SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out that my wife of 20 years (with 2 teenage kids) has been screwing an intern almost 20 years younger than her at work.

She doesn’t know I know everything.

The two are going to a weekend conference this weekend, I’ve verified that no conference exists!

Since discovering, a few weeks ago, I’ve tried to be the ideal husband to try and get her to think about what she is losing. If she goes to conference, it is over! There will be no reconciliation!!! I have already talked to lawyers and have everything ready to go.

Should I be giving her this choice of whether she wants me and us or should I tell her I know, where she will probably stay with me out of fear of her life being thrown into chaos????

Ive been reading a lot of stories, and while Im positive I will have to go through hell on Earth, I refuse to be a victim!

Also, probably more important, how do I regain control over my anger/rage and not allow it to permanently change me????

To be honest,I’m going to act immediately because I fear this.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:57 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

First of all, I am so sorry that you are here man. It sounds to me like you already made up your mind and are not open to R. It's certainty your choice. I can tell you that I was in your shoes 4 months ago, convinced that I would kick her to the curve once I could finally verify what I suspected was going on. I am giving our marriage a second chance to do #1 - I am not a saint, and most importantly, I know how easy it is for us imperfect humans to stray, #2 - I felt very strongly that my wife of 19 years deserved a second chance due to our entire history and her strong remorse.

You will find plenty of people here who will side with you and will assure you that you're making the right decision. You've come to the right place.

As far as your anger is concerned, I can tell you that 4 months ago I would have slapped anyone who'd asked me to try meditation. I used to consider it BS. I swear by it now. It helped me with my rage, my sadness and my anxiety. I saw my doctor at first, and he prescribed some serious narcotics that would numb me down and help with the symptoms. He warned me that the pills were "highly addictive" and could only be prescribed for 2 weeks. I wasn't ready fr that, so I tossed the pills into the toilet and decided to give meditation a chance. It's been very effective for me.

[This message edited by MarcusR at 8:03 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

Whether you want to R or not, tell her if she goes that she isn't welcome back, and that you'll let her friend and family know while she's gone that she'll be needing a place to stay after she gets back and why.

Since discovering, a few weeks ago, I’ve tried to be the ideal husband to try and get her to think about what she is losing. If she goes to conference, it is over! There will be no reconciliation!!! I have already talked to lawyers and have everything ready to go.

What you are doing is the “pick me dance”. It doesn’t work, it just lowers your status and makes her other man look better.

Why not be upfront and get it over with instead of playing games ?

you are doing well, 2018. I agree with your decisiveness.

You have 2 days. If you force her to stay, she will continue to cheat.

I am not sure where you live but I would hire a PI and track them and gather evidence. I would also save whatever evidence you can that you have access to now.

What have your attorneys done so far ?

Does she have any idea that you know ?

Stand up for yourself and be decisive. You will win this

If you have divorce papers ready to go, why not have her served now, before she leaves? You know she is cheating. Have her served and just tell her, in a calm, matter-of-fact tone, that you know what she is doing.

It sounds like you are willing to consider reconciliation if she stops the affair, but are afraid she will only stay home to placate you, not because she is remorseful. I completely understand your fear.

Have her served now, and you will be taking control of the situation. If she still goes away with him, you will have your answer. If she stays home and promises to end the affair, you can take your time and watch her actions. The divorce can be stopped at any time if you decide she is reconciliation material.

Having her served now will put you in the driver's seat. She will know unequivocally that you are not going to put up with her infidelity, and that puts the onus on her to make a decision.

2018MLMM, there is not one way to go with this. If you were to have the papers ready upon her arrival, no one here would say you were wrong. If you decide she is worth a second chance, that too would be considered a reasonable choice.

I can only tell you what I wish I would have done, even though we reconciled. If I could change anything based on hindsight, I would tell myself to run. Run fast and never listen to a thing my wifes says. I suffered a great deal extending the opportunity to her for a second chance. She made a half-assed attempt at remorse and honest, but in the end it was all designed to protect herself from consequences at my expense.

All situations can have complications and ours had their share. We were in the middle of an adoption and to D at that time would have been terrible on our soon to be child, who was already in our care. Cheaters are fucked up.

But, looking back, I wish I had had more hard evidence earlier, and I wish I would have used that to have the D papers drawn up with a place to go as soon as I handed them to her.

We have made a life and our adopted children are certainly the beneficiaries of my holding on to make work what I could make work. But the pain and trauma of the trickle truth, deflection, gaslighting was a great burden to bear. It eventually stopped, but the scars by them were indelible and deep.

If you had papers ready to give her, I see no down side to this. You can easily halt the process. But if you do not, you may look back and wish you did.

I wish you the best and am sorry you are here.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:31 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

Should I be giving her this choice of whether she wants me and us or should I tell her I know, where she will probably stay with me out of fear of her life being thrown into chaos????

Tell her, "I know there is no weekend conference. Tell me what is going on and why you are lying to me"

She may reply, "I just wanted time to myself/just wanted a girls' weekend and I knew you wouldn't approve."

You'll say, "I know you are not going alone, and I know you are not going with BFF. Tell me what is going on and why you are lying to me."

So you see? No bargaining, no ultimatums. Do not reveal your evidence or sources.

This is a "soft" confrontation. You may have to go with the hard "shock and awe" ultimatum depended on her reaction: "I know you are cheating on me and the children. I refuse to live in infidelity. I am taking steps to get out infidelity."

All of your statements should be about the choices you make, the control you have.

Best thing to do is have her served today or

Thursday.

Tell WW you know about her affair. If she does

not end her affair, now, leave that job now, you

will not stop the divorce.

Biggest mistake is to not do anything before

Friday. If the WW cannot be served by Thursday

you need to expose the WW affair without telling

your on Thursday day. Exposure works best without

warning the WW. Threatening her to stop the affair

or you will expose never works.

So just expose to WW's parents, siblings,

your kids, OM's parents, wife.

How good is your proof? Is there any way she can explain her way out of it? The proof may be good enough for you and that’s enough to divorce her. But there is a benefit of having proof that’s good enough for other people.

She will not want to hurt her reputation or be the bad guy. So she will push back on your proof with friends and relatives.

You have done great thus far. The ideal way is to tell her not to come back while she’s there. Or call the other man (OM) and tell her he can have her. If you could call their hotel room it would be great.

Why is the choice hers?

Sounds like the choice is all yours.

You can choose if you let her know you know.

You can choose if you want to reconcile or divorce.

You can choose your line in the sand.

IMHO as far as she is concerned this issue is a non-issue. As far as infidelity goes then what’s the difference between cheating in meeting-room 4B and hotel-room 412? For her it’s just an ongoing affair she doesn’t know you know about.

Since you know she’s cheating and the weekend all a big lie then simply confront her.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Look at it this way: If you don’t confront then what happens? She goes and has sex with OM.

You confront and she still goes with OM and has sex with him… Well… at least you already have a very clear picture of where your future lies.

Tell her something along these lines:

“Wife. I KNOW you are having an affair with OM. I KNOW that there is no conference and you are planning a weekend with him. I have had an epiphany. I have realized that losing this marriage due to your infidelity isn’t the worst thing in the world. The absolute worst thing for me would be to SHARE YOU. To carry on as if everything was hunky-dory and that we had a real marriage while you are having an affair with OM [use his full name].

I refuse to share. This is not marriage as I see it and I want it.

I refuse to remain in infidelity. I am moving out of infidelity. I am simply assuming that you are choosing to remain behind in infidelity. I am initiating the steps to terminate our marriage, both emotionally and legally. It’s a lengthy process and there are all sorts of laws and regulations in place to ensure both our interests. There is no real rush, I will move on at the pace I am most comfortable with.

If you want this marriage you still have time to join me in getting out of infidelity. You need to tell me you want this marriage concisely and accept some conditions that are necessary to rebuild what we had. I think we do deserve another try, but I also KNOW that I DON’T DESERVE to be cheated on. This offer is valid today. It’s valid for as long as I am willing to work on reconciliation. Your next actions will be key in determining how long I have that will and divorce inevitable”

Hi 2018MLMM,

Very sorry to hear what is going on, but it is good that you have found this forum.

She doesn’t know I know everything.

If she goes to conference, it is over! There will be no reconciliation!!! I have already talked to lawyers and have everything ready to go.

Should I be giving her this choice of whether she wants me and us or should I tell her I know, where she will probably stay with me out of fear of her life being thrown into chaos????

You say that she has no idea that you know, and then you ask about giving her a choice. Are you asking if you should tell her before she goes, and see what she does, or not tell her, and just hit her with divorce papers on her return?

As I see it, it all depends on whether you want to save the marriage or not. Frankly, if all the documents are ready, I think you should hit her with divorce papers today, tomorrow, or Friday, and tell her that you know everything. As Gettingoveritall says, that gives her the opportunity to stay or go, and you can base your decision about whether to go full steam ahead with the divorce, or attempt reconciliation, on that. Seriously, I think you should confront her as soon as possible, to bring the situation back under control and inject some reality into the fantasyland your wife has been inhabiting.

where she will probably stay with me out of fear of her life being thrown into chaos

You talk as if she has the option of eloping with the intern, or as if this is some kind of exit affair, and she is planning to run away. It seems far more likely to me that your wife is just 'cake-eating', and enjoying having a husband, home, and family, while having a second relationship on the side. I think it is very unlikely that she has any plans to leave, and that staying has been her plan all along.

Think about this: if she had any plans to leave (rather than stay), why wouldn't she have already told you that she had found a new love, it was all over, goodbye? The reason she hasn't done this is because the affair is not about her starting a new life with some intern she barely knows, but an exercise in deceitful selfishness and entitlement.

So if you discount any idea of her running off to start a new life with an intern (who most likely wouldn't want that either), you are then looking at her having a choice between staying with you in the family, or divorce. You worry that she will stay with you out of fear of change, but what makes you think she will not stay because her head will clear of the nonsense 'fog' of her cake-eating, and she will realise it is worth repairing the damage to the relationship she has done?

I guess the flipside of that debate is why you wouldn't just divorce her and have done with it. I would guess that as you have been doing the 'pick me' dance (as they call it in these forums), to try and look good to your wife, you want her to stay, and you want the marriage to continue. If that is the case, why don't you see this as a set of decisions or choices you are making for yourself?

This is what I recommend:

Blow the affair up immediately. I cannot see any reason, regardless of outcome, why it should be allowed to continue, and making the pair of them cancel their fake conference is a good way to begin the process of ending it. The affair has gone on too long already.

Have her served with divorce papers. As others have said, beginning the process does not mean it has to run to its conclusion, but the serving of papers always has high impact, and can help jolt your wife out of the fairyland of the affair and into the real world of consequences. It will also send a shock wave out to the intern, because an event like this can so easily become known to the workplace, and it won't do him any favours as he starts to build a career. You may wish to have her served at work, to drive the message home.

Serving her brings control of your life back into your hands, because it gives you the power to end the marriage unless your wife changes her ways and proves to you why you should not end it. You cannot control what she does, but you can control your response to it, and what you are prepared to tolerate.

Think about what you need her to do immediately, and longer term. That means things like breaking contact with the intern, transparency with her phone, email, Facebook, etc. However, as they work together, they have plenty of opportunity to see each other at work. That may require a change of shift pattern, so they do not work the same hours, or even a transfer. Plenty of people here can advise you about options.

As I see it, the current situation should not be allowed to continue a day longer. There is no benefit in that for you. Why wait?

It sounds like dropping a bomb on the affair and seeing if reconciliation is possible is what you would prefer, so please do not allow the fake conference weekend to go ahead. It will only make things worse. Getting busted on the verge of going will have a more powerful impact than if it happens afterwards.

If your wife insists on going anyway, tell her that she has made her choice, and that along with filing for divorce, you will be contacting her management to make them aware of her choice. That should spark some lively conversations between her and the intern about career development.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, but you have the power to take control of your life back. I think that you should use it.

My proof is absolute!!!

She forgot that her iMessages and emails were synced to a very old pad she bought for me. Therefore,I have all of the text messages, emails, photos of them alone and with each other. They enjoyed making videos!!! Also have the text from her stating that I have no problem with her going to conference and I don’t suspect a thing!

I’ve already put everything on thumb drives which will be dropped off at post office and sent to her siblings and a few close friends as soon as she heads North on Friday.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:58 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

good and may I suggest you keep additional copies of the thumbdrives off campus (safe place away from home).

What is the status with your attorneys ?

What is your gameplan for the weekend and when she gets back ?

When do you plan on letting her know that you know and will you have papers in hand at that time ?

I’ve heard about a member called Walloped and how he exposed his wife/girlfriend. Does anyone know where I can find out what he actually did?

Sounds as though this is a deal breaker for you. Scorched earth should definitely bring about a strong response.

Glad you have done your legal homework. Have you begun the work to take care of you? STD testing asap. Find a therapist to deal with the hurt and rage. If she does take the trip are you going to file for exclusive use of the marital home? Will you be packing up her belongings and delivering them to a one month prepaid storage facility?

I’m sorry she made the choice to betray you and lie to your face again and again.

Why are you waiting for her to go to do this? Are you holding out hope that she will suddenly "come to her senses?"

If you have decided you are done and that you want to divorce, why not do it now, before she leaves?

What I and the other posters are encouraging you to do is to take control of this situation. Trust me, you will be better served in the long run if you take control now.

Stop reacting, and start acting brother. You have all the proof you need.

I’ve already put everything on thumb drives which will be dropped off at post office and sent to her siblings and a few close friends as soon as she heads North on Friday

OP,

She's already having an A, so why would you not go ahead and confront her instead of choosing this arbitrary last straw. Do you really think she'll have a last minute realization that she can't do this to you? It's not going to happen. You need to force the issue and see what happens.

No matter how she reacts, you need to make this A as difficult and uncomfortable for her is possible. Starting this weekend.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:00 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

I really think you should expose to her before she goes. You say you are giving her a choice but you aren't really since she doesn't know that you know. She is choosing between a weekend at home or a weekend with her boyfriend that she doesn't think you know about. You think she is choosing between staying married or getting divorced. If you want to give her that choice then give it to her.

Yes you will then have to deal with whether she is really remorseful if she stays and it will be a long haul. I'm not saying it will work and you will reconcile but at least be honest about what you are doing here. If you want to give her the choice you think you are then tell her now you know.

go to 'my profile' search for walloped and then click on his profile. his links are there