also an assistant coach for the provincial team. So he is involved with training my son's teams all year round in one form or another.

Last year they made it to nationals. Before this my cheating radar was going off big time and my gut was screaming that the married coach was fooling around with the married team manager.

I was right and this spring, after he left his poor wife and she filed for divorce from her 'awful' husband, they moved in together and 'started dating'

These are discusting people and I can hardly stand the site of them.

But my son might suffer if I show it. He is a starter for both teams and is never subbed out. He is learning responsibility and so much more being a part of these teams, I'm so proud of him.

This got longer then I planned.

My point is that my son brought it up to me in June. I asked him what he thought of them dating?

He said he and the guys on the team don't believe that the dating was a new thing and he thought it was wrong and he lost a bit of respect for his coach.

My stomach tightened at that but it's not like kids have zero radar themselves.

It could be possible that your daughter already has an inkling that this has happened. Or her friends may know and someday tell her themselves.

Who should the information come from?

I send you all the strength I have to give you.

Strength

I would never be part of the cover up. I simply wouldn't. Any fallout that comes from your poor DD finding out falls at the feet of the cheaters, if they hadn't done anything, there would have been nothing to find out.

She will be your daughter your whole life, your WH, not necessarily so. Your DD, unfortunately only has one honest, dependable parent she can trust. Don't forgo that to save face for the waywards, or even for a sports team. And you not telling doesn't mean she won't find out from someone else or, heaven forbid, she could catch them at the next away game.

I am so sorry those two asshats created this shit storm.

I would never lie to my child. Hockey is hockey, and yeah... I get it; sports, friends, it's all character-building. So too is having at least one adult in your life who will always tell you the truth.

Your daughter might find out on her own. She might put two and two together. If she does, she's quite likely to wonder why neither of her parents told her the real reason her home life has changed.

Is the "grew apart" story meant to protect them? If so, protect them from what?

Are you preparing them for the D? Have they been asking questions?

Have you confronted him about the PA? Have you exposed the A to any one? Do you intend to?

These questions weave into how you should tell them about the A.

My opinion is that you should tell all of the children. I agree that your daughter should be told about the OW. She is going to have to navigate this in the near future. You need to give her the support and confidence she will need.

And telling her isn't about a consequence for him. It's about giving her knowledge so she can process what she is about to see unfolding.

Greetings,

Im sorry to hear of your situation-

As much as this hurts to do, be truthful to your daughter- if you need to tell her in a counseling office then do so - shes old enough to know the truth and you dont want it coming back to you that you lied or withheld from her - she will eventually find out

Don't suffer in silence, consider some IC to help you work through these issues and how to address any issues your daughter may have - dont cover for him

This is not your fault and you had nothing to do with their choices but now you have a responsibility to do all you can to get and stay healthy not only for you but your daughter

[This message edited by Hav1byte at 8:01 PM, August 5th (Saturday)]

Read my profile. Some similarities. In my situation we R'd but if it went the other way you better believe without a doubt everyone would know the truth. I was ready to unwind all our assets and D within the first two weeks. That included meeting together with kids.

FWW came out the fog pretty damn quick....

I just wanted to tell you to please talk to the daughter who plays hockey. She's not "a child" in that she is aware of sex and sexuality. My first thought was how could you think she doesn't know? She's not blind to body language etc. She probably is terrified of telling you because she would put the responsibility of your pain on herself since she was the messenger.

If you are uncomfortable with telling her outright, sit down and talk to her about how she can really tell you anything if she needs to talk and that you are an adult and you can handle it, even if it's something she knows is hurtful to you.

Tough question.

I lean towards telling her (all the kids) part of the truth. I agree with others that have said that the kids should hear it from you and/or your H, not other people. I also agree with others that you want your kids to trust that you will be honest with them and they can depend on you. I also think your daughter should have a say in whether she wants to keep playing for this coach and have time to process everything before having to be face to face with her knowing the coach/OW ripped apart her family.

But at they same time, these are kids we are talking about. They cannot process things the way adults can. Their lives depend on their parents at this point, they are not independent. Their dad will always be their dad and you want them to have as healthy a relationship with him as possible. And the knowledge that their dad broke up their family will have lasting consequences in their hearts and minds, even in regards to questioning his love for them. The whole story is not good or necessary for children.

My suggestion would be to tell them something along the lines of: H broke your vows to love honor and respect you and you are having trouble trusting him, neither of you are happy together at this point, and MAYBE that he has feelings for another woman. I suggest asking your IC how to handle it, and I like the suggestion to tell them with a counselor. If not with a counselor, I would suggest taking them for at least a few visits to talk about how they feel and how to move forward.

And after the kids have a chance to process the basics of why their family is breaking up, be ready for questions for more details from them. Reveal those details you feel are appropriate and necessary. And I agree the daughter probably needs to know the most since it involves her coach. She will eventually need to know who it is that dad wants to be with. And she needs to know that before practice and the season starts.

I would ask him if he's pursuing a relationship with her and if they're going to go public with it once he moves out. This is going to be extremely hard on your daughter even if she doesn't know about the affair, because her teammates will become aware of the relationship and that's an uncomfortable situation for any teenager, there's a possibility that she might face some embarrassing or unpleasant remarks or accusations of favouritism or a hundred other things.

I wish they were a tiny bit less selfish and could have prioritized her needs, ideally if this relationship is important enough to the coach she should be stepping down from working with the team, it's unfair for your daughter to suffer consequences for their actions. You're not in control of that, though.

In the end you need to balance the risk/rewards. You definitely don't want your daughter finding out from someone outside your family. If there's a possibility of that happening, your ex should be taking responsibility for telling her this. You also don't want to tell her and have the relationship crumble before it goes further. It is also undesirable if it puts her in a position of having to align her loyalty with one parent or another. Kids need to love and trust their parents, and their immature alliances can be fleeting depending on who punished them recently or who bought them the coolest Christmas gift. The parent who has their kids' best interests in mind will often lose at that game.

In the end kids WILL grow up to know which parent worked hardest, sacrificed most, and showed the most respect and teamwork to the other parent. Hopefully if you work closely with your WS on this, you can contain the damage and he can take responsibility for his (much bigger) part in jeopardizing, or ending the marriage. It's not wrong to be honest, but do it in a way that shows them your love and care for them, not your (well-earned) contempt for your spouse.

When I was in sixth grade our teacher Mr McG was having an affair with a class mates mom, Mrs A.

While we didn;t know 100% of the details, us kids knew something was up, we were a little too young to add it all up but I asked my mom about it many years later she said it the worst kept secret at Lakeville Elementary.

Is there a chance that the teammates know? Fourteen year olds are more aware these days.

Should you tell the kids?

short answer: yes

long answer: Hell yes

It's time to shine the daylight on your H's fantasy world. Don't help him hide his betrayal any longer. Let your kids know what he has done. Tell all of your daughter's team parents what type of person is coaching their kids.

nothing kills an A faster than exposure and truth.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 2:00 AM, August 6th (Sunday)]

Please talk to the administration of your daughter's hockey club. The coach should be made to step down in my opinion.

I suppose my question to you is what do you hope to achieve? If it's the moral high ground (you already have it) I'd say no.

She's probably going to feel incredibly betrayed by her father and coach and may feel the need to withdraw from her team. Are there other teams she can join at the same level in which she has a social network?

If you do decide to tell her please, please make sure you have a psychologist available to her immediately and that she has other options for training hockey lined up.

14 is still a child, I don't think that parents should pull their children into adult issues they aren't emotionally equipped to process.

To be honest I think you're asking the wrong people, the majority of members here are emotionally biased - and understandably so. But when it comes to your children please seek professional guidance and don't rely on the opinions of those who largely post from a subjective position.

I suppose my question to you is what do you hope to achieve? If it's the moral high ground (you already have it) I'd say no.

She's probably going to feel incredibly betrayed by her father and coach and may feel the need to withdraw from her team. Are there other teams she can join at the same level in which she has a social network?

If you do decide to tell her please, please make sure you have a psychologist available to her immediately and that she has other options for training hockey lined up.

14 is still a child, I don't think that parents should pull their children into adult issues they aren't emotionally equipped to process.

To be honest I think you're asking the wrong people, the majority of members here are emotionally biased - and understandably so. But when it comes to your children please seek professional guidance and don't rely on the opinions of those who largely post from a subjective position.

My therapist told me at the time D was looking to tell my children (same age as yours) but I fid not want to shatter them.

My therapist said if I don't tell them the honest reason, they will think the divorce is my idea and resent me for it. I did not want to tell them their father was cheating. I was somewhat stuck in trying to minimize their pain but not have it come back and appear as though I was the one that left the marriage.

At some point I no longer cared what my kids thought and was very prepared to tell them the absolute truth.

I think they need to know the truth and hear it from the parents. Honestly you can tell your children their father has chosen to be with someone else and who it is. And your H needs to be there for that conversation.

Please talk to the administration of your daughter's hockey club. The coach should be made to step down in my opinion.

I woke up with this thread on my mind and found myself thinking similar thoughts to Still-living. Isn't this a massive breach of ethics in a coaching situation? This OW was in a position of trust. And here your daughter is, probably still treating this coach with kindness and respect when all along the woman has sabotaged her family and her home-life. She's going to feel like such a putz when she finally finds out.

Not only does age-appropriate honesty cement a relationship of trust with your daughter, but there's also an opportunity to allow your kids to see you standing up for what's right and fighting against what's wrong. It's a chance for them to see how a strong woman reacts to dishonest, unethical people.

I would inform whatever administrative authority is involved and ask point-blank for this coach's removal on ethics violations.. and I would tell my kids (in an age-appropriate manner and without editorializing) the truth about why their family is changing.