SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The regret of love lost - is only temporary.

[This message edited by badmemory at 9:49 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

You need to think about this. Your body is either in the mood to fight, freeze or flee. That’s the animal instinct in you trying to get to safety. Your body does not recognize what kind of stress it is under. All it knows is it wants out. You seem to be in the fight mode. All this information that people are giving you is from their own experiences. Everyone makes mistakes when they are under this much pain. You are going to make some. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You will either confront your wife before she leaves or have her served after she leaves. Either way she will know that you know. Until she knows everything else is just speculation. What you need to do is walk carefully, drive carefully, justbe careful. Your body is so ready to run that you are tripping over yourself. Safety for you is number one. Don’t drink alcohol, don’t try cooking, if you are in a car be the passenger, at work explain what is going on. You need to give yourself a break. Right now you are hanging on by your fingernails.

2018....I fully understand your strategy but also want to lay it out to ensure it is what you're looking for:

You are waiting for your wife to chose to either stay with the husband she knows (the one that sent her flowers and treats her with respect) or opt for the AP younger guy, fun, new etc. etc. This strategy will quite obviously result in a D if you stay true to this strategy as your WW will not see any reason to change her current course. This is fine and frankly, likely what I would do if not simply tell her that 1. I know what you've been up to, 2. Go have fun but you no longer have a husband to come back to.

HOWEVER: If you want to save your M....you really need to tell her before she leaves. This will either confirm that she has checked out and prefers the "new life" or she's been caught and has a chance to change her course.

No criticism or judgement here just two different strategies for two different desired outcomes.

I truly hope you get what you're looking for from the strategy you choose. I would personally do either what you're doing or simply call it a day regardless of what she does for the weekend as she's already betrayed you and the vows she's taken.

Ok, i was going to be strong and tough throughout this process! I was not going to be one of those weak kneed husbands that begs his ww to dump the pos and pick me!

But wtf!!!!! Why is she doing this??? What did I do to make her find another guy????? Was she that unhappy? Did she even think about me, us, the family????? Wtf!!!!!!

The life I know and have enjoyed for 20 + years is gone!! It is dead!!!! How could she???? I’m a good guy, good husband , a good father!!!

Wtf!!!!!!!

And yet the funeral for my marriage is tomorrow!!!!!!!

Sorry, but I’m messed up!

Thank you for letting me vent

While I have been getting some great comments and advice here, I think it best if I don’t come back for a while. But hell, I could be back in 10 minutes

Sorry, I’m really messed up

It's natural to be emotionally all over the place. But don't for one second blame yourself for this. She made her choices. You didn't MAKE her do anything. Your only fault is that you trusted her. And she crapped all over you.

We all know the hell you're going through. Keep posting, bro.

you serve her the papers and she will freak as she will know that her fun is over.

She will come home immediately with crocodile tears and then what will your reaction be ?

If you allow her to convince you to abandon the D, then she will only drive the affair underground. She won't end it.

And the younger POSOM won't take her after you divorce her. She would have blown her marriage over a young dude who doesn't give a shit about her. And then he will be out the door as he's only there in an internship

What field does she work in ?

"Ok, i was going to be strong and tough throughout this process! I was not going to be one of those weak kneed husbands that begs his ww to dump the pos and pick me! "

Confronting your WW before she goes away for the

weekend with the OM is no being weak or doing the

pick me dance.

It is you being strong. Manning up. Stating your

affair is over now or I am divorcing you.

You shouldn't leave the site. This is the one place you will get solid, real world advice from people who know what you are going through. You can read thread after thread of situations very similar to yours. That is why many are telling you to not let her leave without confronting her. Now after confrontation, if she leaves then drop the bomb. Serve her, inform family and friends, inform his wife, and so on. Well, you should inform the AP'S wife no matter what. But your wife needs to know what she is about to lose so she can make an informed decision. She has already cheated, had sex multiple times with this man. She has lied to you and covered up her affair many times already. Now she has planned a sex rump money that if for your family for this weekend. Giving her flowers and telling her I love you will not change her going. She believes you don't know about her affair. Now if you tell her you know. You tell her to end it or divorce and she goes anyway? There is no chance to save the marriage. Divorce, serve her at the hotel, and begin the work of healing yourself. But if you confront her and she cancels the trip and wants to work on saving the marriage, then you can make decisions based on what you want and need.

Sorry, I’m really messed up

SI friend, we all are/were; that's why you really need to stay.

Our mantra on here is take what you need and leave the rest. If it gets too overwhelming, take a little break, but please don't leave.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:48 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

2018MLMM

Have to ask: Are you for real?

You have gotten relatively consistent advice on confronting her before she leaves.

And here you are moaning about the marriages funeral being tomorrow…

It’s like you are watching someone headed towards a cliff and all you do is grieve the inevitable pain or death if the walk off the edge.

YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHANCE TO GRAB THAT PERSON BY THE SHOULDERS AND DIVERT THEM! You can turn them around. OK – so maybe that same person will carry on and jump but you don’t know unless you try. You seem hell-bent on not trying.

Nobody can get you out of infidelity other than YOU.

Irrespective of if the marriage can be saved or not, you have the chance of impacting her decision on going on Friday or not.

Irrespective of her decision.

Please be careful with regard to implying if the OP is "for real" - I've already seen a couple posts on this thread implying this - the mods will take care of that if it's the case. If anything, the advice given will help someone who is lurking, KWIM?

I do not know. he has a similar episode in Talkabout M and stopped abruptly like here. Hope he is genuine otherwise it is not good

2018,

I read through your “Woe is me” as far as I can tell you’re just pain shopping. There are actually four responses to a threat, Fight, Flight, Freeze, and your response FOLD.

Threat comes along and you just fall to the ground.

“I’ll send her flower” equals “Pick-Me Dance”.

“I know, but I’m going to let her go anyway” equals Passive.

“I’ll send all the evidence to family and friends, INCLUDING your Kids equals Passive-Aggressive.

All the things I’m point out are very Weak Moves and will cause you more pain. They are not going to have the desired affect you think they will have. Why??? We have already said it OVER and OVER and OVER, because It’s not about you. Her cheating Is not about You.

We know because on some scale the people suggesting to you a reasonable course of action, have done some of the things you think will work. Not only do they not work, they actually make things worse.

It’s like you’re trying to pour gasoline on a waste basket fire hoping the liquid gas will drown out the fire. All you get is a bigger fire.

You have all the proof you need. In fact, you have more proof than 90% ever have that have gone through the same thing, and survived it.

Go ahead with your stupid plan, it will sort of work. The reality, don’t tell family including Your Kids; that you knew all along that she was cheating with AZZHat, and you let her go anyway.

YOU’re the one everyone (Family and Friends) will be saying behind your back (Maybe one of your Sons might later confront you to your face)….WHAT A DUMBASS Move!!!!!....You could have stopped it and you didn’t???? You let Mom go on a Fuckfest, and you could have stopped it????

This will not be a “I held my head high” moment, keep on this path and later you’re going to seriously regret this over and over in your future.

Right now, you’re on an Emotional Roller-Coaster. It’s normal, everyone here has been on it. I know it sucks.

99% of the posters here are telling you, You are harming only yourself to allow this charade to continue.

You want to take the moral high road; Contact AZZHats Wife today, like now. If she doesn’t believe you, tell her you’re will to meet in a public place, and show her the proof. I suggest not showing the video unless you absolutely have to and mainly if you have a picture of him.

I guarantee you she will shut that shit down. He will be trying to save his ass, and throw her (Your WW) under the bus.

BTW, your wife…. divorce her or don’t divorce her??? Your party, your circus, to me it doesn’t matter. But knowing what you know, I would not take one more second of disrespect from this, not one second.

Hey I’ve been in your shoes regarding wife in an affair, once I had proof I was done, so WTF do I know. I know regret of not stopping it sooner, but I didn’t have your explicit proof.

One last comment. The choice was never hers. She doesn't know, that you know. You're the one that has the choice.

One, to live in this emotional turmoil, that YOU have created. or

Say something NOW (as in IMMEDIATELY), and inform her that she can do what she wants but not as your WIFE.

This shit is never a game, you can whatif it to death and try to wonder where you went wrong or you can talk to a wall and wait for the wall to talk back. Tell me how that works out for you.

Either way, advice is never a waste of time here. It will always help someone. We want everyone to feel safe.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:48 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

I'm only going to post on this thread this one last time unless you start listening to people here.

CONFRONT HER BEFORE SHE GOES TO HER MEETUP WITH THIS DOUCHE. SHE'S IN AFFAIR FOG. DON'T WAIT FOR HER TO MAGICALLY SNAP OUT OF THAT BECAUSE IT WON'T HAPPEN.

I now have to bow out due to frustration over you ignoring the overwhelming consensus of advice. I truly wish you well and think you could save your marriage if you listen to the people here. If you don't it's probably doomed. Good luck.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:50 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Western at 1:18 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Keep to your plan 2018. I'm sorry to hear about your situation but it seems you're on a good track to get yourself out of infidelity. Keep your cool and don't allow yourself to delve into the whys yet. Just prepare, prepare, prepare. The second step is to take back control of your life. Don't allow her choices to ruin your health or your life. Separate your finances and things. You keep the house and the kid; your WW leaves. Work on being a better person, friend, and father. Take care of yourself.

I should clarify. Either confront now or serve her there. Either has it's plus and minuses.

Just make sure you don't fall for her 'panic' after she knows that you know and have her served anyway

Keep to your plan 2018. Once she is served at the hotel you will be able to tell a lot by her actions. But you are in control once she is served and you control the D moving forward or not.

2018MLMM,

Your original post said you have known about the adultery for "a few weeks". You didn't confront at any time since then. You concentrated on being the best/perfect H.

I interpret your posts and the actions you propose to take as passive and passive-aggressive. I have an image in my mind that you are conflict avoidant. You may not have the verbal skill and emotional tools to confront her. Especially now while the shit storm is raging. Perhaps the balance/dynamic in your M has been that way. So that is all speculation on my part based on your posts.

Having said that, you are taking steps to get out of infidelity. And for that you deserve credit.

What are your next steps after she is served? I don't mean the exposure to family/friends. I mean the logistics, the "business" of D. How to handle her return. You still need a game plan. I would recommend that you equip your smart phone to record conversations with her, or get a voice activated recorder. Take this step to protect yourself.

Everyone here supports getting you out of infidelity. Not everyone supports the tactic you are using to do that. You've chosen a different path. Please keep posting because the aftermath of having her served is much more complex than this discussion of how and when to confront.