SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been officially separated since July 1st, 2018. The separation was initiated by my wife, but she has since been suffering from a lot of issues which she is no longer rug sweeping and ignoring. For the first time in our marriage she is facing reality and I hate sitting back and seeing her having to deal with issues, dating back before we even met.

I'm aware those issues aren't my problem necessarily. I've been keeping my distance as much as I can, but it feels so wrong.

My family is trying to encourage me to go out and date. A few weeks ago I talked to my ex-girlfriend from before my wife, and last night met her for coffee. I wasn't necessarily looking to replace my wife, but I just wanted to forget about my wife, convince myself that letting her go was the right choice, or maybe even convince myself I didn't love her as much as I thought I did.

I had also been thinking about a post Darkness Falls posted in the Wayward Forum. I commented in that thread, but going to this meeting just strengthen my feelings about my current relationship with my wife. I felt absolutely no unresolved feelings for my ex-girlfriend. If anything I felt kind of bitter toward her. A year after we broke up, she met another man and got engaged within a year. Where she had strung me along. I spent most of the day today thinking about that relationship and I never realized just how much I would have settled with her, even if I were to have married her I'd regret it.

Which brings me to my wife. From the very beginning, I was attracted to her. On the surface, it may seem like a mistake, back then 19, stripper, bold, flirty, etc. But I always thought we were compatible in so many ways, all the ways that mattered. Take away her infidelity, she is the perfect wife, the perfect mother and perfect friend. I just find that so hard to let go.

She is so damn stubborn and is determined on working on her issues by herself, she doesn't want to keep hurting me. She is her own worst enemy. Not to mention she is having some pregnancy-related issues, that I don't want her to have to suffer through alone.

Next week I get the DNA test next week, which deep down I think will give me the results I want.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 10:18 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]

I remember you. If you feel in your heart this is what you want even knowing the risks then who should say you should not reach out. I cannot understand why she did what she did but perhaps she can. I know it would give you great joy if she could overcome this and her sad young days. If she can keep telling you her feelings and hide nothing and be honest as things come up for her then you can face them together.

I know you love her very much. It is good that you were not married to the other woman, it is well that you have confirmed this in your heart.

There are practical people who will say this is not the best for you and you should look elsewhere. I've never been practical and if I was, I'd be married to someone I never gave my whole heart to and living a nice meh life. I feel for you so much.

There are practical people who will say this is not the best for you and you should look elsewhere. I've never been practical and if I was, I'd be married to someone I never gave my whole heart to and living a nice meh life. I feel for you so much.

I do think it would have been a lot easier in a way if I remained with my ex-girlfriend but definitely not fulfilling. Everyone loved her. She on paper she sounded perfect: educated, charismatic, attractive and kind. But looking back I wanted a family so badly, and she had promised me that and I never focused on what was lacking between us and I really missed all the warning signs.

It was less than a month between breaking up with her and getting with my wife. Not to say I didn't feel sadness over our break up but dating my wife, I was excited and what was suppose to be a rebound turned into a long-term relationship.

Hi familyman, wanting to reconcile with your wayward wife is a normal feeling but you need to consider a few things;

Your wife is a serial cheater. By accepting this multiple times in the past with minimal work done by your wife you are essentially allowed her behavior to continue, at your own expense.

Your wife is saying she needs to work on herself, let her. She needs to work on why she cheats and acknowledge and address her issues. Taking her back before she does this is letting history repeat itself.

It takes two committed people in a marriage to reconcile and to survive and beat infidelity. It is hard painful work that requires honesty, tenacity and a remorseful wayward spouse that puts 1000% into it. It takes years to address issues and change behaviors. I’m certainly not saying it’s impossible but you can’t reconcile alone.

Are you willing to continue your marriage accepting infidelity as part of it? Or do you want more than that?

I’m unsure what the comparison between your wayward wife and ex girlfriend is all about but while your wife maybe more exciting, that excitement comes at a cost to you.

Sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh but I hope you take the necessary steps to get out of infidelity. I truly wish you the best and hope your wayward wife can do the hard work. More importantly I hope you make good choices for you.

I'm not surprised that you didn't feel any connection with your ex. You're still neck-deep in the current drama for one thing, and... we can never go back to the way things were. Not even in R.

My WH and I have been working on R for nearly 4 years now, and it's NOT THE SAME. It's never going to be the same. And while I do love him and we're pretty happy to still be together, I'll never fully trust him again or love him with the wild abandon I once had. It's four years later and I still think of his betrayal every day, multiple times each day, and when I'm triggered... all day. I'm still guarded.

Not trying to discourage you. I just want you to know that even if you can pull this off, it's going to be different. You can never un-know what you know about your WW's capacity for deceit. Just like you couldn't sit there in the presence of your ex and not know she married someone else instead of you.

People can change. But real and lasting change is rare indeed. My WH is still pretty much the same guy he always was, and even though I believe he's not cheating now and that he will most likely refrain from further adultery, the capacity for it is still within him. His habits and his actions have changed, but his character has not, not really.

Like I said... not trying to discourage you. You just need to be aware that it's not all a bowl of cherries. There's risk in everything we do, of course. You have no guarantee that the next woman you meet wouldn't abuse your trust in the same way. But you already know what this one is capable of. Bear that in mind as you proceed.

Strength to you.

Familyman. You are a great guy. You love your wife. Despite everything you love your wife.

It could be a mistake to for you to help her. And I know this is hard to read AND even harder to do. I hope I can explain it well.

Right now your M is on life support. Because of your Wife and her choices. (Not bashing her - just stating the obvious).

Think of your marriage as a person with trouble breathing. They are on a ventilator. With the right tools, they can learn to breathe on their own.

Your Wife needs to stop using her past as her excuses for cheating. She needs to learn how to cope without cheating and making the same mistakes. If you run to her and help her - she won’t move forward and work on herself. Because you are not letting her.

You cannot remain in “fix it mode” in your M. I view that as a mistake. You will end up in the same place as you are now. And the likelihood that your W will cheat again increases.

It is hard watching those you love suffer and struggle. As a parent it is hard watching your children make a mistake. But if you never say “no” and give your spouse or child everything they want and don’t t give them the tools they need to face failures or issues - you are setting them up for a lifetime of failures.

Going running back to your W sends a message to her that her cheating is acceptable and you will overlook it. It sends a message she is not required to learn from her mistakes and do better in the future. It tells her that she doesn’t have to change to repair the M and reconcile.

Ask me how I know is this. Because I required nothing of my H

After his first 4 year EA. So he had a second one. This time I changed. And he won’t be doing that again. Because there were consequences and demands I made to R.

If you give your kids or spouse all the answers they end up not being able to think for themselves. I have children. One went halfway (more than halfway) across the country to college. I never once worried b/c he I feel I sent him/her off prepared.

That is what you need to accomplish with your wife. You need to allow her to fix herself on her own. You can provide support and love. But that doesn’t mean you should hold her hand every step of the way or Tell her how to fix it.

She needs to figure that out on her own.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:03 AM, September 10th (Monday)]

Are you in IC? You seem to have a pattern of wanting your wife no matter how much she resists or says she wants out. You move, you expose her boss, etc. You are taking these huge actions and still she chose to move out this summer.

I'm all for reconciliation if the two of you can become healthy on your own and then create a healthy relationship, and I understand that her being pregnant, hopefully with your child, adds urgency to that. But I do wonder why you have such strong, positive feelings for someone who has repeatedly betrayed you and who keeps trying to leave the relationship. It seems like your feelings are completely independent of the reality of how this relationship affects you or serves you. These seem like important topics to explore with a good counselor.

FamilyMan75:

Please do not be discouraged. I just want you to know that there have been posters here who graciously listened to advice to D their WW in cases like yours but persisted and were eventually successful in R. Every case is different and unique. You have a deep connection to your WW and want to R. I wish you well. It seems to me based on your posts that your WW is pushing you away because she knows her weaknesses and does not want to hurt you more. I have not seen evidence that she cheats because she has found a new soulmate.

It appears she is taking the effort to work on her weaknesses, but it is a long, hard process. You have every right to support and comfort her thru this process, and let her know you won’t give up on her, if you wish. I think a lot depends on the results of the d.n.a. tests if I am not mistaken. But in any case if you choose to try and R, go into it with your eyes wide open, knowing that you are opening yourself up for a lot of potential pain along the way. She really needs to work o; herself for your M to survive. Take care of yourself first. Good luck.😎

I'm aware and accept my marriage will never be the same. I can't see it being anything but better. She has cheated since the beginning. I realize in the end she may never change. I just don't believe at her core she is a horrible person and I want to give it one last go, as long as she is truly wanting to stop with the excuses and deal with her issues. Because I see value in her and what she brings to my life.

I need to keep telling myself that no one knows her like do. Everyone only sees what I tell them or what they see at that particular moment. I don't believe infidelity is what defines her. There is so much more to her that makes her a wonderful person. She is a very compassionate person, big strong personality, and so much more.

She has recently said she missed me but was afraid of hurting me and that is why she wants to stay away. She has managed to at least to come to the conclusion that every time she wanted "out" was because she thought it would be easier to just go and pretend there was nothing wrong with her, then to face her demons.

This time I'm trying my hardest to give her what she wants. But deep down inside I do one hundred percent believes she wants me and her family together, but fear is driving her away.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 9:39 AM, September 10th (Monday)]

Take away her infidelity, she is the perfect wife, the perfect mother and perfect friend.

Familyman75, let her do her work. And you need to do your work. Stop minimizing what she did. She needs to earn her way back.

She has initiated on her own, counseling and attending meetings for sex addiction.

Right now she is having some complications which make me worried about her physical health. She went from full time to part time at work because of joint paint. The other night she went to the ER because it was that bad. They did a bunch of testing. Baby is fine and they told her to deal with it essentially.