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I met my wife for lunch and we were talking and she said that her therapist had recommended the book "The 5 Love Languages" She had been reading it and she thinks I should take a look at it as well. She says it is very informative. Has anyone read this book? There thoughts.

Another book my wife had started to read that was also recommended was Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself by Anneli Rufus. I haven't heard of this one either but she had just started reading it, so hasn't shared her thoughts on it yet.

My H tried the Five Love Languages. It wasn’t for me.

I was horrified after 30 years he didn’t know me well enough to know I don’t need much - I don’t need flowers or gifts or obvious displays of affection.

I love him unloading the dryer w/out being asked. A back rub. A cute note. A hug. Simple things.

Honesty. Integrity.

The rest of it I felt was useless for me.

I thought it made pretty good sense. Unfortunately, my WW asked me to take the test and share results DURING her affair because she wanted to connect better. You cannot make this stuff up.

It’s actually a very insightful read.

It makes a great framework to build on, as long as it’s not applied too rigidly.

My wife and I went through the book 15 or so years ago when it first came out. I wrote down her love languages and have carried them with me ever since. I have tried daily to show her through acts of service that I love her.

On the flipside of that, she has known for 15 years that my top love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. I can probably count on one hand (with fingers left over) how many times in 15 years she has been affirming, and there have been times when she has gone weeks (yes, plural) without touching me.

The love languages only matter of you make a real effort to demonstrate in your spouse's language. If you don't make an effort, just like anything else, it really doesn't matter.

We read it the first time we went to MC, right after my WH's bout of online EAs and about 10 years prior to his IRL physical affairs. You see how that worked out, right?

The 5 Love Languages talks a good game, but ultimately.. it's just another "unmet needs" model. IOW, it assumes we have responsibility for making our spouse feel happy and satisfied and that we accomplish this feat by fulfilling their "needs", keeping their "love tank" full, etc. Problem is... we don't make anybody feel. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I hadn't bought into this crap back then. It assumes that if we're doing our job keeping our spouse happy, they won't cheat on us and treat us like shit. But worse, if feeds the WS's justification mill, making it easier for them to rationalize their perfidy.

The "unmet needs" model is still popular among marriage counselors, but when you think about it, it's basically just a recommendation for pacification; the "pick me" dance on steroids. And since no one can dance forever, we're on unsafe ground when our partner isn't self-fruitful in terms of happiness. I wasn't born into this world to meet a grown-ass man's "emotional needs". If he's not a fully functional adult, I don't want him. So post-adultery, the whole idea that there's some magical difference of perception between scrubbing his toilet and complimenting his biceps rings pretty damned false with me.

Sorry if that sounds jaded, but these days I don't assume responsibility for anyone else's dysfunction. I've got plenty to do sorting my own.

A better bet would be What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman.

I'm going to give it a read. She came to me confident I would get something out of it, so I'll give it a chance. I took the online test and found out my top two love languages are act of service and physical touch. From a first glance, both of those needs are being met.

My fwh and I both got a lot out of this book. It is very difficult to rebuild a marriage after infeidelty. I don't think it is really about making my h happy as much as it is a communication. In a way that we can hear each other. If I say te amo and he doesn't know any Spanish he doesn't know I said I love you. That is what I understand love languages to be about. Speaking a language my spouse understands. It is also very comforting to have a spouse who is trying to speak my love language. In a marriage that is being rebuilt, why would you not want your spouse to be able to understand that you love them?

I read the book, suggested to me by my IC, and my WW listened to the audio version. I think we both got something useful out of it, and liked it a lot.

The1stWife and ChamomileTea offer interesting perspectives, but to me the core issues are communication, partnership, and understanding what Love (vs. being in love) really is.

CaptainRogers make the key point, though. However you choose to adapt these ideas (or any others), "success" (however you define that!) requires sustained effort from both people.

I'm with chamomile on this. it's ok. but it's the last book I would read while trying to recover from an affair. THE LAST!

it maybe is for fine tuning your marriage, not surviving a fucking crisis!

I would really encourage you to read something else at this time.

family, I've read them all and I do this for a living. don't start with this one, IMO.

The book helped us -- sometimes it works as a tool to just talk about how to best enjoy time together. Anything that helps reconnect after the destruction of infidelity can be a decent tool.

And while it may or may not help connecting some, it is just a starter for communication. The actions that follow are always more important than talking about we like or want.

The 5 Love Languages talks a good game, but ultimately.. it's just another "unmet needs" model.

I found it useful, which is very different than helpful.

My STBXW and I essentially have different love languages. This is important I never got to "feel" her love language and she never appreciated mine.

I am using my love language knowledge in going forward and perhaps finding someone with whom I communicate better.

I liked the book but with some reservations similar to others here.

I actually do believe that in a marriage, we can legitimately meet some of our spouses needs, but not as the main course.

I think of meeting one another's needs as dessert. Wonderful, tasty. But not nutritional. I believe we feed our own needs as the main course. From the tank we fill ourselves, we have something legitimate to offer our spouse.

And I read every book with some skepticism. And some truly terrible books have been helpful as they force me to explain to myself why it's terrible.

I read it and liked it and my BH did the quiz.

I don't necessarily think love languages are helpful after an affair. His was "quality time" but he isn't interested in spending time with me. So its hard to act on it. Mine is "words of affirmation" and again, after an affair, he really isn't into affirming me in any way.

So is it worth the hour or so read, sure, but is it life changing? Nope.

It was and still is instrumental in our reconciliation journey. We have different love languages. It was eye opening how we were speaking our love to each other but not understanding it. Now I make an effort to make sure I speak his language and he speaks mine so much he believes it has become one of his own!

So there are mixed feelings around this book.

I haven't read the book and only read up briefly on the topic.

My main love language is Act of Service and hers is Word of Affirmation. Our second love language is Physical Touch.

I feel like without really digging to deeply, does fill my love language. From the very beginning of our relationship, she has always been doing things for me. Since we decided to attempt to give our marriage another chance, she has been going out of her way especially for me. On her days off, she comes and does my laundry, cleans my house. SHe'll go out of her way to pick up my dry cleaning, picks up my favorite foods. It may seem like little things, but I really do appreciate it. Especially when she does things I really don't want to do. It shows at least to me that she is thinking of me.

While we are still in the very early stages of reconciling, and her main goal is dealing with her issues. I don't think it's too early to continue to maintain a positive outlook on our marriage. I don't hate her, have any ill feelings toward her. Some resentment sure but we don't hate each other and enjoy each other, so why not nuture that.

A better bet would be What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman

100% agree!

It is definitely a far superior book, and one of the ones that I found most helpful in the first year after dday.

WH and I have both taken the test in a couples group we are part of. After that I bought the book. We've both kind of read it.

I am not sure I would recommend it early on while you are still in crisis mode. There are a LOT of other things that need to be addressed. However, later when you are working on rebuilding the M I find it a useful tool.

I agree with Sunwillshine. I didn't get the impression that I was at all responsible for my H's happiness or fulfillment. What I got out of it was a useful tool to understand how my H perceives love.

If I say te amo and he doesn't know any Spanish he doesn't know I said I love you. That is what I understand love languages to be about. Speaking a language my spouse understands.

^^^ This

If you know how to better communicate with your spouse it helps to build a bond between you. If you have always been given gifts as a sign of love that is most likely how you perceive love. If your spouse gives you acts of service or wants physical touch you may not be feeling what they are trying to show you.

For us it was a good tool to open lines of communication and understanding.

Like The1stWife many people are horrified to discover that they've been mis-communicating with each other for decades. One partner believes they are showing love and the other partner isn't feeling the same thing.

So, yeah as a tool to open lines of communication I think it's useful. But definitely don't buy into that "I have to make my spouse happy/fulfilled" message that people may try to attach to it.

At the end of the day, I don't want it to feel like an obligation to make my spouse happy. I want her to be happy and I want her to want me to be happy in return. I know first to really reconcile is for us both individually to be happy with ourselves. But doesn't mean I can't express my fondness and my lover for her and vice versa.

I see it as a book people ready before they get married. I've given it as a wedding gift.