SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kids are aware. Kids are savvy. You think you are protecting them... you're not.

More than likely the parents of the other hockey players know about the affair... and the kids do too. When a team travels, practices and plays together it is a close knit group with everyday drama....there are no secrets.

You children deserve to know what destroyed your marriage. Just the facts in an age appropriate way. No bashing but you can acknowledge your hurt. Your kids need and deserve the truth.

(luvmypups)) I hope you are taking care of yourself. Please use the resources of this site and start to read. In the Yellow box is the Healing Library and on the top of the Just Found Out Forum is the Tactical Primer. Read. Read.

I hope you have been screened for STDS. I hope the partner of the OW know what is going on.

Cheaters always rewrite the history of their marriage... they have to find some excuse to explain their lack of morals and character. Remember you did nothing to deserve this.

Please keep reading and keep posting.

I suppose my question to you is what do you hope to achieve? If it's the moral high ground (you already have it) I'd say no.

She's probably going to feel incredibly betrayed by her father and coach and may feel the need to withdraw from her team. Are there other teams she can join at the same level in which she has a social network?

If you do decide to tell her please, please make sure you have a psychologist available to her immediately and that she has other options for training hockey lined up.

14 is still a child, I don't think that parents should pull their children into adult issues they aren't emotionally equipped to process.

To be honest I think you're asking the wrong people, the majority of members here are emotionally biased - and understandably so. But when it comes to your children please seek professional guidance and don't rely on the opinions of those who largely post from a subjective position.

I very much agree with this.

There is NO way this news isn't going to completely destroy her passion and her enjoyment of her current sport and team participation.

Make no mistake - her father is a complete piece of shit for crossing this line, and so is the coach. Who knows how these two idiots will play it off once you're completely separated and he's out of the house. Maybe they'll pretend they 'just started dating' in the near future. Who knows.

When I left my serial cheating husband, my son was 9 years old. I didn't tell him why we separated, preferring just to explain to him that daddy and I were better off not being married and it just didn't work out.

I didn't do that to protect his father, or to keep his father's dirty little secret. I did it for my son, because I didn't want him to lose his love and respect for his father and I didn't want his relationship with his father forever tainted. I didn't want my SON to lose that. I couldn't care less if his father fell off the edge of the earth and while his FATHER didn't deserve his son's love and respect, I didn't want my innocent son to have to lose anything more than he'd already lost with the breakup of his family.

JMHO.

I'd try to get the sport administration involved - your daughter will likely feel shame from her fathers behavior and rightly so. Be prepared to deal with that.

If the coach steps down - it all begins to feel more salvageable for your daughter otherwise, that's just a total cluster. No good ending. Friends talking - your daughter feels funny - being coached by OW.

I'd get my kid away from that person by removing her.

The truth can have a way (and almost always does) of seeping out when least expected. Lies have destroyed the family, and I doubt lies of omission will heal it.

I think you are fortunate that you will be able to deliver the truth in a loving and more controlled manner. It's traumatic when the truth is discovered in a way that leads to a sense of more betrayal or even misunderstood ideas of responsibility for what has happened. Our children discovered in an unpleasant way, and though it was painful I do not regret them knowing the truth. I would have preferred a controlled and less traumatic disclosure, but that's not the way our Dday occurred.

I think that the poster who refers to themselves as a "betrayed child" captures the essence of how this feels. I was also a "betrayed child" and I can I fully appreciate that term. A great deal of misconception and self hurt comes along with being a betrayed child who isn't given the courtesy of the truth, a chance for discussion and help with healing.

Yes, I'd say many of us have a bias here, My bias is that the truth is preferable to the lie. The truth can be cofronted and dealt with in reality. We can be taught to cope with it, accept it, and heal from it. But lies lead to more injury, can't be accepted and coped with because they change with the wind.

All of our children are now adults. They were certainly affected by the infidelity... and in their case the AP was a teacher in their school and "friend". One of our children was more affected as she had a closer relationship than the others to this "teacher". She has been in therapy over the years and thankfully she will never have to question why this person was suddenly treating her differently, sometimes nice and sometimes a bit emotionally abusive to her. I can't imgane her growing up thinking that this person treated her strangely because their was something wrong with her. I would never have known about any of it, had the truth been concealed from her and her and I could never speak about it. While I couldn't save her and her siblings from all of the infidelity trauma, I know the ability to discuss the truth saved her and the others from additional trauma.

Definitely report this coach. She should be fired and for reasons that should be shared with future employers when they do reference checks. This is a disgusting violation of ethics which could really traumatize your daughter if/when she finds out.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:43 AM, August 6th (Sunday)]

Definitely report this coach. She should be fired and for reasons that should be shared with future employers when they do reference checks

I agree. A good friend of mine's wife had an affair with her daughter's dance teacher when her daughter was 12 years old. My friend found out and divorced his wife. He never told the daughter. She found out anyway and blamed herself (her mother used to make the teacher cookies and ask her daughter to give them to him ). She thought if she had never taken dance lessons, it wouldn't have happened. Her Dad didn't find out that she knew until she was 19 years old and having psychological problems. THEY ALWAYS FIND OUT. Kids aren't stupid.

Tell her the truth and definitely report this coach to the authorities in charge. She shouldn't be able to coach young girls - this probably isn't the first time she's done this and won't be the last. I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves this and it sucks that these so called "adults" never think of the repercussions this has on their children let alone their wives/husbands. I wish you and your children all the best - you deserve it.

We did not tell the kids until we had to. A friend of the exOW was threatening to go public as a part of her revenge. One might call it attempted extortion.

We asked our counselor for guidance on what to say and what to do - and how to reassure them of the way we were healing as we went.

Our kids were early adult, though. And that makes a difference. We did ask them, if this doesn't go public, who did they want to know, since it was in a place where everyone knows everyone? They wanted it to stay between us and didn't even want to their friends or who they were dating. They asked us to just keep it limited to our own support circles and counselors to keep drama in their life to a minimum. They absolutely supported the programs we were in, and asked that we continue.

The OW did not follow through with the threat. We kept some "carrots" in front of her, so she behaved. So far. But at least the kids know, and over the years, their own spouses may be made aware, as they becomes a part of our own family too.

We are a little concerned right now, as some issues are happening with her an a different MM and his wife. That could expose us as her MM may have a lot of detail. If he goes public in his own drama, I am glad our kids learned from us, and won't hear it second hand from others, even if it is now 4 years later.

You really should tell her with your STBX if he will cooperate. Kids always blame themselves so both of you sending the same message will be helpful.

We have a 15-year old DD who was exposed to the A. She was spousified by my WS at the time of the A and drug into conspiring against me. She is smart and savvy. When d-day came, we both sat down with her and our adult children and told them the truth. It was not easy but since they had been exposed, they needed to know our path forward.

Since then DD has witnessed our road back and has gone to counseling. She has a different view of me and of her father and I would say those views are much more based in reality than fantasy and she has a good outlook. I won't lie - initially the kids were stunned and sad but they were able to get over their shock and be more open and loving too.

They know the truth deep down anyway. They get a lot more out of us modeling appropriate disclosure and behavior than anything else. We get to show them adult ways of managing strife and overcoming adversity. Then they rise to the occasion.

Your situation is very difficult. I think Yuvas is very wise. If you haven't already, I would seek the advice of counselors. Your daughter is very young and this is very complex. Are there other family members who know and can offer help? A trusted aunt, cousin?

Are you certain that your H and this coach are still involved? Your separation from H seems like the easy part of this difficult matter--Im sure your daughter would not be alone in that respect--she may already have friends whose parents are not longer living together. Even the "affair" part is, unfortunately, not unusual. But her father with her coach, her coach with her dad, that's another matter that I think needs great consideration. And while SI members are good people who want to help, this may not be the best place for guidance on such a sensitive matter.

I would try to not involve the daughter as long as possible. That age is such a tough age. My daughter is that age and is an elite club athlete, too. Have you considered approaching the club director about the situation? People probably have been whispering already, but if it were me, I would try not to blow up my child's world. Or, at least, try to have the coach quietly removed.

[This message edited by mharris at 5:00 PM, August 6th (Sunday)]

I was around your daughter's age when my dad had an affair with a family friend who was also the coach of my sister's and my team. Do not lie. I will never forget once when my dad was Irving town for a trip he stopped by practice and the coach went out to talk to him in the lobby. My sister and I went out because we thought he was there to see is us before he left. Turns out he wasn't. Trust me you don't want her to find out that way. Please tell them in an age appropriate way the truth.

I will never forget once when my dad was Irving town for a trip he stopped by practice and the coach went out to talk to him in the lobby. My sister and I went out because we thought he was there to see is us before he left. Turns out he wasn't.

And this is the crux of the problem. While she is young to have to find out this information, it will be far more devastating for her if some other teammate tells her or, even worse, the OW does. The problem with secrets is that the minute more than one person knows, it's not really a secret anymore. This one is compounded by the fact that your husband has been having an affair with someone he wouldn't have known if it weren't for your daughter's hockey. She is likely to blame herself and she really needs someone in her corner that explains that these choices were made by her father and her coach and had nothing to do with her.

Your husband and the coach are douchebags. And it's very sad that your daughter is going to find that out. But it would be much gentler coming from you than from one of her teammates.

And once she knows, I agree that you should then go nuclear about turning in the coach. But definitely don't turn in the coach before you tell your daughter because these things have a way of getting around. And other kids are cruel. If they find out they have a way of getting into your daughter's head, they might just use it. You can eliminate that as a possibility by telling her preemptively.

I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this. I'm just sickened by the complete disregard for propriety your husband and the coach have shown.

Luv- Was thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and what you decided to do?