SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H and I have been together since we were in our late teens, married for almost 22 years and have two beautiful children, 19 and 16. In August, I discovered he has had multiple long term affairs over the span of our marriage, the most recent ended 5 years ago when I saw a text with a co-worker, which clearly crossed the line and confronted him. He acknowledged it was in appropriate, but dismissed it as just being flirtatious, that she had a husband and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Fast Forward five years and a benign comment a friend made, had me questioning his honesty about being faithful (there have been suggestions of this in our marriage, but I am clearly too trusting and he is a phenomenal liar...I could never look someone in the eyes and lie to them), so I confronted him again. That's when my world feel apart. I learned he has had four affairs (each lasting between 1 and 2 years) over the span of our marriage. Most were CW, one was a friend of mine. I felt broken, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I did not want to make an emotionally reactive decision, mostly so our children's worlds didn't crumble unexpectedly around them. I did disclose to a few friends, which in retrospect, I have come to regret, as a few have judged me for staying and have said they can not be around my H anymore.

Though the acuity of the trauma has dissipated, I find myself stuck in a cycle of anger and hurt and still asking "how could you", which I know is not helpful. We have both attended IC and MC and continue with both. My husband is remorseful and is committed to the M. He says he has always loved me, that he didn't love any of these woman, and it was all about the sex. They didn't hang out, he didn't buy them things, it was about hooking up. I am struggling with this, as I can't detach the emotional component to the sexual act. I look at family pictures with our children and everything is tainted now, as if my life has been a sham. How does one recover from such lengthy infidelity? Is it even possible? So many years when I feel he wasn't really with me, breaks my heart.

I am sorry to everyone on this forum for being put here by people we trusted implicitly. It is an awful thing to experience and certainly not one I ever thought would become part of my story. Thank you for allowing me to share in a place of understanding and compassion.

I am sad you are here.

You can definitely recover from his infidelity. It will be hard. You’ve been with him for 20 years. And he has been with you for a lot less to never. That thing he said as justification, he “loves you, but just had sex with them.” The only way I can even imagine that being true is if it came out of the mouth of a porn star or prostitute.

I highly doubt he never did anything for the other women. Well unless he is a damn movie star, famous musician, or looks like some sort of model. People don’t often just throw themselves sexually at their friends husband. I suspect he put in some work to make that happen. So, if you are really going to reconcile with this career cheater, just know that you are starting on a mountain of lies. And the truth will trickle out. Though I can tell, his Don Juan magic is wearing off on you. That line about really only loving you isn’t as effective as he thought it would be, that’s why you are here. Also let me ask you this, what could he have been doing with you and the family instead of spending his time and energry with the women who apparently just wanted great sex from your husband? Have you talked to your “friend” about this? I know you probably hate her, but maybe she can give you some details.

Justamadman is so clear about what your life is. My question is why would your husband stop cheating? He enjoyed the hell out of it and so far has not paid one price for your knowing. You get all the “fun”of grieving.

All we can do is give you virtual hugs.

I tried for over a year to get past my WW LTA. I just have no hope for recovery/reconciliation. Too many lies, too much sex, too much deceit, the emotional connection and the ruined memories are too much to overcome for most people myself included. It's best to just cut off this relationship, heal yourself and move on. The longer you think about and dwell on the past your and lost marriage the longer it takes to heal and move forward. I'm sorry that you're discovering this, it changes your life and outlook on people forever.

One LTA is enough to break a person. I would just like to say it's OKAY if this is too much to overcome. You don't deserve this pain, and you don't have to stay in it. Do whatever you feel is right - some more time, some time apart, walking away...whatever you need to do. I keep telling myself to just stay true to what I'm feeling. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by gtflng at 11:52 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I do feel as though he got to "have his cake and eat it to", have the facade of a perfect family life and then all his side dishes. As a woman, I can't understand the notion of being with someone for 1.5 years with no long term prospects, only for the sex. He alleges he was upfront with them at the outset, told them he was married, loved me and would never leave his family, but wanted more sex in his life and seemingly, they thought that was a great idea!

I have not spoken to my "friend" about it. I fear I would not be able to maintain any sort of composure and would likely lose it on her...as warranted as that may be, I don't think it would serve to move me forward. I have considered calling the other three...I have their numbers.

He has said not to blame any of his AP, that the choice to stray from our marriage is 100% on him...I disagree. Though absolutely, he opened the door, they knew he was married and walked through the open door. I would never do that to someone, regardless of whether I knew them or not. To knowingly and willingly cause someone this much pain is so beyond my realm of comprehension. The wound is so deep and hits me like a 2x4 with some of the triggers, which I can't always predict.

I want so badly to heal and not be burdened by this, but know I will now walk beside it forever, regardless of my eventual choice. I am so heartbroken that my family might end up broken and I don't want my children to feel an ounce of what I have felt through this. It is not what I signed up for and the grief is profound, I know you all get it, which is incredibly helpful.

I think the biggest struggle you will have trying to get past this is that you will need to reconcile who he is with who you thought he was. It is hard enough to face that your spouse has had sex with someone else, knowing it would hurt you. But to then be faced with the fact that the person you married has no problem just having sex with other women, with no other interest in them, or kindness towards them is even more disturbing.

I've always found it troubling that someone can seriously tell you that it was just sex, so as to make you feel ever so much better. If it really is just sex they are after, they could hire a prostitute. But instead, they choose co-workers, or women in their social circle. Why? Because it's free of charge? I'm betting they don't approach these women and say "Hey. I'm lookin to get laid and I don't want to pay for it. Are you in?" They know damn well these women would tell them to go pound sand. So, if it was just sex, they obviously lied to and manipulated these women into sex. To me that makes them an even more deplorable person. So it becomes a question of do you really want to be married to someone capable of that.

Hi, welcome to the best club no one wants to join.

Unfortunately, when you are in infidelity with someone long-term, there are emotions involved.

Understand cheaters lie, deny, minimize, and all the other bullsh*t that goes along with protecting their own asses.

He is a serial cheater. What's going to make him stop? I hate to be a Debbie downer, but they rarely change and IF they do, it's with years of therapy. Not months, years, and they have to want to change.

I'm sorry doesn't cut it. I still love you doesn't cut it. He has shown you who he truly is, please believe him as hard as it is.

It takes 2-5 years to move through infidelity in the best case scenarios (if there really is one ) with a remorseful spouse and one affair partner. Your husband has lied for almost your entire marriage, I wish I could give you some hope, but he is who he is.

BTW, there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for members married to serial cheaters. You might want to check it out for a different perspective.

Sending virtual hugs...

[This message edited by annb at 12:52 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

So sorry for what you are going through.

I find myself stuck in a cycle of anger and hurt and still asking "how could you"

Do you believe the answer might be that your husband simply does not believe infidelity is wrong or perhaps he prefers extra-marital activities to marriage. You might want to find out his thoughts on infidelity going forward and whether he is capable of remaining faithful.

Personally, I think his issues have nothing do with you or your commitment to the marriage. I'm sure you're a wonderful wife; otherwise, why would your husband go to such great lengths to keep his betrayals a secret.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:55 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

There is also a forum for double betrayals. Your “friend” cheating with your WH is a trauma on top of the shit like your WH has given you.

Is your friend married or with someone? If so, please inform them now of what she has done with your husband.

Going back and looking at times where you confided in your friend, and she was with your husband, that is unforgivable.

Why do you want to R ? This is a very serious question. You need to determine whether or not you truly want to stay or if fear is driving your choice to attempt R.

Your hisband is a serial cheater abd liar and you need to figure out if you have a line in the sand and if so what it is.

As Dr Phil saus the best predictor of future behavior is past behaviour. Meaning unless he does some reakly serious work he is bound to cheat again. Have a plan for when he does.

In the meantime do the things I tell every newbie. See a lawyer find out your rights and his obligations. See your Dr and get full STD testing, this will be blood tests and a pelvic exam. If you are struggling with sleep and eating discuss this as well. Many of us found some relief with medication.

Know that none of thos has anything to do with you. Your husband is a broken man with shitty boundaroes and he has a metric crapton of work to do on himself before you can even consider R. He needs to find his why and fix that. Otherwise he will never be a safe partner for you.

This is hard stuff. But remember you are showing your kids how treat each other this is the model of M that they will use for their frame of reference. Its ok to demand the respect you deserve. It is also ok to walk away when he doesn't do the work. You are then showing your kids it is necessary to demand respect.

(((And Strength)))))

Please read the articles in the Healing Library and the Just Found Out Primer. These articles are very helpful healing.

There are also forums dealing the a LTA in the "I Can Relate" forums.

but I am clearly too trusting and he is a phenomenal liar...I could never look someone in the eyes and lie to them)

This line of yours says a lot. You have to determine if your husband is remorseful that he was discovered or remorseful that he did this. He may want to save the M because of lifestyle and the kids, but is he really now committed to the M? True remorse means he won't do it again.

You can give yourself some time to determine these things, but unfortunately, it will be harder to R with a serial cheater, one where you had a double betrayal and LTA's to boot.

Believe me, I understand how hard it is. A LTA is usually within the confines of a long term marriage and it's hard to think about walking away from a life that you and believed in. Please keep in mind that it would be harder on the kids if you are trying to R with an unremorseful spouse who will continue to lie and possibly cheat again.

My friend is no longer married, though her marriage broke up prior to the A being acknowledged. Her exH is aware of the A. He did not disclose it to me.

I am struggling to reconcile the behaviour with who I thought he was. He has been a good father, friend, son etc. The lying and betrayal over such a length of time is hard for me to process and I feel stupid for being so naive and trusting. I am a very honest person, so that being my paradigm, the thought of someone else being able to lie to this magnitude is completely foreign to me.

Is it fear, comfort of familiarity, the children? I am sure those are all components of why I am considering R. The other is, I still love him, as odd as I know that may sound. Consequently, I feel I need to at the very least be open to trying.

I have been with this man my entire adult life, I know nobody else This betrayal hit me like a tonne of bricks at a time when we were actually in a very good place. Not surprisingly, when the last A ended, five years ago, our marriage improved significantly (he broke it off after I read the text and confronted him. I think the reality of what he could lose hit him). We had a great 5 years before I recently discovered the multiple A. In many ways I wish I hadn't. He was present in those years, it was good, we were good. I felt closer to him than I had in years....now I know why.

I now feel very broken, confused and unsure if I can forgive the magnitude of his lies and the images I have in my head of him and these women (I asked far too many questions and he gave me the answers...super happy that's when he decided to be honest!).

He says he wants to do the work, that he is not proud of what he has done and feels immense shame and guilt. He says he will accept whatever my decision is and it is all up to me. He acknowledged he does not deserve any of the kindness or consideration of R I have given. His therapist has also said it is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here.

Thank you for the heads up on the multiple betrayals forum and double betrayals, I will seek those out. I appreciate everyone's wisdom and insights and look forward to when I am not consumed by the hurt.

As a long time reader but hardly ever a poster I would just like to give you my perspective.

My husband cheated on me all our married life. Longest affair lasted 10 yrs. I found out just before our 30th wedding anniversary. That was four years ago.

I always thought he stood by his morals and ethics and was a man of integrity. Four years ago when I found out it threw my life and my worlds and those of our children upside down. It was horrific.

From that time on it has been a huge journey full of potholes, steep hills and low low valleys and as many say one step forward and half a step back...every single day. From the beginning H wanted to stay married. He never thought he would get caught and he had the emotional intelligence of an ant. He was immature and egotistic and lacked any empathy. He also hated himself. He knew getting caught would devastate me as two of his affairs were with my friends. He had not only the affairs but a whole list of women that he would meet up with....have a coffee with and get to know better. Some of these women had been in this state for years and were happy as was he because he was getting attention from women and it made the dumb ass feel good about himself. What made him feel bad was the guilt he felt afterwards but he was soon quick to brush that aside with whatever stupid justification he could conjor up.

I have not contacted all the other women. His first affair with my best girlfriend ( at the time) was 28 yrs ago and I just felt so much time had passed and I know she was already cheating on her then husband .....she cheated with so many men I just did not think one was mine. Anyway I looked her up on Facebook and she looked old and haggard and into her third marriage that I just thought I would not give her the satisfaction of having her know as she would love that. Another woman was my next door neighbour at the time. I let her know what I thought about her. As did my daughter who was a friend and of course I let her dickhead husband know. They sold up and moved...that leaves three other women. One was suffering breast cancer and I also know she tried to do the right thing by not getting involved with a married man. He was persistent. Anyway she was young and also newly married so I let her rest. Now, the other two....I sent the 10 yr old affair a lovely long letter and one to her husband too. Never heard back from her but he did call me to verify some things. The last other woman was an 8 yr affair and I sent her a letter and she tried to justify herself and then she tried to get some answers from H because she was upset that H has been cheating on her. Bit hilarious in retrospect. In the end I realised that all of these other women were nothing but sad, lonely, desperate and pathetic and just a tiny bit of interest from a married man was all it took. These women will most probably never get it and they will probably never be happy and they have to live with their lies and cheating for the rest of their lives.

H has done an amazing job of getting his life, his worldview and his maturity back on track. He even likes himself a lot more these days. He has endured my ceaseless questions, my bouts of rage and anger, our separation, hours and hours and hours of talking and learning he has no defence. He has become humble, he is learning about empathy, he hates who he was. He hates that man so much that when we talk of the past I can see the remorse in his eyes. That marriage that was for thirty years is no longer. I try not to dwell on past memories and think about all the times we were doing fun stuff and he was cheating....it is so hard to get past the past but it can be done. One small step at a time. The relationship we have today is one of honesty, kindness and our decision to love one another and it is a good feeling for both of us. Sure, I still get triggers and every now and then I will get angry at him but these events happen less often now. I actually admire him for the hard work he has done. One of my daughters commented that he is very much a brave and committed man to endure what I have thrown at him.....many would have taken the easier road and fled.

I guess what I am trying to get across here is that a person can change if they truly want to.

I hope some of this helps.

Take care of you. X

Thank you Zenkitty. Your post has me in tears, as it so resonated with me. The shear number of A and length of time had me wondering if it even possible. I am so very sorry for what you and your children endured. I am not sure there is a word in the English language which does the emotion felt justice. I so appreciate you sharing your journey with me. I am glad your H didn't take the easy road and you have come to place of honesty, love and healing.

I have said many unkind things to my H in my rage, I didn't even know I could get so angry. I can be emotionally volatile now, sad and crying and angry a short time later. He never knows what's coming. He has stood there and taken all of it (which he of course should...but really doesn't have to...he could choose to walk away and say, this is getting old). He has not once tried to blame me for his choices.

I am a health professional and believe people can change. I hope and pray I am not continuing with being naive in my consideration of R, but hope time and behaviours he demonstrates will be my guide in this. Thank you for giving me a glimmer of hope in the awfulness that is multiple A over such a long time. I wish you continued healing and many happy years with your H.

I look back on some of my moments of pure rage and anger and wonder who that person was. I remember times where I thought I was going insane with anger. I have never been as low as I have been but at the end of the day it is how we deal with our pain. It is our pain, our loss, our betrayal and we will deal with it as best we can at the time. If your H continues to stand by you and take it all then he is actually facing the consequences of his behaviour. That is not a bad thing.

I think if a betrayer faces his behaviour and takes accountability for his stupid decisions then it is a start in the right direction.

They have had years of ingrained stupid behaviour and it will take them time to adjust their thinking. Sadly it does take a lot of time.

It took my H a long time to stop being defensive. It took him a long long time to understand empathy. The hours we spent talking and arguing seemed endless but at the conclusion of every one of these events the air cleared just that little bit more.

If it is something you both want and if you can instinctively feel he is trying then there is nothing to stop you both making it happen.

Read everything you can and educate yourself with all aspects of infidelity and the associated behaviours.

I am here if you ever need to talk.

X

Thank you Zenkitty, truly.

I do believe he is genuinely remorseful for his behaviour. He ended his final A when the reality of what he was at risk of losing slapped him in the face. That was five years ago. Thus, I don't feel his remorse is at getting "caught" because his actions ceased before he was caught.

I have been reading a lot, as has he. It's great there are so many resources, but sad there has to be. I don't want to lose my optimistic outlook on people, but geesh, reading all these threads, people can be so awful to those they "love".

So I am present and open to seeing if I can be happy and walk beside the pain. I don't know if I can, but am hopeful. So many triggers. I cry every time we are intimate. Breaks my heart he shared that with others. Nothing is special anymore. Hard to look past with such LTA.

Thank you again. I am so grateful you took the time to share your insights and help me see perspectives.

Anyone who has not been in our situation cannot judge us. They literally have NO idea what they're talking about. A lot of us BS's swore up and down (before the affair) that we would never tolerate a cheater, and would leave... and yet, here we are.

LTA's are tough to recover from, simply because so much of our history had turned into a lie. Decisions we made under false pretenses, years and years of our lives stolen from us.

I chose to stay because I didn't want my daughters to be, in any part, raised by some other man. Had I divorced WW she would likely have ended up with our kids - and the statistics regarding child abuse by step fathers is staggering. I also had worked my way out of the gutter and had made a good life for myself and my family - and giving up half of what I worked so hard for (while she was cheating) PLUS alimony and child support seemed too unfair. So I stayed.

It's been close to 17 years since dday now, and my WW and I are fine. Not great, but good enough. My scars are there, and I deal with them everyday. I get by though, and am, for the most part happy.

THIS is our history. Your WH affairs happened. There is nothing he can say or do that will somehow magically make it ok. And there is nothing we as BS's can do to change the course our life has already taken. This is it. The sooner we accept that it, and start working to make something of it NOW the better.

I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry all of us are here. It's not fair, not right, and we didn't deserve what happened to us. It wasn't our fault. It happened. All we can do is accept it, and make the most of what life we have left ahead of us.

I would like to support the above post - with an important addendum. I am also a BH who has reconciled with a wife who had a LTA. The marriage is now FAR better than it ever was.

Recovering takes a long time and it is an arduous journey. The key to TRUE reconciliation, especially in our cases, is not simply the fact of reconciling and saving the marriage. Anyone can do that - just say, "I forgive you" and move on. The problem with this approach, of course, is that the pain will never dissipate. You'll never truly be able to reconcile the relationship even if the marriage is "saved."

Instead, the onus MUST be on your husband. It is absolutely imperative that he do everything possible to not only ensure you that the marriage is safe - but take overwhelming steps to PROVE to you, every single day, that you are the priority in his life.

Sounds simple, right? Not so fast. First of all, not everyone is capable of doing that. So I'll ask you, up front, is your husband the kind of guy who is capable of voluntarily offering you information - what he's doing on his phone, his whereabouts, trip itineraries, etc.? You know him very well - when you look at him... is he capable of doing what you will need, now and in the future? If not, if you're even slightly hesitating, then you really should consider divorce.

Second, even with his total commitment, you will NEVER fully recover. As good as I feel about my marriage now there is a definite hole in my life that second-guesses every decision I made. I have had to come to terms with that. Can you? Are you the type of person who will, one day, be able to look at his (and your) actions and put them "in their place?" Betrayals like this require a very special type of tolerance... and not everyone has it. Think long and hard about this - because it will be with you for the rest of your life.

I have learned from this site that affairs come in a million shapes and sizes. People divorce over one partner LOOKING at someone else. Other marriages reconcile successfully after affairs that are horrendous - we've seen affairs with multiple partners, STDs, pregnancies and other children. Every single situation is unique.

Think through what you want and what is possible. Try to separate yourself from the emotion and be objective.

Only you can decide.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 8:50 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)]

My partner was in a 8 year LTA when I found out. Continued off and on for another two years during the supposedly reconciliation period. I eventually found the strength and asked him to leave as I saw no future due to him living a double life, the lies and deceit and found it extremely hard to believe a word he was saying. The two year recon period was actually a good waste of time as I got to see him for what he really was. “a fraud”.