SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wont get into great detail about my affair

The bottom line is I was in an affair for around 5-6 months and was physical and very emotional. We had trouble saying goodbye which we just recently did. We ended facebook but then found out she also blocked me. Im having trouble because I should have done that. I kept thinking I needed to but she pulled the trigger. We were on the same page struggling to say goodbye.

Why am I struggling so hard? Today my wife is at work and on a day like this I normally would be texting the AP all day. I was addicted to the lust, sex, infatuation, texting, etc. How can I get past all this? This is the worst pain ever and I want this hell to be over.

Its only been a few days of zero contact. My wife has stuck with me through this whole thing and we are working on making our marriage better. I am in total regret for my decisions and want these painful feelings to go away.

Help!!!

[This message edited by Learningtolove at 10:02 AM, May 7th (Monday)]

I’m 5 months since d day. I still think about AP everyday. The fog is over but he’s still in my blood. When I ruminate over him, I try to divert my attention. I paint, meditate, exercise.

Can you change your routine so that you aren’t doing you’re daily past schedule feeling hopeless?

My schedule is about to change, Ill be hanging around the house more as of tonight I will be placing my two weeks into my job. I work at a hospital and have a good job but am leaving to get away from her. My mind just cant seem to stop thinking about her. I want to stop. The question is...

Why do I still think the way I do when I realize that everything was based off a fantasy?

I ask myself the same thing. You really won’t have any answers until you go through this withdrawal. In a few weeks you’ll see things a bit clearer but right now, you just need to try and stay busy to avoid thinking about AP. It’s good your job is changing.

What hobbies do you or did you enjoy before the A? How bout taking up a new one? Maybe journal... art can be a great distraction. Get out of the house. Break the routine. You’re going to hurt and ruminate for a while. It’s all part of it.

Some days are easier than others. Some days suck. Some days you’ll feel indifferent. The pit in your stomach will go away. You’ll eat again. Just give yourself time and do something you enjoy that is healthy.

Tread lightly about your withdrawal to your BS. She is hurting right now too. So is AP. Remind yourself that this is how it has to be. That this is for the better. This is what you have to do for BS. Post here. Lurk... do google searches. Take care of your needs. You can do this. You will do this.

This self guided meditation has really really helped me.

https://youtu.be/1vx8iUvfyCY

It really is the worst pain ever!!!! Especially because you know they’re not good for you, and you want to work on your marriage!

I’m 1.5 months out and still struggling!!! My AP is like a drug, and my body and mind craves that fix all day everyday.

The only thing that slightly helped was blocking him off of everything and no contact.

But I saw him on the freeway the other day, and it set me back to the beginning. We broke NC and he’s begging for me back. I told him no, but I’m having a hard time blocking him again and not checking his fb. We also are having a super hard time saying goodbye. And our was also deeply emotional and physical.

It gets better. It does. But it takes time. You need something to occupy the cravings your brain has for the contact. I walked a lot and talked to friends. I kept myself as busy as possible. I would also do mental exercises, if I thought of him, I would imagine the hurt and pain he caused and see the image in my head, acknowledge it, and let it go.

For me the 5 month mark was pretty crucial, I no longer felt foggy, I could see things clear, but that is when the devastation and hurt and pain, and real acknowledgement of what I had done set it, which was worse then the pain after dday.

At 14 months out I can say the ONLY thoughts I have about my affair are related to myself and my husband, I hold no feelings for or towards my AP.

I know if feels like a death, and you are going to mourn the loss of it, but be grateful for the gift of a 2nd chance with your spouse.

I'm 4.5 years out and one of the many things I've learned is that infidelity means PAIN. I got into an affair to avoid pain and the irony is I had to feel it anyway. The loneliness I sought to soothe with an AP I had to feel anyway once the A ended.

Keep busy is about all I've got and remind yourself that it will pass.

Wow thank you all for the replys. I took my 4 year old to the park today and I literally couldnt stop thinking about her. It sucks because my wife is struggling to deal with the fears and hurt I caused while I am trying to get over feelings for the AP! Its sick but I cant help it. It sucks so bad. So much of me wants to know how shes handling it, why she blocked on facebook when she knows Ill see her at work. She doesnt know Im putting my two weeks in tonight. It just sucks. I dont want her back, I dont want to talk to her, I just wanted to be the one to block her, like I was the stronger one. Ugh.

[This message edited by Learningtolove at 1:57 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Mental exercises. Thinking of her is a habit, a reflex you have taught yourself.

Sometimes you want to hang onto the pleasant memories because subconsciously you feel that if it wasn’t real it wasn’t worth it.

Spend time empathizing with your wife. The more you can connect to the damage done to her the less you will ruminate on missing the AP.

What would you tell a friend that was in your exact position.

It’s an act of the greatest amount of love that your wife is even willing to work it through with you. Connect with that, focus on her. Stay busy.

When you have a memory imagine your wife witnessing it.

Think about what your life would be like if your wife divorces you. Be on her team, think of the thoughts as more betrayal because it is. Go to IC, prayer and meditation helped me a lot.

I am ten months past A and my husband just asked me for a divorce, the pain is not the fluff of post affair pain. Take it from me, you stay on trajectory of ending your marriage if you can’t go all in on R. Talk to your wife about anything and everything. Be vulnerable to her. Show her your love. R is a full time job, don’t be laying down on that job.

You know logically it wasn’t real. That’s a good step. Keep going you’ll break the habits that go along with A. Reread your post- you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. I don’t point it out to be hurtful but if you read it again, 99 percent of it is about your feelings and the AP. You barely acknowledge your wife. Don’t wake up months from now when it’s too late.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:02 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

quote

You know logically it wasn’t real. That’s a good step. Keep going you’ll break the habits that go along with A. Reread your post- you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. I don’t point it out to be hurtful but if you read it again, 99 percent of it is about your feelings and the AP. You barely acknowledge your wife. Don’t wake up months from now when it’s too late.

quote

Wow. You are right. I mean I know Im struggling with the feelings still but re-reading what I have been writing. Ugh. The pain affairs cause!

Oh and the need to block first- that’s your ego. Let that shit go.

It's definitely a painful time. I've never felt such intense emotional pain. The pain that your partner is feeling along with the pain of losing your AP. I'm 4 months out and still struggling. I've maintained NC but we ended it abruptly and never really got a chance to say goodbye, it was more like 'take care'. It's especially difficult because I can't discuss with my H. My advice would be to take it day by day and also find a good IC. The IC is the only person that I can talk about my feelings about the AP and that loss without judgement. That has helped a lot but I still wonder if I will ever feel happy again.

I struggle with wondering if he is going through as much pain as I am or if he's over it. I don't know why I need to know that, I just have this need to know that he misses me.

This is probably the most difficult thing you will ever have to deal with in your life. Don't expect the pain to go away in a short amount of time.

I felt that way too badgergirl, at one point. But I will tell you why you feel that need:

The AP made you feel special and if he doesn’t miss you it makes that not true. He gave you ego kibbles that you needed for validation, him not providing that makes you miss the validation that you were getting.

We tell ourselves everything and anything in the thick of it. Star crossed lovers, meant to be, etc. The affair lends itself to a grandiosity that when it crashes down its a long fall. Seek validation through healthy accomplishments and through building up your self love. If you have that, you won’t give two craps about what the AP is doing or feeling.

My wife has stuck with me through this whole thing and we are working on making our marriage better. I am in total regret for my decisions and want these painful feelings to go away.

First off, you cheated for reasons that had nothing to do with your marriage. So, saying that things are just going to work out if you fix your marriage isn't going to help. You cheated for you. Your ego boost that you got through filling lust and blah blah blah. You. Just you. So, fix you. Stop needing those things in order to feel validated and things will get better. You miss the stuff your adult mature wife wouldn't do for you because you are an adult and not a child. She held you accountable and you don't like that. So, in order to stop the pain... Grow up.

Second of all, good for you to notice you are only in regret and zero remorse. It is all about you and your pain. You had no self esteem and self confidence before. You didn't validate yourself before. You filled it with easy and cheap, and now you are left worse off and empty. Suck it up. Bite the bullet. Get comfortable with feeling like shit and own it. Get past it and face not feeling validated because it is going to last a while. Go to IC and learn how to take steps to be enough for yourself instead of using people like objects to take and feed your selfish unrealistic needs.

It's chemical withdrawal.

Right now, you feel like the AP rejected you, and your brain is responding to that like a drug addict craving a fix.

You know it's unhealthy, but you keep feeling that way.

So the question is, how are you going to be PROACTIVE about "getting over it"? Or rather, how are you going to put the AP in the place they need to be in your life - which is not there.

How are you going to be proactive about getting over that fix? Sitting and waiting for it to go away won't work - not for you, and not for your marriage.

Take your mind to a different place. Think back to the beginning of your choices. What did you tell yourself to make it OK to cross boundaries and begin an affair? What was the first lie you told yourself? What was the first lie you told your BW?

Now, a thought exercise. I'm going to strongly encourage you to do BOTH parts of this. If you do only the first part and neglect the second part, it could mire you much further in selfishness, for longer.

Part 1: Make a list of the things you think you've lost as a result of the A.

Part 2: Make a list of the things your A has cost your M and your BW. Really think about it. Better yet - ask your wife herself, and really listen to her answers. Write it down. Let it sink in. Feel it.

It definitely hurts. I'm about 2.5 months out from ending my A and I still think about her a lot. I logically know it's wrong too, and I wish I could just flick a switch and forget her.

I'm not sure what your situation is but my AP was single and I know that if I were to leave my wife tomorrow she'd be with me. I ended the affair myself because I knew I wanted to save my marriage, but knowing in the back of my mind that AP is still out there and an "option" if I chose it actually makes it harder to move on in some ways. Don't get worked up about her blocking you - see it as a blessing that she's willing to do some of the tough NC work too.

I've tried what others on here suggest. Some of it works, sometimes. Staying busy with other things definitely helps. However, I think the only real healer has to be time. Stay strong and let the time pass.

I ended the affair myself because I knew I wanted to save my marriage, but knowing in the back of my mind that AP is still out there and an "option" if I chose it actually makes it harder to move on in some ways.

So in your mind, the door to the AP remains open. How are you going to close that door, Needtomoveon1?

I've tried what others on here suggest. Some of it works, sometimes. Staying busy with other things definitely helps.

What suggestions did you try? What worked, and what didn't?

However, I think the only real healer has to be time. Stay strong and let the time pass.

Does your wife know that you're still pining for the OW?

Silverhopes - the option is closed to me because I made the choice of my marriage, and continue to make that choice every day. I can't change the facts though - AP is single, and she loves me (or thinks she does), so deep down I know that if I really wanted to choose her instead of my marriage I could. This was the case when I ended my affair though so nothing has changed. I guess my point was that it takes personal resolve and will power when you have moments of weakness, which lots of people on this thread obviously have.

The moments of weakness become less frequent and intense with time. And the personal resolve and dedication to marriage becomes stronger with time. As people say, time is the great healer.

You can use as many techniques as possible to try and stop your weak thoughts about AP, and I try as many as I can. Refocus onto your wife, picture the pain caused, etc. Unless you are incredibly in control of your conscious and unconscious mind (which most mortals aren't!) then there is no point in beating yourself up about thoughts and feelings that enter your mind. You can't stop it happening. You just need to deal with it in the best way possible, never act on them, and redirect your energies as much as you can to where it matters.

The moments of weakness become less frequent and intense with time. And the personal resolve and dedication to marriage becomes stronger with time. As people say, time is the great healer.

I disagree. I would say it's what you do with the time that determines how you heal. While waiting for the addiction to fade is necessary, I think we mortals need to be more proactive than that.

the option is closed to me because I made the choice of my marriage, and continue to make that choice every day.

This is a great start. What are the ways that you choose your marriage every day?

Maybe I am different here but the worst pain for me was seeing my H’s pain and hurt because of me. Your spouse has the worst pain ever. Read in the JFO and General they are the ones going through the worst pain ever. My feelings changes fast towards AP when seeing my H in the worse pain ever!!! My pain was crap compare to my H’s pain.

What do you think your spouse is feeling???? You broke your vows to your spouse. You should be thinking about their pain and not yours. There is no comparing pain when someone made the choose to cheat compare to the one who didn’t have the choice at all.