SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1) When a BS has an affair and becomes a mad hatter does it hurt the original WS as much as it did the original BS ?

2) Does the new Mad Hatter feel any pain relief ?

3) Does the new Mad Hatter affair have to last as long or longer than the original affair to provide any positive effect ?

You'd have to do it for 2 years several times per week... to find out.

Just leave her and start afresh. You will look yourself in the mirror with honour and not stoop to the level of slime as she did.

There is life after a WW. Stop beating yourself up about this and move on. detach and find someone who is worthy of trusting. They do exist...

Mad hatter here!

My affair its more related with my own feelings after my wife affair. I was humiliated and questioning if I am capable to give a women a good sex night, or if I would seduced a women.

And I did all this thing and found my answer and felt much better after that but the true my wife didn't hurt so badly like I when's discovers.

I think she probably waiting for....

The pain not change with the affair. In my case all affair not take so long only feel days.

I think it's probably a thought process most BS go through. In my case it was because I just didn't think that WW got my pain. She just didn't seem to have any empathy. But in the end I realised that it's because she is not capable of empathy.

I think if I had done it, she would have been hurt and humiliated but very quickly would have wanted to reconcile on the grounds that she could use it any time she wanted as a weapon.

I think it's usually going to be a mistake and hurt the BS more in the long term. Either sort out all the issues and R or just leave and find someone else or be alone.

Getting equal is kid's stuff really isn't it? Plus it makes you 2 crappy people instead of just 1. What kind of relationship is that? 2 bitter, angry people.

I have to admit I had the opportunity and I very nearly did so I am far from perfect but in the end, I am glad I didn't.

My observation from madhatter situations is that in most cases (a) the WW doesn't hurt as badly as the BH did from the initial A because she feels she deserved it in some way, and (b) it gives the WW "ammunition" against you when you try to talk about how hurt you are from her A. In the worst case, she isn't really hurt at all, but she feels she can nullify and ignore your trauma altogether because of your RA.

Unlike other posters here, I'm not one who says it "takes you down to her level". I don't think that is the case. But I don't think it will be very likely to help you feel better.

I second Butforthegrace's comment.

Instead of wondering what revenge would look like, and I can tell you from a professional angle, don't. You lose moral high ground and preferential treatment during divorce proceedings. Look up postings by Skins21. He went through a very similar scenario to your own. His ExWW denied him sex during a five year period while submitting to a sleazebag coworker.

You want to get back at her? Kick her out, and you start a divorce that will flatten her world. You get good and angry and you stop beating yourself up. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with a wife with a fucked up mind.

Take this from me, who sees approximately 2-3 divorce cases a year, for now 35 years, the wayward women that hurt the most, are the ones that see the good guy they fucked over, end up with a great new wife and great new life. And they have only themselves to blame for losing out.

SweetCreamPie, have you started IC? I think you could benefit from it. You a desperately trying to escape this pain, and it is understandable, but something about your posts makes me think you need help processing your feelings.

Think of other possibility that you have a RA. Your wife then decides she “cannot live with a cheater” and D you. I know it is hypocritical BUT that is the mentality of some people.

There was a poster on here that it happened to. H cheated for years. W had an A and he dumped her immediately.

If you want to “get even” then living well is the best revenge. With or without the cheater.

I could very easily cheat on my H. Yes it would be “fair” in that he cheated twice. But I refuse to be a sleazy skanky lying cheater just to “get even” with him. Revenge to me (after an extended period of time) May signify that you cannot accept the A and R is not possible.

Don’t get me wrong - I Love a good revenge story and cheaters deserve it. But I’m not going to be revengeful to my H by having an A. That’s not going to solve anything.

However I did get “revenge” if you want to call it that. I don’t do his laundry or errands or chores. I’m not his maid service any longer. I redefined our M to put me first (no nasty) but I’m not the doormat I once was.

He’s probably sorry to see the old me go. I was easier to live with. Now I never back down. I’m not making him “pay” for cheating. I’m just not being the wife who is easy going.

It could (hurt the WS as much), but it usually won't. First off, let me say, seeking revenge isn't exactly the healthiest way to get over this. If you're looking for to become a MH to try to feel better about yourself, well then, I can't tell you not to, but, it will NOT work if you're looking to cause the same pain to your W.

Your a guy. The PA has you torn up. So, you go out and become a MH; what does that look like? Find a woman, have a ONS? How are you going to do that; lie about being married, your intentions, who you are? If so, there's the serious moral issue here, your going to hurt another person (your AP) for no reason at all, just to get back at a person she doesn't even know. I suppose you could go the "honest" route, meet a woman, tell her you'd like to f**k and that it's to get back at your wife for her A. Let us know in 2074 when you find a woman who will agree to that and how it went for you. You will have to lie to her, and you will hurt her, which is a primary reason that MH situations are morally problematic for men.

You could pay a prostitute, which comes with other problems (legality, disease, morality, etc), but would that really hurt your wife? Or would she see it as "your even" now even though it's totally different (IMHO)? So you gave up the moral highground for what?

If you want to get even, it's not a PA you want. It's a long, drawn out EA. Because the pain you feel from a PA is likely the pain your wife will feel from an EA. So now what? You want to go out and groom an AP and spend the next 2 years lying to her about your intentions, spending your nights texting stupid emojis and "I love you's" to someone else? For what? Just to show your wife what the pain is like? Seems like an awful waste of time for you, and the end result is probably D, I doubt your wife will be as strong as you are and if you present with a hugely involved EA (compared to her sexual Olympics PA) I think you'll find she'll walk out the door. So, what have you accomplished? You blew up another woman's life for 2 years just to get a D. You could have a D in a few months and enter into a real emotional/physical relationship with someone new and be on your way to remarried in 2 years. Why waste the time, unless you really feel justice/vengeance is the only way forward for you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^Well put, RIO.

Well, since your marriage died when she decided to fuck someone else, there is no moral issues with getting laid by another woman. If it was me, I'd take $2,000 in cash, fly to Reno and live it up. The Mustang ranch is a few miles drive out of town where you can do whatever you want. You don 't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave!

Or you can separate and tell her dating is on the table. Then hit up POF and other sites, a bar or two, and see how your marketable you are. If you are a successful guy with a career, decent looks and present yourself well, you'll have plenty of single women to choose from. I had no problem getting laid after day 1 of separating.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 9:34 AM, October 14th (Sunday)]

What does Mad Hatter mean?

What does Mad Hatter mean?

it's when the person who was cheated on decides to get revenge and has an affair.

I agree with Plate.

"...the wayward women that hurt the most, are the ones that see the good guy they fucked over, end up with a great new wife and great new life. And they have only themselves to blame for losing out."

Success is the best revenge.

1) When a BS has an affair and becomes a mad hatter does it hurt the original WS as much as it did the original BS ?

Mad hatter here. He never seemed to be too bothered by my affair. he seemed to know why he "deserved" it, and because it didn't hurt him, he didn't understand why I couldn't just get over it.

2) Does the new Mad Hatter feel any pain relief ?

It was a distraction. it was somebody to talk to. Probably could have gotten the same relief (or better) from therapy and alcohol.

3) Does the new Mad Hatter affair have to last as long or longer than the original affair to provide any positive effect ?

My A lasted longer. It didn't seem to matter. Then it turned into this weird everything having to be even. Well, my affair was longer, but, he spent our money on her. Well, he skipped out on family time to see her, but I had more sex.

Unsurprisingly, we were separated about a year after d-day, eventually divorcing.