SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

These last 3 days have been the worst days of my life. On Thursday I found out my wife of 17 years was having a 6-9 month affair with a coworker. She also admitted to a previous 15 year affair that lasted until 6 months before this new affair started. Our marriage had the typical up and downs, but overall I thought it was very solid. Knowing what I know now there were red flags. I did have some suspicions but trusted my wife too much. Over the course of the two affairs she had sex (all unprotected) more with her lovers than we have had in our 17 years of marriage. They had sex in cars in meeting rooms, all over the place.

I was concerned about the lack of passion and that was my biggest complaint about my marriage (my wife never complained). I was constantly trying and suggesting different things to ignite passion back into our marriage but would be consistently met with rejection or just enough to get me to stop bothering her. Finding out the details, she was doing these things with her lovers, but not with me.

My wife says she loves me. I think she loves me as the father of our 4 young children, but not as her husband. She agreed to go to counseling next week, but I'm not sure the damage can ever by rectified. I am willing to try anything for my kids. Telling the kids that mom couldn't live with us anymore was the hardest thing I've ever been through and rocked me to my core.

My emotions go from a sense of betrayal to anger, to extreme sadness. My 14 yo daughter was consoling me (a new lowpoint in my life). I can't talk when we sit down to say dinner prayers. Sometimes I just start sobbing. It will be all I can do to not let my feelings for my wife show through. That being said I still love her (how do you turn that off so quickly), but also have a lot of hatred toward her.

After finding out, I sent non-threatening correspondence to both of her lovers explaining what they have done to me and my family with a few questions. Neither has had the balls to respond to me. I also this morning sent an email to the wife of her lover for 15 years. I don't know if this was sent out of spite, but I thought she should know. I would have liked that.

So I made her get an STD test (at least that came back HIV negative) and we will see if counselling offers any path going forward. I told her that even if we can't get back together she needs to fix her unhealthy lifestyle.

I'm not sure what's next. I think divorce is likely. I don't know how I can ever get over this level of deceit and lies. I don't know how she could ever prove to me this behavior is done. I don't know how I could ever touch her again. My wife has turned me into a paranoid jealous person which is not me. I need to talk to somebody on how to deal with this. I am mostly concerned about my children and keep urging them to ask me questions. The younger ones think she will be home soon. I keep telling them it won't be, but they don't understand.

This has changed my entire life. Our plans for the future etc. I need to dedicate everything to make sure my kids don't get screwed up. I feel my wife has wasted 17 years of my life. I can't imagine trying to find a new partner, but can't live with one that has hurt me so deeply.

excuse the rambling, but I am hoping this will be therapeutic. Does anybody know if any marriage has ever recovered from a situation like this.

I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with. This place is full of knowledgeable and helpful people. I am not far into my journey so I don't have much advice but I know others will be along quickly. I just wanted to say you have been heard and you are not alone. So your WW is not staying at the house with you and your children? Please focus on caring for yourself so that you're able to take care of your children. Drink water, eat and sleep, limit alcohol and try to get some excercise. If you can't sleep, see your doctor for something to help and be honest about what you're going through... An antidepressant may help.

You mentioned the STD check. That's great that you've already had her do it.

How is your WW acting?

Has she ended the affair? (Cheaters lie! You'll need proof it's not still going on)

Is she being open and transparent about her phone, computer, etc?

Honestly, I don't think I would he able to move past such a long history of lies and betrayal. Its gone on your entire marruage. My advice is see an attorney ASAP. you don't have to file immediately but knowledge IS POWER.

How much interaction are you having with your WW right now? Is she seeing the kids? Do you both work outside the house?

Sorry for all the questions but by knowing the details people are able to give better advice.

Once again, so aorry you're here but you'll be glad you found thia community to help navigate this shit!

I don't read a lot in the JFO forum anymore but your story caught my eye. So familiar to me.

My XWH had a long term affair and many short term over the course of our 24+ yr marriage. It's a long road but I am here to tell you that you will survive this. My marriage did not survive it. My XH was not remorseful and reconciliation wasn't possible. You will have a lot of roller coaster emotions for quite a while. I am still experiencing them but not as much. Make sure you take care of yourself. Lots of people on here are very helpful and we can walk this road with you. A good place to start is the Healing library.

I was concerned about the lack of passion and that was my biggest complaint about my marriage (my wife never complained). I was constantly trying and suggesting different things to ignite passion back into our marriage but would be consistently met with rejection or just enough to get me to stop bothering her. Finding out the details, she was doing these things with her lovers, but not with me.

Now you know. The passion was for her lovers not you.

Your marriage has been nothing but a long list of lies. You should inform her coworkers wife as well.

I would also DNA the kids. There's a big chance they aren't biologically yours.

There is nothing much to comfort you now. Sorry you're here.

I'm surprised you found out as much as you did.

Cheaters are notorious liars and rarely give up the truth.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:37 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

My wife says she loves me. I think she loves me as the father of our 4 young children, but not as her husband. She agreed to go to counseling next week, but I'm not sure the damage can ever by rectified. I am willing to try anything for my kids. Telling the kids that mom couldn't live with us anymore was the hardest thing I've ever been through and rocked me to my core.

Not a chance. Nothing but meaningless words out of a cheating liars mouth.

17 years of affairs proves that.

Serial cheaters never stop. Save yourself even more agony and file. You never had a marriage anyway

[This message edited by Marz at 5:59 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

My emotions go from a sense of betrayal to anger, to extreme sadness. My 14 yo daughter was consoling me (a new lowpoint in my life). I can't talk when we sit down to say dinner prayers. Sometimes I just start sobbing. It will be all I can do to not let my feelings for my wife show through. That being said I still love her (how do you turn that off so quickly), but also have a lot of hatred toward her.

You love who you thought she was. That's not who she is or ever will be now.

Get support from your friends and family. Don't hold this is or try and help hide her affairs. You need all the help you can get.

There will be people you can lean on and you need that badly

She agreed to go to counseling next week,

Going into MC right now is the worst thing you can do. IC for you would be best.

Just because you found out doesn't mean her current affair is over. It may go underground. Make sure you inform the current other mans wife.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:36 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

After finding out, I sent non-threatening correspondence to both of her lovers explaining what they have done to me and my family with a few questions. Neither has had the balls to respond to me. I also this morning sent an email to the wife of her lover for 15 years. I don't know if this was sent out of spite, but I thought she should know. I would have liked that.

The first and very smart thing to do. Finish the job. The other mans wife should know as well.

If you let fear define you now it will make this much worse.

You did nothing to deserve this. You've been horribly wronged.

You never had a marriage anyway

This can be a tough and excruciatingly painful thing to hear.

But it's kinda the way I felt about my marriage. You need to hang on to the things that are real right now. Focus on your kids. They are yours, biologically or not. Your love was real for her. The betrayal is real! the pain is real and we are here to help with that.

Stay grounded.

After finding out, I sent non-threatening correspondence to both of her lovers explaining what they have done to me and my family with a few questions. Neither has had the balls to respond to me. I also this morning sent an email to the wife of her lover for 15 years. I don't know if this was sent out of spite, but I thought she should know. I would have liked that.

A total waste of your time. They don't give a damn about you, your family or your future. Neither does your wife for that matter.

i'm so sorry your WW has done this to you! You have found a great place to get advice and support.

It sounds like you have done a lot of things right so far; keep it up! Informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse) was the right thing to do and no, it was not out of spite.

I encourage you to seek IC (Individual Counselling) for yourself. Don't bother with MC (marriage counseling this soon); your WW has a LOT of work to do before you get into that. From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you are interested in working this out anyway (I don't blame you). You don't have to make a decision about divorce or reconciliation anytime soon.

Take care of yourself, your kids. Try to eat, sleep when you can and stay hydrated. You need your wits about you to get through the next several months.

Keep posting; you'll get a lot of good advice.

I wish you peace and strength as you sort through all of this!

I hope by counseling you mean your wife is going into therapy for herself. Marriage counseling at this point is a complete waste of time. Your wife has been cheating on you for your entire 17 year marriage.

If you plan on divorcing, and want to do it in a way that is best for your kids, consider mediation if possible. But speaking to a lawyer first just to get an understanding of your options is best for now.

Sorry you're going through this but I have to agree, I find it hard to believe your wife cares about you beyond what you can provide for her.

And it's not like people get cheated on and turn their love off like a light switch. Otherwise there wouldn't be websites, lawsuits, divorces, broken families, and murder over infidelity. No one expects you to stop loving your wife on a dime just because she betrayed you. But that is not enough reason in itself to stay with her.

Your entire marriage has been a lie, I'm not sure what there is to salvage unless you want to try to make a new marriage with her. With all the baggage she will bring with it. But you have 4 kids you said and at the end of the day it's up to you.

Have you exposed her to family and friends??? Like I said, if you're deadset on divorce you probably shouldn't do that. But if you're on the fence about staying in the marriage then I'd expose. Your wife needs consequences and people to hold her accountable. You don't cheat for 17 years and quit cold turkey.

Also who else knew about the affair besides your wife and her partners?? I'd find it hard to believe she cheated for 17 years and no one else knew over that time.

Over 17 years don't be surprised at who all knew and never told you.

Right now you probably feel humiliated because you were to trusting but the real shame is on her.

Cheaters become very good at lying, hiding and deceiving. Workplace affairs are the hardest to detect.

Don't take any blame or responsibility for her despicable behavior.

Also who else knew about the affair besides your wife and her partners?? I'd find it hard to believe she cheated for 17 years and no one else knew over that time.

In my experience, people knew but they didn't want to be the ones to tell me ( and break up my marriage). In the end it was the LTA partner that told me because she was angry that he had moved on to another AP.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have to agree with the others. It sounds like your wife loves your ability to provide for her - money, childcare, stability for the kids. It doesn't sound like she loves YOU though, or she wouldn't have used you so flagrantly for the past 17 years.

I also agree that you should have the kids' DNA tested. You can always keep the results to yourself if you want to stay their dad, but legally you'll be better prepared to deal with whatever she throws your way. She might try to use them as leverage, so be sure you talk to a lawyer first thing.

And talk with a therapist. ANYONE would need help getting through this. I don't think I would be able to go forward in a marriage with her. She's a despicable person who fooled you for a lifetime. I'm very happy you've put a stop to it!

Good luck.

I am willing to try anything for my kids.

You must save yourself first or you'll be no good for your kids.

They need their father now more than they ever will.

You take as much time as you need to figure out what you want. Think this through. Seek help from others, etc.

It would be best to keep away form your wayward wife at this time so you can think with a clear mind.

Your heart will betray you at this time.

go see your attorney.

go NC with her.

So sorry.

how did you find out? she told you? so is this an exit affair?

You've been given great advice so far. I just want to add that I was the BS for 17 years (12 married) as well, and it will NOT always hurt as badly as it does now. Time truly does help healing. Two years later and the raw BS that I was after DDay is unrecognizable to me.

Hang in there. You will survive this. YOU lived authentically. That's the most important thing. You've kept your integrity and honor. What SHE did to you has no effect on those things.

There will be tough days ahead. OYou will get through them. I did.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:33 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

Crushed....Wow, I am terribly sorry for what you are going through...

Do you know why she came forward to tell you about the LTA? I am guessing you somehow found out about the latest 6 month betrayal but I wonder why she would confess the other unless she was concerned that you'd find out on your own.

How is she conducting herself? Does she seem to have any regret for her actions????

I agree with previous posters, you really need to DNA test your children to see if they are actually yours....very sorry to say this...make sure she is present while you swab the kiddos....maybe this will let her know the depth of her betrayal.

Thank you for all of the support. I found out about her current affair using timeline tracking on Google Maps. I told her I had hired a PI so she may have thought I knew more than I did. The affairs all started at work so it was tough to monitor. I think maybe some of her co-workers may have known, but no mutual acquaintances.

She is remorseful but I think that has more to do with the consequences of me not letting her come home and minimal contact with the kids. She may see what she lost. She is living with her mother and her mother is giving her pressure to fix it.

I told her I don't consider us married now, and that she needs professional help before we even talk. I'm going to take things slow to see what I want to do. Things are happening fast and as some of You mentioned I have time and need to concentrate on me and the Kids. I have a good family support system.

I did order DNA kits for the kids. I do think they are mine (they kinda look like me), but I told her to be prepared for the possibility they are not. I'd be devastated though.

I did hear back from her LTA BS and she thanked me for letting her know. Never heard back from either of the men.

Today has definitely been a more angry day. I did tell her regardless of whether we can reconcile I want her to get help and wish the best for her.