SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a BS. My H had sex with 4 OW. He never paid for a hotel. Sexual encounters either took place in his office or truck. So, I have asked my H this question "how is sex in the car" and he said sex in a car is crowded/clumsy and not the most comfortable but he was able to orgasm every time. Which, I believe, because in my mind, the men can climax pretty easy and basically anywhere. He said in his office he was always worried that the cleaning people would show up or that other workers would return so it was always hurried. Although in his office was a couch. So I am assuming that had to be better.

So, Hollywood would have us believe that affair sex is the best in the world because the forbideness and secrecy of it all creates so much excitement. (And in Hollywood, the women are always beautiful). This my H admits was not his case. He said the OW were women who were avail at the time and not the best looking--just available--and having seen pictures, I would definitely have to agree.

He says sex with me is so much better because there is an intimacy there that wasn't with the OW. He says it's not even a competition and yet as the BS, I feel like how can I compete with forbidden affair sex. I guess since I have never had sex with anyone but my husband and obviously haven't had affair sex I only see what Hollywood tries to sell.

So.... my question is for the former waywards who are female. Is affair sex in a car really that great? Or were there times that you really weren't that in to it even with the whole forbidden, exciting element?

TMI: There was no oral involved and I know my H climaxed every time but I just want a woman's perspective on car sex.

I know it won't change what happened and it won't make it any better or worse but it is a question that I have always wondered but obviously will never ask the OW. And why it matters I can't even begin to find a reason except morbid curiosity?

hopeforthefuture94 There is a thread in the "I can relate" forum where BS can ask questions of WS. You might find more responses and have a better chance at answers there.

Deleted...thought it was request from an AP

[This message edited by Abc123abc at 12:48 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

He says sex with me is so much better because there is an intimacy there that wasn't with the OW. He says it's not even a competition and yet as the BS, I feel like how can I compete with forbidden affair sex. I guess since I have never had sex with anyone but my husband and obviously haven't had affair sex I only see what Hollywood tries to sell.

So many of them say this same bullshit, yet they sure were motivated to have that 'clumsy, not very good car sex' multiple times and in your husband's case, with multiple women as well. So there must have been some kind of appeal to it.

I take their claims with a huge grain of salt.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 8:00 AM, January 27th (Saturday)]

My WW had car sex with AP. Said it was awful, but that was their only option at the time. Well, the other option was to not do it at all, but ya know....

I don't get it. Car sex was something I did when I was younger and lived with my parents, and had literally no other option. It was never any good, clumsy and awkward. I'm a tall guy, so it just never did work well. Why would a grown ass adult want to do that? I suppose in some way, fooling around in a car brings back feelings of urgency that you have when you're young, fooling around with your SO in the backseat of a car. It's all part of the wayward and the excitement of getting away with something forbidden.

Ride and redfury- I understand this entirely

I’m not a WW, but like you too, I never had a problem enjoying my wild side When single. Back in college I was in a fraternity, and casual sex was the norm, and wild uninhibited booze fueled sex was the norm. But I willingly gave that up to be with my ex wife. Now redfury, to your point, I hate slut shaming. I think what a SINGLE woman does is absolutely her right, her expression of sexuality, and frankly, who benefits? Men do! So I never understood the reasoning for slut shaming.

The trade off, however is committed people. Any man or woman who cheats and suffers the stigma of their actions, I can’t really feel all that sorry for. I’m not sure how they could argue not to be called whores while acting like them. Of course with hard work, that doesn’t have to be a permanent label. But at the time, it sure does apply in my opinion. And I’m not exempt really, nor are men who are just as guilty of it as women

Ride to answer you question, I definitely feel that in hindsight I compromised on what I perceived was a better woman to marry vs be wild with. I think the catch 22 is that we can only come to this conclusion after the person we compromised for turned around and stabbed us for it. I guess hind sight is 20/20. Prior to marriage, when my ex and I were dating, her younger sister who I believe has a host of family issues and an insane drive to compete with her sister, made a few passes at me, and always was extremely playful. But out of loyalty and respect I never entertained them, and let they lay buried so as to not hurt my ex wife if she found out her sister was trying to get laid by me. After dday, When the shit hit the fan, I told her all about it, and how I know regret not doing it. I said it to hurt her, but also, probably, with hindsight it was the truth. If I knew my wife would be the bitch to me, I would have happily danced with the devil in her sister. Thered have been no reason not to, and it would have been wild for me.

I guess, we ALL compromise To some degree When we marry, it just depends on what, and why. The why is usually love and respect. Whn the WW actions cause us to doubt the whys, we doubt the compromises. Hindsight is 20/20

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:25 AM, January 27th (Saturday)]

Is car sex awkward and clumsy? Surely the illicitness of the activity, location, knowing they could be caught feeds into the excitement factor.

At some point it also becomes "their" thing. Stealing away moments, also knowing that in minutes they will be going home to their families.

You'll get the old it wasn't good and I didn't like it but that's minimisation to me, trying to spare the betrayed feelings, right up there with the I didn't go through with it and I stopped in the middle.

^ Agreed. My WW says the car sex was awful, but I have no reason to believe that. I'm sure it was hot and passionate, and the thrill of it was intoxicating. I mean, if I were to have an affair, that's what I would want to have too. WS minimize everything they do, to one degree or another. BS will never have the full truth. I just assume the sex was great, and that she's lying to make me feel better.

Are we seriously hearing from a CURRENT WW in this thread? It is one thing to read from former WW who are working through their stuff, but to hear from someone currently in an A (using present tense in their descriptions) is very triggering!

[This message edited by Ginny at 11:34 AM, January 27th (Saturday)]

We have had car sex. I am glad the office sex has paused because it was all about him

so we now just go to the most secluded based on time of opportunity.

Once was in his truck and other times in my SUV

That's a lot of sex in just the past 11 days since your (ongoing!!) Fuck fest became physical.

Do you get any actual work done at the office? What do your husband and his wife think? Why don't you and fuck partner leave your spouses? What exactly are you afraid of? Why all the secrecy? Oh, right, he's likely not as sexy full time. Neither are you. Why are you here, exactly? Best of luck with your shit show!

Sorry for threadjack, hopeforthefuture94.

Thank you for your responses.

Abc123abc, I, too, get the sense that you are a current wayward, by your the use of current verbage and that did bother me as a BS. (like Ginny said, it is trigger) Because if that is the case,and you are currently still having affairs, you are still in fantasyland and your viewpoint is still coming from the unicorns perspective. I apologize if I am accusing you and that is not the case.

So, my H agrees with a lot of what the responses I received were. He has always answered my questions even if they were hurtful to hear. So, yes, he says he kept going back to the cluncky sex because at the end of the day, it's sex and sex feels good. And yes, the illicitness of it was at the time part of the excitement thus, his choice of coping strategies worked for awhile.

He never had an emotional connection to these women. He told me that one of them asked if they could run away together and divorce their spouses and he said he dismissed that immediately. To him, he never wanted to divorce me. He dumped them as soon as anything became slightly inconvenient because leaving me was not anything he wanted. He now recognizes after going through IC that he was using infidelity as a coping strategy instead of working on his brokenness. He takes full accountability and was in IC weekly the first year to learn proper coping strategies etc. His actions the past 3 1/2 years lead me to believe I am safe. I am always on edge as a consequence but my gut is quiet and my guts says I am safe. So I listen to that because my gut told me something was wrong to begin with.

I do believe him about the intimacy with me part regarding sex. I understand what he is trying to say. Basically he felt dirty after sex with the OW. Yes, he enjoyed it, but he felt dirty/guilty. And with me, it's more than sex. There is the emotional connection. So, from that standpoint, I understand what he is saying but since I haven't experienced dirty/guilty sex versus sex with my spouse it's hard for me to fully understand how that difference would feel.

He says now there is nothing that entices him about it and he doesn't look back longingly. In fact, he is disgusted by what he did and wants no part in that. I believe him in that because on dday I only found a small amount of info out (I hadn't found SI yet and confronted immediately--basically did everything wrong) however, he wanted out of that lifestyle badly enough that on the first night (after initially denying anything physical happened) he came back an hour later and verbal vomited everything. His story went from there was nothing physical to I had sex with 4 OW. He wanted out badly enough and knew the only way was to tell me EVERYTHING and but was too afraid to initiate it but once I opened the conversation by evenings end, it came pouring out. A person who still wants to entertain that lifestyle would have only admitted to the evidence I found out and not volunteered so much worse info about so many other people.

Anyway, thank you for the responses. Mr. Hope and I keep plugging away and each year it gets better. I just had read an article last night and it got me thinking about how a woman would give it up for car sex? At least make them take you to a nice hotel. They all knew my H had plenty of money to do that. And yet, in a car by a dumpster? haha. My H refers to his past as dumpster diving because of it. Quite literally it seems.

He says sex with me is so much better because there is an intimacy there that wasn't with the OW. He says it's not even a competition and yet as the BS, I feel like how can I compete with forbidden affair sex.

I also struggled with the connection between my WS and the AP as there was an "energy" there along with a drive and focus that helps the following lie to take root -- I can't compete with that and I must be inadequate, worthless, disposable as I don't measure up to the AP.

It seems that the car sex is what is pushing you to believe the same lie. That's an awful thing to be wrestling with and you aren't alone in your struggle.

My advice is...

1. Regardless of what your husband's motivations were for telling you that sex with the OW was worse, there is truth in his words. An affair is the self-centered chasing of ego kibbles while using someone else to get them. It isn't unlike using a drug to get a high. Think about that -- the OW was simply a drug that allowed him to feel good about himself. Sure, it was forbidden, but it was all part of achieving a "high". It can never compare or compete with the real, true love and intimacy that you offered.

2. Spend focused time on recovering your self-worth by reminding yourself that you are worthwhile, important, special and unique. Ways to do that are to treat yourself with things you enjoy -- a cup of your favorite beverage, a warm bath, a book, a walk, time in nature or whatever it is that helps reinforce that you are worth it. In addition, thankfulness can be another way to remind yourself that you are important and that life is presenting you with gifts every day. That can be a sunset, a smile, a gentle breeze, a kindness from another, the warmth of the sun, etc. Especially after the wounds of betrayal, this can end up being a sustained effort for quite some time, but it is very worthwhile.

I'm sorry that you are here grappling with what happened, but I hope that you will receive some comfort in the fact that others are reaching out to you and are thereby reinforcing the fact that you are much, much more important and better than your curiosity might indicating that you feel.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 1:10 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

Please post all questions in the I Can Relate Forum under “BS Questions For WS”