SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The data say "yes": it is risky to get involved with someone who has cheated in a previous relationship. If you cheat in one relationship, the chances are pretty good that you will cheat again.

On the other hand, about half of those who cheated before aren’t repeat offenders.

[edit: unapproved link removed]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:38 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

I tend to think it's an unhelpful and biased overgeneralization to say, "once a cheater, always a cheater." If we're to believe that's true, then the same should/could be said that an alcoholic can never reform. But there are many examples (perhaps in the millions?) of alcoholics, who thru proper support and guidance are able to give up alcohol. Are they high risk for regression? Absolutely. Do a lot of them manage to resist that temptation if properly motivated? Absolutely. Maybe I'm biased as a WS, but after seeing the pain and torment that I've put my BS through, I'm absolutely convinced that I could never do this to someone else, whether her or in a new relationship(if she ultimately divorces me). I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to do that to another human being. Nobody deserves to have done to them what I have done.

[This message edited by AshamedDad at 4:20 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

AshamedDad

Maybe I'm biased as a WS, but after seeing the pain and torment that I've put my BS through, I'm absolutely convinced that I could never do this to someone else, whether her or in a new relationship(if she ultimately divorces me). I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to do that to another human being. Nobody deserves to have done to them what I have done.

I guess what I'm wondering is what about your own integrity? Focusing on a reason that is external to you is not a great recipe for making yourself a safe partner. Integrity is choosing courage over comfort and what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. When you can get to the point that you won't cheat (or steal or lie or whatever) even if you feel tempted to because it is harmful to your integrity, that is when you've become a safe partner to be in relationship with. Guard your integrity like the treasure that it is and the relationship safety will naturally follow from that.

The data are given in a 2017 peer reviewed journal article entitled "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships"

Authors: Kayla Knopp, Shelby Scott, Lane Ritchie, Galena K. Rhoades, Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley

Archives of Sexual Behavior November 2017, Volume 46, Issue 8, pp 2301–2311

Abstract

Although there is a large body of research addressing predictors of relationship infidelity, no study to our knowledge has specifically addressed infidelity in a previous relationship as a risk factor for infidelity in a subsequent relationship. The current study addressed risk for serial infidelity by following adult participants (N = 484) longitudinally through two mixed-gender romantic relationships. Participants reported their own extra-dyadic sexual involvement (ESI) (i.e., having sexual relations with someone other than their partner) as well as both known and suspected ESI on the part of their partners in each romantic relationship. Findings from logistic regressions showed that those who reported engaging in ESI in the first relationship were three times more likely to report engaging in ESI in their next relationship compared to those who did not report engaging in ESI in the first relationship. Similarly, compared to those who reported that their first-relationship partners did not engage in ESI, those who knew that their partners in the first relationships had engaged in ESI were twice as likely to report the same behavior from their next relationship partners. Those who suspected their first-relationship partners of ESI were four times more likely to report suspicion of partner ESI again in their next relationships. These findings controlled for demographic risk factors for infidelity and held regardless of respondent gender or marital status. Thus, prior infidelity emerged as an important risk factor for infidelity in next relationships. Implications for novel intervention targets for prevention of serial relationship infidelity are discussed.

This is one important result of the study:

"those who reported engaging in ESI (extra-dyadic sexual involvement) in the first relationship were three times more likely to report engaging in ESI in their next relationship compared to those who did not report engaging in ESI in the first relationship."

In other words, if you have screwed around once, there is a pretty good chance you will do it again (at least compared to someone who has never screwed around).

But I think what's key here that the study doesn't seem to address is if the cheater is discovered and/or confesses. My own theory (which of course has no scientific basis) is that those who cheat and have never been caught would have a much higher likelihood of doing it again vs. those who cheat and get caught or confess. Strange that they also looked at whether those who suspect a partner of cheating would suspect it in future partners. That would seem to be a given.

AshamedDad,

I can understand why you don't like this research very much. If are a cheater (like you and me) it is unflattering to have someone point out that people who have cheated in a previous relationship have a good chance of cheating again in subsequent relationships. Those of us who have cheated would (understandably) prefer to think that we have learned from our mistakes and are now much improved human beings who would not make the same mistake again.

It goes without saying that the research does not show that no cheater ever, under any circumstances, learns from their mistakes. Obviously some do.

Cheers

Hephaestus2

Evolving Soul -

Oh, I also have my internal reasons, not just external. My IC once asked me, "If I were to tell you that you could sleep with the most beautiful woman in the world, and I could promise you nobody would find out, would you do it?" I immediately told him, "no." He then asked me, why not? I thought for a moment and replied, "because I don't want to let myself down. I promised myself I'd never do something like this again, and I won't. I won't fail myself." It was this session that ended with him "discharging" me from IC at the time. He told me, "you get it." But now I'm back, but for reasons other than going back on my promise.

It goes without saying that the research does not show that no cheater ever, under any circumstances, learns from their mistakes. Obviously some do.

You are posting in a community of cheaters, who are trying to do just that. Learn from this and get their shit together. So, I don't understand your purpose sharing this article here of all places. I mean the article is all well and good, but I think this is the wrong audience. I think many of us are going to reject it because it doesn't fit into our goals.

We have obviously heard this (the stats) time and time again. But I'm afraid that most of us here aren't really concerned with what the data shows. Well, I shouldn't speak for everyone here.

I don't think this particular article is relevant to those cheaters who are doing things differently, most of what I see on this board is that we are trying to change to ensure a lasting difference.

Is the purpose of posting this information to tell us that statistically we are going to fail? So encouraging, thanks.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:06 AM, October 20th (Saturday)]

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:07 AM, October 20th (Saturday)]

I've read through this thread and given it a lot of thought. I think the "validity" of this statement is pretty subjective. It depends if you you define "cheater" is a role or an attribute. As an attribute, I believe it will always be with you. As a role, I believe it is action driven. I n the end, I think it's more thought provoking is why the phrase means something to us. For WS, if remorseful and genuinely changing/changed, then it may be important to shed the label to demonstrate the growth and evolution to safe partner. For BS, who want to reconcile and stay in a M with their WS despite what they've done, it implies that the trust, chance and risk they are taking is not misplaced.

Cheaters cheat. I’ve cheated my BS with a dozen women by now.

Once in a while I think I should stop, but I don’t.

That's really disturbing, binge. I cannot recall, but hopefully she's removed herself from your life.

Foreverlabeled

That's really disturbing, binge. I cannot recall, but hopefully she's removed herself from your life.

People like binge should be pitied. The fact that he comes here and essentially boasts about his continued betrayal bears that out. It also does lend a small amount of validity to Hephaestus2 statement.

AshamedDad

is that those who cheat and have never been caught would have a much higher likelihood of doing it again vs. those who cheat and get caught or confess.

I have to respectfully disagree. All you need to do is peruse the pages of SI to see that having a dday is no guarantee against further infidelity.

Hephaestus2

What foreverlabeled said

Is the purpose of posting this information to tell us that statistically we are going to fail? So encouraging, thanks.

I also must ask, why post something like this? While past behavior may be a good indicator of how someone may act in the future, its entirely subjective. It's akin to those nonsensical surveys about who is the best musical artist or whats the best car to drive.

foreverlabeled wrote >>You are posting in a community of cheaters, who are trying to do just that. Learn from this and get their shit together. So, I don't understand your purpose sharing this article here of all places. I mean the article is all well and good, but I think this is the wrong audience. I think many of us are going to reject it because it doesn't fit into our goals<<

The purpose of sharing this article was simply to relay some information about a risk factor for infidelity. This website (www.survivinginfidelity.com) seemed like a suitable place to post the results of research into one of the predictors of infidelity. After all, the word "infidelity" is in the title of the website.

Many of the posts on www.survivivinginfidelity.com (and other discussion boards that deal with infidelity) focus on individual, subjective experiences with infidelity and with opinions and with feelings. That seems appropriate. However there also seems to room for objective analysis of infidelity and facts based on evidence. People who are dealing with the problem of infidelity are often looking for more information on the subject. People dealing with a massive, life-changing problem often try to become better informed about the problem.

The phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is often repeated on discussion boards that deal with infidelity. At times it is stated as a fact and at other times it is better understood as an expression of pain, frustration, and anger. Those of us who have been unfaithful tend to believe that the phrase is false. We like to believe that we would avoid repeating the behavior that has caused such intense pain to someone that we love. However, it is not at all clear whether that belief might be based primarily on wishful thinking. The article by Knopp et al. offers some hard data to help sort out the question of whether there is any truth to the remark "once a cheater, always a cheater".

I suppose I could have posted the article in the "General" forum on www.survivinginfidelity.com but because the article deals with a possible risk factor for infidelity, I thought it was somewhat more relevant to partners who have been unfaithful (i.e., for the "Wayward Side" forum). I do not understand why this is "the wrong audience". Why would someone who has been unfaithful be uninterested in the risk factors for infidelity? If the results of the research had been different (for example, if the article reported that infidelity in a prior relationship REDUCED the risk of infidelity in a subsequent relationship) would the article have been more interesting?

The moderators on this discussion board seem to be very efficient. If the article was not appropriate for www.survivinginfidelity.com, they would have deleted it. If the article was better suited to the "General" forum, they would have moved it.

foreverlabeled wrote >>We have obviously heard this (the stats) time and time again.<<

I cannot find "the stats" that you are referring to on www.survivinginfidelity.com: posts that contain numerical data are rare. It seems very unlikely that "stats" related to the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" have been posted before. As Knopp et al. state, "no study to our knowledge has specifically addressed infidelity in a previous relationship as a risk factor for infidelity in a subsequent relationship". Their article was posted in the fall of 2017.

foreverlabeled wrote >>But I'm afraid that most of us here aren't really concerned with what the data shows<<

That seems likely. It is probably only a small minority of people who are reading posts on www.survivinginfidelity.com who are interested in things like original research or data. Those of us who like data are well aware of the many people have an aversion to numbers, data, statistics, and mathematics. Even if the article by Knopp et al. is of interest to only one or two people, it is still could be worthwhile posting it.

>>Well, I shouldn't speak for everyone here.<<

Not only shouldn't you attempt to speak for everyone here, you cannot speak for everyone here even if you wanted to. There is no way for you to know who might be interested in an article that deals with research on infidelity. Even if you were to poll "everyone here" you would capture only a small fraction of the people who read these posts. If we had access to the data on the page views for this thread on www.survivinginfidelity.com it would become obvious that the vast majority of people read without ever posting. The ratio of lurkers to posters could be 10:1 or 100:1 or even 1,000:1.

>>Is the purpose of posting this information to tell us that statistically we are going to fail? So encouraging, thanks.<<

The article by Knopp et al. does not say that "statistically you are going to fail". The article does suggest that infidelity in a prior relationship increases the risk of infidelity in a subsequent relationship. If smoking increases the risk of lung cancer, that does not mean that if you smoke, then you will get lung cancer. Smoking simply increases the odds that you will get lung cancer. If the forecast suggests a 30% chance of showers that does not mean that you will get wet (although you might want to carry an umbrella).

Information on the risk factors for infidelity has practical value. If I know that I have an increased risk of being unfaithful (because I have been unfaithful in the past, for example) then I could become even more careful.

If I were dating someone who said to me "it is true that I have been unfaithful in the past but please don't bother me with information about the risk factors for infidelity" I would assume that they were at an increased risk for infidelity because they had been unfaithful in the past and (more importantly) because of their willful ignorance.

I don't think rejecting stats is being ignorant. I think this is the wrong audience because the article says nothing about putting in the work to change from cheater to non cheater. And that's very important when throwing stats around. Especially here in a community of WS who are doing something rather than nothing.

No need to be condescending. Yeah, I know what the website is called.. I know I can't speak for everyone.. and honestly knowing the stats and knowing I'm a high risk isn't going to suddenly make me more aware and more careful. Thats absurd.

So tell me Heph what work are you doing to ensure you'll not cheat again? Is just being aware enough for you? Are you certain that being extra careful will keep you safe?

ff4152 wrote >>While past behavior may be a good indicator of how someone may act in the future, its entirely subjective. It's akin to those nonsensical surveys about who is the best musical artist or whats the best car to drive.<<

What does "its entirely subjective" refer to in your post? "Past behavior" is not subjective. "Past behavior" is the opposite - "past behavior" is objective. Whether I have been unfaithful in the past is not subject to my opinion. It does not depend on my personal feelings or on my perspective. It is verifiably true.

Scientific research is not subjective - that is the point of scientific research. Scientific research is (objectively) not "akin to those nonsensical surveys" of opinions. The research of Knopp et al. is not a survey of opinions. Knopp et al. do not give their opinions. They do the opposite. They have established an objective fact (prior infidelity is an important risk factor for infidelity in subsequent relationships).

foreverlabeled wrote >> I think this is the wrong audience because the article says nothing about putting in the work to change from cheater to non cheater.<<

Yes. That is true. The article says nothing about that. AshamedDad also pointed out that the article does not address what happens if the cheater is discovered and/or confesses.

>>No need to be condescending. <<

True. That was a feeble attempt at humor. I apologize.

>>So tell me Heph what work are you doing to ensure you'll not cheat again? <<

Thanks for your question but I will save that discussion for another thread on another day.

>>Is just being aware enough for you? Are you certain that being extra careful will keep you safe?<<

No and no. Being aware is not enough. Being extra careful won't keep anyone safe with any degree of certainty. Those are both good points.

Past behavior is objective but future behavior is subjective. Just because someone did something doesn’t automatically mean that they will do it again. It’s certainly reasonable to infer that someone may be more prone to cheat having done it before but it doesn’t mean they will do it again.