SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here is my current dilemma.

She has been working really hard over the past year and I can see changes. She's a better person, definitely a better wife, and even a better mother. I can really see how hard she is working to make our relationship work and to atone for her mistakes.

But she was a human monster (you can read the whole story in my bio). Nobody has hurt me as badly as she has. She betrayed me for years. While pregnant. That takes a special type of person to betray in that way. I hurt every day. I wonder if this new her is just a ploy to save her ass. The world seems muted. I'm afraid for a future where we don't have the kids to bind us together.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you reconcile your cheating spouse from the new faithful version of your spouse? How do you know which version of that person is real? How do you ever feel ok keeping someone so broken in your life? How do you not sting with hurt and regret for the rest of your life?

I recall your story, frighteningly similar to mine.

She betrayed me for years. While pregnant.

Yep. Same here. Part of that escape was my wife dodging the whole reality that she was a parent forever, life was altered forever and that responsibility was too daunting - along with zero self love at the time.

The longer I've been here at SI, the more common this story becomes, and tons of guys cheat on their pregnant wives too. That doesn't make it any easier to process. This aspect was one of the very toughest hurdles for me to clear.

How do you know which version of that person is real?

Both versions are real.

Those bad choices are real. But so is change, if she continues to show that she has actually learned from her shitty side of herself.

Personally, I have zero regrets giving my wife this second chance, it is been great to see her become this wiser, kinder, more loving person.

Overall, my wife was a perfectionist before her fall. She never missed school, never missed work, or church -- because everything had to be just right. Once life took a few tough turns, she gave up pretty damn easy. Anyway, she snapped back to being a good human with great remorse and our marriage is becoming far stronger than what we had before the shits storm.

20-months in a row of showing me why I should stay, so I'll stay another day and see if it keeps up.

For me it was a day to day, then month to month thing. I truly did not believe she had changed until we were about 3 years from D-day. I still see her as a WW. Like a drug addict is still an addict, even in sobriety. My wife is still a WW even in fidelity these 12 years. That reminds me that she is still capable of hurting me.

And even though I see her as a WW, I also see her as a kind, caring, loving, generous, considerate, wife, mother, and friend. That affair, for so long defined who she was for me because I was still feeling that pain daily. But now she is not defined by being a WW. Her positive and negative attributes make up who she is today. Same as me, who never has cheated on her. I have both positive and negative attributes. Talk to my wife and she will tell you I don't listen. We had an argument about that. Is listening doing what you say, or is listening giving you an change to speak your mind? But I still can do what I think is best. Might be wrong. And if I am she says, "You never listen". So we all have our flaws, our moral failings. But we can overcome them and not be defined by them. Same with my wife. She does not have to be defined by her affair if she works to overcome it.

I don't really buy into the "my perfect wife morphed into a cheater" stuff. I feel that's self delusion at it's finest. I really would not consider R with a woman I thought capable of morphing into whatever type of person suited her at the time.

That also wasn't my experience. I did feel that way at first - I thought she had temporary insanity or some mental breakdown. It was hard as hell to believe she cheated willfully.

Over some period of time though, I began to recognize certain personality traits and character issues that certainly allowed her to make the choice to cheat. That stuff was there all along. It was simply expressed in other ways besides cheating.

So she has addressed some (or most) of these issues. My WW is a better person too. I see her approach life differently. It's been years and I still wonder if it's not a ploy to save her ass.

You have to make the call aslan. People can learn from their fuck ups. I've done it myself. For instance, if I divorce I will never get married again.

My WH has said several times that right now he is "the worst possible version of himself". This is usually when I look at him and ask, "Who ARE you?" (Because I think us BS's often think our WS's have transformed into a monster).

It gives me a little hope because by saying that, he acknowledges that he isn't possessed and it isn't someone else's fault, that it's HIM acting this way, that's why it's a version of himself. But he is saying it might be possible to be another version of himself if he can fix himself, not just a version that I thought I married but maybe a better version.

You aren't alone in trying to reconcile what feels like different people in one person.

That takes a special type of person to betray in that way.

It really does take a particular kind of broken to abandon integrity, love and empathy as your burn down the family you're trying to grow, all for your own escape/needs. Unfortunately, it looks like that special kind of person does not seem all that uncommon around these parts.

I struggle with this often. Who is this present, loving person? Where was she before? My WW started her affair while we were struggling with infertility and multiple losses. She also behaved like a monster. Most of the time, I can't begin to understand how I can possibly reconcile the person in front of me with that woman.

I wonder if this new her is just a ploy to save her ass. The world seems muted.

Knowing someone is capable of presenting whatever suits their agenda at the time makes it pretty hard to see where "real" is. I think that can mute the world in a way, because there are sets of conflicting truths spread out; she is both of those people, she is capable of love and horrible things... it blurs everything. Do you feel like she is doing the work to not only atone and fix, but to seek authenticity in her life for her own good/benefit? Maybe that would help to reassure over a long period of time, to know that she may not have any drive to have a life as cheap as "saving her ass" anymore. One can hope?

Hugs.

Aslan

Do you ever ask her to write you a letter about why she stayed and continues to stay with you? What she feels about you and how that compares to what she felt for the AP? Also what she now feels about the AP. And what it means to her to have you offer the gift of R.

If I were in your shoes I would tell her I need her to write me such a letter once a month for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes the words won’t change much but some months he may have a drastically different way of saying it, with potentially new insights.

If she truly is remorseful she would jump at the opportunity to do this. You can even make a monthly date to discuss what she wrote.

Just a thought....

It's getting easier for me to reconcile both versions of my WH because HE is more aware of who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be.

It helps me to reconcile those two versions when he is openly communicating about the changes he feels he needs to make and how he is making them.

I think the only way you know which person is real is to through a LOT of open communication. I see people post here about a spouse being a "better spouse" and I wonder what they mean. By better wife, do you mean that she cooks and cleans now? That she irons your clothes and makes your lunch? That she has sex with you more often? Or is she more open with you about herself? Does she talk about how broken she was and how she is fixing herself? Does she talk to you about what truths she is learning, and how she is being more mindful, building healthier boundaries, and practicing healthier coping mechanisms??

I need to see a changed person over the course of time. It's taken us 3 years to get to where we are now and we are still a work in progress. But as long as he is talking to me, and working at that change, I have an easier time letting go of who he was when he hurt me, as well as who I thought he was before Dday.

I still can't reconcile the person I met with the person who betrayed me. I can go by days (weeks even recently!) without thinking of what he did to me, and then I don't have to reconcile those personas. But if I think about it, I just can't understand how the person I thought he was did this.

I can't reconcile the person I met with the person who betrayed me either. I don't believe the person I met ever existed to be honest I think that was my rose-colored perception of him.

And like stayedforthekids said...

People can learn from their fuck ups. I've done it myself. For instance, if I divorce I will never get married again.

I will not get married again. There is no point

Human beings are confusing. We aren't all bad or all good. It's really hard to accept that the spouses who did and said such sweet loving things could also be big flaming assholes. The best and worst spouses in the space of months or years. Hell, for all I know, Jeffrey Dahmer was a really superb dog owner and maybe Hitler liked fluffy kittens.

The hard part to me is accepting that my WH could be such a big flaming asshole to ME.

My WH was a complete and total ASS during his A. I think they have to be and become a different person so in their mind it justifies what they are doing. Otherwise, they are just a piece of shit. And well,,,they are while they are cheating.

I believe we ALL have goodness and meaness in us and we need to fight the bad and work to be a good person. Even good and decent people have the ability of doing horrible and terrible things. After all we are human and not perfect. Even faithful people have either looked or thought about another person other than their spouse and thought, "hmmm, wow. That person is attractive" or whatever. The difference is how we choose to deal with those thoughts. I have learned through my H infidelity that when he was unhappy at home, his BAD side took over and did the wrong thing. After all that's what BAD people do: The wrong thing.

It's tough I know. I am going through the same thing now. It's hard to see the faithful version of a prior cheater and you may not choose to stay. Once that trust is broken and you see the "ugly" side of someone, it may be a deal breaker. Only you can answer that, but I also believe if there was a strong, loving version of your marriage prior to the cheating, it deserves a second chance. If not for anything else, you don't want to throw away the marriage and have that be a regret because you didn't try. Just my two cents.

aslan I remember your story and my heart goes out to you.

As for my WW, what I have come to realize is that the woman she is being now is the real her...the one that she hid from me for over a decade of marriage. I don't know this person, so the tough part has been learning to love this stranger in my house.

My WW was the best, most pretentious actress in the world. Meryl Streep has nothing on her. I am in a similar place to you in that I too am having a difficult time reconciling this new reality that has been forced upon me.

I have no advice for you other than push through.

People change over time, and you notice the changes if you stick around long enough. I, too, think all the versions are real.

I don't really buy into the "my perfect wife morphed into a cheater" stuff.

Absolutely. Nobody's perfect. No relationship is perfect. That's inevitable for human beings.