SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new to the forum. I'm trying to get caught up on all the lingo...so I'll just put everything out there. I'm 39 next month? Wife is 36 in June. We have been married 11 years as of March 2018. We have 3 kids together- 10, 6 and 4. I found out in July 2017 there was a 1 year EA/PA going on that completely blindsided me. It had been going on for 1 year. She says they only had sex once, but all the evidence I have seen just doesn't add up. Besides, even if it was just once, that is one time to many. I found out Bc she was acting weird and feel asleep and checked her phone and saw where she had sent a Facebook IM telling him she loves him, etc. since then I do believe the affair has been ended, however I can't get over it. Every day since I have found out it's hard for me to go more than 30 minutes without thinking about it. I don't want to be with anyone else and am head over heels in love with her still. She is remorseful (now anyways, she wasn't for a few months until I think she snapped out of it and woke up). But I feel like I don't have the full truth and it eats away at me.

How do I get over this feeling and move on with my(our) lives

A year affair and sex only once. Highly and I mean highly unlikely.

If you haven't informed the OM's wife you should do so without warning. Plus you may get more info.

Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end or not fire back up. If it's a coworker and they are in any contact it'll probably continue.

Without the full truth R will be almost impossible although you can stay together it'll be the elephant in the room and cause even further damage.

No one gets the full truth upfront.

Remorse maybe but more likely regret she got caught and maybe even pining for her other man.

I don't want to be with anyone else and am head over heels in love with her still.

This puts you in a precarious position. She doesn't have to do anything because she knows you aren't going to take any action.

The longer the lies remain hidden and you kept in the dark your feelings will change.

Sorry but it takes two to R successfully. At this time you aren't there.

Better wake up

[This message edited by Marz at 9:06 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

Sorry to hear this story Hurt. Have you read up on the healing library yet?

From what I understand in your situation until you know the full truth or accept that you are at a point where you know enough of the truth that you are comfortable not learning any more details there's a good chance that you may be in for Trickle Truth type of situation. If you are positive that you don't have the full truth there are many bits of advice and things people can and will suggest here that can help you to get more of the truth or decide that you can walk away.

The bitch of TT is that it prevents the A from ever really ending for the BS. I of course can't say for sure but your gut is almost always right if you think there is more and the evidence you have doesn't add up to what she was saying. Per every other post 've ever read on this board the likelyhood that someone who is caught tells the full story immediately seems to be less that 5 percent (totally made up number but you get my point). The best case scenario seems to be that a WW might be truthful when questioned about things directly but will hold back details they believe will be especially damning.

Has your wife gone to IC? Have you?

Stay Strong,

Hello, fellow Hurt friend! I am sorry that you are going through this, but we're here for you.

Aside from excellent taste in usernames, we also share another few things in common. My WW is also three years younger than me, we're also in our thirties, my DDay was also in July, my WW's EA/PA was also about one year in total length, she also professed her "love" for OM and...drumroll please...she also says they had sex only once.

Aside from the obvious STD implications (and you may consider getting yourself checked), I don't feel there's much difference between a ONS and multiple excursions...cheating is cheating...but some people feel like they have to know every detail in order to move forward. I definitely get that, from a trust perspective, but be careful what you wish for. The truth hurts.

Every day since I have found out it's hard for me to go more than 30 minutes without thinking about it.

Unfortunately, it's going to be this way for a long time. Do you have an IC? Now would be a great time to start. This is a tremendous trauma that a person goes through and should be treated as such.

Some people suggest scheduling a polygraph as a means of extracting the full details of an A. I can't speak to it's efficacy personally, but it is an option available to you.

Perhaps, before you go there though, you would consider sitting her down and asking her to fill in the gaps for you. Maybe she's ready to be honest about it.

Take care of yourself and your kids, first and foremost. Let your WW know that is your plan, and that she's welcome to come along if she so chooses. Let her see that you mean business. If she's truly remorseful and ready for R, she'll get with the program. If not...well, that 180 in the Healing Library is awfully useful (and effective!) in gaining compliance.

Keep up the good fight, and let us know how things are going.

It is true. You don't have the full truth. But that is something you have to demand and fight for. Most Waywards will not volunteer that information. If she said sex one time, then that is a lie. I would not be surprised if the affair has gone underground. But if it is over, and you want to remain married to her, tell her to give you a timeline of the affair, from the beginning to the end. Tell her you want to see all correspondences between the two. If he is married, inform his wife. But get as much information as you can. Your mind wont rest until you can get closure. And that wont happen without information.

it's hard for me to go more than 30 minutes without thinking about it

HurtKW, you are probably posting in the wrong forum. Even though it has been since July, your feelings and the amount of information you have squarely put you in the Just Found Out category. Especially since it is likely that she is keeping a pile of secrets from you, each of which is a little Just Found Out gift waiting to be unwrapped.

But I feel like I don't have the full truth and it eats away at me.

A whole grab bag of Just Found Out's, each one as bad as the first, each one resetting you to the beginning.

Here's the hard truth of it, based on statistics over thousands to millions of instances of people being in your situation. You will probably divorce. Statistically speaking, the majority of marriages do not survive what your marriage has just suffered. At an absolute bare minimum, you should accept that as a possible outcome that you can't completely control, since it takes two to have a marriage, and two to save one. Not sure you have two real participants at the moment.

So again, you are still in triage. There is still bleeding going on, new injuries to the marriage being revealed. Really, too soon to commit to R. Too soon to let her know her work is done. Much to be learned about who she actually is (hint: she's not the person you thought she was) and who you are too.

Keep posting, and consider bringing your story to the JFO forum. You'll get maybe more appropriate advice for the stage you are in.

Sending strength!

Without the truth, it's impossible to reconcile.

Schedule get for a poly.

She says they only had sex once, but all the evidence I have seen just doesn't add up.

Ummm, nope. I have found that a lot of WS will say twice, because I think they realize if they say once, nobody will ever believe them.

Not that twice isn't anymore ridiculous.

Is the guy married? have you exposed him yet?

Is this a co-worker? How did it start, and how is he connected to her?

I would caution you not to be too quick to assume the affair is over. Many have made that mistake/

What you're going through is entirely normal.

Dramatic media - movies, TV, novels, even news - teaches us that it's easy to recover from being betrayed. Nothing can be further from the truth, IMO. In a relationship that's meaningful to a BS/BSO (Betrayed Spouse or Significant Other) cheating hurts immensely. It just plain messes up the BS's life.

It's one thing to want Reconciliation immediately. I sure did; I knew I wanted to stay M. I'd been in love with my W for 45+ years on d-day.

But Would not let myself stay unless the M became great. To stay, my W had to change - she had to stop being co-dependent. She had to show me she loved and was in love with me.

If she had not started working to change from cheater to good partner, I like to think I would have walked - and that's what I recommend to you.

Figure out your requirements for R. If she signs on, or if she suggests alternatives that you are OK with, R is possible. If she won't, you're likely to be wasting your time.

Standard requirements are

No Contact ('NC'),

therapy/Individual Counseling ('IC') for your W to get the help she needs to change from cheater to good partner,

honesty - answering all your questions and no more lies,

transparency - keeping you informed of her whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times,

Marriage Counseling ('MC') when one of you thinks it will help.

and specifics for you (for example, my W had to arrange weekly dates for a while - it turns out she's better at that than I am, so she arranges most of our excursions even now).

Right now, your W doesn't sound honest. I urge you to at least consider demanding honesty. I mean 'demand' - either she delivers, or you D.

You cannot R with a person who is still lying. You can rug-sweep, but if you continue to do that, you will be selling yourself out and setting yourself up for an even worse M than you have now.

************************************

I strongly suggest you do not mention SI to your W. Keep SI for yourself for now. If she ever commits to doing the work necessary to R, you can share it then.

***********************************

You'll get 3 types of advice here. The first type is very useful - it's the counsel that helps you figure out what you want.

The 2nd is useful, too - it lays out how to achieve a goal if you decide you want to achieve that goal. (This post is one of those.)

The 3rd type is, IMO, useless, at best, IMO - that's the type in which the writer says or implies s/he knows exactly what you need to do. Remember - you know yourself and your situation better than anyone here does, and you;re the only one who leads your life. So take directives with grains of salt.

***********************************

Remember also that human beings are healing machines. You've been dealt a terrible hand. You've lost a lot, and you can't retrieve what you've lost.

But you can recover. You can survive. You can thrive.

***********************************

There's a link to the 'Healing Library' in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages. I urge you to explore it.

**********************************

If you like to read, here's a few suggestions:

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

In December 2016, my wife initially confessed to "only" three times having sex with her other guy.

This spring, more than one year after my D-Day, she told me it was actually more like seven times - and one of them was a 90-minute porn star type of session, the hottest experience of her life.

I'm sure the truth is closer to the second item there for most waywards. Otherwise, what is the point of the affair? The sex is a crucial part.

For a yearlong affair, your wife had sex with her other guy more than once. You can book it.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply!

A few follow ups on some of the responses:

The night I found out I reached out to his spouse who was linked to his Facebook account. She confronted him and kept tabs on him. They actually ended up trying to work things out, but ended up getting divorced in late December. They had no kids so I suppose the incentive to stay together wasn't as strong, especially when multiple other women came out and admitted he was or had an affair with them as well

No polygraph...but I do get why it is brought up. I'm very private, I don't want to bring in any more people then I have to

They aren't coworkers. They knew each other in HS in a different city/county. She ran into him at the grocery store we shop where he is a manager. He got transferred to where we live and ended up moving here. Fortunately he has since been transferred back to the place he was, but still lives in the same city we do rather then an hour away where he works.

I have "kept tabs" and do honestly believe the affair is 100% over. However the pain is still there. The one time story of which she promises on everything doesn't add up due to all the times she went to that grocery store late at night to shop, and would be gone for 1-2 hours. She said they were just talking, but I'll never believe that.

So the hurt of the affair and what I believe is not full truth are what have brought me here...as well as a place I can go to be around people who have been through the hurt that I have

[This message edited by HurtKW at 4:14 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

I think you know the likelihood of you having the truth. And, imo, until you have the truth, the nagging gut feeling is going to keep chomping away.

Serious question...should I just accept what is the "truth" based upon what I am told and move on knowing the affair is over and we both want it in the past and reconcile and move past this? Is this something I should risk our future over simply for my peace of mind. As mentioned if it is once or one hundred times, the infidelity happened and the pain is there.

These are the struggles I deal with every day. How important is it for me to "know everything" in the grand scheme of things?

You'll never know everything but a yearlong affair and sex once is a lie.

This is your life only you know what's acceptable and what's not.

Any real shot at reconciliation is based on truth and trust. And you need truth before you can have trust. If the truth is still trickling out then you are still in the discovery phase.

As a betrayed spouse, we want the pain the stop and to move on but unfortunately things don't seem the happen the way that we want. If that were true then the A would never have happened in the first place. So we get what we get and must endure.

Serious question...should I just accept what is the "truth" based upon what I am told

No, for a couple of reasons. First, while it may be true, it probably isn’t. What is much more likely to be true is something between what she told you, and your worst nightmare. So consider that that is the truth and go forward from there. Tell her this is what you believe happened, that you are going to accept as the truth since it is most likely, not the story she gave you.

This then puts you in control. You get to decide what you accept as the truth, the words from a known liar and cheat, or what makes sense. Suggest that she can offer to take a poly to convince you it wasn’t so bad, but otherwise defend yourself and assume the worst. You are in control.

Has been tested for STDs? Demand it. All of the diseases. It is humiliating, but necessary. You are in control.

See the running theme? Take control. If you can’t agree on the truth, assume the worst. If the worst is not acceptable, don’t accept it. Out the onus on her to be honest, not on her to hide it. Set the framework so that honesty becomes her winning play, not lying. Accept nothing less than the respect you deserve.

Sending strength!

I think you should be frank with your WW (or FWW). "We have established that you are a liar. You lied to me every day for ____ months. Now, you expect me to believe that you were in an A with a former BF, a sexual A, but you only had sex one time during the entire year? Yet you spent that whole year lying to me about him, to not have sex? Until you give me a reason to believe you, I have to assume that you are still lying to me."

HurtKW, I too didn't find SI for a little over a year from my DDay. I did not have the whole story, only what I could prove. I just wanted to get past it, but that doesn't work.

I was angry all the time and the A was on my mind all the time. I went looking to see if this was normal and found SI. Shortly after, I told my wife that she needed to read How to Help Your Spounse Heal from Your Affair and that I wanted a detailed timeline and a bunch of questions answered. I also wanted her to go to IC to figure out her "why".

At first, she resisted and was very unhappy, but I think she knew that I was ready to walk at that point, so she started doing the work. It was hard for me at first finding out details, but what I had imagined was far worse than reality.

You need to get the truth in order to calm down the thoughts. If you plan on staying, you absolutely have to know the truth so that you know what you are trying to reconcile.

Don't continue the rugsweeping. I did a little over a year of it and it just eats you up.

I wish you the best.

Hi HurtKW,

For me, I did not want to know the details of the sex, how long, when, where, etc. I don't want those thoughts in my head. The fact is - they had sex. My WS broke a promise, a vow. I don't care how she was in bed.

IMHO you know enough. They had an affair and it included sex. I would concentrate on rebuilding trust. This is just my opinion.

I know how much it hurts. I am thinking of you!