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Just curious how many of you renewed your vows? We are only 3 months out so I'm sure most would say that's way too soon. I am probably rushing things since it was just 10 days ago I finally got all of my answers about the affair. We will be married 25 years in May. I told WH I would like to renew our vows, just him and I and priest/pastor. No big ceremony. I feel our original vows were broken and I need to hear the promise again from him.

We are also getting new rings. Do you think we should wait until we exchange the vows and would you do it on your original wedding anniversary, before or after (in my case of only being 3 months out)? Thanks for the opinions.

I think you should not renew anything in any way until you're fairly certain he is a safe partner. 3 months is way too early. He has to do the work first. Honor yourself by not jumping into this right away with him. It won't keep him honest. Only hard work on himself will.

You had TT just a few days ago. He's not a safe partner yet.

[This message edited by sewardak at 6:53 AM, January 13th (Saturday)]

I see why you would like to do it on your 25th anniversary, that’s a really sweet concept that I think we all would’ve loved to do before infidelity hit our marriages. I do think it is too soon though. If you rush to renew vows, your WH may feel it’s a fresh start and be inclined to rug sweep the affair.

Could you hold off until your 26th anniversary? You still have a quite a rollercoaster ahead of you. At 3 months out I was still in a lot of shock and denial and self blame. I wasn’t making the best choices for myself yet.

I know it’s hard, but I would really try and give it some more time. Have him prove to you that he is worth reconciliation. Make sure that you are ready, so when you do renew vows, you can say without hesitation that you are all in.

Good luck to you.

I think it is way too soon to consider renewing your vows. You have much ahead of you. It is truly a roller coaster ride. Please give it time. You need to be sure of the R that in progress. I understand because if the 25th coming up but it most likely isn't the right time. We are in year 5 of R. We will be married 35 years in 2019. That's the soonest I would consider it. (((HUGS)))

After dday last month, I threw both of my rings and his ring in the garbage. So neither of us are wearing rings and I have no desire to. My rings meant something to me, but obviously WH didn’t share those feelings.

I wouldn’t even consider getting new rings after such a short period of time. For me, it would be after a year MINIMUM and if everything was going perfectly with R.

I know exactly how you're feeling and believe me when I say this, You will regret doing that.

Take your time, get to the point that you actually feel it, because you'll beat yourself up for doing it until you've worked through everything.

I wanted to do this for our 25th anniversary, but when push came to shove, I couldn't bring myself to do any planning or commit to doing the vows. I told H that I just wasn't ready to do that. We have just past the 28 year mark and I believe I'll be more than ready for the 30th anniversary.

You always hear 2-5 years to heal. Well, it took me A LOT longer than that. I would have so regretted saying vows or hearing vows before this. So please do not jump into anything.

My WH offered new rings and a vow renewal shortly after DDay. I honestly told him, yes, that is what I want ONLY after I am 100% sure we are totally R'd, not just working on R. And that it wouldn't be any time soon.

He asked what that would take - I told him proven behavior over time.

I admire your optimism at such a short time out (I'm still a wreck at 6 months post DDay). Please don't rush into anything. There is time.

We are 1 month shy of 3 years out. We started talking about a vow renewal and new rings last year. This past summer my fwh proposed to me at the same place as the original proposal. Is was really sweet. This time he did it on his knee and actually asked me to marry him. The first time he asked me to please wear the ring, he didn’t really ask me to marry him. We have chosen a new date, six months from our anniversary date, we have not chosen a year. He will be getting me a new ring and a new diamond for the old ring. It may take another couple of years. Neither of us are in a hurry because we want to make sure it is the right time.

It takes 2 to 5 years to heal. At 3 months, there was absolutely no way. Please take time for yourself. This takes time and hard work.

I don't want a vow renewal. Mine haven't been broken. I will consider a vow renewal if I am ever again in a place where I don't consider divorce an option.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 10:26 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

Our original ceremony was in the old growth forest and included a hand-fasting. After d-day we kept seeing hand-fast ceremonies in television and movies we watched, and each time it triggered me, and triggered a conversation about our broken vows. I told her I didn't want to restate our vows because they no longer were dear to me (she had vowed to do "everything humanly possible to keep me safe and guard my heart") because she had chosen to do just the opposite. But I did tell her, after watching a scene with a particularly intimate, private hand-fast between two characters in a historical mini-series, that I might want to do a new hand-fast. But it had to have special meaning . . . it couldn't just be the same thing we did before.

Just before Christmas we were out in the same forest hiking in the new snow at dusk. I spontaneously took her scarf and her hand and began to bind our hands. Instead of north/south/east/west like our first ceremony, I told her I wanted our new promises bound: love, respect, honesty, fidelity. It was clumsy and imperfect, but we were fully in the moment. These new promises were also represented in the promise ring we added to my wedding band a few months earlier . . . in the quad setting of the center diamonds, representing love, respect, honesty, and fidelity. We had assumed these things in our first ceremony -- but now we knew we can not survive without them.

A couple days later when I opened my Christmas card from her, she had quoted those promises. This was not a simple thing for her, and it indicated to me she had paid attention and wanted to be sure she knew what was expected of her. There is a chance we may repeat this act of binding a few more times in our lifetime. I am pretty confident she never wants to repeat being unfaithful and hurting the very person she was so thrilled to marry under the old growth canopy the first time we did the hand fast.

This time it was a healing activity . . . at about 26 months post d-day. Our 4th wedding anniversary will be this summer . . . and in November we will have been together 20 years. Relationships are messy, and ours certainly does not fit neatly into the "calendar of special dates."

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 4:35 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

We plan to renew our vows at 25 years also. We will be 4 years out then. But we are keeping our rings. I am an oddball who still wants to celebrate our anniversary. He slipped up, but that day is still important to us and what we said then was meant.

Anyway I wanted to say what we plan to do though. We plan to get matching tattoos on our ring finger that is our wedding date. We aren’t tattoo people. The date can’t be removed (although he never removed his ring) so it’s kind of holds a deeper meaning than just a ring.

With all that said- I’d wait on renewing vows. You’ve got so far to go yet. Renewing vows would be a distraction. Why not instead plan a trip away together where you can become a couple again. I know that helped our healing.

Sounds like you really need him to say his vows again. If it feels right for you, that's up to you. Just know that if you do, you still have the option to go through the healing process. The renewel doesn't mean you have to pretend you're all ok and have no doubts, fears or crushing feelings associated with betrayal. As for me, I'm three years out and have no desire to renew my vows. The only ones that meant anything to me are the first ones. I'll never accept my h's words as truth again. I'll always wonder if he'll do something again. It's very optimistic of you to be wanting to hear the vows again and I'm hopeful for you! It's encouraging.

I feel our original vows were broken and I need to hear the promise again from him.

Yes, the original vows HE made to you were broken, you have honored the vows you made to him. Do you think you can believe new promises/vows from him at this stage? These are rhetorical questions for you to consider but what has he done to show he is committed to fidelity, to be honest and open with you, and do you think enough time has passed for him to prove he will continue doing so?

Very gently, what has changed to make you believe these vows will be more effective than his first were?

I'm really sorry to ask that, but obviously I think it's a question you need to answer for yourself.

You all are right. I don’t know what I was thinking other than how romantic it’d be to exchange vows on our 25th anniversary. It was just a week ago he came clean from the last lie. I think I’m guilty of trying too rug sweep this and make it go away. I’ve only been dealing with this 12 weeks and I’m so tired of the pain. I want to feel better...feel hopeful.

Approaching a milestone anniversary is especially painful so soon after d-day. It should be a time to celebrate with each other, to do something really special together, but I found it (our 30th) to be unbearable. I cried like I have never cried before, and I am not someone who cries. What you are feeling is completely normal and your feelings can change daily. Do what you can to take care of YOU until you can stabilize your emotions from the destruction he caused.

It's waaayyyyy too soon.

Frankly, the though of my husband making the same vows to me that he broke is not appealing.

My FWH and I renewed our vows, and I received a ring that we had both picked out. This was on our 25th year of marriage, however it was also 5 years after DDay. It took 4 years for me to make the decision that I felt secure enough to do a vow renewal. Yeah, I went back and forth about it before, mostly back, but I only got serious about it at year 4.

We opted to chose the closest day that was possible of the date that we saw our MC, who later became my IC. Who was not only a licensed therapist, but also a pastor, so he officiated at our vow renewal. The only witnesses there were a couple with whom we had supported and been supported by, with their potentially marriage-ending issues. It's a day that I truly treasure.

I'll say that IMO, 3 months is far too early. You need to feel SAFE to renew vows that were shattered. Simply renewing vows won't make you feel safer. And frankly, as strange as it sounds, it's not fair to either you, or your WH. It's not fair to you because I fear that instead of bringing you peace, it will put a lot of pressure on you, to "be over it" And it's not fair to your WH because he needs to do the work, and prove to you beyond a reasonable shadow of a doubt that he is capable of doing the work to become a safe partner to you. Instead of getting what might feel like a "get out of jail free" card and potentially thinking that all's well.

Yes, your vows were broken. And yes, he should renew his pledge to you. But saying the words means absolutely nothing, until you KNOW that the long-term actions that PROVE the words, have been taken.